A week giving her "space." Had enough

[Slimtripper]

Have I blown it with that last text I sent? I got so worn out but it all today that I just wanted in or out.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well this certainly paints a much more robust picture of your overall dynamic and relationship. Thank you for providing such detail.

 

It does sound like your needs are somewhat different and that is rooted back to how you were conditioned growing up. It seems like maybe you are not an ideal match in that she needs someone who is physically and verbally demonstrative and your way of expressing affection and love is different and you need perhaps a less to feel secure. I'm not sure that can change when that is who you both are and what you both need to feel satisfied and safe in the relationship.

 

It does sound like she is struggling to reconcile how you are vs what she needs from a partner. It doesn't sound like she doesn't love and it doesn't sound like she ultimately wants to break up. But it does sound like she is weighing out whether this can work for the long-haul.

 

You need to figure it out if you have comfortably given all that you can give before you proceed. By that I mean, if you do come back to her with a plan of action make sure it is something you feel confident and comfortable enough that you can deliver it. If it is something that in theory it looks attainable but you know will ultimately feel very unnatural and unsustainable, given your character and your own make-up and your work circumstances, then maybe this isn't a good match for you.

 

Sometimes we give our all and that is all we can give, and it may very well be the most you have ever given because you truly care for and love this woman but that still wasn't enough to meet her needs.

[Frozensushi]

IMO, you should have been treating this as a LDR. I was in one and before I could move out to be with her we were on skype daily, texted throughout the day, sent her pictures or videos to make her laugh. I mean if you love someone and you can't be there physically and you are making no attempts to keep the flame alive, of course, her interest level is going to plummet. It's simple math.

 

I will give you some advice: The courtship never ends. Now, I'm not talking about smothering a woman. I'm just saying you gotta keep the romance alive and healthy. You have to show her she's always on your mind. I was able to achieve so much in my LDR, by the time I got to see my GF she pretty much pounced on me.

 

I dunno man. Seems like you weren't even doing the minimum. I'm surprised she lasted this long. You failed to make her feel loved and coveted. She probably feels like you don't appreciate her sacrifice, which is to go so long without a warm body to sleep next to every night. Your lack of motivation most likely made her feel insecure, therefore she started losing her attraction towards you.

[Slimtripper]

Well this certainly paints a much more robust picture of your overall dynamic and relationship. Thank you for providing such detail.

 

It does sound like your needs are somewhat different and that is rooted back to how you were conditioned growing up. It seems like maybe you are not an ideal match in that she needs someone who is physically and verbally demonstrative and your way of expressing affection and love is different and you need perhaps a less to feel secure. I'm not sure that can change when that is who you both are and what you both need to feel satisfied and safe in the relationship.

 

It does sound like she is struggling to reconcile how you are vs what she needs from a partner. It doesn't sound like she doesn't love and it doesn't sound like she ultimately wants to break up. But it does sound like she is weighing out whether this can work for the long-haul.

 

You need to figure it out if you have comfortably given all that you can give before you proceed. By that I mean, if you do come back to her with a plan of action make sure it is something you feel confident and comfortable enough that you can deliver it. If it is something that in theory it looks attainable but you know will ultimately feel very unnatural and unsustainable, given your character and your own make-up and your work circumstances, then maybe this isn't a good match for you.

 

Sometimes we give our all and that is all we can give, and it may very well be the most you have ever given because you truly care for and love this woman but that still wasn't enough to meet her needs.

 

So some news! I just got a text back. Please help me get this right as you'be been amazing up to now.

So she text me back this.

"Im so sorry. I've just been going over it in my head and I'm so torn.

It's not fair on you though and you shouldn't be in limbo.

We should definitely talk though. I have tomorrow off so just let me know"

 

OK so this is my plan. I know this is a gamble.....But I just don't think I can convince her over Skype. We haven't seen each other for 5 months. I know I can sort this out if we do it in person, I KNOW I can.

The only problem is that I know she has family stuff on the weekend so it will be 6 days before I can get to her. It's also nearly two days travel time including airports and cars.

I'll text her tomorrow and say that I understand what I've done. I understand that she is unsure because of how ice been acting and I don't want to rush into making her talk about this as I can see you need your space. I know you have your family stuff over the weekend so you take some time for yourself, go and do that and we can talk properly on Monday. Don't worry about me, please take your time and get your head right.

