Could she be cheating?

[T216]

Hi everyone,

 

My first post here. Any helps and insights will be really appreciated.

 

I have been seeing someone for 9 months. Things are going great, we have been going on holidays together, overseas and locally. Met her family, we traveled together with her mum. I spent a lot of time with her friends also, she introduces me to people as her boyfriend and we see each other 3-4 times a week, nothing feels wrong. And we are planning a Christmas holiday away.

 

Today a guy friend of mine asked me for lunch, and he told me that my girlfriend is still showing up on Tinder. My friend lives close to her, he saw her profile yesterday and took a couple of screen grabs.

 

I am not sure what to do...?

 

We have had the talk a few months ago, we are exclusive. I am not seeing anyone else, not planning to. It doesn't feel like she is seeing other people, or there is anything wrong in the relationship. She deleted the app in front of me when we had the talk months ago.

 

I guess my question is -

 

Will your Tinder profile still show up if you just delete the app itself on the phone?

 

or

 

You will have to be actually "active" for your profile to show up again?

 

I have never used Tinder before, I am not sure how it works. It could be something that she doesn't know. If deleting the app does not log you out, and your account may still be showing in the swiping pool.

 

If she was active recently, then it changes things, it is a really different discussion.

 

I d like to make sure before I ask her in person.

 

Thank you.

[Superchicken]

Only way to make sure, is get your mate to start a chat with her (While your with your mate) and see if she responds. That or open your own account, and with a fake name, and download a hunky guy image from the web, and use it as your photo when you send it off.

Basically catfish her. See how far she's willing to go...

If she responds, then you have your answer, and NEVER see her again. She's done it all this time behind your back, and it means she will do it again, but hide it better if you continue.

But until then, get the app, make contact on Tinder, and get your friend to do the same.

See what happens.

 

 

I really wish your just over suspicious.

Hang in, and don't get too upset yet..

Update here if you have the need too.

 

 

Ted.

[joseb]

I'd go with super chickens idea. Go with the hunky guy.

Women rarely swipe right so chances are she wont match your mate unless he's very good looking. But might be worth a shot if she doesn't know him.

 

Unfortunately simply asking will likely result in either a lie, or you not believing her anyway.

 

As far as I know, it's unlikely you will match an old inactive profile, but it is possible I guess, so before jumping to conclusions do your research(or your fishing)

[Empyrea]

Or, you know, instead of being suspicious and sneaky - how about you ask her about it? Tell her your friend saw her profile on Tinder and ask her what's up with that. You can tell from her reaction if she's genuinely surprised or if she acts nervous.

 

I think if you only delete the app instead of deleting your account, you can still show up for people (just rarely, maybe when they've already swiped through most of the active people in their area), so it could be perfectly legit. Or she downloaded the app to show her girlfriend how it works or to check if her profile is still up after deleting the app... (I did that recently, despite being in an exclusive relationship - oh no! PS yes, it was) She might not know about it either and would like to delete her account properly.

 

Catfishing just sounds like such an extreme thing to do for someone who has no reason to really think their partner is cheating.

[Superchicken]

Or, you know, instead of being suspicious and sneaky - how about you ask her about it? Tell her your friend saw her profile on Tinder and ask her what's up with that. You can tell from her reaction if she's genuinely surprised or if she acts nervous..

 

And Goldilocks said "No, I didn't eat the porridge".

The bears believed her, and went out ate the woodsman instead.

 

 

Seriously ?. I would lie through my teeth !, and I have all of them.

How many cheaters say "Its not what you think", "Im not cheating", yada yada..

Well, I could be wrong, anything is possible..

 

 

Oh, and JoseB, your down the rd from me.

Nice to see a fellow Aussie on this site.

 

 

Ted.

[T216]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate your opinions on the matter.

 

I am not a Tinder user myself, I have no idea how it works. I don't want to ask her in the wrong way.

 

My friend said he has swiped through pretty much everyone in the area, he has never seen her, only last night she showed up.

 

There are two possibilities -

 

1. Tinder shows inactive accounts (even from over 6 months ago) when you have swiped through all the active people in the area.

 

2. She has been active recently, so her account appeared again.

 

I don't think making a fake account and try to make contact is the right way to go. Don't you need to match with the other user first before you can establish contact? The chance is pretty small.

 

If I ask her she could lie about it if she was actually doing it. Most cheaters do.

