A week giving her "space." Had enough

[Slimtripper]

My gf out of the blue said she wanted space a week ago. She sounded like she wanted to break out off but couldn't. She is very patient normally but I think I was just too busy with work for a long time and wasn't a great boyfriend.

 

After the first day she text me saying she hopes I'm good and apologies for not calling yet. I text back saying that's fine, no rush.

She text back the day after saying she was ok and just been busy. I didn't text back as was nothing to text back about and she said she wanted space!

 

That was 5 days ago now and it's been a full week. I know her and she always does stick by her word and is good at communicating, however bad things get.

This is the first time it's been this long.

 

I'm actually at the end of my patience with it and want to move on if that is what is happening, but I don't want to push her away if I don't need to.

 

Either she still needs time or she is just postponing breaking it off with me, which I feel like is the case.

It is my turn to text. Should I just text tomorrow and lay it out there that we need to sort this so I can move on if needs be, or continue not having any communication in some strange limbo.

Or just text and saying, hey, just checking in, hope things are good.

 

Going out of my mind at the moment

[BC1980]

It sounds like she does want to breakup. She's trying to ease out of the relationship instead of flat out telling you she's done. If I were you, I would call her, not text her, and tell her that if she wants space, you are not okay being in limbo. She's either in or out. Don't try to push her or convince her. Just tell her that you can't be in a relationship if she's half in. That if she wants out, that's fine, you are out too. If she says she wants space, is confused, isn't sure, or any variation of that, you are gone.

[Gilburt]

First of all how long have you been seeing each other? I think that's important to know.

 

At any rate I think you could figure out what you want, get your own thoughts together and be prepared for anything.

 

Then get back in touch and simply tell her you're finding it very difficult to hold off communication any longer and you would like to know where she stands or whatnot.

 

That's what I'd do. Or you could ask how much more space she needs. Imo being patient is important. But going out of your mind trying to be patient is too much.

Edited November 21, 2016 by Gilburt

[Frozensushi]

I've always felt that needing "space" was either a precursor to breaking up or used a way of torturing the other person. It's a passive-aggressive way of handling a difficult situation.

 

It does sound like she's trying to break up with you. I would do what BC1980 recommended. You shouldn't have to be stuck in limbo. I've been there many times myself and it's just awful.

[Slimtripper]

I've always felt that needing "space" was either a precursor to breaking up or used a way of torturing the other person. It's a passive-aggressive way of handling a difficult situation.

 

It does sound like she's trying to break up with you. I would do what BC1980 recommended. You shouldn't have to be stuck in limbo. I've been there many times myself and it's just awful.

 

Thanks guys. It's been a week today so I sent this this morning

"Hope the weekend went well. Being patient from my side but I can't just stay in limbo or be half in half out as it's so difficult. If it's over it's ok. If you need more space is ok. But you need to let me know and it would be a good idea to talk either way"

 

Is that ok? We were together a year and it just came from nowhere.

I was absolutely gutted for the first few days. I still am but as time goes on I just can't keep being in this situation. I'd rather just hear it's over than keep on like this.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, that sounds fine. Just be aware that if you don't hear within a day -- or 2 max -- then it means it's over. No response, is a response.

[elaine567]

I can't believe that after a year of dating it has all come down to sending text messages back and forth, or not as the case may be.

Whatever happened to face to face communication?

[Slimtripper]

Thanks X Yea. Like I said, I've had a week to come to terms with it. I knew this was the end. She probably still hasn't got to that point. When she does I will most definitely be moved on.

If I don't hear in a few days I am going to text one last time and say I take it from that response that we are over and I'll be moving on.

That isn't for a response but it needs someone to say it.

 

And then complete no contact. Go on holiday and concentrate on myself.

I feel like I've already been through the worst part and having been in break ups before I know what to do, how to cope. It's not the end of the world. It may feel like it momentarily, but it isn't.

[Slimtripper]

I can't believe that after a year of dating it has all come down to sending text messages back and forth, or not as the case may be.

Whatever happened to face to face communication?

 

She's never been like this. But we talked for an hour. She said she wasn't sure how she felt because I was neglecting her so much with work. I agreed to give her space so obs been avoiding calling and only text once.

 

I feel like we will talk. Unless she has totally changed more than I can imagine. Communication really does break down fast when someone changes and that's when there is really nothing u can do but wait and accept the outcome

[elaine567]

She's never been like this. But we talked for an hour. She said she wasn't sure how she felt because I was neglecting her so much with work. I agreed to give her space so obs been avoiding calling and only text once.

