mrmystery Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Hi I’m a 39 year old male. I have had some issued in the last few years (mainly financial, some health) and haven’t had the chance to date. However things have improved and I’m ready to start dating again. I’ve signed up for various dating sites but I have some issues that I think are a hindrance. First is inexperience. I know this is pathetic but I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I’m shy and I’m not talkative in general. Second is work. I work in an industry that’s generally looked down upon. I won’t give you too much detail but it’s in the payday lending/check cashing/title lending industry. It’s also not a professional job, it’s one step up from a minimum wage. Third, I’m boring (at least I think). I don’t have any real hobbies and I haven’t got a chance to really travel. Except for college I’ve never left my hometown. Any advice on how to work around these challenges?
SoulCat Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Instead of online dating, why don't you get yourself out there in the real world? Go to Meet-ups in your area, join a sports team, gardening or book club. Go volunteering in your spare time. Rent a plot on an allotment. Take lessons learning a foreign language or Asian cuisine. Join the local Ramblers group. That way you get to meet new people (potential dates even) and make you less boring. Having a common interest with other people may also draw you out of your shell a bit and help you become a bit more confident and assertive. You cannot expect to resolve your issues by staying in your own comfortable little bubble, so go out there, try new things and live! Good luck 2
TheTraveler Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Instead of online dating, why don't you get yourself out there in the real world? I see this written a lot on here. Why not both? 1
SoulCat Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 I see this written a lot on here. Why not both? By all means he could try both. But the fact is that unless you have an interesting profile on OLD the OP is going to be up against it. OLD is a huge pool with many, many fish. By his own admission, he's not a very interesting guy. On OLD, he's not going to stand out. He'll be washed away in the sea of average and below par profiles. The OP comes across as quite negative about himself and his life in his post. If any of that negativity is shining through in his OLD profile, he's likely not going to be very successful. 1
TheTraveler Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 By all means he could try both. But the fact is that unless you have an interesting profile on OLD the OP is going to be up against it. OLD is a huge pool with many, many fish. By his own admission, he's not a very interesting guy. On OLD, he's not going to stand out. He'll be washed away in the sea of average and below par profiles. The OP comes across as quite negative about himself and his life in his post. If any of that negativity is shining through in his OLD profile, he's likely not going to be very successful. For example, Tinder is pictures and a very brief profile. You match, you reach out. Pretty straight forward. His concerns? 1. Inexperience. Women aren't going to know this after multiple dates. OP, don't ever talk about this right off the bat. You shouldn't be talking about ex's and previous relationships anyway. Women aren't going to know if he slept with 1000 women or 1. 2. Don't worry about your job. You have a job and spin it positive 3. He's boring according to himself. What makes you boring? Is it because he doesn't salsa dance every week and instead is into nature and photographing birds all damn day? This is where I agree meetups and trying new hobbies come in play. 4. Hasn't travelled. Well, he could spin it that he really wants to travel and go on adventures.
smackie9 Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Sounds to me you are not ready to date. You already are shooting yourself down because you wouldn't date yourself either. Get yourself some assertive training classes, take a public speech class, take night classes to get a better job, go out more and learn to interact with people... maybe get some therapy for your social anxiety or find some good self help books. Yes women are going to wonder why at your age you haven't gotten you stuff together. If you want it bad enough you are going to have to help yourself find that drive that will make you successful. Right now you are just sitting back watchin the world go by. To add online dating is not a magic bullet to get you dates. You actually have to present/sell your self in a sea of hard competition. Women do have an agenda, especially if they are looking for marriage. So you better get crackin. BTW you can butter up that profile all you want, but when it comes to the date...they are going to figure it out that you fudged it.
kendahke Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Hi I’m a 39 year old male. I have had some issued in the last few years (mainly financial, some health) and haven’t had the chance to date. However things have improved and I’m ready to start dating again. I’ve signed up for various dating sites but I have some issues that I think are a hindrance. First is inexperience. I know this is pathetic but I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I’m shy and I’m not talkative in general. Do you have friends? Do you talk to them? Are you shy with them? Do you approach women as a means to an end (alleviating your lack of a girlfriend) or do you approach women to get to know them on an individual basis as friends? Second is work. I work in an industry that’s generally looked down upon. I won’t give you too much detail but it’s in the payday lending/check cashing/title lending industry. It’s also not a professional job, it’s one step up from a minimum wage. Are your plans to stay in this industry for the next 26 years (til retirement age) or do you have plans to do other things, professionally? Third, I’m boring (at least I think). I don’t have any real hobbies and I haven’t got a chance to really travel. Except for college I’ve never left my hometown. Any advice on how to work around these challenges? Are you stuck in this rut because you can't be arsed to change? Or because it's easier than putting yourself out there to meet new people, learn new things? I'm a complete fan of traveling, so I will encourage you as best as I can to travel while you have health and no familial obligations. Step one if you want to travel: Get a passport. It's good for 10 years. Figure out one place you'd love to go see and start researching how to get there and see it. Figure out how to pay for it and go do it because that's the only way it's going to get done. I say this because I spent most of my life since sophomore year of high school wishing that I could go to France to see Mont St. Michel. I finally went in May to see it and also Manchester, UK (which I love love love). Could I afford to? No, but I went anyway and I saw it and it was THE best thing I'd ever done for myself--even though I shake my fists at SNCF and their engine break downs and train strikes, it was still one of the best things I've ever done for myself... and I did it by myself. You will learn so much about yourself through traveling... and that will nullify any feelings you may have about being boring. There are so many angels awaiting you as you travel--I discovered heaps of them through my travels to England and France. Made me fall in love with humanity all over again.
