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I am the rebound guy - will I imminently be dumped?

Rjonny

By Rjonny
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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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Been dating a girl (27yo - I'm 28) for 3 months now. I knew her from before and were friends the past 10 months or so.

 

Her ex of 4 years has broken up with her last year in December because he wanted someone else and wasn't satisfied with the relationship.

 

When we got together she said she found it fair to reveal me her past. She told me the guy has several times cheated on her during the 4 years but she always forgave him.

 

I have asked if she is over him and she said she 100% is and is definitely ready for a new relationship. I have believed her at that time.

 

Last week she told me that her ex has called her and said that he wants to get back together with her. She also said that her ex told her to leave me because I'm a piece of **** (he knows me from work).

 

She told me that obviously she is not interested in him anymore. However, I found it suspicious that she stood 1,5 hours on the phone with him.

 

However, it didn't stop there. The guy again called her and invited her out for a coffee to "discuss things". She was very up front and honest in telling me this and revealed that she said "yes" to meeting him. - I found it weird that she would reveal this to me so calmly... like it's no big deal.

 

Then I told her that I don't think this is right, as they have broken up like a year ago and there shoud be nothing more to "discuss" if she really doesn't care anymore. Especially after how he treated her last time on the phone.

 

She agreed and called off the meeting with him.

 

However, the guy didn't quit and went up to her appartment uninvited and she let him in. They discussed for 2 hours.

 

After their meeting she called me and said that the guy admitted to have cheated on her with around a dozen other girls and even had sex with someone else in the girl's own appartment on Christmass Eve while she was at work...

 

She was extremely distressd and very upset about this reveal. I could almost hear her shaking on the phone...

 

This made me think that she is not over her ex and may even decide the next few days/weeks to dump me and get back with him again.

 

Was I duped? Was I the rebound guy? What are the chances of the two of them getting back together? What should I do?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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No she was over him...but now she is REALLY over him. Put yourself in her shoes. She just got victimized for a second time. You would be shaking too if someone you had loved and cared about at one time told you the extent of their cheating to this degree. Your ego would be smashed.

 

Get your head out of your butt, and give her emotional support.

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sunshine2 Established Member

sunshine2

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I agree with Smackie and this X of hers is a jerk. He made all that effort to "discuss" with her all about his dirty cheating ways for what, to make himself feel better? I am so sorry that your GF had to be put through that. I certainly is not something she needed or probably wanted to know. She already knew he was a cheater, but sometimes it is best not to know all the details.

 

I wouldn't think you are a rebound as it has been a year, but it would be best for her NOT TO ENGAGE with this guy ever again. And YES please give her some emotional support, she needs that more then anything right now.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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There's a diff between being over someone and being susceptible to emotional triggers (thru traumatic association and recollection etc.) He probably triggered a trauma response in her by talking (deliberately and brazenly) about the shady stuff. And it's pretty clear he has an angle in mind to manipulate her further bc he knows her triggers and likely how she reacts to them pretty reliably. Some ppl can make unhealthy associations and pursue them against their own best interests.

 

So imo it's more a matter of how vulnerable she really is and how well adjusted she is to deal w this kind of shakeup. You can and should provide non-judgmental emotional support, but that's not a guarantee she won't run back to him in a dysfunctional panic. There really shouldn't be any exposure to this guy at all and he needs his ass kicked, frankly.

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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it would be best for her NOT TO ENGAGE with this guy ever again

 

There really shouldn't be any exposure to this guy at all and he needs his ass kicked, frankly.

 

I tactly suggested the first time she had an 1,5 hours call with him that it's perhaps best for her not to talk with him anymore. Especially considering how their reationship went down.

 

She quite angrily told me it's absolutely none of my business if she still talks with her ex (despite the fact it was her telling me that she did) and that she will handle this however she sees it fit (i.e. still talking with him).

