I'm a morning person, bf is a night owl. he sleeps too much!

November 22, 2016

First of all, I have the same issue! I like to get up at maybe 8 or 9. 10 tops! My boyfriend will stay up till 4 am everynight and then wake up at 1 or 2 pm! It bothers me as well, but I think its good that you aren't asking him to change his sleep schedule. I wouldn't change mine either for him. It can be difficult to cope with the different schedules though. I think you should just make plans later on in the day. Thats what I do. Or if we do have plans in the morning, I will call my boyfriend to wake him up or he sets an alarm. Just compromise with him. I feel that maybe if he goes to bed a little earlier and wakes up a little earlier it would benefit you, it can still be later then you, but at least you have some more time with him in the morning if he gets up at around 11.

November 22, 2016

I am a total night owl and not a morning person in the least bit, so I can understand your bf. (However, I do want to change this!) Having said that, it is very difficult to change this habit! It may be difficult for him to pull off too, and he may not even have the willingness too. 1pm is pretty late though! If I didn't have children, the latest I could sleep in was about 11am even if I was up until 4am. Funny, even with children I'm still up until 1-2am and have to wake up at 7am to get them to school. My mornings are very slow though and I'm very tired and fight the urge to crawl back into bed!

I think 10am is a good compromise on at least Saturday. You can start there

November 22, 2016

Honestly, if you're going to go the route of asking him to wake up at 10am, make sure that it's not a regular thing, and make sure that when you DO request it, there's a good reason for it. Like, if I was woken up at 10am to spend the day visiting a new place that's a 1hr drive away, that's a good reason and is fine on occasion. If you wake me up at 10am just to sit around or take a walk in the park and then go home... I will freaking cut you.

Do NOT insist on 10am every single weekend day. That's a surefire recipe for resentment. If you're going to do that you might as well break up with him right away - that's as preposterous as him expecting you to stay up til 2am with him every weekend because he wants to watch midnight movies with you.

November 22, 2016

I really don't get why it's considered 'wasting time' for a couple to watch a few shows together late at night, with some drinks and cuddles in the mix. Does everything in life really have to be about productivity or physical activity?

I would never date a TV addict, but I also couldn't date someone who couldn't chill out at home with me a few nights a week and had to be on the go 24/7.

I totally agree. All these early birds going on about getting up, getting out and getting stuff done....where is the spontaneity?

The OP plans activities from 7am for the two of them. Another goes on 50 mile bike rides at 6am. Then say what is there to do at night anyway and they are in bed by 10pm. What a miserable and joyless relationship.

The best weekends I've had is where we sleep in, spend the morning having sex watching tv, having a leisurely breakfast. Going out in the evening to a movie / cocktails and getting home late and curling up together and taking in the wee hours.

I happen to think that the OPs bf is too extreme and that 1pm is wasting the day but as a general rule why is it lazy to lie in and use your leisure time to actually relax?

Especially with the OP and her planned activities from 7am, leaving no room for spontaneity, early birds tend to be control freaks. As with the OP and other early birds I've known, they just cant bloody let others alone to live their lives as they choose.

Edited November 22, 2016 by ElizabethIII

November 22, 2016

Some of the rudeness in this thread is pretty astounding. Nighttime people aren't inherently lazy and morning people aren't controlling. Spontaneity can happen at any time of day.

If you're a morning person, that's the best time of the day. It's when you want to spend time together!

If you're a night person, that's the best time of the day. It's when you want to spend time together!

Morning people don't need alarm clocks to get up early - that's just their natural rhythm.

Night people don't need coffee to stay up late - that's just their natural rhythm.

So, yes, you can make compromises -- he'll get up early when she has something special planned for the daytime and she'll stay up late when he has something special planned for the night -- but I think people have innate circadian rhythms that determine when they are most likely to enjoy activities, including spending time with a partner.

November 22, 2016

Some of the rudeness in this thread is pretty astounding. Nighttime people aren't inherently lazy and morning people aren't controlling. Spontaneity can happen at any time of day.

If you're a morning person, that's the best time of the day. It's when you want to spend time together!

If you're a night person, that's the best time of the day. It's when you want to spend time together!

Morning people don't need alarm clocks to get up early - that's just their natural rhythm.

Night people don't need coffee to stay up late - that's just their natural rhythm.

You're right, I don't know why this has turned into who's right and who's wrong. They both are different life styles, periods. If both are attached to their respective life style than there is no point forcing a relationship out of it. Resentment will build and sour the relationship.