 

I feel like we will talk. Unless she has totally changed more than I can imagine. Communication really does break down fast when someone changes and that's when there is really nothing u can do but wait and accept the outcome

 

If you have been neglecting her and now she wants "space", then giving it to her may just confirm what she thought, ie you are not that into her.

I get the "space" required when someone is too clingy and smothering you, but I guess she is trying to gauge your level of interest here and by staying away even more, you may be ruining this completely.

Of course she may be done all together, but this may be one where giving her what she says she wants and acting cool, may not be in your best interests.

[PegNosePete]

She is blaming you for "neglecting" her, and wants "space".

 

I would bet real world money that there is another guy in the picture here.

[Slimtripper]

I did think that there could be someone else.

Even if I did neglect her, which I was guilty of. There is never an excuse for that.

And yea, I feel that because I didn't text back she's annoyed but she asked for space.

I feel the best I have in a week now. I know it comes in waves but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, not feeling as though everything is my fault and ready to move on

[BC1980]

I did think that there could be someone else.

Even if I did neglect her, which I was guilty of. There is never an excuse for that.

And yea, I feel that because I didn't text back she's annoyed but she asked for space.

I feel the best I have in a week now. I know it comes in waves but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, not feeling as though everything is my fault and ready to move on

 

Even if she feels neglected, wanting space does not bode well. Coming together to talk about problems is how you fix the problem. Asking for space indicates she might have already checked out. If she is playing a game to see if you will bombard her with attention because she checked out, that is not a good way to fix the problem.

[Redhead14]

Even if she feels neglected, wanting space does not bode well. Coming together to talk about problems is how you fix the problem. Asking for space indicates she might have already checked out. If she is playing a game to see if you will bombard her with attention because she checked out, that is not a good way to fix the problem.

 

I would call her and remind her that she asked for space and you are now using the space she's created to re-evaluate things for yourself and so you don't want to keep communicating with meaningless texts and no idea of when the "space" will end. And, then tell her that on Xday, at X time and Xplace you want to meet with her and talk about the situation. Put a time limit on it for resolution.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I did think that there could be someone else.

Even if I did neglect her, which I was guilty of. There is never an excuse for that.

And yea, I feel that because I didn't text back she's annoyed but she asked for space.

I feel the best I have in a week now. I know it comes in waves but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, not feeling as though everything is my fault and ready to move on

 

 

You've been neglecting her full stop.

 

And is it really "out of the blue?" You seem to have known what is causing her to feel like she is and now she's had enough.

 

You seem to be well aware what you did to lead things down this inevitable path. I don't know if she met someone else or not but the fact that you know what you did to ignore her and that she is now asking for space, while you know what caused that, and are doing nothing about it, leads to thinking that you are simply not into her.

 

Sorry but this one is on you.

 

 

Not sure what you are so worried about now? Since you are not willing to fight for her, even though in this situation it is fully your responsibility to do that since you caused things to end with the neglect, then I guess just proceed as you are, letting this die a slow death.

 

Why can't you talk to her and acknowledge what has been happening? Better yet why don't you expedite the whole painful process and just tell her you are done? It is what you want isn't it?

[Slimtripper]

You've been neglecting her full stop.

 

And is it really "out of the blue?" You seem to have known what is causing her to feel like she is and now she's had enough.

 

You seem to be well aware what you did to lead things down this inevitable path. I don't know if she met someone else or not but the fact that you know what you did to ignore her and that she is now asking for space, while you know what caused that, and are doing nothing about it, leads to thinking that you are simply not into her.

 

Sorry but this one is on you.

 

 

Not sure what you are so worried about now? Since you are not willing to fight for her, even though in this situation it is fully your responsibility to do that since you caused things to end with the neglect, then I guess just proceed as you are, letting this die a slow death.

 

Why can't you talk to her and acknowledge what has been happening? Better yet why don't you expedite the whole painful process and just tell her you are done? It is what you want isn't it?

 

You are completely wrong here and I feel like your own version of events has probably added to your comment here.

Yes I neglected her, but that isn't all that happened and it isn't cut and dry all my fault.

Chasing after someone after they ask to give them space is still the wrong thing to do whatever you are fighting about.

If someone is in the headspace that it's all too much then you can't talk them around, space is the best thing. For me, a week is enough so I need to know either way, which I communicated.

If we can't talk after a week about it then it's done. Which as I said, is fine.

But the whole. "Fighting" for someone doesn't work when they aren't emotionally available to you and wanting to break up

[BAcK]

I would advise you to take a moment, analyze things as they are and then decide for yourself. The best advice you can get is from yourself. Normally we rely on others to advise us because we are afraid to choose. But honestly speaking you already know where this is heading to. Just calmly talk to her a last time and decide what you want to do. Good luck buddy.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Really? Am I really going on my own version of things?