 

I wonder what's the best way to handle this. The two possibilities are quite different from each other. Maybe I am being positive about it. It doesn't feel like there is anything wrong in the relationship. We text each other every day, stay over at each other's every second day. She is comfortable with leaving her phone around me when she is not around etc.

 

How does Tinder work? How long does it take for an active account to become inactive in general?

Edited November 21, 2016 by T216

[MarkIVSteel]

Or, you know, instead of being suspicious and sneaky - how about you ask her about it? Tell her your friend saw her profile on Tinder and ask her what's up with that. You can tell from her reaction if she's genuinely surprised or if she acts nervous.

 

I think if you only delete the app instead of deleting your account, you can still show up for people (just rarely, maybe when they've already swiped through most of the active people in their area), so it could be perfectly legit. Or she downloaded the app to show her girlfriend how it works or to check if her profile is still up after deleting the app... (I did that recently, despite being in an exclusive relationship - oh no! PS yes, it was) She might not know about it either and would like to delete her account properly.

 

Catfishing just sounds like such an extreme thing to do for someone who has no reason to really think their partner is cheating.

 

Because cheaters always tell the truth.

 

"Honey, are you cheating on me?"

 

"Yes, honey, I am."

 

Get real.

[MarkIVSteel]

People only show up on tinder if they're active.

 

Tinder removed inactive accounts from the swipe pool.

 

Just because you haven't noticed any change in your girlfriend's behavior doesn't mean she's not cheating.

 

It could be she hasn't found anyone to cheat with yet.

 

Just open her phone when she's not around and check to see if she still has the app installed. Also, check her text messages.

[Empyrea]

And Goldilocks said "No, I didn't eat the porridge".

The bears believed her, and went out ate the woodsman instead.

 

 

Seriously ?. I would lie through my teeth !, and I have all of them.

How many cheaters say "Its not what you think", "Im not cheating", yada yada..

Well, I could be wrong, anything is possible..

 

 

Oh, and JoseB, your down the rd from me.

Nice to see a fellow Aussie on this site.

 

 

Ted.

 

Most people aren't actually superb liars and actors, the inital reaction would probably be quite truthful if she's not expecting the question.

 

And to say she's cheating.. T216, sounds like a real big stretch to me. Occasionally swiping on Tinder for an ego boost? Maybe. Actually spending hours on Tinder to chat up potential dates, going on those dates, and then sleeping with random strangers all behind your back without you having noticed anything different about her? Does she guard her phone a lot? Does she disappear in the evenings for several hours without you being able to get in touch? You've never used Tinder, so I'll give you a break, but it's soooo much work to even find anything remotely shaggable there, especially if you're a girl. It just sounds extremely unlikely, especially since your friend hadn't seen her on there before. To actually be cheating, she'd probably need to be using Tinder actively for weeks at least.

 

Just ask her about it, without accusing her of anything. In a semi serious semi joking manner - hey, you showed up on my friend's Tinder, is there anything you want to tell me? And see how she reacts. Let us know how it goes!

[joseb]

You've never used Tinder, so I'll give you a break, but it's soooo much work to even find anything remotely shaggable there, especially if you're a girl.

 

You have got to be kidding, right?

Even for an average looking girl, the term fish in a barrel comes to mind.

 

OK, he COULD just ask her, and if he is really good at reading body language and detecting liers, he might figure out the truth.

But more likely, he will hope for a reasonable explanation, and when she gives one, be relieved and not notice the pauses or mannerisms that someone not-emotionally invested might spot.

 

Cheaters are usually pretty good at lying and minimising, that's how they can do it, It could start with "no i deleted it" and then - "oh yeah, i just opened it to show to a friend the other night, that must be it", if you are not buying that it might be "oh i felt you were not paying me attention, so I needed an ego boost", and if you find more evidence of messaging it will be "I only chat", then you realise they met up and it was "we just had drinks...etc" ... you get the picture.

 

It's possible that there is a relatively innocent explanation, but having had the wool pulled over my eyes, I would be investigating this covertly,

Edited November 21, 2016 by joseb

[T216]

She doesn't guard her phone. She doesn't go MIA or anything.

 

If she is cheating, she is a pretty good actor, you will have to be borderline sociopath to act that well when you are in a relationship. I am pretty sensitive, normally people can pick up a few warning signs. It doesn't feel like something is wrong.

