"I love you" - what's he waiting for?

[abby_tx]

It doesn't sound great. You said yourself "the relationship isn't great" and he's "not in love with you". 7 months isn't THAT long but how many days a week do you see each other? The feeling should most certainly be close to mutual at this point. I understand your pain, because you love him, but he doesn't feel quite the same way. To me it sounds like it's a little bit of fear of commitment on his part, a slight insecurity about making it more "serious". But, why continue to put yourself through this when 1)it's not mutual, he's not "feeling" it and 2) you're going to be putting in more effort than he's giving and you're going to get more hurt.

 

If I said that, it was a typo. It is great. Not perfect, but great. He makes me happy. I do feel loved without the words.

[Gaeta]

Well damn. You've just made me completely change my thinking. Him not saying it could be good because it has stopped me from pushing forward to the next stage out of anxiety. If he had said it earlier, this post would be me freaking out about him not discussing marriage. My therapist has said that my anxiety makes me want to reach a level before it's time. Like..."If he just does ____" then I can stop worrying. But there is no end. An I love you, a proposal, a kid...none of it are answers to anxiety.

 

but what am I trying to get from him that I can't get on my own? I'm in therapy to stop sabatoging relationships because of my anxiety. I do think more about "does he like me?" than if I like him.

 

I have therapy Wednesday. I'm gonna bring some of this up. Last time I mentioned the "I love you" I told her that I didn't know if he wanted to be with me because he hadn't said it. She replied "is he still with you? Yes? There's your sign"

 

So when he says the 3 little words to you, What would you consider a reasonable plan? Can you identify what is rushing and what is not? How long do you think it takes to get to know someone enough to engage in a marriage with them?

 

The other issue: I don't think it's normal for a man of 30 to get drunk every weekend. Sure to have a drink is ok but to drink to the point of being drunk is a concern and an indication he may not be husband-father material...yet.

 

Other question: 7 months dating why you are not spending your weekend together?

 

More questions: What your parents think of him? What your friends think of him?

[abby_tx]

So when he says the 3 little words to you, What would you consider a reasonable plan? Can you identify what is rushing and what is not? How long do you think it takes to get to know someone enough to engage in a marriage with them?

 

The other issue: I don't think it's normal for a man of 30 to get drunk every weekend. Sure to have a drink is ok but to drink to the point of being drunk is a concern and an indication he may not be husband-father material...yet.

 

Other question: 7 months dating why you are not spending your weekend together?

 

More questions: What your parents think of him? What your friends think of him?

 

 

Good question. I don't necessarily know. I think by one year, we should at least know if marriage is something we can see with one another. That's when I think we'd be able to start saying, "when we are married..." without freaking the other person out. Most of our friends get engaged after two years, but they are younger so it makes sense to wait. If I wasn't engaged within two years with any guy at my current age, I'd be sad. Dating is easier/quicker at this age. With my boyfriend of 7 years, we never talked about it seriously. It was more "I'm working on getting my business going before anything else enters my head" so I had to be patient. But even with him I still had doubts about marriage and wasn't quite ready. I'm more mature now and know what I'm looking for.

 

We actually do spend weekends (Fri-Sun morning) together and one weekday. The reason why I didn't this weekend was because I had a family thing.

 

I agree with the drinking. i have no idea if he drinks on weekdays, but weekends it is drink until you're drunk. Even if we are having a "quiet" night he still keeps going until it's time for bed. Once he gets a buzz, he doesn't stop. This far I feel I've been an enabler because I drink along with him...I just am able to stop at a certain point.

 

My parents will meet him on thanksgiving!! Eek. My best friend met him and really likes him. She says "your boyfriend has done things for you that took my boyfriend a year to do" when I obsess over him not saying he loves me. Her bf said he loved her a couple months in, but held her at arms length everywhere else so she thinks I have it good.

Edited November 21, 2016 by abby_tx

[Gaeta]

Why did it take so long to meet your parents?

 

Have you met his?

 

His drinking habit has gotten worse lately or he's always been a big drinker?

[abby_tx]

Why did it take so long to meet your parents?

 

Have you met his?

 

His drinking habit has gotten worse lately or he's always been a big drinker?

 

My parents live out of town and the times they were in town it just didn't end up working. It could have worked, but it would have been effort and stress I wasn't ready for!