 

My gf out of the blue said she wanted space a week ago. She sounded like she wanted to break out off but couldn't. She is very patient normally but I think I was just too busy with work for a long time and wasn't a great boyfriend.

 

After the first day she text me saying she hopes I'm good and apologies for not calling yet. I text back saying that's fine, no rush.

She text back the day after saying she was ok and just been busy. I didn't text back as was nothing to text back about and she said she wanted space!

 

 

I'm actually at the end of my patience with it and want to move on if that is what is happening, but I don't want to push her away if I don't need to.

 

Either she still needs time or she is just postponing breaking it off with me, which I feel like is the case.

It is my turn to text. Should I just text tomorrow and lay it out there that we need to sort this so I can move on if needs be, or continue not having any communication in some strange limbo.

Or just text and saying, hey, just checking in, hope things are good.

 

Going out of my mind at the moment

 

She's never been like this. But we talked for an hour. She said she wasn't sure how she felt because I was neglecting her so much with work. I agreed to give her space so obs been avoiding calling and only text once.

 

I feel like we will talk. Unless she has totally changed more than I can imagine. Communication really does break down fast when someone changes and that's when there is really nothing u can do but wait and accept the outcome

 

I did think that there could be someone else.

Even if I did neglect her, which I was guilty of. There is never an excuse for that.

And yea, I feel that because I didn't text back she's annoyed but she asked for space.

I feel the best I have in a week now. I know it comes in waves but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, not feeling as though everything is my fault and ready to move on

 

 

 

She is asking for space to shake things up. She has been letting you know she has been unhappy with how you have been neglecting her and you are still wondering what to do and if you should let it fizzle out or confront her to end things because you don't want to wait for her decision.

 

Why not fight for her if you love her? Why not see if you can fix what has lead her to shut down as she has? Why not tell her point blank, if there is nothing to discuss or to be fixed on my end then what is the point of waiting weeks, let's end it now?

 

It's like you want to sit in silence waiting for her decision when you can actually try to stop this from happening by letting her know you:

 

a) recognize what you did to push her away

b) don't want to end the relationship you want to fix things

 

She wants you to take some responsibility she ultimately doesn't want to end things otherwise she would have already. She wouldn't have asked for space she would have said she is done. To me, that's clear.

[Slimtripper]

Really? Am I really going on my own version of things?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is asking for space to shake things up. She has been letting you know she has been unhappy with how you have been neglecting her and you are still wondering what to do and if you should let it fizzle out or confront her to end things because you don't want to wait for her decision.

 

Why not fight for her if you love her? Why not see if you can fix what has lead her to shut down as she has? Why not tell her point blank, if there is nothing to discuss or to be fixed on my end then what is the point of waiting weeks, let's end it now?

 

It's like you want to sit in silence waiting for her decision when you can actually try to stop this from happening by letting her know you:

 

a) recognize what you did to push her away

b) don't want to end the relationship you want to fix things

 

She wants you to take some responsibility she ultimately doesn't want to end things otherwise she would have already. She wouldn't have asked for space she would have said she is done. To me, that's clear.

 

OK I get your point now. I would love to do all of the above honestly. But she did ask me for space. So I feel like I can't just contact her to tell her how I feel because she's in the headspace that she is confused about everything and I'm just going to push her away.

It's a lot harder for me not to speak to her and to wait. I don't really know how else to convey anything to her if we aren't speaking. She said "thank you" when I said she is fine to talk to me whenever she is ready.

But I can't just keep waiting forever with no contact, it isn't helping either of us.

 

I don't know how I can convey anything else from this stage until we talk about things? If we do

[Sunkissedpatio]

Exactly. And you don't have to wait. You mentioned she got annoyed because you never responded to the text, or had nothing more to say.

 

I'm telling you, the ball's in your court. If you keep waiting and giving her that space then she will ultimately decide to walk for good. If you want her she is expecting you to fight for her, to prove her wrong, to let her know with your actions that you recognize you could have put more effort into seeing her and balancing your work vs the relationship and that she is just as important to you if not more than your career is.

 

Again, I am going by what you posted. You said you were somewhat blindsided by her decision to ask for space which leads me to think you didn't really have any other issues or problems in the relationship. The only real problem was your time and how you were dividing that time which resulted in neglect. Your words.

