Has anyone on here ever settled in a relationship?

[phineas]

I've never settled on things that were important to me and never would.

 

That said I don't have a checklist of superficial things that I ever expected a woman to meet up to. I never had an expected height range, or color, or religion, or list of hobbies, or anything that I specifically expected.

 

My must haves were someone that I was attracted to, that had good values, and that I enjoyed being with.

 

Don't get caught up in the minutia of details. If you meet someone who makes you happy and they weigh 15 extra pounds, are 3 inches too short, 4 years too old, or have horrible taste in music, it will NOT affect your happiness and ability to have a great life together. I think a lot of people forget that in this era of checklist online dating.

 

Pretty much this.

I either find them attractive or I don't and there are no required stats.

I look for a woman who is fun and doesn't nag, doesn't have substance issues and doesn't have emotional problems.

not to mention good in bed.

[niji]

Settling is being with someone you don't want to be with, for me it's as simple as that. It does not matter what qualities they have (or have not), if at the end of the day you don't want to see them/seeing them doesn't make you feel better, then to me, that's settling. We're not talking about the occasional grumpy days when you just want to shut the entire world out including mom best friends and even Matt Damon; we're talking every single days, if the days you don't want to see them are more than the ones when you do, something is wrong. Instead of a checklist, ask yourself: do you feel loved, comfortable, secure, and at ease when you're with a partner? If any of the above is a "no", you probably want to reassess.

 

When I was young, I was jaded with the concept of "love" - I wanted someone reliable, who I could do the ordinary things with and hence the cliche "grow old with", without having to necessarily do exciting things. After being in such a relationship, I then realized I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't be with someone I didn't enjoy cuddling and in general be intimate with. We're not siblings, we're not best buds, we're romantic partners, and for me, the whole being roommates thing just doesn't work. So there I was, setting myself up to be with a "roommate" for the rest of my life, then getting sick of my own plan. Yes I was young, and when we're young we think we know it all. At the age of 17, I thought I was so much more realistic and grounded than those girls who yearned for "true love", at the age of 17. Now I truly believe one can be a great companion as well as a romantic partner. Call me naive if you'd like - maybe when it's time for diaper changes I'll change my mind, but I don't see why you can't be both intimate and sharing diaper duties at the same time. Good romantic partners should also be good companions that make you realize the world is not on your shoulder alone to carry.

 

I don't have a checklist, other than shared values that are not negotiable (loyalty, honesty and kindness being the core) - if you're an a**, into drugs (which will inevitably turn you into an a** unless you're a professional addict who knows just when to stop), or enjoy the thrill of cheating, then it's an easy No. But other than that, no stats or checklist will help making sure you enjoy a person's company. If you don't enjoy seeing them, try to identify issues that caused it, and if you have to work REALLY hard to resolve these issues that it tires you out, then you two weren't compatible in the first place.

 

Bottom line: I want to be with someone I enjoy to be with, without putting my whole life on hold to make the relationship work. If I'm in one like that, then I'm not settling. Life is so much more than a relationship, and I found that in healthy, loving relationships, the couples don't make the relationship their one-and-only thing that matter.

Edited November 24, 2016 by niji

[NuevoYorko]

 

It's kind of a sugar coated word or euphemism to make others that use it sound less shallow. Let's say she's only 5'1", but won't date someone under 6 feet, but if she does it's "settling"?

Wow. This is like the 3rd post you've made on this thread picking on women who want to date men of a certain height.

 

If she feels like she "settled" with the guy who's 5'11" instead of 6', she needs to not be with him BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR TO HIM. Same goes for if a man wants a woman who has DDD boobs but "settles" for one with DD. It would suck to be that woman, never measuring up in her man's eyes.

 

If a person thinks they "settled" for their partner, they're doing them a cruel disservice. Nobody wants to be settled for.

 

The truth is that no one is perfect and 99.9% of people are not going to find a mate who fits their fantasy picture completely. What happens is that people let go of many preconceived notions of what they MUST have in another person when they actually meet someone with whom they connect on a deep level. When they do, and they are happy with that person, they actually haven't SETTLED, they have fallen in love.

 

On the other hand, if they are going around bitterly thinking "ugh, I couldn't get that tall fellow that I wanted, so I have to settle for this shorter guy, what a drag," it would really suck to be that guy.

