A week giving her "space." Had enough

[Slimtripper]

thank you for your honest response, no need to elaborate that was more than enough info.

 

 

 

Well that one is on her since moving in together is a big step and has to be a joint decision and not one that you force your partner into doing. She should accept your readiness for that next step and be patient with your decision so long as you are dedicated to the relationship and she feels you are moving towards a common goal. But it sounds like somewhere down the line that notion of sharing a goal got lost in the shuffle. So it makes that moving in together discussion an even sharper sting.

 

 

 

Well obviously it isn't what she wanted to hear but she should have discussed this with you rather than revert to passive aggression.

 

 

Slim!!

 

Correct me if I am not reading that right but it really sounds like you actually dumped her months ago?

 

 

 

She was hanging on for dear life and it culminated with her anxiety attack and wanting to walk away but not really. Correct?

 

So here we are full circle from page one and the first post I offered which was:

 

 

 

 

And this is why I have been suggesting you proceed with caution and if you want her you will have to prove you are serious about it and you'll have to chase her a bit.

 

This whole story now is quite a different picture from the simple "she asked for space and I am fed up of waiting"

 

I'm having a difficult time understanding why now all of a sudden you do want her that she isn't chasing and if you really want her for all the right reasons.

 

Please do yourselves both a favour and take this time that she is not responding to really think about why you want her back and if that is ultimately what you want. You too should be using this time to reflect and decide.

 

Yea you're spot on again. I'm really glad i've listened to you all this time and kept my emotions out of the situation with her.

The talk i had with her the other day i said that i had to look inside myself and work out if this is actually want, and it is. Its either do it properly or don't do it and i want to properly do life together. Its just so farmilair as those are the exact words she said to me when i pushed her away. Except honestly, I didn't.

Id worked out a way of her making Enough money so she could travel anywhere i had to go to. That was all my plan was. That we could have a great life.

 

And then a week before this happened i was thinking to myself, i really have to put some effort in here or ill lose her. I missed her call because i was working and then the next call i could just tell in her voice, id had the last chance.

But then i still feel like she was fighting with herself over what to do, because i know she hasn't loved anyone like me before.

 

Im half tempted just to get a plane and go sort this out. It would take a week out of my time, ill get some better weather and it wil show her that im serious.

 

That's one thing in the back of my head. The other is just to leave texting her now. What do u reckon? I cant fly out until Monday. I could just leave it the weekend, see how i feel on Monday and if i feel like its worth it ill go over.

 

I knew i could go out there and likely make it right but ive had to question how much i wanted to make this work. If i do that, then im 100% in. And whatever happens happens. But it definitely isn't a knee jerk reaction now two weeeks later. It would be a serious statement of my intent.

[dangerous]

Sorry, but I'm surprised how this is going on for pages and you're still waiting! I know its hard, but I think you started off right, you should have stuck to your deadlines and standards.

 

I think that Patio is way off on this.

 

OP, you've said all about what you've done wrong and your past emotional blocks. But you've not told us about your GF. I bet she has some pain in the past? Am I right?

 

I'd bet she's the one with commitment issues and she's pushing you away, whether or not there is another guy on the scene.

 

Good luck either way. But know how easy is to get hooked. Be careful mate.

[Slimtripper]

Sorry, but I'm surprised how this is going on for pages and you're still waiting! I know its hard, but I think you started off right, you should have stuck to your deadlines and standards.

 

I think that Patio is way off on this.

 

OP, you've said all about what you've done wrong and your past emotional blocks. But you've not told us about your GF. I bet she has some pain in the past? Am I right?

 

I'd bet she's the one with commitment issues and she's pushing you away, whether or not there is another guy on the scene.

 

Good luck either way. But know how easy is to get hooked. Be careful mate.

 

She definitely isn't honestly. She was the one who always harassed me about marriage, kids down the line. Moving in together. She has no commitment issues at all, she wanted commitment. She hasn't met a guy like me. She was deeply in love with me and more so than I was. Or maybe not more in love, but more in love with the idea of us being together, spending a life together. She hasn't been like that with anyone before. And to her, this was it. I was the one.