 

She could be emotionally cheating or perhaps getting ego boost from Tinder?

 

I have been searching online to see how the Tinder algorithm works. How long does it take to become inactive in the swiping pool? I cannot really find anything.

 

Some say it can still show up even after years if you just delete the app. Some say it will become inactive and automatically disappear from the swiping pool after a week. It's quite confusing.

 

Just trying to gather as much information as possible before asking her.

[MarkIVSteel]

You've never used Tinder, so I'll give you a break, but it's soooo much work to even find anything remotely shaggable there, especially if you're a girl.

 

:lmao::lmao:

[Empyrea]

You have got to be kidding, right?

Even for an average looking girl, the term fish in a barrel comes to mind.

 

Yas, but the barrel is full of toads.

 

OK, he COULD just ask her, and if he is really good at reading body language and detecting liers, he might figure out the truth.

But more likely, he will hope for a reasonable explanation, and when she gives one, be relieved and not notice the pauses or mannerisms that someone not-emotionally invested might spot.

 

Cheaters are usually pretty good at lying and minimising, that's how they can do it, It could start with "no i deleted it" and then - "oh yeah, i just opened it to show to a friend the other night, that must be it", if you are not buying that it might be "oh i felt you were not paying me attention, so I needed an ego boost", and if you find more evidence of messaging it will be "I only chat", then you realise they met up and it was "we just had drinks...etc" ... you get the picture.

 

It's possible that there is a relatively innocent explanation, but having had the wool pulled over my eyes, I would be investigating this covertly,

 

Sure, but that sounds much more likely than the cheating theory! - since OP said nothing else has seemed off at all. I've literally done that, dl-ed Tinder to show a friend and then had a quick swipe to remind myself how lucky I am to have my bf.. in the back of my mind I thought what a funny story it would make if any of his friends saw my profile. I just need to believe that there are decent honest non cheating people out there and that it's possible to tell a good one from a bad one and you shouldn't always assume the worst!

[Empyrea]

:lmao::lmao:

 

Fine, it takes 0 work to find a shag, but it's 0 needles in a haystack if you have standards. Which is what you have if you're in a relationship and actually getting some.

[joseb]

Yas, but the barrel is full of toads.

 

 

Sure, but that sounds much more likely than the cheating theory! - since OP said nothing else has seemed off at all. I've literally done that, dl-ed Tinder to show a friend and then had a quick swipe to remind myself how lucky I am to have my bf.. in the back of my mind I thought what a funny story it would make if any of his friends saw my profile. I just need to believe that there are decent honest non cheating people out there and that it's possible to tell a good one from a bad one and you shouldn't always assume the worst!

 

It's not easy to tell though. I lived with someone for years, and she was actively cheating for 6 months at the end. I had absolutely no idea. I would not have guessed in a million years.

 

I agree, we should not assume the worst.

 

OP, don't assume she is cheating. But I think the old fake profile idea is the way to go. This way you know.

 

Regarding algorithms, etc, you wont get a definite answer but the general belief is that profiles go inactive in a matter of a few weeks to a couple of months.

[T216]

It has been months since she deleted the app. She did it in front of me when we had the exclusive talk.

 

Is it possible for an inactive profile to show up after a few months? When you have swiped through all the active ones near by in your area?

 

My friend said he has been quite active for the past 3 months, he had never seen her profile before. He has pretty much swiped all the profiles with 5km. She showed up last night.

 

If she has been active, I will confront her differently. Since it will be a different story and context than just inactive profiles showing up.

[Superchicken]

I'm not sure how Tinder works.

But is it possible to get your friend to swipe her to chat or what ever happens when you swipe.

Even if she replies with a NO, or reject, it means she's back on it again.

If others say you need to be active on Tinder to be listed, then, she must be active again.

 

 

However, don't assume she doesn't have another phone, or use a friends phone.

 

 

 

Don't confront until your sure either way..

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[jen1447]

I agree w Empyrea, setting up some UC operation is a bit silly and you'll always feel a bit sleazy about that going forward, esp if it doesn't work. Just be an adult and treat her like an adult and ask her. I don't know how Tinder works so I can't help you there but the more you get into a secret investigation here the more you drive a wedge in between the two of you.

 

I noticed you said earlier that "she could lie ...." - is that a real possibility? As in the concept of her lying within the framework of your existing relationship wouldn't be particularly surprising? If so, that's where your real relationship issue is bc if you don't have trust you don't have much.

