I am the rebound guy - will I imminently be dumped?

[ElizabethIII]

I unfortunately don't think this is going to go away.

 

Maybe only if the guy will completely leave her alone and do not contact her anymore at all.

 

But from the sign of it, that will not happen.

 

He still calls her from now and then and explicitly brings up relationship talk. And when she refuses to meet her then he just casally walks up her place and she allows him in.

 

It will unfortunately not stop. :/

 

Yes it will stop.

 

She has been in your life for only 90 days. You barely know her and already look at the grief she has brought into your life.

 

It will stop when you end it and dump her. She guy hasnt stopped as she doesnt want him to. She allows him to be in touch with her and that says it all.

[TheTraveler]

I wouldn't put up with this ****

[jen1447]

She asked me if I'm ok with that. I told her that the last thing I would ever do is fobid her with whom she should meet/be friends with. She then told me she asked because her ex has explictly forbidden her to have any guy friends at all and that she only reconnected with these 2 friends after she has broken up with her ex.

 

So, I'm the last guy to tell anyone with whom they can talk or not but I feel she is crossing a line with her ex-BF now.

 

Well I mean she did ask, so props to her for that, and I can see it being a bit off-putting if you said no problem at first but then you started crying about it.

 

Really I'd just tell her what your concerns are and see what happens.

 

Why do you let this guy just storm around like he owns the place btw? I understand that her relationship w him is her business but that doesn't mean you can't have your own business w him too, esp if you see him as crossing personal boundaries of your own. It's one thing to allow your partner her autonomy, but it's another to allow that autonomy to dictate the limits of yours.

[smackie9]

He has been dating her for 3 months. 12 weeks. 90 days.

 

Why should he deal with her insecurities regarding her previous relationship.

 

Dating is not therapy. You are supposed to be enjoying your new partner not holding their hand and giving emotional support for what their ex did to them.

 

I would deeply unimpressed to have to deal with ex baggage and give emotional support in a 3 month old relationship.

 

OP, find someone else. Life is too short for this.

If you had read through this thread properly you would have seen that the OP didn't reveal the nasty details until after I had posted this.....if you read further down I suggested he dump her when new information came to light in the conversation.

[Rjonny]

Well I mean she did ask, so props to her for that, and I can see it being a bit off-putting if you said no problem at first but then you started crying about it.

 

Ah, no. That's 2 different people who are her friends. She did not date them.

 

She asked if I'm ok with her being friends with guys (the 2 guys). I said yes, beacuse I genuinely do not have a problem with that.

 

The ex is not one of these 2 guys.

 

She did not ask me if I was fine with her talking with her ex. She pretty much made a clear statement that whether I agree or disagree with her talking with her ex, she'd still handle it however she sees it fit.

[gorf]

Ah, no. That's 2 different people who are her friends. She did not date them.

 

She asked if I'm ok with her being friends with guys (the 2 guys). I said yes, beacuse I genuinely do not have a problem with that.

 

The ex is not one of these 2 guys.

 

She did not ask me if I was fine with her talking with her ex. She pretty much made a clear statement that whether I agree or disagree with her talking with her ex, she'd still handle it however she sees it fit.

 

You see she is still not over him, right? How much convincing you is it going to take? The real question is, what are you going to do? Wait to be cheated on, treated like trash for who knows how long? Or are you going to dump this girl who was never ready to start a new relationship until her old one was 100% over and put in the past? You are going to have to make a choice

 

You already know whats going on, rjonny. Why are you waiting to find out how bad she will do you:

I am the rebound guy - will I imminently be dumped?

 

Edited November 21, 2016 by gorf

[Rjonny]

You are right.

 

I was of the same opinion, hence this thread. But needed confirmation. So, thanks for that.

 

I guess I also didn't pay attention to the red flags right from the beginning. I mean, she did tell me she was in a 4 year relationship with a serial cheater and she has several times forgiven him in the past. The fact that she is very smart and acted extremely mature and adult-like has blinded me and made me believe she has learned from her past. But guess not.

[jen1447]

Ah, no. That's 2 different people who are her friends. She did not date them.

 

She asked if I'm ok with her being friends with guys (the 2 guys). I said yes, beacuse I genuinely do not have a problem with that.

 

The ex is not one of these 2 guys.

 

She did not ask me if I was fine with her talking with her ex. She pretty much made a clear statement that whether I agree or disagree with her talking with her ex, she'd still handle it however she sees it fit.

 

You're sending mixed messages then.

 

They did actually have a previous phone call of like 1-2 hours before, something like 1+ month ago. She told me that he has insulted her and me as well but I did not make an issue about it. She sounded very mature and I just let her be and trusted she can handle it.