 

My real point is: If you feel like you're settling, don't do it. If you think you're being settled for, leave fast.

[LookAtThisPOst]

For me, settling is equal to entering into a relationship without the infatuation phase. I find it very painful to even go on dates that are "pleasant" and have "good conversation" without that desire to rip someone's clothes off. I have no motivation to even put on mascara without that desire.

 

I knew a couple of women that never felt the "want to rip off his clothes" attitude, because they aren't that way. They typically do the slow burn, the gradual getting to know you process. Having "pleasant conversations" is what they are all about in the initial dating phase.

 

The ripping clothes off (or whatever embellishment you'd prefer) comes much later for them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Wow. This is like the 3rd post you've made on this thread picking on women who want to date men of a certain height.

 

If she feels like she "settled" with the guy who's 5'11" instead of 6', she needs to not be with him BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR TO HIM. Same goes for if a man wants a woman who has DDD boobs but "settles" for one with DD. It would suck to be that woman, never measuring up in her man's eyes.

 

If a person thinks they "settled" for their partner, they're doing them a cruel disservice. Nobody wants to be settled for.

 

The truth is that no one is perfect and 99.9% of people are not going to find a mate who fits their fantasy picture completely. What happens is that people let go of many preconceived notions of what they MUST have in another person when they actually meet someone with whom they connect on a deep level. When they do, and they are happy with that person, they actually haven't SETTLED, they have fallen in love.

 

On the other hand, if they are going around bitterly thinking "ugh, I couldn't get that tall fellow that I wanted, so I have to settle for this shorter guy, what a drag," it would really suck to be that guy.

 

My real point is: If you feel like you're settling, don't do it. If you think you're being settled for, leave fast.

 

 

The thing is, you find some of these women complaining how they can't meet the 6 feet "man of their dreams" and they become the butt of jokes among siblings as the only 40-something person in the family that's never been married.

 

Both friends and family members have even taken them aside and say, "Hey, listen....you really need to lighten up on your criteria"

 

I recall a professional matchmaker that was hard to appease a client...he FINALLY hit pay dirt, but the guy was just 2 short inches under desired height she wanted.

 

He called her in for an appt, but when she arrived...he told her what was up, and when she found out his height, she stormed out of the office, citing wasting her time.

 

The matchmaker just shook their heads in disgust. I think this is why matchmaking businesses don't do well as they sometimes end up getting sued for pairing others up with others that only THEY deem unworthy when the meet in person.

[Leigh 87]

I don't know if that's what most people seek. Some of it is highly culturally motivated, I'd say, but the "mortgage and baby" package is probably less widespread than you might think.

 

However, I do think wanting permanent love is a universal desire - and I think there's almost no correlation between being "in love" and having love in your life in a permanent fashion.

 

Also, you're not really answering my question.

 

I get that you enjoy mutual infatuation - and who wouldn't

 

But you know it doesn't last - so you should also know you either need to go from person to person - or live without it while you're in a long term relationship after the initial fire has died down.

 

Because I feltl like I settled when I bypass the falling in love part.

 

It just isn't who I am.

 

I fell in love with my partner. Now the infatuation has ended, we still share a special spark and I feel like he is my true love.

 

The absence of infatuation and falling in love leaves me with no will or desrie to actually DATE someone. I would literally rather be at home alone.

 

I don't do things in life that I don't enjoy. Unless I have to of course, such as getting up early for work when I feel like sleeping in longer, or studying for my podiatry exams.

 

Dating shouldn't be a chore! So I only dated men when I felt like it. With no imminent rush to want kids or marriage.

 

It just so happens I need high passion to want to date.

[kismetkismet]

I did for a period of time until I found it unbearable and had to move on. I always assumed that every relationship was some degree of 'settling' and that I wasn't the type to fall head over heels over anyone. I thought you just sort of find the best one you can and make it work. I would always just decide whether or not to stay in a relationship based on whether I thought i would be happier with them, or alone. Not really whether I would be with them forever.

 

And maybe that's true.. but with my fiancé it's just never been like that. It's like one of those grotesque 'made for each other' situations that I always thought were bull****. I'm SO glad I didn't settle with my previous boyfriend - which i'd seriously considered - because 6 months after breaking up with him (at age 29) I met my current fiancé and I've never been happier.