 

And then I'm just going to go over there so I'm there when we do talk.

I really think that it's such a huge mission to go over. I have to leave my work out of this, everything that she thinks is in the way I'm going to drop to go be with her.

 

Will that work? I feel like if we do talk and I get a No, the it's too late to go over. But right now, it isn't and I have a chance at getting this right.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I don't know if it will work but the most important thing is to let her know what you are thinking. The key to your current communication is that she is telling you she is "torn" HUGE clue to where her head is at. Translation: I could be be convinced with the right gestures and words from your part.

 

Being torn means she doesn't want to breakup but knows she has to.

 

I wouldn't just show up I would tell her straight up what you are thinking tomorrow and then tell her that you are ready to come and have this discussion in person. Let her in. Let her see what you are thinking. Let her see that you mean what you say but more importantly she needs to trust this isn't just a knee jerk reaction. Be vulnerable to her. She needs to see that in order to trust that this can work and that you are not just being reactive.

 

You are going to lose her either way. Don't worry about saving face now in the last moment. I believe in fighting til the end. But that is just my personal philosophy.

 

But above all be sure of that you can deliver what you are about to discuss with her or promise her. Don't pursue it if you don't think you can stick to your end of the plan.

 

I have to go. Check in later. Good luck!

[PegNosePete]

"Im so sorry. I've just been going over it in my head and I'm so torn.

It's not fair on you though and you shouldn't be in limbo.

We should definitely talk though. I have tomorrow off so just let me know"

There is definitely another guy in the picture.

 

Whether she will admit that to you or not, is another matter.

[fromheart]

My gf out of the blue said she wanted space a week ago. She sounded like she wanted to break out off but couldn't. She is very patient normally but I think I was just too busy with work for a long time and wasn't a great boyfriend.

 

After the first day she text me saying she hopes I'm good and apologies for not calling yet. I text back saying that's fine, no rush.

She text back the day after saying she was ok and just been busy. I didn't text back as was nothing to text back about and she said she wanted space!

 

That was 5 days ago now and it's been a full week. I know her and she always does stick by her word and is good at communicating, however bad things get.

This is the first time it's been this long.

 

I'm actually at the end of my patience with it and want to move on if that is what is happening, but I don't want to push her away if I don't need to.

 

Either she still needs time or she is just postponing breaking it off with me, which I feel like is the case.

It is my turn to text. Should I just text tomorrow and lay it out there that we need to sort this so I can move on if needs be, or continue not having any communication in some strange limbo.

Or just text and saying, hey, just checking in, hope things are good.

 

Going out of my mind at the moment

 

 

First off I'll say, perhaps you weren't giving her the attention she wanted but what she's doing now is emotionally brutal. From what you've said, you've never done this to her.

 

A couple of seconds is enough for a person to decide if they want someone and want to be with them. In a similar situation, I have given a woman a night to think about it. Nowadays, I'll give a couple of hours and then declare myself single. Thats still 1 hour 59.8 minutes longer than it should be. But I still have stuff to work on.

 

That may sound harsh, but put it this way. A relationship in many ways is an interview to see if the couple can be together for life, and start a family. If I were to have children and a job, I would not have the time to deal with a partner who needs time to decide whether or not she wants to be with me. I like to sort out relationship issues with adult communication.

 

One night in limbo, is a very uncomfortable night which will get in the way of work performance and parenting.

 

What we tolerate we get, and when you allow someone in your life who's coping mechanism is to declare a time out, this becomes a habit of theirs very quickly.

 

I'd really recommend to give her the gift of missing you at this point. You have been very gracious with the time you have given her. Now the best thing to do, is to completely walk away. She can contact you if she changes her mind but I'd recommend moving on completely and in every way.

[Slimtripper]

I don't know if it will work but the most important thing is to let her know what you are thinking. The key to your current communication is that she is telling you she is "torn" HUGE clue to where her head is at. Translation: I could be be convinced with the right gestures and words from your part.

 

Being torn means she doesn't want to breakup but knows she has to.