 

I really do feel, whatever skp says and she's given some killer advice. That i am not helping anything by letting this just carry on.

It isn't commitment though honestly. She does feel that im not committed enough, that I don't care about her and she wont get what she wants from me long term.

Wether there is someone else I don't know. I would like to know! If there is its a pretty simple way to go then at least.

[dangerous]

But you didn't answer if she has a past trauma. Do you Know?

This will have a significant bearing on her current behaviour if so. If not, then you and SKP may be right.

[Frozensushi]

It really seems like you two have different priorities in life.

 

So you feel she might have been in love with the "idea" of you or a relationship with you? That might be a valid concern. She fell in love with a "fantasy" and when the excitement died down and reality set in, she didn't feel the same. It happens sometimes.

 

You both are on two different paths in life. I'm not certain this was a match made in heaven.

[Slimtripper]

But you didn't answer if she has a past trauma. Do you Know?

This will have a significant bearing on her current behaviour if so. If not, then you and SKP may be right.

 

She said the other day when she asked for space that she has had trouble trusting men. Her dad left her, her stepdad beat her. All that stuff.

But whatever picture that paints, its just words and I hadn't heard about the beating stuff before. People always say excuses when they break up so im not sure how or what that was actually like.

 

I have been really bad for 4-5 months. In my own way ive been massively supportive. She's hated me a lot of times iv made her not quit what she's been doing with her career, but i cared about her enough to make her follow it. No one else would.

 

Well its been two days right now. I always thought that if you don't know what to do, do nothing and let it work itself out. I feel like that's the best way forward.

[Slimtripper]

She said the other day when she asked for space that she has had trouble trusting men. Her dad left her, her stepdad beat her. All that stuff.

But whatever picture that paints, its just words and I hadn't heard about the beating stuff before. People always say excuses when they break up so im not sure how or what that was actually like.

 

I have been really bad for 4-5 months. In my own way ive been massively supportive. She's hated me a lot of times iv made her not quit what she's been doing with her career, but i cared about her enough to make her follow it. No one else would.

 

Well its been two days right now. I always thought that if you don't know what to do, do nothing and let it work itself out. I feel like that's the best way forward.

 

SKP i've been doing this for a month now. My gut instinct always tells me to be firm and be prepared to walk away. When i text her saying i wanted to know either way she replied all apologizing and saying we should definitely talk. And then when i said i understand, its ok, and gave her a time. She didn't even reply.

 

Being nice and understanding doesn't work. The only way is for me to leave. Now she hasn't called me im in the frame of mind that its over, and once again feel much happier than waiting around.

 

I said what i did to her. I got to say my piece and offer her my whole life on a plate. I cant offer anything else now. If i do contact her then ill do it monday to confirm that i take that as her decision. That isn't to make her do anything, i just have to get that out of my head to move on.

its going to be in a few days to say that im going to take that as her answer, all the best.

 

If i do contact her. It comes in waves. I just need to get my head out of this now. Go speak to some other women, not be hanging around looking at my phone all night. I have neglected her, but i also put a lot of time and effort into her and and her career that no one has ever done before.

 

Im not chasing at all from this point. Its gone on too long. Im going to sleep and im turning my phone off.

[Marc878]

You nor anyone needs this in their life. You're not married just move on.

Why would you want this uncertainty in your life. She's not the only woman in the world.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I agreed to give her space so obs been avoiding calling and only text once

 

 

When i text her saying i wanted to know either way she replied all apologizing and saying we should definitely talk. And then when i said i understand, its ok, and gave her a time. She didn't even reply.

 

 

You are both doing, and getting annoyed by the very same thing.

