A week giving her "space." Had enough

November 23, 2016

I have a feeling this is going end badly. Hopefully I'm wrong.

November 23, 2016

C'mon guys to be fair, she can't exactly just accept him back because he is offering her what she has been wanting all along otherwise it makes it all pointless. We don't know what he proposed and why she needs time to think about it,

My ex had this horrible habit of breaking up with me when we'd have bad fights in our first year together. He did it once, then he did it again and every time he'd come crawling back a day or two later going "I'm so sorry I don't want to break up it's my fight or flight reflex I won't do it again please believe me."

I told him if it happens again I will take you up on it. I will not have a relationship with you that is based on a break-up every time you don't get your way or we have an altercation. And of course a few months down the line sure enough, some stupid fight that turned into him telling me he was done again. So as promised, I took him up on it. We had discussed this many times, he made promises, it was a terrible way to communicate our differences to throw away the relationship because we disagreed on something.

So when he came back wanting to work though things it took everything out of me (I still loved him very much but this was a real problem for me) and I told him no, we are done now I have to believe this is what you want. My trust is broken. I told him I have to accept that if you can't stop then breaking up is what you ultimately want so let's do it. He begged and pleaded and never gave up. This went on for a month and half with emails and texts and phone calls promising to do what it takes to fix it. As much as I wanted to believe him I had to stand my ground, nothing else worked.

We finally met up and talked things through and decided to give it one more go. Months after that he we had a fight and he did not end the relationship. Instead he took a few days and we were sorting things through. I have no problem with taking space to cool off, just no more break-ups. And that was the last time he did that.

Sometimes you have to stand your ground and it is not about meeting someone else but wanting to be heard and wanting actions to sink in with the other person.

Can't say the same for him. When he did break up, years later, moved out and was making me believe we were working thought things but asked for space he actually had met someone else (likely with her for months already) and went with her.

November 23, 2016

C'mon guys to be fair, she can't exactly just accept him back because he is offering her what she has been wanting all along otherwise it makes it all pointless. We don't know what he proposed and why she needs time to think about it,

She either wants to be with him or she doesn't. Making him wait is pointless and petty.

It's not like he was neglecting her to go out and party. He was busy with work. Maybe instead of crucifying him for it, she should've been more supportive. But no, when the going got tough because her boyfriend had a lot on his plate at work, her reaction was to say that she needed a one-week break. And then when he kissed her ass and tried to make amends, she decided to take another few days. This poor guy really needs to be punished for his busy work schedule, huh?

OP, here's the scoop - there's another guy in the picture. She's taking him for a test run and wants you around as a backup plan. That's why she got mad when you gave her an ultimatum, because you weren't cooperating with what she wanted. Why was she so much happier on this call? Because you're being understanding, telling her to take all the time she needs, so she gets to go enjoy her break.

Stop wasting your time on her and start dating again.

Edited November 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

November 23, 2016

"She was definitely smiling and said she had waited a long time for me to say that."

That's it? Did she say she wanted to work things out? Did she tell you she still loves you? Did she give you anything other than the validation she wanted?

You leave the fate of your career and livelihood in the palm of her hands and she still needs more time?!?!? Oh yeah, she is totally going to break up with you, at the very least she has other options that she's exploring. C'mon dude, she had a whole week to "think it over". I guess deciding someone's fate when you're not really into them IS a big decision.

I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling she's not 100% on board.

It's a couple of days, and I suggested it. I was in the same headspace as u were but sunkissed patio has been 100% right on everything so far. This was her call so I'm going with it. I said I wouldn't wait a week again and take a few days.

If it doesn't work it's not the end of the world, but this was definitely the best way of handling it

November 23, 2016

I hope she does call and gives you some closure either way to this.

Remember patience, don't call or text her. The ball is in her court and she knows how you feel, so if you don't hear by tomorrow or Friday or the weekend you still need to leave it alone and start moving on. No more initiating by you.

Edited November 23, 2016 by dumbass2

November 23, 2016

Your being played. You either want to be with someone or you don't.

It isn't complicated like your situation is becoming.

You have bent over backwards and have let her dictate EVERYTHING.

She's got you waiting for what she decides and that's bs.

And by not standing up for yourself she now knows she can do what she wants.

November 23, 2016

Actually it IS complicated and every single relationship cones with it's own set of dynamics and complexity. Wanting to be with someone and having your head tell you otherwise are two different things.