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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Also, when I told her that it's probably not a good idea to allow him up into her appartment (!!!) she again quite aggressively told me it's absolutely none of my business if she allows him up to her appartment and how she deals with this situation.

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Posted
I tactly suggested the first time she had an 1,5 hours call with him that it's perhaps best for her not to talk with him anymore. Especially considering how their reationship went down.

 

She quite angrily told me it's absolutely none of my business if she still talks with her ex (despite the fact it was her telling me that she did) and that she will handle this however she sees it fit (i.e. still talking with him).

 

Hm. Ok, are you prepared to allow her that level of personal discretion within the relationship? That's probably the ultimate question here.

 

Personally I'd kick the guy's ass regardless, even if it meant we'd be over. (Bc you have personal discretion too.) At least she'd be shut of him then and she'd be better equipped for healthy relationships going forward w/out him meddling.

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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Sorry for tripple post but I'm remembering details as I go along:

 

I also asked her how the discussion came to the topic of him "coming clean" about his cheating.

 

She told me it was actually her who asked him to finally admit to all the things that he has done.

 

I asked her why she wanted to know all the details, considering that she already knew 100% that he was cheating.

 

She said that she just wanted him to finally be honest with her.

 

I then asked why him finally being "honest" still matters after what he did and after so much time.

 

This is what she answered: "We can still be friends if he would at least now be honest with me and fully admit to what he did."

 

I just remmebered this detail now, as I'm quite in shock myself. She actually told me she is honestly considering being friends with him if he fully admits to every case of cheating (which he now did - because it was HER asking him to). And this also under the circumstance that the reason he contacted her was not to be "friends" with her but to convince her to dump me and get back together with him.

 

Am I overreacting or being selfish when I think that this is extremely disrespectful towards me? - She said that I am.

Edited by Rjonny
ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

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So she thinks ok to spend large amounts of time with her ex, her ex who called you a piece of *** and admitted he wants to get back with her? On top of that she was angry that you would think twice about this?

 

 

The amount of disrespect she has shown you would make me run for the door, through the door without opening it, down the street, to a cab, to another city and never look back. I can tell you right now I am friendly with some of my exes and the first time they said anything negative about a current gf I was seeing that I care a little bit for, it would be done.

 

 

I'll tell you right now if OPs gf was posting about the same situation where he was seeing and talking to a past gf for hours at a time, after his ex said his current gf was garbage and she wanted to get back with him, at the same time he chastised his gf for being bothered with it no less, not one person here would say he was over her and just being emotional about it.

 

 

Run OP.

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Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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in this scenario.. you will be dumped.

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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in this scenario.. you will be dumped.

 

What makes you think that?

 

* Not that I don't agree but care to elaborate?

Empyrea Established Member

Empyrea

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I think it's fine that she'd want to hear him out or get closure or whatnot. It's also understandable that she doesn't like you telling her what she can or can't do. That being said, she absolutely should also respect your opinion and take your emotions into account and by no means should she even entertain the idea of staying friends with someone who betrayed her to such a degree.. Maybe by staying friends she meant stay civil and hold no grudge, no more, but even that is a bit of a stretch. I would suggest you remain supportive of her, but firmly yet kindly tell her that this guy is actually the piece of **** in this scenario and she shouldn't give him the time of day..

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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I think it's fine that she'd want to hear him out or get closure or whatnot.
The thing is, they did that already several times. Both immediately after the breakup and during the year. They had several of these "lets discuss things over" talks/calls/meetings during the year.

 

Maybe by staying friends she meant stay civil and hold no grudge, no more
He literally called her names last week on the phone for being with someone else other than him (after he broke up with her to be with someone else!). She now allows him up to her appartment to talk and wants to remain friends with him if he comes 100% clean. Hm. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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The thing is, they did that already several times. Both immediately after the breakup and during the year. They had several of these "lets discuss things over" talks/calls/meetings during the year.