 

I wouldn't just show up I would tell her straight up what you are thinking tomorrow and then tell her that you are ready to come and have this discussion in person. Let her in. Let her see what you are thinking. Let her see that you mean what you say but more importantly she needs to trust this isn't just a knee jerk reaction. Be vulnerable to her. She needs to see that in order to trust that this can work and that you are not just being reactive.

 

You are going to lose her either way. Don't worry about saving face now in the last moment. I believe in fighting til the end. But that is just my personal philosophy.

 

But above all be sure of that you can deliver what you are about to discuss with her or promise her. Don't pursue it if you don't think you can stick to your end of the plan.

 

I have to go. Check in later. Good luck!

 

Thanks! So I don't think going over there is the right thing to do. Like you said it's reactive. It may work but then I'm forcing her hand.

I'm going to go with what you said above. I've taken time to see from her point of view, evaluate wether I can deliver on what I am saying and then offer an option to make this work properly. Do I need to give an ultimatum?

From what the person above said which I agree with, it's not healthy to keep going with the space thing. I'm taking your point here that space isn't going to help solve this after that being what the problem was in the first place.

I also need to ask her if there is someone else. For me, I won't be interested anymore if there is or was, or that's what she is deciding about.

That will be it.

[JasonBourne]

I can't believe that after a year of dating it has all come down to sending text messages back and forth, or not as the case may be.

Whatever happened to face to face communication?

 

That seems to be how things go. My ex girlfriend and I were together for two years and she broke up with me via text.

[PegNosePete]

I also need to ask her if there is someone else.

Do you really think she'll give you an honest answer to that?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thanks! So I don't think going over there is the right thing to do. Like you said it's reactive. It may work but then I'm forcing her hand.

I'm going to go with what you said above. I've taken time to see from her point of view, evaluate wether I can deliver on what I am saying and then offer an option to make this work properly. Do I need to give an ultimatum?

From what the person above said which I agree with, it's not healthy to keep going with the space thing. I'm taking your point here that space isn't going to help solve this after that being what the problem was in the first place.

I also need to ask her if there is someone else. For me, I won't be interested anymore if there is or was, or that's what she is deciding about.

That will be it.

 

Ok, I see you've given it a lot of thought. NO! Don't give her and ultimatum, remember this isn't about what you want, it's about what she wants at this point. She is wanting out because of something you did perceived or real, it seems you both agree that the issue was that you could have been more dedicated to the relationship so giving her an ultimatum is letting her know you want to do it on your terms and it will make your offer/plan for changes seem insincere. Like you are just doing it to win her back and then it's back to the regularly scheduled program.

 

On the other hand don't tell her "take all the time you need" either. Make it known that these are the things you are prepared to do going forward (x,y,z) and that she doesn't have to let you know right this second but that you want to work on it and would like an answer when she has had time to reflect on your proposal.

 

Then you set a time limit for yourself (a week, three days?) whatever you feel is the time you want to wait. If you don't hear from her by that time then you can either send her a note saying "I'm taking the no answer as a no then" or you can just decide to quietly move on.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to keep you hanging by the last message you exchanged with her so perhaps she will have something for your when you talk today.

 

I really hope it works out for you. Good luck!!

[Slimtripper]

Ok, I see you've given it a lot of thought. NO! Don't give her and ultimatum, remember this isn't about what you want, it's about what she wants at this point. She is wanting out because of something you did perceived or real, it seems you both agree that the issue was that you could have been more dedicated to the relationship so giving her an ultimatum is letting her know you want to do it on your terms and it will make your offer/plan for changes seem insincere. Like you are just doing it to win her back and then it's back to the regularly scheduled program.

 

On the other hand don't tell her "take all the time you need" either. Make it known that these are the things you are prepared to do going forward (x,y,z) and that she doesn't have to let you know right this second but that you want to work on it and would like an answer when she has had time to reflect on your proposal.

 

Then you set a time limit for yourself (a week, three days?) whatever you feel is the time you want to wait. If you don't hear from her by that time then you can either send her a note saying "I'm taking the no answer as a no then" or you can just decide to quietly move on.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to keep you hanging by the last message you exchanged with her so perhaps she will have something for your when you talk today.

 

I really hope it works out for you. Good luck!!

 

 

You're awesome thanks. That's def changed my frame going into this.

I'll let u know what happens

[Been]

Nothing is out of the blue. I too would put money on that their is someone else

If you were having these problems she could have set you down and told you what she wanted not say she needs space.

