SunBird Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 As always happens when I am in a relationship, I am questioning everything and wish I could just relax and be in it. It is different this time - I am not running. I've accepted that my unrest may not mean it is 'wrong'. He is special, our connection seems special, but that does not help me with my intimacy issues. We were good friends before we got together and I spent almost a year deliberating whether to act when my feelings developed. I am used to my inner voice and it's questioning. It comes out with the usual stuff, but what I am asking myself at the moment is 'Do I love him' or rather 'is this the right kind of love' - if there is such a thing. I know, I know. The age old response to that comment is 'if you have to question it, then it's not love'. Well it's very different if you are someone with a major anxiety disorder and a childhood of emotional neglect. Feelings aren't as simple as that. I certainly love being with him, and love that I can be completely myself when I am with him. For the first time ever I have not changed myself in order to fit into the relationship. I always want to share things with him when he;s not there and i think about him without realising (not dreamy or hormoned fueled thoughts, hes just there like part of my life). We have the same values, we have a lot of shared interests and we have a good sex life. So really there is nothing to question right? The problem always comes when I look at other situations. I know that it is the wrong thing to do to compare to others. This is pointless and destructive, we are all different. But it is hard not to notice how others talk about their loved ones. They gush and praise their other half. I think he is a wonderful person, but shouldn't I think he is 'the most wonderful person on earth'? To give it some context I've never thought that about anyone. I grew up in a critical environment and am trying to rid myself of a critical mind. My mind is self critical before anything else, but it certainly gives the world a hard time. I'm working on it. I think this could be why i am 'not able' to praise others. The closer they are, the harder that is. I always gush over animals, that is safe. And i have a few people in my life (friends) who i think are wonderful and am not afraid to say it, but that is sort of safe too. To say, or allow myself to feel that about someone close to me feels so hard. I have to hope that it's not because i dont truly care about him, but becasue I am afraid to let go and love. I have to rely on my gut to stick around. Or am I missing something, do I just like being with him because he makes me feel good about myself, do I really care about him as a person. How do I know this?
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Or am I missing something, do I just like being with him because he makes me feel good about myself, do I really care about him as a person. How do I know this? How about you love him because of all of the above? You don't need to break it down into pieces, just ask yourself: Am I happy? if the answer is yes why dissect it? Just be happy with him. It also takes time to get to know your mate enough to feel he's 'the most amazing person'. You cannot make such statements about someone you've just started dating, it wouldn't mean much, right! 1
basil67 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Other than love struck teenagers and those in the throes of a crush, I don't know anyone who gushes about their partner as being the best person on earth. No - wait. I have one male FB friend who does that about his wife. I really don't think it's a normal state for most people though. I think the majority of us love our partners dearly but also see that they are human and not worthy of a pedestal. 1
Author SunBird Posted November 21, 2016 Author Posted November 21, 2016 Thanks guys - that is really reassuring. I have been having therapy for a few years now to try and sort out my inability to get close to people. It is really helping, but I guess it exaggerates the questioning in a way. Gaeta those are lovely words. Yes, I am happy, why question it. Quite right and I need to work on this, on quietening my mind. I suppose that comes out of nervousness of not trusting my feelings. I am always on high alert, waiting for at any moment to suddenly feel different. But I am learning to get in touch with how I feel and trust it - not easy after nearly 40 years of being in full protection mode, adjusting myself to deal with the poisonous people around me and never really knowing who I am or what I feel. My boyfriend and I have been officially going out for 6 months but have known each other as close friends for several years. Every now and then I get scared becasue I am finding him annoying or odd and think 'hang on, do I like being with this person, he's a bit of a twit'! (just being fully honest here!) - but I am sure that is the judgmental person in me coming out and I ignore it. I guess there are always ways that we don't jive with our other halves. But I worry I am paying attention to the wrong things sometimes. If i find stuff annoying now, how do I stop myself turning into a bitter irritated woman (like my mother!) later on!! And (sorry for all the brain poo), does anyone else (girls) have very strong differences in how they feel in themselves at different times in the month? Sometimes it is more pronounced than others, but when estrogen is low (second half of month) I feel totally differently about my boyfriend. I am irritable, not affectionate, more critical, no libido and so on. Where as right now when feeling normal, I want to be around him, normal sex drive, feel more cuddly and affectionate and am much less sensitive to things, and worry less in general. For all I know this happens all the time but I don't notice so much when im not in a relationship. It opens all sorts of philosophical questions. Am I just a bag of chemicals?! Which bit is the real 'me' if my time is divided between the two - the grumpy one or the relaxed one. Anyway, enough waffle but thanks for listening community.
scooby-philly Posted November 24, 2016 Posted November 24, 2016 As usual....gaeta has a great response. Go girl! Op, I have the exact opposite problem. I used to let women walk all over me and stuck with things whem they clearly were not right. That said....I dont care what any other person says....youre 100% right...if you are overly critical then you are jot the best judge. Dont know enough og your story to say more. Perhaps you have a fear of abandonment or have a fear or intimacy. Regardless....continue therapy and continue to post and seek out other opinions....but 1 opinion is never enough so you need to look for consensus. If he makes you happ is good for you and to you...a lot can be worked on if hes open to it and he is accepting of your faults? If so.. ..then remember youre not perfect either.
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