 

Being nice and understanding doesn't work. The only way is for me to leave. Now she hasn't called me im in the frame of mind that its over, and once again feel much happier than waiting around

 

No need to wait around for anything. You are free to carry on with your life as you were before all this went down and you had the security that she'd always be there. Just like you told her "right now we can't do this so focus on carrying on with your life while I am not there" I highly recommend you do the same.

 

I totally get how frustrating and annoying this waiting game is. NO one likes to be in this position. It is nerve-wracking and produces a lot of anxiety. But if you don't want to reach out to her to say I'm done, or walk away and assume it's done then you have no choice but to practice patience and wait.

I said what i did to her. I got to say my piece and offer her my whole life on a plate. I cant offer anything else now. If i do contact her then ill do it monday to confirm that i take that as her decision. That isn't to make her do anything, i just have to get that out of my head to move on.

its going to be in a few days to say that im going to take that as her answer, all the best. If i do contact her. It comes in waves. I just need to get my head out of this now.

 

Ok. Best thing you can do is call it a day and just do as you suggested. Just sit on your anger is all I can recommend.

 

Go speak to some other women, not be hanging around looking at my phone all night. I have neglected her, but i also put a lot of time and effort into her and and her career that no one has ever done before.

 

Warning: Captain Obvious comment ahead...

 

If you go out and get with other women it is no different than what people have been telling you she is doing, which is supposedly "getting with another guy" because you neglected her.

Go out and have some fun, flirt if you need to to make yourself feel better but I'd recommend don't do anything hasty until you have closed the chapter on this relationship for good.

 

Don't do something you can't come back from because you are mad.

 

Remember you last left it off that you wanted to work through this. Going out and getting with other women only caters to your hurt feelings and not your confessions of wanting this to work out.

 

Don't be that guy, even if she is being "that girl" which we don't know either way. Don't stoop to that.

[Slimtripper]

You are both doing, and getting annoyed by the very same thing.

 

 

 

No need to wait around for anything. You are free to carry on with your life as you were before all this went down and you had the security that she'd always be there. Just like you told her "right now we can't do this so focus on carrying on with your life while I am not there" I highly recommend you do the same.

 

I totally get how frustrating and annoying this waiting game is. NO one likes to be in this position. It is nerve-wracking and produces a lot of anxiety. But if you don't want to reach out to her to say I'm done, or walk away and assume it's done then you have no choice but to practice patience and wait.

 

 

Ok. Best thing you can do is call it a day and just do as you suggested. Just sit on your anger is all I can recommend.

 

 

 

Warning: Captain Obvious comment ahead...

 

If you go out and get with other women it is no different than what people have been telling you she is doing, which is supposedly "getting with another guy" because you neglected her.

Go out and have some fun, flirt if you need to to make yourself feel better but I'd recommend don't do anything hasty until you have closed the chapter on this relationship for good.

 

Don't do something you can't come back from because you are mad.

 

Remember you last left it off that you wanted to work through this. Going out and getting with other women only caters to your hurt feelings and not your confessions of wanting this to work out.

 

Don't be that guy, even if she is being "that girl" which we don't know either way. Don't stoop to that.

 

I'm not going to physically do anything with anyone, I'm not in the right headspace I need a break from girls for a bit. But I am going to start being social and single again.

It's been 3 days now. She isn't coming back. Which is fine. But any reasonable person would have ended it instead of this kind of behavior. I asked for that 2 day break and I gave her a ton of reassurance. And I called exactly two days after.

I really do feel like there is someone else. I suspected this a month ago.

I'm going to leave it until Monday then take her off all social media and go nc.

Not sure wether to text and say I'm done or not. Not sure there's even any point at this stage.

I do appreciate your help. It's kept me sane. But even with how iv acted the last few months she just had to sit down and tell me she wasn't happy.

It sounds like all she was worried about was keeping me in her life as a friend.

Moving forward now for myself

[Sunkissedpatio]

Fair enough, totally respect your decision!

[PegNosePete]

she replied all apologizing and saying we should definitely talk. And then when i said i understand, its ok, and gave her a time. She didn't even reply.