[Slimtripper]

Ok, I see you've given it a lot of thought. NO! Don't give her and ultimatum, remember this isn't about what you want, it's about what she wants at this point. She is wanting out because of something you did perceived or real, it seems you both agree that the issue was that you could have been more dedicated to the relationship so giving her an ultimatum is letting her know you want to do it on your terms and it will make your offer/plan for changes seem insincere. Like you are just doing it to win her back and then it's back to the regularly scheduled program.

 

On the other hand don't tell her "take all the time you need" either. Make it known that these are the things you are prepared to do going forward (x,y,z) and that she doesn't have to let you know right this second but that you want to work on it and would like an answer when she has had time to reflect on your proposal.

 

Then you set a time limit for yourself (a week, three days?) whatever you feel is the time you want to wait. If you don't hear from her by that time then you can either send her a note saying "I'm taking the no answer as a no then" or you can just decide to quietly move on.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to keep you hanging by the last message you exchanged with her so perhaps she will have something for your when you talk today.

 

I really hope it works out for you. Good luck!!

 

I'm speaking in an hour. The only thing I don't know what to do about is if she was getting close to someone else? I need to know as even if she was just hanging out with someone, that's enough for me not to pursue this long term.

Do I leave the question or ask? I know she doesn't have to tell me the truth anyway, but u can usually gage if someone is lying.

[Frozensushi]

About two weeks before my Ex ended it for good, she 'needed space'. It was an awful two weeks as I had this "gut" feeling the entire time that there was someone else. When she ended it I asked her face to face if she was seeing another man. She adamantly denied it.

 

About two weeks after the breakup I get a text from a friend who saw her at a bar holding some guy close and kissing him. He didn't know we had broken up so he thought she was cheating.

 

Anyway, my "gut" did not misguide me. I think you should trust your gut. Even if you ask, she won't tell you. Sometimes following our instinct can help us see our blurry situation with more clarity.

 

Good luck! I hope it goes well for you.

[spiderowl]

In my experience, needing space was a precursor to a break-up so I am not a fan of people who 'need space'. If ever anyone said that to me again, they would be out of my life in an instant. I don't think it is a good sign.

[Slimtripper]

About two weeks before my Ex ended it for good, she 'needed space'. It was an awful two weeks as I had this "gut" feeling the entire time that there was someone else. When she ended it I asked her face to face if she was seeing another man. She adamantly denied it.

 

About two weeks after the breakup I get a text from a friend who saw her at a bar holding some guy close and kissing him. He didn't know we had broken up so he thought she was cheating.

 

Anyway, my "gut" did not misguide me. I think you should trust your gut. Even if you ask, she won't tell you. Sometimes following our instinct can help us see our blurry situation with more clarity.

 

Good luck! I hope it goes well for you.

 

So after telling me we should definitely talk today I text her back yesterday and said the time, she didn't reply.

I just called her at said time and she didn't reply. SO I guess I have my answer.

I'm really really mad now. I don't know how someone can just not talk to you, it's horrible, whatever she thinks I did.

I said on my text "It's ok, I understand. Tomorrow at 11 would be good."

I reckon now iv been nice again her guilt kicks in and she can't speak to me because she knows she'll want to get back together.

 

Should I text her or just leave it?

[Slimtripper]

So after telling me we should definitely talk today I text her back yesterday and said the time, she didn't reply.

I just called her at said time and she didn't reply. SO I guess I have my answer.

I'm really really mad now. I don't know how someone can just not talk to you, it's horrible, whatever she thinks I did.

I said on my text "It's ok, I understand. Tomorrow at 11 would be good."

I reckon now iv been nice again her guilt kicks in and she can't speak to me because she knows she'll want to get back together.

 

Should I text her or just leave it?

 

Ok scratch that. 10 mins later she text and said she'll be free in an hour.

The thing is. Once she didn't pick up and I knew it was over, I finally admitted it was finished and I guess I was ok. Obviously hurt but maybe the relief of all this being over, I don't know. See what happens in an hour. She's def making me work, it's gone midnight here

[LD1990]

It's over. There is probably someone else in the picture, but regardless, she doesn't want to be with you. It's time to block her and move on.