Again, dating is about figuring out if we're compatible. OP is learning very early they have a major life style difference so they compromise or they say good bye.

November 22, 2016

You guys really are two extremes. Not many people make plans for 7 am on weekends, unless they are skiing, golfing, hunting or something else that specifically requires that early morning wake-up.

But the flip side of the coin is that not many adults sleep till 1 pm on a weekend either unless they were out late the night before. For me that is a waste of a day off.

Especially given that he's going over to your house to spend time with you because you can't during the week, can't he make the extra effort to not spend the time staying up late watching football?

It seems like a stupid thing to break up over, but if you guys aren't going to have a 6 hour overlap of days everytime you see each other, and can barely see each other due to distance, it might be a big enough issue.

November 23, 2016

I agree that sleeping until 1pm is a bit extreme. Though... I know how hard it is for me to wake up before *my time*, even when I go to bed early... i wake up naturally between 10 and 11am. Waking up before that is torture. Even if I sleep for 9h, if I have to wake up before 10, I feel like I've hardly slept. Whereas even if I only had 6h and wake up at 11 I feel fine.

In any case, it's all about compromise. And sensible people should be able to work it out in a way that suits them both.

November 23, 2016

Some people need extra hours of sleep on weekends, due to sleep deprivation on weekdays. There's nothing wrong with sleeping for more than 10 hours straight if your body requires that.

I'm also a night owl and sleep 02-12 everyday, even longer on weekends when I work night shifts.

I have been with someone who used to shame my sleeping habits and it's just ridiculous. Nobody is entitled to your body and your sleep. Being a morning person is not better than being a night owl. Personally, I don't feel like I'm wasting the morning sleeping in, because being active during the night is much more enjoyable for me.

A relationship that would require me to wake up early and feel constantly tired would soon become a hassle. So OP, either accept your partners physical needs or ask for a small compromise, but don't require them to wake up early, it's horrible for a night owl.

November 23, 2016

The thing is that if it bothers YOU that he sleeps late - but it doesn't bother HIM that you don't - then any actual compromise would be for you, not for him.

So, if you do reach a compromise - please remember that he's the one doing the work for your sake.

We're not responsible for our physical needs - and there's no "morally correct" sleeping pattern.

That said, if my partner didn't have a problem with us spending much less time together because of differing patterns - and she didn't seem to want to work towards more time - then I'd take that as a sure sign of an uneven relationship and that's a red flag right there. That's because I don't engage in a relationship without wanting to spend a lot of time together, but that's just me.

It's very important to agree on things like that early on - or it will just be a world of hurt in the longer term.

November 23, 2016

The thing is that if it bothers YOU that he sleeps late - but it doesn't bother HIM that you don't - then any actual compromise would be for you, not for him.

That is it exactly. As far as we know, the OPs bf doesn't mind that she isn't willing to sit up all night with him, so he respects her sleeping pattern.

I said that early birds can be tiresome as I grew up with one. My sister has always been an early bird and I always a night owl. Every weekend and school holiday, she wouldnt ever let me sleep in beyond 8am. She started at 7am even on Sundays, pinching me, dragging my covers off and calling me lazy. If I didnt move she would drag me out of bed by the arm.

Even now that we are both grown women, she has never stopped picking on me for it. Last time I saw her and stayed with her, she went out early to get milk as she'd run out and when she came back I was up and had been for a bit and was showered and just hadnt got dressed yet. I was pottering around in my bath robe and I was going to make the coffee, etc when she got in. She went mad with me and shouted at me as it was disgraceful and lazy for me to be in my pajamas....at 9am on a Saturday? We didnt have any plans to out until the afternoon anyway.

I would add that I come alive at night and dont sleep until 1am sometimes, so sleeping in until 9am is about right. My sister is asleep early on the couch every night. I dont know why I go and stay with her, she sleeps from the early evening on the sofa after dinner and you cant watch a movie or talk to her, she will sleep until bedtime and then sleep until about 6:30. I will be awake the whole time she is asleep on the sofa and awake until 1am or later. But the thing is, I leave her alone and respect her sleeping pattern. I dont shake her to wake her up when she sleeps on the sofa or call her lazy. She is the one who has a problem with me and cannot see that my pattern of sleep is just different to hers.

It is just interesting that the night owls dont try and force the early birds to stay up late, but evidenced by this thread and who Ive dealt with, the early birds just cant accept someone elses sleep pattern.

Edited November 23, 2016 by ElizabethIII

November 23, 2016

That is it exactly. As far as we know, the OPs bf doesn't mind that she isn't willing to sit up all night with him, so he respects her sleeping pattern.