 

Mid-way in the relationship she also told me she has two guy best-friends with whom she frequently talks and admitted to me that both guys were interested in her romantically in the past but not anymore and that they are just best friends now.

 

She asked me if I'm ok with that. I told her that the last thing I would ever do is fobid her with whom she should meet/be friends with. She then told me she asked because her ex has explictly forbidden her to have any guy friends at all and that she only reconnected with these 2 friends after she has broken up with her ex.

 

So, I'm the last guy to tell anyone with whom they can talk or not

 

These all independently say you won't try to control her but then you start making exceptions. It may be justified that you'd rather she didn't talk to the douche but it's still contradictory in general.

 

Also it's little difference w the other 2 exes ....there are few to no legit "we're just friends now" scenarios so I'm sure she sees that as you being ok w 2 potentially risky guys but not a third. Again that's inconsistent and contradictory.

 

I'm really not trying to bust your balls here and I do think the third guy's bad news but you need to own your own missteps in all this. If you really want to help her get free of the negative influences of her former abuser/controller then it's important you supply a reliable, consistent safe haven for her and not inadvertently give her reasons to regress due to insecurity or instability of your own.

[sunshine2]

Well now that you have filled us in a bit more, I change my answer. She must still have feelings for him if she is willing to keep talking to him. She also is disrespecting you by saying its none of your business. It is if you are exclusively dating her.

 

Somewhere inside she likes this drama he provides her, she probably needs therapy to figure out what makes her want to be friends with a man who repeatedly cheated on her. Its sad, but I think you need to reconsider this relationship.

[Rjonny]

Also it's little difference w the other 2 exes

 

As explained in one of my previous messages, they are not exes. She did not date them. They are her friends back from college.

 

There is absolutely no rational reason whatsoever why I would not want her to be in contact with them.

 

The third guy, the guy we're discussing in this thread, unlike the other 2 guys, is her ex.

[jen1447]

As explained in one of my previous messages, they are not exes. She did not date them. They are her friends back from college.

 

There is absolutely no rational reason whatsoever why I would not want her to be in contact with them.

 

Mid-way in the relationship she also told me she has two guy best-friends with whom she frequently talks and admitted to me that both guys were interested in her romantically in the past but not anymore and that they are just best friends now.

 

That's always the reason and it's all the reason you need - and it also makes your stance on the douche outwardly contradictory unfortunately.

[ChatroomHero]

After reading more it seems pretty obvious. If an STD is on your wish list for Christmas, stay with her. If she forgave him after everything he told her and multiple times of cheating, she will (and has begun) forgiving again.

 

Seriously, I can't see any reason to stay with her. There are several clear reasons to bolt. The issue isn't really will she dump you, because even of she does it will be after torturing you slowly over time while you watch her go through the process of spending more time with him, turning on you, discounting your feelings, and eventually making it sound like you are 100 times worse than her ex.

 

Just tell her you thought about it, done. Good luck, tell the ex I said hello and change your locks.

Edited November 21, 2016 by ChatroomHero

[Sweetfish]

What makes you think that?

 

* Not that I don't agree but care to elaborate?

 

Because it looks like he controls the relationship. He was also the one who dumped her. So she will carry a void that she wasn't good enough. He cheated multiple times and she forgave him. Dumping her is a far less offense.

 

The more she talks to him the more she is unable to recover from the breakup.

 

A rebound is just an extension of a failed relationship... Sometimes rebounds relationships feel too solid because they are simply "roll over feeling" that's were your doubt comes into play and with doubt comes insecurity.

 

Thus your insecurity will propel confusion in her self and she will falsely believe the reason for this is because she has strong feelings for him. (Which may be true)

 

Your questioning her is simply accelerating the process of being dump faster.

[Rjonny]

Damn, as we move forward many things that she has told me during the recent few weeks starts to click now.

 

For example, last week she told me something like "Won't your friends at work think less of you when they find out you are with me considering my past*? If you want you can still quit this now, I would understand.".

 

* It's common knowledge with everyone that the dude is a giant douche and serial cheater.

 

Was she actually trying to persuade me to break up with her, so that it won't have to be her doing it?

 

Another one:

 

Some weeks before I told her something like: "It's so great that we get along so well and have so much in common. It's so rare these days."

 

She replied with: "Yeah, that's how adult relationships usually are. If you want, we can break up so you can go out and experience it with others too."

 

She said this in a totally non-ironic and non-sarcastic way.

 

I mean, like wth?! Why would anyone say anything like that, especially that what I said was meant as a compliment/positive feedback? Makes no sense...