[VeveCakes]

He probably never saw her because she hasn't been on in a long time.

 

You have to delete your profile or go "inactive" in order for it to be gone, deleting the app does nothing.

 

She probably just didn't delete it. You could always just ask her though.

[PogoStick]

Stats say that 50% of the people on Tinder are not single. It's a time waster, not a cheating app, for most.

[joseb]

I agree w Empyrea, setting up some UC operation is a bit silly and you'll always feel a bit sleazy about that going forward, esp if it doesn't work. Just be an adult and treat her like an adult and ask her. I don't know how Tinder works so I can't help you there but the more you get into a secret investigation here the more you drive a wedge in between the two of you.

 

I noticed you said earlier that "she could lie ...." - is that a real possibility? As in the concept of her lying within the framework of your existing relationship wouldn't be particularly surprising? If so, that's where your real relationship issue is bc if you don't have trust you don't have much.

 

Jen, I love your posts but you obviously have not had a lot of experience of cheaters.

Yes they can lie. And yes they can do that within a relationship that seems otherwise fine, and give you no clue that anything is up.

 

This doesn't mean that you should assume that everyone is likely to lie and cheat, but yeah, once you see the way people can be you realise that nothing is that surprising. So trust people, until you see something that invalidates that trust, like their face popping up on tinder.

[jen1447]

Jen, I love your posts but you obviously have not had a lot of experience of cheaters.

Yes they can lie. And yes they can do that within a relationship that seems otherwise fine, and give you no clue that anything is up.

 

This doesn't mean that you should assume that everyone is likely to lie and cheat, but yeah, once you see the way people can be you realise that nothing is that surprising. So trust people, until you see something that invalidates that trust, like their face popping up on tinder.

 

No offense Joseb but I'm actually speaking from experience, albeit indirect, not pie-in-the-sky-idealism. My BF is professionally down in the gutter w the cheating masses bscly daily and shares his experiences and outlook w me fairly regularly. So I think it'd be fair to say my opinion's more experientially informed than most here bc I get my info straight from the source. Which should bscly tell you I might be onto sth here if I advocate for the non-cynical view despite what I know instead of just jumping on the fear-mongering train.

[LD1990]

Just open her phone when she's not around and check to see if she still has the app installed. Also, check her text messages.

 

Yes, do this. It's not foolproof if she is covering her tracks well, but it's the most effective possible solution here.

 

It's a bit silly when people throw out advice like "just ask her" or "if you think she'll lie, you already have trust problems." Newsflash people - everyone can and does lie. Look up the statistics if you don't believe me. Acknowledging that your partner can lie to you doesn't mean you have trust issues, it means you're being realistic and not living in fantasy land.

 

"Just ask her" is great advice if we assume OP's girlfriend is telling the truth, but there's no way to know that for sure. Checking her phone is the way to go.

[T216]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I am going to ask her tonight, and see if she has the app on the phone.

 

Good relationship is based on honest communications. It doesn't feel like there is anything going wrong, and I think she will tell me the truth. She is a good person, never imagined her as the cheating type.

 

I will see her reaction first when I ask her, even good liars cannot cover up the initial reaction well.

[joseb]

No offense Joseb but I'm actually speaking from experience, albeit indirect, not pie-in-the-sky-idealism. My BF is professionally down in the gutter w the cheating masses bscly daily and shares his experiences and outlook w me fairly regularly. So I think it'd be fair to say my opinion's more experientially informed than most here bc I get my info straight from the source. Which should bscly tell you I might be onto sth here if I advocate for the non-cynical view despite what I know instead of just jumping on the fear-mongering train.

 

Ok, so maybe I've got a negative perception.

But maybe you have to walk.in the shoes to really experience it. It's one thing to read and hear stories here on loveshack. It's another thing to have someone you would trust with your life and who you have known for half of it lie so blatantly to you without batting an eyelid. I would say its impossible except I've seen it.

I would probably have punched anyone who would hint that she had a cheating bone in her body.

 

I'm actually not advocating for the cynical view either. It's the pragmatic one. Its definitely not good to assume the worst. Despite my experiences I always assume the best in people. But having seen how cheaters behave, I know that if asked a question like the op would do, they will have no problem covering up.

 

Sounds like the op is going with the honest talk. So let's just hope she is one of the good ones.