 

 

 

He literally called her names last week on the phone for being with someone else other than him (after he broke up with her to be with someone else!). She now allows him up to her appartment to talk and wants to remain friends with him if he comes 100% clean. Hm.

After reading this....it's time to dump her......have some self worth man.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Empyrea Established Member

Empyrea

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Yeah.. hard to respect someone that doesn't respect herself:/

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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Yeah I'm not sure what's going on.

 

The reason I even got into a relationship with her was specifically because she was acting very mature and showed signs of very high intelligence. I can honestly say she's been one of the most mature and adult-acting people I was ever involved with.

 

And now this. I'm not sure what's going on.

 

After all the things she told me about him (that he even got STD's this year after being with so many girls after he dumped her - he actually told her this like weeks after they broke up bragging that he's banging multiple girls now, even phisically describing the details and the girls intimate features!! - he told her all this weeks after the breakup whlile she was still devastated by the breakup), the thought that she would even discuss anthing at all with him did not occure to me the slightest.

 

Now she's having hour long phone calls with him and allows him to come up uninvited to her place and even wants to be friends with him if he admits to all the cheating?

 

I literally cannot make any sense to this. It's like I'm a in a paralel universe now and my GF has been replaced by a completely different person.

Edited by Rjonny
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Am I overreacting or being selfish when I think that this is extremely disrespectful towards me? - She said that I am.

 

I don't know how disrespectful it is but it is inconsiderate. It's true that it's her life and you don't have any more say in the day-to-day and how she lives it than she wants to give you (and vice-versa), but the implication of partnership is that usually things are done together and w consultation and so on. So she's kinda treating you like a bystander, which wouldn't particularly make me feel good about your situ overall.

 

That said, pls don't just become Paranoid-Insecure Guy, bc that'll flush you faster than anything. If you don't want to go on w this, decide that based on self-respect, not blame. That means that being honest and respectful of her, you should tell her frankly that her approach to the guy is problematic for you and you're having to re-evaluate the R and where you stand bc of it. That you want to support her but if she doesn't support herself first, yours won't matter, and you see her interaction w this guy as risky for that and damaging to her self-esteem. No demands or accusations etc., just counter her stance w yours. If she says fine and bolts and ends up running back to the other guy, fine, there was prob nothing you could do to stop it anyway. If she actually values you tho it'll give her sth to think about and maybe she'll adjust her attitude about the ex douche.

 

Some ppl do have complex coping mechanisms for dealing w loss btw, so don't just assume she's lying about everything. Just bc you don't personally understand her process doesn't mean it isn't legit.

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dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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Have boundaries and consequences if they are crossed. It basically comes down to you or him, regardless of how she might spin it. My hunch is, that no matter what, sounds like she will give him another shot. She's still not over him. whatever you do, don't be a doormat for her to wipe her feet on as she chooses between you and him which is what she is trying to figure out right now while she has both of you on the line.

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gorf Established Member

gorf

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Posted (edited)
Also, when I told her that it's probably not a good idea to allow him up into her appartment (!!!) she again quite aggressively told me it's absolutely none of my business if she allows him up to her appartment and how she deals with this situation.

 

 

Given the circumstances, her loose boundaries, susceptibility to be persuaded to talk and meet by someone long in the past..... and then to lash out when you have a problem with it: this girl is going to do as she pleases. I agree with jen1447's first response on here. This girl is going to be nothing but stress and trouble, even if she doesnt go so far as to get back in bed with this guy, everything else will drive you nuts, and even worse her defense of it to guilt trip you into accepting it will just degrade you into a doormat.

 

She's clearly not over him and her need to hear him out and let him persuade her to communicate, shows she is still under his control to some degree. Her defensive attitude towards you for noticing this only further proves it true

Edited by gorf
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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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That said, pls don't just become Paranoid-Insecure Guy, bc that'll flush you faster than anything.

 

Yeah, I'm not like that at all. I even think I may have been too understading with her about this.

