DK_Casus Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 So you use Tinder to swap recopies, and discuss price hikes in groceries in the last week. Come on, Tinder is a purely "Lets meet" app, and again, come on, why else would you wanna meet. OK, maybe there is 1 % that may talk about boring stuff. Anyway, were hijacking the OP's thread. Ted. I'm on Tinder to meet people, yes. I don't consider non-sex talk boring unless it's boring. I'm looking for a potential partner - and, to me, the act of sex is inherently more interesting than talking about it with a complete stranger. Doesn't mean I mind it - or that I don't do it - it just means I never - or almost never - initiate the talk.
salparadise Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I honestly don't feel like there is anything bad going on in the relationship. I cannot think of any reasons why she would cheat. People don't require logical reasons. People usually have little or no understanding of their actual motivations. You cannot determine any of this by testing logical sequences. All that matters, and all that can be determined, is the result––can you trust her, or not. I also do NOT think your conclusion about someone (her) needing to be a sociopath to be a good liar is accurate at all. Some are good at it, others are not. The one thing I think you should assume is that if she was using Tinder then she probably had an explanation already in mind to obfuscate and feign innocence. Human beings are complex, we do things for a variety of reasons. Yes. Complex and irrational, which includes irrational rationalizations. Otherwise known as de Nile, or denial. If the story is made up or partially true, it's not a story that she could make on the spot. And what would be the point of making a such story. She could have just told me "no I didn't get tinder again it was the old profile or it showed up because I didn't deactivate." The fact that she deleted and deactivated the Tinder account completely means something? whether she had the intention or not. Even if she was on it to cheat or message old contacts again. Now she no longer wishes to and there is no way of getting the old account back. I should just let it go perhaps. Sure. It means that given an unrecoverable flat spin, she'd eject rather than ride the plane into the ground. Actually, deactivating and unlinking from FB does not delete the account. All beside the point though... What you're doing here is rationalizing away what you know to be true because it doesn't fit the way you wish things would be. You want your girlfriend, and you want to believe you can trust her. Finding her on Tinder is hard evidence to the contrary. So you're rationalizing that her deleting/deactivating completely nullifies evidence that you wish did not exist. You're resolving dissonance by contorting the only half of this equation that is malleable. Here is what I think is probably true. Either a) she likes the ego boost of matching randomly and the variable interval reinforcement, or b) she likes the validation of having multiple men pursuing her. Neither one of these equals a conscious intention to cheat... but both are in effect removing one of the barriers that you obviously want to remain in place. So I think what you have in terms of hard, rational evidence is that her boundaries are less rigid than you presumed and wanted to believe. She is not one-hundred percent trustworthy like you want to believe, and you don't know exactly where she is on that scale. It's uncomfortable, and you want answers to things that are not easy to know. 1
Superchicken Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I'm on Tinder to meet people, yes. I'm looking for a potential partner. The Aha moment. This is WHY she "Re Installed" Tinder. Ted. 2
DK_Casus Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 The Aha moment. This is WHY she "Re Installed" Tinder. Ted. Yes, because everyone is just like you and I in all cases no matter what they're actually saying about it You seem like a nice person, but you're a bit too B/W for my tastes in terms of taking your advice too seriously.