 

What is stopping you from letting her know that you want to work things out, that you want to make her your priority again and that you don't value work more than the relationship though some times you simply have to choose work because duty calls? You need to talk to her. She needs to know you are on the same page and that she is not going to have to beg for your time and dedication. Can you offer her that? If you can't then you need to let her know that you need out and put both of you out of your misery and just stop the waffling and waiting and end it.

 

Believe me, if she is what you want I'm only telling you this so that you can succeed at preventing the breakup. I am not telling you this to find fault or to accuse of you wrong-doings. It isn't about that. It's about saving your relationship if that is what you ultimately want.

[Slimtripper]

Exactly. And you don't have to wait. You mentioned she got annoyed because you never responded to the text, or had nothing more to say.

 

I'm telling you, the ball's in your court. If you keep waiting and giving her that space then she will ultimately decide to walk for good. If you want her she is expecting you to fight for her, to prove her wrong, to let her know with your actions that you recognize you could have put more effort into seeing her and balancing your work vs the relationship and that she is just as important to you if not more than your career is.

 

Again, I am going by what you posted. You said you were somewhat blindsided by her decision to ask for space which leads me to think you didn't really have any other issues or problems in the relationship. The only real problem was your time and how you were dividing that time which resulted in neglect. Your words.

 

What is stopping you from letting her know that you want to work things out, that you want to make her your priority again and that you don't value work more than the relationship though some times you simply have to choose work because duty calls? You need to talk to her. She needs to know you are on the same page and that she is not going to have to beg for your time and dedication. Can you offer her that? If you can't then you need to let her know that you need out and put both of you out of your misery and just stop the waffling and waiting and end it.

 

Believe me, if she is what you want I'm only telling you this so that you can succeed at preventing the breakup. I am not telling you this to find fault or to accuse of you wrong-doings. It isn't about that. It's about saving your relationship if that is what you ultimately want.

 

Thanks. The thing is, I definitely can offer that and want to. But she hasn't replied to what I said last. Did I put too much pressure on? This morning I was honestly done with the whole things it's been so stressful this week.

"Hope your weekend was good. I'm being patient but I just can't stay in limbo or half in and out as it's so difficult. If it's over it's ok, if you need space it's ok. But you need to let me know and it would be good to talk either way"

 

I've been in a different country for 4 months and just presumed she would be ok handling things. I still am a long way away so we can't just meet up and talk.

When I arranged to go back and see her, that's when this happened. She suddenly said she didn't know if she could handle it because I will just leave again.

 

It's so hard to predict. If she is in the mindset that she hates me at the moment and I go back home to sort it out, will it make it worse?

She said she doesn't think I care enough about her. But I know from 99% of cases that the grand Hollywood gesture will back fire. She'd been strange for several weeks running up to this. I'm sure still is hugely confused. I know she has never loved someone like me. I would go there in a heartbeat if I thought it would help. Should I?

[Sunkissedpatio]

She hasn't replied because you keep offering her more space. Do you understand what you are doing? Read what you wrote. You keep putting the ball in her court like she lost interest in you because she feel out of love "just because" and that's not the case. At least if we believe what she is saying the case is that there is a tangible reason she started to pull away. What are you willing to do to fix that? She needs to hear that. She doesn't need more space or to hear that she needs to come up with an answer "because you are put out, and it hurts YOU to have to sit in limbo" She's already frustrated all you are doing is frustrating her more by offering her more space.

 

 

Pick up the phone and talk to her! You don't need to make a grand Hollywood gesture. You do need to communicate to her that you have taken her complaints to heart, and that you are willing to work on them if she is still open to having a relationship. If she says no then there is your answer.

 

I wonder if somehow deep down you know you can't deliver what she wants and you are leaving it up to her because you want her to accept things as they are but decide "she was the one overreacting"?

[Slimtripper]

She hasn't replied because you keep offering her more space. Do you understand what you are doing? Read what you wrote. You keep putting the ball in her court like she lost interest in you because she feel out of love "just because" and that's not the case. At least if we believe what she is saying the case is that there is a tangible reason she started to pull away. What are you willing to do to fix that? She needs to hear that. She doesn't need more space or to hear that she needs to come up with an answer "because you are put out, and it hurts YOU to have to sit in limbo" She's already frustrated all you are doing is frustrating her more by offering her more space.

 

 

Pick up the phone and talk to her! You don't need to make a grand Hollywood gesture. You do need to communicate to her that you have taken her complaints to heart, and that you are willing to work on them if she is still open to having a relationship. If she says no then there is your answer.

 

I wonder if somehow deep down you know you can't deliver what she wants and you are leaving it up to her because you want her to accept things as they are but decide "she was the one overreacting"?