 

I have met his parents and sibling a few times. We've had a few family dinners, - trip to the park together. I've even gone shoooing alone with his mom lol. I get along great with his family. I instantly felt at home with them. I mean, I am a bit akward and shy but his family is a big part of why I like him!

 

I think his drinking has been the same, but I didn't notice until now. At first we both drank out of nerves when we were getting to know eachither. And then it seemed all of his friends had nonstop birthdays, engagement parties, wedding receptions, etc so there was always a special occasion which made the drinking seem celebratory. It's when all that died down and it's just a regular old

Friday or Saturday that I don't get the need for nonstop drinking. Drinking is usually an escape for people so I start to get paranoid about why he does it. As you saw, we aren't especially careful with sex so this is a wake up call. Would he tone it down if we had an accidental baby? Who knows.

[Gaeta]

As you saw, we aren't especially careful with sex so this is a wake up call. Would he tone it down if we had an accidental baby? Who knows.

 

No he would not.

 

You are playing with fire with unprotected sex. I think unconsciously it's your way of escalating this relationship into a marriage. Which will tumble down into a divorce eventually. How many single moms out there thought their guy was worth playing with fire? too many. Then try to find a man in your early 30s, divorced with a toddler.

[inmyownworld]

From your previous thread, it doesn't seem to me that you and your bf know each other very well or are very open with each other. Everyone has their own time table and anxiety can shorten the time whether it's warranted or not.

 

Your basis for the ILY seems to be the amount of time that has passed, when it should be what's going on in your relationship. Your lives don't necessarily seem to be intertwined to a great extent yet and may take more time to get there. I think you think the ILY will calm the anxiety, but my experience with anxious people is that doesn't happen. Enjoy the process of the relationship if you are happy in it.

[abby_tx]

No he would not.

 

You are playing with fire with unprotected sex. I think unconsciously it's your way of escalating this relationship into a marriage. Which will tumble down into a divorce eventually. How many single moms out there thought their guy was worth playing with fire? too many. Then try to find a man in your early 30s, divorced with a toddler.

 

I agree, though surprisingly a lot of people here have started with kids and then get married. I haven't known them long enough to see long term effects

[abby_tx]

From your previous thread, it doesn't seem to me that you and your bf know each other very well or are very open with each other. Everyone has their own time table and anxiety can shorten the time whether it's warranted or not.

 

Your basis for the ILY seems to be the amount of time that has passed, when it should be what's going on in your relationship. Your lives don't necessarily seem to be intertwined to a great extent yet and may take more time to get there. I think you think the ILY will calm the anxiety, but my experience with anxious people is that doesn't happen. Enjoy the process of the relationship if you are happy in it.

 

And this is what brings me anxiety and confusion. I've got people saying I can't be toonopen and others that I'm not open enough. I also can't rush closeness and we have jobs so...ahhhh I don't know

[Gaeta]

I agree, though surprisingly a lot of people here have started with kids and then get married. I haven't known them long enough to see long term effects

 

Moving in together after years of dating and making the decision of having kids without being married (but as common law) is NOT the same as getting pregnant on purpose at 7 months dating. Do you see the difference?

 

After 7 months dating you ONLY noticed his drinking habit ! You know very little of this man. You do not know enough about him to make a life changing decision like getting pregnant.

[MidwestUSA]

Moving in together after years of dating and making the decision of having kids without being married (but as common law) is NOT the same as getting pregnant on purpose at 7 months dating. Do you see the difference?

 

After 7 months dating you ONLY noticed his drinking habit ! You know very little of this man. You do not know enough about him to make a life changing decision like getting pregnant.

 

Seconded.

 

Abby, do NOT have an oopsie with this guy! Especially since you admit you're an enabler with his drinking.

 

Have you considered he may be drinking to avoid some of the more serious issues in your relationship? Or that he's using it as an intimacy avoidant measure?

[Leigh 87]

After 7 months I don't think you should tip toe around this.

 

* You tell him you love him and wait for a reaction.

 

* You ask him how he feels about you

 

* Do it while you are both sober.