There is absolutely no value in transferring our own jaded and miserable views based on our own experiences into this person's situation because we were played. A lot of people don't get played and until all the cards are laid on the table we can only speculate.

We have no clue what she is feeling other than what the OP has stated for fact.

And this notion that she should have supported him while he was working. Are you kidding me? People break up with others who don't even live in different countries they live in same cities and can't make time for their significant others or don't don't bother to text or call or show consistency. There's being busy with work and then there's neglect, which the OP clearly said this is the case.

Who'd stick around for that? If you would you are s bigger chump than the next guy.

November 24, 2016

There is absolutely no value in transferring our own jaded and miserable views based on our own experiences into this person's situation because we were played. A lot of people don't get played and until all the cards are laid on the table we can only speculate.

I've been in a situation where I gave my partner all the power and didn't set clear boundaries. My partner might have had valid reasons for being upset, so in turn, I justified handing over all the power to her. Doing so set a standard that anytime a problem would arise, the only way I could get out of it was to bend over backward and surrender my will over. Eventually, when I did set boundaries, it caused more problems because my partner was used to me just being a doormat and getting her way all the time.

I'm not saying that OP shouldn't have treated his GF differently, but I do believe he needed to state clear boundaries to her. In my experience, most women don't respect men who are weak pushovers. They like to be challenged. Just my opinion, though.

November 24, 2016

I would bet real world money that there is another guy in the picture here.

Yep... I agree with PNP

November 24, 2016

I've been in a situation where I gave my partner all the power and didn't set clear boundaries. My partner might have had valid reasons for being upset, so in turn, I justified handing over all the power to her. Doing so set a standard that anytime a problem would arise, the only way I could get out of it was to bend over backward and surrender my will over. Eventually, when I did set boundaries, it caused more problems because my partner was used to me just being a doormat and getting her way all the time.

I'm not saying that OP shouldn't have treated his GF differently, but I do believe he needed to state clear boundaries to her. In my experience, most women don't respect men who are weak pushovers. They like to be challenged. Just my opinion, though.

Thanks sun kissed patio, i was starting to take this stuff on board.

I get your comment here FS but i am in no way a doormat. I've never given her anything at all emotionally. Its constantly been her chasing the relationship for close to 5 months now and me not even being able so say the L word sometimes. Or giving any actual emotional affection, just talk about work and whatever else. Avoiding her calls. Not speaking for week long periods. Never telling her i missed her for 3 months. She can't leave where she is at the moment to come see me, it isn't possible.

If i go heavy handed now its just going to show that i am selfish and just want to make this work now because she's gone.

Before i told her i had a plan she said she wanted to keep things open and doesn't want to lose me so wants to stay friends and hopefully we can get together in the future if we are in the same place. I of course said no. If we are done, you lose me.

I said take some time. She later said she wanted some time. I said im not having another week like last time. She said yea, just a couple of days that's it.

I don't think i have anything to lose here being patient. There isn't any less respect between us. Its been a day now. Ill have to work out where to go if it goes 3 or 4 days and that will be the point where i say she needs to make a decision. And then its finished either way.

Like i said, im going with what SKP said, she has been right so far. And there is nothing to lose by keeping your cool.

November 24, 2016

There's a huge difference between being a door mat and being able to recognize where you've gone wrong and making changes for the good of the relationship.

Grown up relationships are about growing up as you learn about yourself and how you give in the relationship.

I stand by my advise - if she's playing him that'll be really sad but there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting where he went wrong and fixing that. If anything this will be a learning experience to set priorities and not allow things to get away from you because people can only tolerate so much. He will be the much bigger person in the end and that's showing self-confidence not petty arrogance and power struggling.

November 24, 2016

In order for it to be "fixed" there needs to be 2 people in the relationship, she seems to have checked out, she is playing the field as he waits...

He can't fix anything if she won't engage with him and talk about it and ultimately try to fix it. Her saying more time.. WTF is that..that is her rejecting him.

I think he should stop thinking they are together, they have broken up and she just hasn't cut the ties yet because she knows he is going to have a tough time with it and she is keeping her guilt in check by stringing him along.

November 24, 2016

I can't tell if she just wants space. It's totally possible, so I would not text her or anything if her last text doesn't call for a response.

November 24, 2016

There's a huge difference between being a door mat and being able to recognize where you've gone wrong and making changes for the good of the relationship.

Grown up relationships are about growing up as you learn about yourself and how you give in the relationship.