TheTraveler Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Online dating ain't that hard. I wonder why some of you have so many problems with it. Guy wants to get back to dating again. Go do it!
Author mrmystery Posted November 21, 2016 Author Posted November 21, 2016 Thank's for the replies. Unfortunately some of my biggest hindrances to self improvement are: My job. I work at a small family business where I'm the only employee. I work six days a week so it'd hard finding meetups to go to, or classes to take. When I have went to events it's been either mostly guys or nobody is single. I could quit but I'd feel awful since the only other person is the owner (who is an older relative), who hardly knows what to do. Money. While I'm in a better financial situation than I once was, I still don't have a lot of disposable income and taking classes and going on trips is expensive.
TheTraveler Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Thank's for the replies. Unfortunately some of my biggest hindrances to self improvement are: My job. I work at a small family business where I'm the only employee. I work six days a week so it'd hard finding meetups to go to, or classes to take. When I have went to events it's been either mostly guys or nobody is single. I could quit but I'd feel awful since the only other person is the owner (who is an older relative), who hardly knows what to do. Money. While I'm in a better financial situation than I once was, I still don't have a lot of disposable income and taking classes and going on trips is expensive. 1. Ask for raise 2. What do you do when you're not on the clock? 3. Traveling isn't that expensive if you want to really go somewhere. 1
Daisy711 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 SELF CONFIDENCE!! You need to be confident and sure of yourself. You have a job, do you have your own place? A car? Focus on what you do have. If you don't have hobbies, you need that before dating. Interests, likes and so on. You need to know who you are and what you have to offer.
Author mrmystery Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Instead of online dating, why don't you get yourself out there in the real world? Go to Meet-ups in your area, join a sports team, gardening or book club. Go volunteering in your spare time. Rent a plot on an allotment. Take lessons learning a foreign language or Asian cuisine. Join the local Ramblers group. That way you get to meet new people (potential dates even) and make you less boring. Having a common interest with other people may also draw you out of your shell a bit and help you become a bit more confident and assertive. You cannot expect to resolve your issues by staying in your own comfortable little bubble, so go out there, try new things and live! Good luck I'll look into it but there isn't much to do in my area, at least things that interest me. Also I live in a small city that's not exactly single friendly. In the past when I've checked out clubs and organizations it's been either mostly guys, and the women were either old, and or/ married. I do volunteer for a local animal rescue organization.
Author mrmystery Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Sounds to me you are not ready to date. You already are shooting yourself down because you wouldn't date yourself either. Get yourself some assertive training classes, take a public speech class, take night classes to get a better job, go out more and learn to interact with people... maybe get some therapy for your social anxiety or find some good self help books. Yes women are going to wonder why at your age you haven't gotten you stuff together. If you want it bad enough you are going to have to help yourself find that drive that will make you successful. Right now you are just sitting back watchin the world go by. To add online dating is not a magic bullet to get you dates. You actually have to present/sell your self in a sea of hard competition. Women do have an agenda, especially if they are looking for marriage. So you better get crackin. BTW you can butter up that profile all you want, but when it comes to the date...they are going to figure it out that you fudged it. I've done therapy in the past and I have a virtual library of self help books, but it hasn't helped. I guess I can look into therapy again. I'll look into the assertiveness training courses.
Author mrmystery Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 1. Ask for raise 2. What do you do when you're not on the clock? 3. Traveling isn't that expensive if you want to really go somewhere. 1. I actually got a raise recently, though I don't know how long it's going to last. My boss is notoriously cheap and he grudgingly did this on the advice of business manager, who he keeps complaining about. 2. I walk my dog, read, sleep, go to the gym, watch TV/movies or YouTube videos. 3. I guess, but again I doubt I'll be able to get time off since I'm the only one at the office.
Author mrmystery Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 SELF CONFIDENCE!! You need to be confident and sure of yourself. You have a job, do you have your own place? A car? Focus on what you do have. If you don't have hobbies, you need that before dating. Interests, likes and so on. You need to know who you are and what you have to offer. I have a small 1-bedroom apartment. I used to have a house, but not anymore. I do have an car and a dog. It's hard to be self confident when I'm a loser who's never had a girlfriend. I mean that's fact that I can't get around.
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