No reply is a reply. It is a negative one. Her lack of reply speaks volumes, it says she doesn't want to talk to you.

[Slimtripper]

Fair enough, totally respect your decision!

 

Ok well it's 100% finished now.

I text her saying I'm taking that as an answer and moving on.

She text back n we briefly chatted. She said that everything I said was what she had wanted to hear for so long but it was too late.

That nothing had happened with anyone but she had so much time alone believing that I wasn't going to give her what she wants that she reflected on all that and it was too late.

It's annoying because the last trip I was taking her back to meet my parents, -"" that kind of stuff but it didn't work out because of visas.

But anyway. She then gave me the worst line ever about needing me time and I'm pretty much done with that situation now.

 

I should have just stuck to being firm on the time thing. I could have kept waiting another week while she knew what was going to happen and didn't tell me.

Think I'm going to book a holiday and go get some sun!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh man I'm really sorry to hear she said no!

That's crappy that she wasn't responding knowing that it was no.

 

I'm really sorry it didn't work out. At least you won't be kicking yourself now wondering if you could have said more. You did what you could even if it was too late now.

 

I hope you meet the girl that is right for you sooner than later. Stay strong.

[PegNosePete]

Think I'm going to book a holiday and go get some sun!

Yes! Do it

 

Do something amazing that you've always wanted to do your whole life, but never would have been able to in the relationship. I hiked to Everest Base Camp and learned to ski!

 

It might seem shallow but it's actually a great way to get back to your own identity rather than being half of a couple.

[dangerous]

Sorry to hear, but good call to close it.

I just knew there would be trauma in the background. This situation/behaviour is very similar to what happened to me and when you've lived it, you can see it clear as day - looking back!

 

I wasted 3 months trying to win her back, but the bottom line is she is damaged emotionally and she needs a lot of time, and space to get over her past (and trust issues) if she ever will.

Its no consolation now, and I'm still battling, but this is the right thing for you to get out. And yes, trea yourself to a holiday, and meet new people/women asap.

[Slimtripper]

Yes! Do it

 

Do something amazing that you've always wanted to do your whole life, but never would have been able to in the relationship. I hiked to Everest Base Camp and learned to ski!

 

It might seem shallow but it's actually a great way to get back to your own identity rather than being half of a couple.

 

Yup! I can comfortably take a few months to go explore, see different friends in places ive not been for a while, and that's definitely the easiest way to get my mind off things.

Ive done break ups before. I know what they are. Its a false mind set thrust upon you that you have to constantly fight even though your brain just longs for that other person, because they are gone.

Need to fill it with new memories as quickly as possible.

And one thing about putting my career before that last relationship lol, is that i now have a ton of saved money and time. And im gonna use it!

Blocked on all social media. No Contact from here.

She told me it was really horrible that I wouldn't stay in touch lol. I said u don't get the right to just dump me and keep me around.

My time now! Ive had a month to get used to all this. See how she feels a few weeks down the line when it sinks in that i've completely gone.

Not that i care. Its about me from here.

 

Thanks for your help SKP. You def helped me say what i wanted to say.

It was time to cut if off though.

Brazilian babes here i come!!!

[fromheart]

Sorry this has happened.

 

A few of us advised to walk away, thats because we've been through this and know that it can never, ever work if you allow yourself to be in the position of waiting by the phone.

The polarity of the relationship is destroyed, you are now an option and not a priority. Wanting to talk and work things out as the kind lady on this thread suggested, are noble things. But they are also feminine things and what is needed to restore lost polarity, is masculinity. Walk away from terms and conditions that do not suit you, and work on yourself.

 

If a girl is stepping back, the absolute best thing is to completely move on and apply self work. Thats the only way to improve things between you and her, and the quickest way to recovering, learning what you have to learn, and making yourself even better for the next woman who walks into your life.

[Slimtripper]

Sorry this has happened.