I stand by my advise - if she's playing him that'll be really sad but there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting where he went wrong and fixing that. If anything this will be a learning experience to set priorities and not allow things to get away from you because people can only tolerate so much. He will be the much bigger person in the end and that's showing self-confidence not petty arrogance and power struggling.

What do I do if I don't hear after a few days? I feel like I'll have my answer then anyway.

November 24, 2016

Before i told her i had a plan she said she wanted to keep things open and doesn't want to lose me so wants to stay friends and hopefully we can get together in the future if we are in the same place. I of course said no. If we are done, you lose me.

So she basically told you "let's be friends." Yeah, that's always a good sign.

Just look at what you said in the title of this thread. "Had enough." That was after five days. You were all full of piss and vinegar wanting answers, and then after her week is up you change your mind and tell her to take more time. You're being a doormat here. She's dictating everything and loving every second of it.

You should start dating and getting laid. She's the one who said she wanted a break, and she's sure as hell not using this time to meditate. If you're going to go through a break you might as well take advantage.

November 24, 2016

So she basically told you "let's be friends." Yeah, that's always a good sign.

Just look at what you said in the title of this thread. "Had enough." That was after five days. You were all full of piss and vinegar wanting answers, and then after her week is up you change your mind and tell her to take more time. You're being a doormat here. She's dictating everything and loving every second of it.

You should start dating and getting laid. She's the one who said she wanted a break, and she's sure as hell not using this time to meditate. If you're going to go through a break you might as well take advantage.

Do you think I have any issue with telling her I'm done? I don't. This isn't an argument born from a power struggle. She has always been patient but iv pushed this so far with not being available that she clearly doesn't know if I'm going to be there for her long term. I don't think it's something u can just jump into over night.

If it's over, I'm ok. But it needed some space. There's nothing wrong with giving space. It would be much easier to just give an ultimatum but from what I'm being told that wasn't the route to go. And so far that has worked out.

I said yesterday that I'll move countries to do this properly. She said she'll be guilty of it doesn't work out. I told her to take a few days no more.

Being bull headed isn't going to help here I'm telling u. Iv done that before and even if it does work, the same problems resurface.

And it wasn't a break. She said she wanted time to think.

It is going on too long now, but in a day or so, that will be the end of it

Edited November 24, 2016 by Slimtripper

November 24, 2016

If you don't have any issue with telling her you're done, then what is the point of sticking with it? Shouldn't you either be looking forward to or dreading that you have to tell her that? Seriously, if that's how you feel, what are you waiting for?

Don't they have any women in your country?

November 24, 2016

What do I do if I don't hear after a few days? I feel like I'll have my answer then anyway.

It's a big decision to be faced with letting a person you are with give up their job and move countries for you. Are you certain that's what you want and it won't feel like a huge sacrifice to you? Two days is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

If it's what you want tell her in a few days that your plan still stands and that you need to at least discuss things otherwise you are to assume she doesn't think the plan is worth it.

November 24, 2016

Think about what? I agree with what everyone said here. Someone who wants to be with you will be clear about it.

November 24, 2016

She's done.

She's waiting to see if the new guy reciprocates her feelings before she pulls the plug for good.

This isn't a big mystery - it's quite obvious what's happening. Sorry you're going through this, OP.

November 24, 2016

Same thing happened to me and everyone told me there was someone else and that was the case.

November 24, 2016

She didn't ask for extra time, he offered her time to think about it.

Think about him moving back to be with her and give up his job in another country. It's not an easy thing to decide, she has reservations he would be giving up a lot for her. Anyone in their right mind would have reservations it's not an easy decision to make.

It's not the kind of thing to decide on the spot considering this was never discussed prior to two days ago.

Edited November 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

November 24, 2016

I didnt listen to the people here when they told me to ignore him and not give him a second chance. I made excuses for him when looking back now all the signs were there, I just chose to ignore them because I wanted to be with him.

I get you're afraid of losing her and feeling like crap. We've all been there, but atleast get out of this with your self respect.

November 24, 2016

I said yesterday that I'll move countries to do this properly. She said she'll be guilty of it doesn't work out. I told her to take a few days no more.

To quit your job and move to someone who is being majorly indecisive is really not a good idea.

She's already using the words, 'If it doesn't work out.'

November 24, 2016

It's my morning her night time now. it's been 36 hours. Tonight it will be her morning and I need to text her to draw a line under this.

I really just want to say that I want an answer today. she's had two days now. You want to be with someone or you don't. I've given my proposal, it's a yes or a no.

Edited November 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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