Author T216 Posted November 23, 2016 Author Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) Each of us is different. Our memories and experiences vary from one to another. We react differently. We all have our own ways of solving problems, setting boundaries, drawing conclusions etc. All that we can do in difficult situations is to rationalize, so we don't go insane. There may be many versions of the truth, reasons that she may not even be able to explain if she wanted to. Human beings are so psychologically complex, we constantly look for peace amid our own madness. As long as her intentions were not bad, I would forgive her and trust her. She wrote me a very long email tonight to say sorry. She feels horrible that she made me feel that way. It was really nothing at all, she didn't chat to anyone and she didn't look at profiles. It was in the same way as going through old emails. She said she looked at it for two seconds with her friend and forgot about it. She didn't think that it could be something that could hurt me and she didn't think of the consequences (if she wanted to cheat, Tinder indeed is a very bad choice, considering how common it is and it's linked to Facebook, we all have so many mutual friends). She said it's the honest truth, she only wants to be with me and she has no interests in anyone else. She has nothing to hide, she just felt sick hurting me and making me upset in this way. Her story has been consistent, she didn't add anything since yesterday. She had the whole day to make the whole story more elaborate. Perhaps it does have its own set of logic from her perspective. This is all part of getting to know each other I guess, trying to understand another human being despite our differences and our madness. All that I can do is to forgive and trust her. My gut feeling still tells me that deep down there is nothing wrong and she is a good person, then I shall always be a good person in return. Perhaps that's what love is, trying to understand and accept each other's madness before our own. Then it won't get to the point where we really start hurting each other. Thank you all for your help, replies and offering your perspectives. I really appreciate it. I have learned a lot. At the end of the day, only now matters. What happened is in the past, what happens next is up to us. She has made her decision. I shall be kind in return, I do believe that she has a good heart. Edited November 23, 2016 by T216 2
jen1447 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 All that I can do is to forgive and trust her. My gut feeling still tells me that deep down there is nothing wrong and she is a good person, then I shall always be a good person in return. Perhaps that's what love is, trying to understand and accept each other's madness before our own. Then it won't get to the point where we really start hurting each other. Thank you all for your help, replies and offering your perspectives. I really appreciate it. I have learned a lot. At the end of the day, only now matters. What happened is in the past, what happens next is up to us. She has made her decision. I shall be kind in return, I do believe that she has a good heart. Glad you got there ....good luck and I hope it works out. Even if it doesn't, you've been dignified and at least you can carry that with you. 1
VeveCakes Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 The Aha moment. This is WHY she "Re Installed" Tinder. Ted. Lawyered LOLLL She wanted to see the messaged because she wanted to get the guys contact info!! Who doesnt remember a guy she met on Tinder...I mean really. Or maybe she wanted to look at his pics. I know for a fact if you are not on discovery you won't show up! She had it on. She had the app.... it is cut and dry. If I had a bf, no way in hell would I be on Tinder no matter what and if I needed some secret code that I had in my Tinder messages I would tell my bf "hey I need to get something and it is on Tinder so don't be alarmed but I'm going on now and then deleting it asap" and I would do it with him to prove it. Too much shadyness in this story. 7
mickeyanne12 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I was glad to see you came out and asked her. I don't know how Tinder works exactly, but when anyone is worried about something in a relationship, it's so important to be open and honest. You can never be totally sure about something until you communicate and get all those fears out in the open. You have her explanation, and it's up to you if you can live with that or not. I wish you luck in making your decision. 1
LD1990 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 What happened is in the past, what happens next is up to us. Well Sigmund Freud, all that psychobabble aside, what's next is she realizes she can get away with pretty much anything, because you'll believe any crazy story she throws out there as long as it's accompanied by waterworks and her wailing "I'm sorry."
frus69 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Well Sigmund Freud, all that psychobabble aside, what's next is she realizes she can get away with pretty much anything, because you'll believe any crazy story she throws out there as long as it's accompanied by waterworks and her wailing "I'm sorry." I believe if she wanted to reconnect with some old tinder fling OP would find out about it soon. I think he will make the right decision then.
Sweetfish Posted November 24, 2016 Posted November 24, 2016 Op. If something does happen in the future please chime in and update us.
Author T216 Posted November 24, 2016 Author Posted November 24, 2016 Of course. I am ok with the resolution now. Relationship is hard work, as long as we have mutual understanding. Thank you for all the comments so far. This is really great community.
Superchicken Posted November 24, 2016 Posted November 24, 2016 T216, you now have the tools to continue the fight against cheaters !. Go ahead and live your life as usual, and use the knowledge obtained here, to allow yourself confidence to realize again (Yes, because you spotted it the first time and posted here) if she starts to stray again. Let me also say (I said it once before), I reckon you prevented here from going any further to meet that guy. That's a slap on the wrist, yes, but, mate, if you really feel something for her, then pursue it. If it happens, then it will happen. Good luck, and never be taken for granted, by anyone. Ted.
Recommended Posts