 

A few of us advised to walk away, thats because we've been through this and know that it can never, ever work if you allow yourself to be in the position of waiting by the phone.

The polarity of the relationship is destroyed, you are now an option and not a priority. Wanting to talk and work things out as the kind lady on this thread suggested, are noble things. But they are also feminine things and what is needed to restore lost polarity, is masculinity. Walk away from terms and conditions that do not suit you, and work on yourself.

 

If a girl is stepping back, the absolute best thing is to completely move on and apply self work. Thats the only way to improve things between you and her, and the quickest way to recovering, learning what you have to learn, and making yourself even better for the next woman who walks into your life.

 

I couldn't really just walk out as soon as she said she wanted space. I had to give it a week. Most of the time, especially with her peoples minds change with a bit of time. Im actually really surprised she didn't. But I didn't know how bad it was.

I think getting out now I actually broke things off. I was patient enough to show i cared but stood my ground. Looking back i would probably have done the same thing.

[BikerAccnt]

Just curious, did your final conversation take place all on text?

 

I'm older than you most likely, and I am finding it hard to understand how everything takes place on text these days. I also find myself in a situation similar to yours and find I may need to end things via text due to a lack of response to other methods.

 

Anyway, sorry things turned out as they did for you. The waiting is the worst I'm in limbo hell myself and don't intend to let it go on past this weekend.

[Slimtripper]

Just curious, did your final conversation take place all on text?

 

I'm older than you most likely, and I am finding it hard to understand how everything takes place on text these days. I also find myself in a situation similar to yours and find I may need to end things via text due to a lack of response to other methods.

 

Anyway, sorry things turned out as they did for you. The waiting is the worst I'm in limbo hell myself and don't intend to let it go on past this weekend.

 

It did end via text, but I don't think there was anything else to say at that point. It was easier really because we could both spell out exactly what the reasons were. She told me her reasons in black and white. There wouldn't have been any point in me being on the phone trying to persuade her against it, it was done.

 

I really wouldn't waste any time in limbo waiting on them. I knew that this was over. I felt there may be a 1% change it wouldn't be and if i gave her time and showed how patient i was then she may come around.

 

But the more gracious i was, the less she gave. Cutting it off is the best thing to do. Now she can finally deal with it being over, like i have had to for two weeks now.

[BikerAccnt]

I didn't mean to suggest that you or I should be on the phone trying to persuade them against it the breakup.

 

I guess to me, it just seems a cold way to end a relationship, especially if for the majority of the relationship, it was good.Though, it certainly is better than the fade/ghosting we are both experiencing.

 

I come from a time before cell phones - you know, caveman like - where when you broke up with someone you called them and met them face to face, or, at least spoke on the phone. Sure it's more painful that way, but, it seems more real to me.

[Slimtripper]

I didn't mean to suggest that you or I should be on the phone trying to persuade them against it the breakup.

 

I guess to me, it just seems a cold way to end a relationship, especially if for the majority of the relationship, it was good.Though, it certainly is better than the fade/ghosting we are both experiencing.

 

I come from a time before cell phones - you know, caveman like - where when you broke up with someone you called them and met them face to face, or, at least spoke on the phone. Sure it's more painful that way, but, it seems more real to me.

 

However you spin it, the end result is the same. If i was you and i was waiting around again, i would just tell them flat out that im not waiting any more.

Its 99.9% chance its over. They are just working out how to break it off and starting to get over it. Sooner it finished sooner u can move on

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sorry this has happened.

 

A few of us advised to walk away, thats because we've been through this and know that it can never, ever work if you allow yourself to be in the position of waiting by the phone.

The polarity of the relationship is destroyed, you are now an option and not a priority. Wanting to talk and work things out as the kind lady on this thread suggested, are noble things. But they are also feminine things and what is needed to restore lost polarity, is masculinity. Walk away from terms and conditions that do not suit you, and work on yourself.