 

Maybe he is not there yet and can give this another couple of months. Meanwhile you are free to tell him you love him without expecting anything in return. You are in love and will just be expressing it. You are making a statement. You can do this even if he is not there yet. It feel terrible to love someone and not expressing it, at least relieve yourself and don't keep this bottled up inside anymore.

 

If he isn't in love by 7 months he never will be.

[Leigh 87]

He's 30. He only drinks with friends. Some night it's just watching movies with a friend while pounding beers. Some nights it's going to a show and doing shots. Most weekends I'm with him when he's doing it (which I like cause I can make sure he gets home safe). Good point about the holidays.

 

He is inexperienced so I fear it could take him longer to feel 'in love.'

 

Men either fall head over heels in love right away or they never fall that hard.

 

Men and women fall in love differenfly.

 

My bf hadn't touched a woman for years. Hs last and only relationship was over 5 years prior to me..... being inexperienced is no reason for a guy to not be able to fall in love.

 

Even my emotionally retarded, man child of an ex who was not even that into me- even HE fell in love with me by 5 months.

 

Your bf either feels it now or he never will.

 

Lets hope he feels it and it too scared to say it.

[lana-banana]

If you read my previous thread, you'll see my boyfriend drunkenly told me he loved me around 2-3 months then a couple weeks later told me it was premature and while he loves things about me, he is not in love with me.

 

This strikes me as a serious red flag. Everyone interprets things differently but I would have heard this as "I like you very much, but don't feel enough of a connection to progress this relationship". If I were looking for something deeper I would probably have ended it.

[Gaeta]

This strikes me as a serious red flag. Everyone interprets things differently but I would have heard this as "I like you very much, but don't feel enough of a connection to progress this relationship". If I were looking for something deeper I would probably have ended it.

 

I don't think any woman should put value in what a man says while drunk.

 

His d&ck moved and he said ILY, then realized it was stupid and took it back. I actually think it's mature of him to take it back, it means his ILY aren't the type of ILY you throw left and right.

[sunshine2]

Too many red flags for me in this relationship. Sounds like your BF has a drinking problem, that is a big red flag that he drinks till he is drunk even when you are just home chilling.

 

My first husband was a alcoholic and drug user (pot) and in my youth I thought getting married and having kids would "cure" his partying. Surprise,,,it didn't. I ended up being a single parent of two very small children at age 26. He was the love of my life, and he still loves me as he told my kids recently, but he is still drinking and doing drugs in excess and is 61. I would of had a lifetime of this if I had not left him.

 

Really think about what your future would be like if he never stops drinking. Its not pretty.

[Versacehottie]

Seconded.

 

Abby, do NOT have an oopsie with this guy! Especially since you admit you're an enabler with his drinking.

 

Have you considered he may be drinking to avoid some of the more serious issues in your relationship? Or that he's using it as an intimacy avoidant measure?

 

Yeah agreed. in addition, I think sometimes it has nothing to do with you. His drinking to excess should be a signal to you Abby of where he is in his life. The ILY is not the only signal you are waiting for. A person gives you signals, all day, every day. It seems like you are only looking for the ones you think will answer the questions you want to know (where is this going or more so, am I going to be able to get this guy to the place I want him). In the meantime, there is information all around that you are ignoring. Drinking to excess like that in general, coupled with the reluctance to say ILY, lets me know that he might not be ready for more serious things and doesn't want to over promise you. This may not have anything to do with you--just where he is in life.

 

I agree with Gaeta too that if you are just noticing this now that is part of the reason he hasn't said it yet too--your lives just aren't as intertwined as you might believe them to be. Again, you are jumping to or trying to jump to the end. Break the time into smaller pieces. You just described your whole timeline and it seems pretty set (and rushed!). I can see why you are anxious about an ILY at 7 months because based on your timeline you now have a serious problem if you are wanting to be on a marriage timeline/mindset in a year. Inherent is that is pushing because effectively you are already "late!".

 

I know that some of what you are doing is fair--it's fair to want to only invest in someone who you believe will be serious with you. It's unrealistic to be singularly focused though--I also think if you get what you "think" you want, you may be making a mistake. It takes time to figure out if investing in a person is smart & time to make sure he will not be a mistake. Take the time. (and stop calling it being patient!! YOU need the time to decide if he is for you; it's MORE than being patient. Patient implies you know what you want 1000% and are sitting there like a puppy dog).