 

They did actually have a previous phone call of like 1-2 hours before, something like 1+ month ago. She told me that he has insulted her and me as well but I did not make an issue about it. She sounded very mature and I just let her be and trusted she can handle it.

 

Then the second phone call happened last week. And then finally the in-person meeting. This is where I think I was too indulgent with this in the past (if it would have even made any difference at all).

 

Mid-way in the relationship she also told me she has two guy best-friends with whom she frequently talks and admitted to me that both guys were interested in her romantically in the past but not anymore and that they are just best friends now.

 

She asked me if I'm ok with that. I told her that the last thing I would ever do is fobid her with whom she should meet/be friends with. She then told me she asked because her ex has explictly forbidden her to have any guy friends at all and that she only reconnected with these 2 friends after she has broken up with her ex.

 

So, I'm the last guy to tell anyone with whom they can talk or not but I feel she is crossing a line with her ex-BF now.

Edited by Rjonny
ElizabethIII Established Member

ElizabethIII

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Get your head out of your butt, and give her emotional support.

 

He has been dating her for 3 months. 12 weeks. 90 days.

 

Why should he deal with her insecurities regarding her previous relationship.

 

Dating is not therapy. You are supposed to be enjoying your new partner not holding their hand and giving emotional support for what their ex did to them.

 

I would deeply unimpressed to have to deal with ex baggage and give emotional support in a 3 month old relationship.

 

OP, find someone else. Life is too short for this.

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dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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You are way too understanding if you tolerate this kind of behavior. It is not okay to do to someone you are in a committed relationship with and the problem is that you can't force her to change the way she feels towards him. You say that he cheated on her and that she says stuff that tries to give the appearance that she doesn't care for him all that much, buy that is just nonsense. She was cheated on by him and would still consider at least being friends with him? BS. She is just trying to put you at ease while she figures out which one of you she wants.

 

Let me ask you something. Do you think this is going away soon either way? Do you not think that even 6 months down the road this could be an issue even if you two are somehow still together? Do you really want to waste your time on someone with this type of emotional baggage?

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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This is what I would do:

 

I would tell her I am not okay with this continuing friendship/contact with her ex. That I find it destructive to her self esteem and our relationship and it needs to stop. If it stops I'll be there for her - to give her all the support she needs. But if it doesn't, i don't want to continue on building an exclusive relationship with her. It just doesn't work for me.

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Rjonny Member

Rjonny

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I unfortunately don't think this is going to go away.

 

Maybe only if the guy will completely leave her alone and do not contact her anymore at all.

 

But from the sign of it, that will not happen.

 

He still calls her from now and then and explicitly brings up relationship talk. And when she refuses to meet her then he just casally walks up her place and she allows him in.

 

It will unfortunately not stop. :/

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gorf Established Member

gorf

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Posted (edited)
I unfortunately don't think this is going to go away.

 

Maybe only if the guy will completely leave her alone and do not contact her anymore at all.

 

But from the sign of it, that will not happen.

 

He still calls her from now and then and explicitly brings up relationship talk. And when she refuses to meet her then he just casally walks up her place and she allows him in.

 

It will unfortunately not stop. :/

 

Ask her if she wants it to stop. If she does, tell her she has to allow you to step in and be her man in your relationship with her. This guy should not be contacting her, as a friend or as an ex. She has not kids with the guy.

 

He's bringing up relationship talk to try and weasel back in. She's making it easy. She's letting him. Tell her you see that and be firm about it. If shes defensive, then she wants you to stand back so it can happen. If she agrees with you, then be a man and put an end to it. Let he know you are in a relationship with her, not her and this guy. He needs to go away and she needs to see your point of view before you show integrity and walk leaving them to sort out what she is not over with him. if you dont stand up, this guy will go from phone calls, to coffee meetups, to walking up to her doorstep, to sitting on the living room couch, and from there who knows. You will only be met by her defensiveness for noticing she is not over the guy. Stand up for yourself

Edited by gorf
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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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