Edited November 22, 2016 by Rjonny

[BAcK]

SHE STILL LOVES HIM. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

Many here will disagree with me but she clearly cares for him. And trust me mate, am talking from a previous experience. Get the hell out of this ASAP. I will not elaborate any further but trust me mate, i am sure you must have already noticed some weird things about her behaviour. Run as far and as quick as you can.

[Rjonny]

Yes, it's pretty obvious at this point, isn't it?

 

I just never imagined it would come to this. After the things that she told me about him I never believed that she would entertain the idea of ever even talking with him.

 

For example, beside the cheating she also told me that once the dude has even thrown a chair after her at her own place when they were fighting.

 

I asked because there is a big hole in the wall right above her bed. She told me it's because the guy once threw a chair after her when they were fighting.

 

She also found a place to live for the guy in a spare room at some of her friends' place and she told me her friends called her to complain that the dude never washes the dishes and cleans up, so she went up to his place every day to wash the dishes for him while he was playing video games.

 

Oh, and she also paid his rent because he was unemployed.

 

I'm starting to think that it was me who was the idiot for not paying proper attention to this story.

[BAcK]

I have been through the same exact situation. She assured me she was over her ex for I did not want to rush things. She told me I treated her far better than that guy. She seemed so comfortable and happy. She also said she will never leave me. And her ex cheated on her, treated her like **** and has been physically abusive. I thought she was completely into me. As ironic as it might sound my story is a reflection of yours. The ex came back and she became confused. She did not know if she loved me. You see she always wanted him not me. I was the rebound and so are you. We are just band aids. They are addicted to toxicity. We may be far better than their exes but they are blindfolded. We cannot make them love us nor can we unlove them. The best we can do is let them free. And move on. I took quite some time to accept all this but now i know i was a rebound and i'll never repeat such a mistake. The wheel is turning, she will soon realize the loss. Be brave and act with dignity. Cheers

[Rjonny]

She told me I treated her far better than that guy. She seemed so comfortable and happy. She also said she will never leave me. And her ex cheated on her, treated her like **** and has been physically abusive. I thought she was completely into me.

 

Funny how these things mirror each other so much.

 

Because it's as if I would have written the lines in your quote myself.

 

It's 100% what she has told me all over during our brief relationship.

 

And then the douche shows up and she completely alters her behavior.

 

It's amazing how cases like these are so similar in so many ways.

[ExpatInItaly]

Walk way from this, OP.

 

She isn't over him and she's certainly not ready for another relationship. She wouldn't continue to have these "closure" talks with him if she truly was ready to move on. She'd have no problem not responding to him at all if that were the case.

 

But she continues to give him access to her. She gets angry and defensive when you state your discomfort with it. Ask yourself why she does that.

[DK_Casus]

A reasonable and adult person would not react angrily to your reaction, and they would know that nothing good will come of speaking to a person that's already been caught cheating - after such a long time.

 

So, there's most definitely some kind of emotional connection between them - and she's not willing to settle without putting her current relationship with you at risk.

 

To me, that means a huge red flag - and though it might hurt and suck big-time - I would remove myself from the equation.

 

As for kicking some stranger's ass that you have nothing to do with, that's idiotic and could mean serious consequences for you, him or both. Ignore the morons suggesting this.

[BAcK]

Funny how these things mirror each other so much.

 

Because it's as if I would have written the lines in your quote myself.

 

It's 100% what she has told me all over during our brief relationship.

 

And then the douche shows up and she completely alters her behavior.

 

It's amazing how cases like these are so similar in so many ways.

Exactly buddy. All cases of rebound seem so similar. That's why I can completely understand your pain and confusion. I have been through it. Do not contact her anymore. I know you still love her and want her but do not keep any false hope. Don't ask for answers for she might be very rude and will find a lot of shortcomings in you. She will do her best to project you as the bad guy and may also compare you with her ex. I would suggest you to take some time for yourself and eventually you will move on just as i am currently doing.

[Rjonny]

So this is just in: I have just been dumped.

 

It's funny, because I wanted to do the same after yesterday's comments in this thread. I however wanted to think this over and do it during the weekend because I'm quite busy with work. But looks like she was faster.

 

So, she calls me today and says that she was thinking during the past few days and came to the conclusion that she does not want to be in a relationship right now and instead would want to focus on herself and her work.

 

After I have pressed her a little she then switched reasons and said it's because of me supposedly being extremely childish and she does not have the patience to put up with my sh*t anymore. This is literally completely out of the blue, as we never really had any arguments of that kind (or arguments at all for that matter).