 

If a girl is stepping back, the absolute best thing is to completely move on and apply self work. Thats the only way to improve things between you and her, and the quickest way to recovering, learning what you have to learn, and making yourself even better for the next woman who walks into your life.

 

Agree with this if the situation were different.

 

What I advised him to do wasn't a "kind lady act" it was actually a grown man act which is to reflect on what pushed her away and give her time to think about if there is a possibility to do things right.

 

It was too little too late but I've seen people turn relationships around in the 11th hour and succeed so why not give it a shot?

 

Everything he stated in this threads points to things he did to neglect and destroy the connection between them. The only thing she seems to have done wrong is chase him when she should have had more self-respect and be done with this sooner.

 

He pushed her away, he ignored her for weeks on end, heck he even dumped her months back and told her "look we are living in different counties now, so nothing we can do about the relationship right now. We'll have to put that on hold, go on live your life and focus on you" because she asked him where this relationship was going.

 

I'm not surprised she grew some lady balls and said enough is enough to all that! I am surprised it took her this long to do so and because it was taking her long to decide and she was clearly on the fence about walking away, one last ditch effort if he truly wanted to be with her, and realized the errors in his ways, was not a lost cause in this case. I truly believe that, regardless of the outcome. And I think Slim believed that too otherwise he wouldn't have gone through with giving her more time to think about what he proposed.

 

It could have gone either way. I'm sad it didn't work out for them.

[Slimtripper]

Agree with this if the situation were different.

 

What I advised him to do wasn't a "kind lady act" it was actually a grown man act which is to reflect on what pushed her away and give her time to think about if there is a possibility to do things right.

 

It was too little too late but I've seen people turn relationships around in the 11th hour and succeed so why not give it a shot?

 

Everything he stated in this threads points to things he did to neglect and destroy the connection between them. The only thing she seems to have done wrong is chase him when she should have had more self-respect and be done with this sooner.

 

He pushed her away, he ignored her for weeks on end, heck he even dumped her months back and told her "look we are living in different counties now, so nothing we can do about the relationship right now. We'll have to put that on hold, go on live your life and focus on you" because she asked him where this relationship was going.

 

I'm not surprised she grew some lady balls and said enough is enough to all that! I am surprised it took her this long to do so and because it was taking her long to decide and she was clearly on the fence about walking away, one last ditch effort if he truly wanted to be with her, and realized the errors in his ways, was not a lost cause in this case. I truly believe that, regardless of the outcome. And I think Slim believed that too otherwise he wouldn't have gone through with giving her more time to think about what he proposed.

 

It could have gone either way. I'm sad it didn't work out for them.

 

I definitely didn't dump her. I actually made a plan for us to be together in another country and did say that i wanted to make a plan. I wasn't massively forward with that ill admit. I took a few days and was kind of pushed into it.

I travel a lot. And i worked a way out for her to make a living, really not doing much and following her passion. But she had to really work on it for a bit.

Every day she was upset I wasn't there and i was pushing a rock up a hill trying to tell her not to lose faith, carry on with what she was doing.

It was actually pretty exhausting for me. And we definitely did drift apart. I wasn't there for her. But then she wasn't in a good head space.

The stuff that happened to her traveling scarred her n she was crying to sleep every night. But i literally learned all this like 4 weeks ago after this all went wrong.

But she did ask me at that point where I saw it heading. I said that i want to be with her but it isn't possible in this moment so keep going with what you're doing.

And I guess right there is where the switch turned off.

 

Its all good. She has to deal with it actually being over now so who knows.

Im definitely not waiting around. I feel we ended it well and I wasn't rude or anything. She is mad I didn't give her what she wanted by being friends but that's such a selfish thing from her part.

 

Anyway, im really trying to move on so that's my focus at the moment. Maybe well be friends in a years time. Im sure i wont have feelings left in 3-6 months so i just want to keep busy until then.

 

SKP you def helped me keep my emotions in check. As the weeks go past she will remember the effort i made and wont have anything to be mad with me about. And that's def annoying for an ex!