 

I still don't know if I believe that's going to be the case for everyone, or if I just got really lucky. And I know that no relationship is perfect by any means. But I think that if you know consciously that you are "settling" then you're always going to wonder.

[thecrucible]

Because I feltl like I settled when I bypass the falling in love part.

 

It just isn't who I am.

 

The absence of infatuation and falling in love leaves me with no will or desrie to actually DATE someone. I would literally rather be at home alone.

 

I think I know what you mean, Leigh. I can get to know someone over a certain period of time and still develop that romantic interest in him if I'm sufficiently intrigued by his physical presence. How long it takes to assess whether there's romantic potential really depends on the guy. Some people can be easily be dismissed due to an undesirable personality trait. Others deserve more time. Speaking as a slightly shy person, I believe that some people are too easily looked over when they shouldn't be.

 

On the other hand, I definitely agree that enthusiasm has to be there. When I first started dating as a teenager, I was insecure. I thought I was choosing guys I really loved. However what I didn't realise is that I was subconsciously choosing the relationship before the man so I wasn't focusing on him so much as my desire to have a relationship. Now I focus more on whether I like the man first and it's changed how I do things. I really can't muster enthusiasm for a guy when I know in my heart it isn't there. And neither should he. I'm my genuine self. I react to the dating situation naturally at each stage.

 

TL;DR: I couldn't be dishonest and go along with something I wasn't feeling. I'd be deceiving him as well as myself.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I did for a period of time until I found it unbearable and had to move on. I always assumed that every relationship was some degree of 'settling' and that I wasn't the type to fall head over heels over anyone. I thought you just sort of find the best one you can and make it work. I would always just decide whether or not to stay in a relationship based on whether I thought i would be happier with them, or alone. Not really whether I would be with them forever.

 

And maybe that's true.. but with my fiancé it's just never been like that. It's like one of those grotesque 'made for each other' situations that I always thought were bull****. I'm SO glad I didn't settle with my previous boyfriend - which i'd seriously considered - because 6 months after breaking up with him (at age 29) I met my current fiancé and I've never been happier.

 

I still don't know if I believe that's going to be the case for everyone, or if I just got really lucky. And I know that no relationship is perfect by any means. But I think that if you know consciously that you are "settling" then you're always going to wonder.

 

I've discovered that "feeling" I got when I thought, "Wow, me and this person would be a really great match...and I'd even feel butterflies...but then I would find out they'd be married or taken" No joke, happens almost every time, which kind of ascribes to the "all the good ones are taken" thing.

[OatsAndHall]

I went on a few dates with a woman once and we had a great time together. We had the same sense of humor, a lot of things in common (both teachers, both coaches) and we spent virtually every minute of the two dates laughing. It was fun, relaxing and I enjoyed her company. After the second date, we arranged a third and I didn't hear from her for about a week and we had spent a lot time texting previously. I finally shot her a message and asked if she was doing alright. I'll never forget her response:

 

"You're a really nice person and I had a lot of fun on our dates. But, I don't usually date guys that go to the gym a lot as I like skinny men. I'm sorry, I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

Now, we had only briefly talked about my active life style and I am by no means a muscle-bound behemoth: I'm 5'11'' and 180lbs.. I was put off for a little bit but I realized that I would be the one "settling" if I went out on one more date with this woman.

 

I was grateful she called it off: it gave me more time to go to the weight room and saved me about $40 on a dinner.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I went on a few dates with a woman once and we had a great time together. We had the same sense of humor, a lot of things in common (both teachers, both coaches) and we spent virtually every minute of the two dates laughing. It was fun, relaxing and I enjoyed her company. After the second date, we arranged a third and I didn't hear from her for about a week and we had spent a lot time texting previously. I finally shot her a message and asked if she was doing alright. I'll never forget her response:

 

"You're a really nice person and I had a lot of fun on our dates. But, I don't usually date guys that go to the gym a lot as I like skinny men. I'm sorry, I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

Now, we had only briefly talked about my active life style and I am by no means a muscle-bound behemoth: I'm 5'11'' and 180lbs.. I was put off for a little bit but I realized that I would be the one "settling" if I went out on one more date with this woman.

 

I was grateful she called it off: it gave me more time to go to the weight room and saved me about $40 on a dinner.

