hollygoeslightly Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) I feel like at 34 years old I should really have a better handle on things alas... Any guidance would be much appreciated. Background to me - was in a LTR aged 19 - 29 which ended when he cheated on me and his mother died/his brother was in intensive care. Had to cancel wedding. 18 months later I meet another guy who has mental health issues. It is an intense few months together which leaves me devastated and messed up in the head when over. I stay completely single for 3 years and swear off men until I "find myself." (hippy dippy I know!) The current situation... I have been back on the dating scene. Not met anyone I could actually date/connected with. My friend was on a night out with her husband's work and knew a guy who was recently single so set him on to me on POF. He had already seen my profile which had apparently caught his eye.He has a 4 year old son, an ex be broke up with in April (after 7 years together.) So we start messaging. I know it's bad to message a lot at the start but I don't think either of us were quite ready to meet up. He seems so lovely, kind, and the opposite to guys I usually go for. In between all of this, my grandad who was like a father to me is rushed into hospital and dies within the 2 weeks. This guy is so supportive, offering to help with my house move (which came at the wrong time) and just being there for me. He says I've helped him take his mind off stuff as well. Fast forward 3 months to October this year - still talking, flirting up a storm and I am wondering if we are ever going to meet - despite constantly referring to it. Eventually we decide that maybe we both need to be a little tipsy in order to have some confidence both being shy. The night comes and I go round his. We are a bit nervous but I feel relaxed in his company and enjoy talking. He makes his move and we move to the bedroom. Now we don't end up having full on sex (everything but) and we fall asleep completely intertwined and it stays that way all night. The next morning we do the same stuff again and I head out as he has to go pick up his son. Straight after I get a thank you for coming over text saying he had fun. A few hours later he asks if I would be up for meeting again - I, of course, said yes. We talked a bit during the day. In the night he messaged to say "I got into bed and all I can smell is you" and when I jokingly apologised he said "that isn't a bad thing."He apologised for being too "horny" and wanting too much too soon. This was the Fri/Sat and on the Monday I went around again. The same stuff happened. Same good conversation - talking about his boy, situation with ex etc. and seemed to be opening up. After this he has got quieter with the texting and initiating. It has been a month since we have met up. I have asked when he is available as he has more commitments than me to work around. He now initiates texting less...but when we do talk we can chat for 2 hours and it's the same flirty banter we used to have. I confronted him about it (didn't want to be walked all over again) and said that I basically didn't want to be flogging a dead horse, bugging him about meeting and messaging, if there was no point. I said I felt like he was always hot and cold with me. I didn't expect a response. He came back to apologise that he has been so quiet - that when he's stressed and busy that is what he does. He says that I don't bug him at all and that he would let me know if so and to keep on as I am. I noticed he hadn't responded to meeting up again so said this to him. He came back to say he thought that it was obvious he wanted to see me again (to which I laughed at and said that no, that's kind of the point.) He then said when he is not so busy with work (which I know he is as another mutual friend who speaks to him says he's doing an important project at the mo, working into the night doing IT stuff.) he will arrange to meet up again. She has also said that maybe it was all too much too soon with me and it freaked him out as the stuff with his ex is so recent. Help me out here - I would have said he is now not interested when he originally was. But the fact I've asked him about it and everyone tells me he is a genuine guy. He didn't push for sex at all and he could have had it 3 times if I'm honest as it felt right. What do you think? Am I fighting a losing battle? I'm in the process of giving him more space now and looking at dating other guys. Not sure if this is the right thing to do but I feel stuck in limbo...despite being up front for once about not being a walkover. Also - how much room do you give someone after a break up? With a child? How much do I allow for these in his behaviour. Edited November 20, 2016 by hollygoeslightly
Grapesofwrath Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 I think you have to look at actions, not words. No doubt he is busy with work and his child. We all have busy lives. It doesn't take a lot of time, however, to send a quick text and let you know he's thinking of you. He could do this, if it was a priority. Any speculation on why he went cold would be just that...speculation. If it were me, I would just back waaaaay off. You have said how you feel and been honest with him. If he wants to spend time with you again, he will reach out to you. It is hard to find people with whom we feel that connection. It's not impossible, though. Keep moving forward. If he reaches out to you, then do what feels right. If he doesn't, then it's his loss and you will continue to be you. 1
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