 

EDIT: I posted this before I saw that she texted you back. That doesn't really change the situation or my advice, but I guess you'll know more after the call.

[jstar845]

I admire your patience and strength at this difficult time. I know it’s been tough for you. I’m sure she cares about you. It seems she needs time now as you described. It’s difficult to say that she wants to move on as everyone handles these situations differently. Also, if she wants more time before she contacts you this time can come at an unexpected time. Therefore, it’s not known how much time she needs. Have you thought about having a conversation to try to clear up what she wants this way both of you can know what you want to do?. I hope this helps. I wish you the best.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Good luck tonight Slim! Hope you can work it out and she's receptive. Hopefully there isn't someone else in the picture. If you do your part you won't kick yourself that you didn't try to at least say your peice.

 

And thanks for the updates!

[Slimtripper]

Ok, I see you've given it a lot of thought. NO! Don't give her and ultimatum, remember this isn't about what you want, it's about what she wants at this point. She is wanting out because of something you did perceived or real, it seems you both agree that the issue was that you could have been more dedicated to the relationship so giving her an ultimatum is letting her know you want to do it on your terms and it will make your offer/plan for changes seem insincere. Like you are just doing it to win her back and then it's back to the regularly scheduled program.

 

On the other hand don't tell her "take all the time you need" either. Make it known that these are the things you are prepared to do going forward (x,y,z) and that she doesn't have to let you know right this second but that you want to work on it and would like an answer when she has had time to reflect on your proposal.

 

Then you set a time limit for yourself (a week, three days?) whatever you feel is the time you want to wait. If you don't hear from her by that time then you can either send her a note saying "I'm taking the no answer as a no then" or you can just decide to quietly move on.

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to keep you hanging by the last message you exchanged with her so perhaps she will have something for your when you talk today.

 

I really hope it works out for you. Good luck!!

 

OK so i took your advice on everything and it really worked. I said ive spent a week with it, im looking at it from your point of view and i think this...

That the underlying problem isn't our differences its the distance. We have to have an end goal etc. That i had to work out if i could provide that.

Then we talked and i offered her the solution. She was definitely smiling and said she had waited a long time for me to say that. Was worried i would give evything up for her and it wouldn't work.

I said take some time. She said she just wanted a few days.

 

All in all. From what i learnt here. Patience and non reaction are everything. Even when they aren't acting great, be patient. Even if u aren't getting back together, there is just no point reacting it wont make u any happier.

But then I don't know. The OP who helped me out called this exact, i could have gone way off on a tangent and totally ruined this.

Me spelling out exactly what she was thinking definitely helped. Its like NLP. Once you understand their view point its definitely easier to bring them to your outcome, than when you are arguing from your own perspective.

[LD1990]

So wait a second, you offered her more time and she decided to take another few days? What exactly is the hold up here?

 

Regardless of her demeanor on your call, the fact that she had a week long break and still wants more time doesn't bode well. It sounds like she's exploring other options.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yay!! I am so happy to hear it got you a step closer to sealing the deal. We came a long way , I'm glad I didn't give up on you when we got off on the wrong foot.

 

So if I am understanding this correctly you proposed that perhaps you will give up your job and move back? Is that why she needs more time and is worried you'll be giving it all up for her?

 

Either way, the fact she said she had been waiting for your to say what you said, says you're on the right track.

 

I don't support breaking up to get a point across but sometimes you have to be willing to lose it all in order for it to work. To me it sounded like that is what she was doing. I hope more than anything that is still the case. That's something that you can and should discuss down the road, that communication will have to be an on-going thing and actually hearing each other's needs out so that you can avoid any other attempt at "needing space" that's not a good way to get what you need.

 

It's rare that we read about a happy ending here, so I really hope yours will be that happy ending.

Edited November 23, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Frozensushi]

"She was definitely smiling and said she had waited a long time for me to say that."

 

That's it? Did she say she wanted to work things out? Did she tell you she still loves you? Did she give you anything other than the validation she wanted?

 

You leave the fate of your career and livelihood in the palm of her hands and she still needs more time?!?!? Oh yeah, she is totally going to break up with you, at the very least she has other options that she's exploring. C'mon dude, she had a whole week to "think it over". I guess deciding someone's fate when you're not really into them IS a big decision.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling she's not 100% on board.