 

OK based on your last comment which really did ring true I'm going to take it that you are 100% correct here on everything.

The last time we spoke on the phone, I kept talking and she stopped me and said, "give me some time, and I'll be in contact."

So I really thought I was helping her by giving her the space. When she text me back I lef it because she'd waited 24 hours and it looked like she purposely hadn't been conversational.

I text her at 9pm her time last night. It's now 9am her time, 9pm my time.

I'll have to leave it 24 hours before I call her but going on what you are telling me then yes, I will call her on her night time.

 

I am just really really worried of pushing her away by bombarding her at this time. I've seen this happen so many times. They don't respond so u chase more and eventually you just push them away.

Anyway, I'll take your advice and do what you said.

[Sunkissedpatio]

That last thing you want to do is bombard her, I agree.

 

If you are in different countries right now how are you communicating? Why not send her a quick message saying look I've had time to reflect on everything going on and I don't want to lose you if the bottom line is that it's my work getting in the way, then I can fix that. If it's something else then it's out of my control.

 

Short and to the point. If you let her know something to that effect THEN you can put the ball in her court because you are telling her you are listening to her and are willing to make the needed changes to fix what pushed her away.

 

If she rejects that flat out then she is using it as an excuse. If she hems and haws then it could be she doesn't trust you can give her what she needs so you might have to be patient.

 

It's black or white. But you at least have to let her know you are aware of what she has mentioned is the issue and that you want to work on it. If that is what she wants you won't push her away.

 

Do you feel there is any other reason (other than there being someone else) that she would want to break up? Do you agree that you've neglected her for work and it wasn't brought up as a surprise in the eleventh hour and she has given you past opportunities to show her otherwise?

[Slimtripper]

That last thing you want to do is bombard her, I agree.

 

If you are in different countries right now how are you communicating? Why not send her a quick message saying look I've had time to reflect on everything going on and I don't want to lose you if the bottom line is that it's my work getting in the way, then I can fix that. If it's something else then it's out of my control.

 

Short and to the point. If you let her know something to that effect THEN you can put the ball in her court because you are telling her you are listening to her and are willing to make the needed changes to fix what pushed her away.

 

If she rejects that flat out then she is using it as an excuse. If she hems and haws then it could be she doesn't trust you can give her what she needs so you might have to be patient.

 

It's black or white. But you at least have to let her know you are aware of what she has mentioned is the issue and that you want to work on it. If that is what she wants you won't push her away.

 

Do you feel there is any other reason (other than there being someone else) that she would want to break up? Do you agree that you've neglected her for work and it wasn't brought up as a surprise in the eleventh hour and she has given you past opportunities to show her otherwise?

 

I think that is it. She doesn't think I can give her what she needs. I'm not very emotional, I haven't been. I still feel awkward saying the L word. My parents never said it to me, I was more of showing people how much they mean by ur actions, so I do struggle with that a lot. We were apart for 4 months and she asked me where I saw the future, which I avoided. I've had several warning signs all the way along here but ignored them.

She would call me all the time I wouldn't be available. I wasn't texting her as much as she was me. But I had a plan. I was working out how I could get back to see her and was looking at it more bigger picture than us sitting saying we loved each other every night.

 

A week before she called me n left me a voicemail which she never does. She's really trying at this stage. We arrange to call and I am a few hours late then have to go to sleep, and that's when it all changed.

The next day she wasn't herself. I called her and smoothed it over and convinced her I would be there soon. But every time she got close again, she'd go strange. She text me saying that she needs to know what our long term plan was. I assured her we would be together, but didn't really give her much, once more.

 

Then we continued being close. Saying we loved each other, but then she would drift off again. Then she drew back again, I called her and said are we ok, and she paused and said she didn't know.

 

She wasn't sure if she was the one for me. That she needs someone who is head over heels into her. I said I was ( I am) She said why didn't I tell her this. She sounded like she didn't know. I tried to convince her I was, explained how I found it hard to be open with people but she was the person I had been open with the most. She said she would love to see me but scared she'll feel down when I leave.

 

We kept talking. She sounded like she wanted to break it off but then she started becoming extremely anxious and hyperventilating and couldn't. So she said just give her some time and she will contact me.

 

Then she text me a day after which I thought was a great sign. I text her back a few hours later saying I'm here when she is ready. Then I got that message back after a whole day to which I didn't respond.

 

And then I text her 12 hours ago!

 

I have worked out how I can make this work, and I definitely will commit to doing that, over anything. I just don't know how to show or tell her that when she needs space.