 

She even went as far as to insult me to find someone like 20-21 year old in the future as they are more close to my level of maturity (I'm 28 yo). The tone she was speaking made it very clear that this was a directed insult. This was completely unprovoked though, as I never insulted her or behaved childishly with her at all. Where does all this sudden rage and hate come from? Like I'm literally the devil himself... while a week ago things were completely fine.

 

Anyway, in the end I question her if it's because of the douche and she then get enraged and super defensive even more. She does not directly answer the question and only replies that "you're worying about abslutely nothing whatsoever. This was going on in the past as well as this is why I brake up, as I don't have patience for this nonsense worying anymore".

 

So, she is basically denying that it's because of the douche and says it's 100% because of me and my charachter.

 

I don't really want to argue with her, so I just told her "yeah, ok, wish you good luck for you in the future".

 

I however do not buy into her story. I cannot accept her reasons for the breakup to be true. Maybe they have some truth to them but I don't think they are reason enough for a breakup. She was definitely pushed over the edge by the sudden appearance of the douche.

 

What I don't get why does she have to attack me like I'm now the piece of trash that needs to be scolded and thrown out? Why can't she just be honest and say that she simply likes someone else and it's nothing personal. Why make me look like and feel like the biggest loser and sh*thead there is? Why is this part necessary?

 

I am now made to look like the idiot now who does not know how to behave and acts like a child? Why? Just a week ago she had absolutely no complaints of any kind. It's infuriating...

 

At the very end (despite the many insults) she even had the audacity to tell me she will call me from now and then and check up on me how I am etc. - like what the hell? She just called me childish and immature and told me to date teenagers and now wants to be friends? - I told her I'm going NC and will block her everywhere.

 

This whole situation is messed up.

Edited November 22, 2016 by Rjonny

[ChatroomHero]

What I don't get why does she have to attack me like I'm now the piece of trash that needs to be scolded and thrown out? Why can't she just be honest and say that she simply likes someone else and it's nothing personal. Why make me look like and feel like the biggest loser and sh*thead there is? Why is this part necessary?

 

At the very end (despite the many insults) she even had the audacity to tell me she will call me from now and then and check up on me how I am etc. - like what the hell? She just called me childish and immature and told me to date teenagers and now wants to be friends? - I told her I'm going NC and will block her everywhere.

 

This whole situation is messed up.

 

 

Not much to understand. She was dating you, complaining about how horrible her ex was, and basically cheating on you with him. Other than blaming you for everything... how would she be able to come to terms with herself by admitting she really screwed you over and she was a complete POS?... She has to blame you outwardly because otherwise she probably can't handle internally admitting what she knows is true.

 

 

If she ever contacts you again, simply say we both know you f*d me over more than either of us could have ever imagined. We both know you are 150% at fault and we both know exactly how the situation and deception on your part played out. I forgive you, I hope some day you will be able to forgive yourself and grow so you don't have to relive your horrible actions. Bye!.. Then hang up, Don't allow her to speak, don't allow her interrupt, ignore texts etc. Anything she says or tries to say, make it clear you know she is at fault and will never be convinced otherwise.

 

 

Here is why this works- you know the score and she knows the score. When you refuse to consider anything else and you refuse to accept any effort on her part to relieve some of her guilt, you make a very clear and firm statement that in the end she cannot argue with, she knows exactly what she did despite what she is trying to spin. Months later when douche is cheating on her again, that is when you will get her calling or texting you and apologizing.

 

 

If you are an a*hole like me that is when you say, "Stay with him. He is the best you can ever hope for in life. Wear protection on your wedding night." then, drop the mic- NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

The real reason she is breaking up with you is so she can go back to her ex. I would put money on it.

 

And the hateful vitriol? She's parroting him. He's probably said all of those things about you and she is repeating it.

 

You are going to be much better off. This had nothing but "massive headache" written all over it; you are now free to find a woman who doesn't have this level of baggage.

[SoThatHappened]

Damnit, ChatroomHero, you just stole my speech. Agree on every point.

 

OP:

 

- She had to demonize you in order to mentally justify why she is getting rid of you.

 

- She's does NOT want to "be single and instead focus on herself and her work." That's SUCH a B.S. line. She's running back to this d-bag that habitually cheats on her.

 

- Because he cheats on her and you treated her well, I'd bet a dollar to a doughnut you'll be hearing from her when he does it again. Whether that's next month or next year, it'll happen.

 

- She mentioned calling up to check up on you, which means she still wants you as an emotional tampon and a fallback guy. You know better than to do that.

 

Ya done good in what you said and how you left it. Now block, delete, and move on.