 

Yeah, I pretty much dismissed the idea of "Chemistry" or "infatuation" or whatever they r calling it this week. Because I went on a date with a woman that I swear I felt some DEEP chemistry with.

 

In fact our humor really gelled real well with each other among other things and the flirt train was HOT. From email, the phone, to in person. I thought if we met in person, it would die off, but ...it did not.

 

She couldn't get that smile off her face when she was with me and we held each other close and kiss each other good night. That was the first time I EVER kissed a woman on a FIRST ONLINE date. No joke.

 

Even when I got home...she called ME to just talk some more...to see if I made it home alright.

 

I thought I foudn "The one"

 

Went to set up a 2nd date...called her up, she was completely cold fish when she answered, didn't have the "sing song" sound in her voice, is as if she was being deliberately cold with me to get me off the phone. I asked about getting together again, and she said, "I' don't know what I got going on, this weekend...I'll let you know."

 

And that was that. Never heard from her again. She pretty much ghosted.

 

This is why I dismiss the myth of the chemistry or "sparks", it's bullcrap.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You're a really nice person and I had a lot of fun on our dates. But, I don't usually date guys that go to the gym a lot as I like skinny men. I'm sorry, I hope you find what you're looking for

 

I had to laugh my a** off at this one, because with all the men giving tips to "how to attract a woman"

 

They give the, "You need to lift, to get a woman, bruh." :laugh:

[OatsAndHall]

I had to laugh my a** off at this one, because with all the men giving tips to "how to attract a woman"

 

They give the, "You need to lift, to get a woman, bruh." :laugh:

 

I've actually found the opposite. I've had quite a few women say that they don't date us gym rats because "we're self-absorbed". But, my response for that is honest and stops 'em dead in their tracks: "I'm a Highlands Game competitor, I go to the gym so I can wear a kilt and throw logs, rocks and other heavy crap farther, not so I can get a six-pack". They have NO clue how to respond to that.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think the word and the concept of "settling" is flawed. Perhaps it's an appropriate concept for those who are extremely superficial, but for people who relate to others as fully-formed, unique, complex human beings... nah, it's just not a good word. To me it always has superficial undertones.

 

 

It has little to do with superficiality. On the outside it looks like it might be straight up vanity but it goes a lot deeper than that.

 

It has to do with the individual criteria that a person has formed that is a combination of rational characteristics that are learned, and others that have nothing to do with rationalization but are criteria borne out of conditioning that happens as early as when we are babies. What we experienced in childhood with our families and how we experienced sex for the first time (not actual intercourse in our teens kind of sex but sex exploration that happens as early as when we are toddlers. The kinds of things that arouse us at a very young age.

 

This determines what we will find attractive in a mate as an adult.

 

Settling would be foregoing that to force an attraction that feels unnatural to us and what we know.

 

That's why we can't explain sometimes why someone doesn't do it for us. It goes a lot deeper than do they look this way or that way.

[Fair]

Personally I think that if you start off a relationship with the thought that you are settling than you are doomed."

 

What he said.

 

Women settle all the time... I don't know about men. You see it everywhere... And they do it because they have so many issues with low self worth due to our societal conditioning. It's heartbreaking.

[thecrucible]

Personally I think that if you start off a relationship with the thought that you are settling than you are doomed."

 

What he said.

 

Women settle all the time... I don't know about men. You see it everywhere... And they do it because they have so many issues with low self worth due to our societal conditioning. It's heartbreaking.

 

I'm a girl haha but yes thank you. I just think it's very difficult for women because some men have very high standards. I mean some men aren't the hottest thing since sliced bread but they will dump you for a silly reason. I once got dumped because the guy thought my breasts weren't big enough for him (and this was after we were intimate so...). I think it's hard for me as a shy lady too. I'm not so shy that I can't initiate conversation but some guys like their ego inflated a bit more than I am willing to do, or they are only interested if they see another man wants you. It's not enough to be even slightly pretty, you have to be creme de la creme.

 

Women also get encouraged to settle a lot more whereas men aren't expected to do so. Biological urges take over as well and some women want to stay with whomever they are with even if they aren't ideal because they really want to start a family and get to a place in life they want to be. There is a lot of pressure from peers to settle down and I believe a lot more social stigma for women to be ticking off all those life goals. I don't blame people for settling for that reason.