I said that early birds can be tiresome as I grew up with one. My sister has always been an early bird and I always a night owl. Every weekend and school holiday, she wouldnt ever let me sleep in beyond 8am. She started at 7am even on Sundays, pinching me, dragging my covers off and calling me lazy. If I didnt move she would drag me out of bed by the arm.

Even now that we are both grown women, she has never stopped picking on me for it. Last time I saw her and stayed with her, she went out early to get milk as she'd run out and when she came back I was up and had been for a bit and was showered and just hadnt got dressed yet. I was pottering around in my bath robe and I was going to make the coffee, etc when she got in. She went mad with me and shouted at me as it was disgraceful and lazy for me to be in my pajamas....at 9am on a Saturday? We didnt have any plans to out until the afternoon anyway.

I would add that I come alive at night and dont sleep until 1am sometimes, so sleeping in until 9am is about right. My sister is asleep early on the couch every night. I dont know why I go and stay with her, she sleeps from the early evening on the sofa after dinner and you cant watch a movie or talk to her, she will sleep until bedtime and then sleep until about 6:30. I will be awake the whole time she is asleep on the sofa and awake until 1am or later. But the thing is, I leave her alone and respect her sleeping pattern. I dont shake her to wake her up when she sleeps on the sofa or call her lazy. She is the one who has a problem with me and cannot see that my pattern of sleep is just different to hers.

It is just interesting that the night owls dont try and force the early birds to stay up late, but evidenced by this thread and who Ive dealt with, the early birds just cant accept someone elses sleep pattern.

I guess I'm sort of the exception, because I've had just about any pattern you can name.

When I was younger, I had what you could easily consider extreme sleep patterns. Going to bed around 8-9 AM and getting up at 3+ PM.

I had both friends and family bother me A LOT about it - but I basically just told them to stuff it. So, it wasn't a big deal for me.

That said, if I had had a girlfriend at the time - I wouldn't mind adjusting it for her - and meeting her halfway.

But you can't expect that without some kind of an agreement. It's not an implicit thing, to my mind.

Strangely enough, I'm much more of an early bird as I've gotten older. Very much like the people who used to annoy me in the past

I don't remember differing patterns being a big deal in any of my relationships. In my last one, she generally slept later than I did - and I simply enjoyed my time alone.

One thing that DID bother me a little, was that she had a tendency to sleep during the day quite often - which was a little disruptive. Sleep as in 1-3 hour naps after work.

But I don't recall a serious talk or anything like that as a result.

November 23, 2016

I guess I'm sort of the exception, because I've had just about any pattern you can name.

When I was younger, I had what you could easily consider extreme sleep patterns. Going to bed around 8-9 AM and getting up at 3+ PM.

I had both friends and family bother me A LOT about it - but I basically just told them to stuff it. So, it wasn't a big deal for me.

That said, if I had had a girlfriend at the time - I wouldn't mind adjusting it for her - and meeting her halfway.

But you can't expect that without some kind of an agreement. It's not an implicit thing, to my mind.

Strangely enough, I'm much more of an early bird as I've gotten older. Very much like the people who used to annoy me in the past

I don't remember differing patterns being a big deal in any of my relationships. In my last one, she generally slept later than I did - and I simply enjoyed my time alone.

One thing that DID bother me a little, was that she had a tendency to sleep during the day quite often - which was a little disruptive. Sleep as in 1-3 hour naps after work.

But I don't recall a serious talk or anything like that as a result.

The 1-3 hour nap thing would annoy me too. My sister also has a nap in the middle of the day. So she is up at 6am, asleep for at least an hour in the day and then asleep from 9pm on the sofa.

But I am lazy to her. I very rarely nap in the day. It's unheard of.

I think my sleep pattern will change too as you need less and less sleep as you age.

Thing is, I can be an early bird because I have to be. Work starts at 9am. I need to get in early, so am up before 7am and out by 7:30 for work. It is just when I have a day off, I revert to my normal sleep patterns of sleeping in a bit later on weekends.

I do think the OPs boyfriend is far too extreme, all that said. I am a night owl myself. But if a partner slept in until 1pm everytime, they would wake up and find me gone. I would just go home.

November 23, 2016

One thing that DID bother me a little, was that she had a tendency to sleep during the day quite often - which was a little disruptive. Sleep as in 1-3 hour naps after work.

Small naps during the day are now considered good practice and healthy, especially if you are unable to get enough sleep at night, ie 7-9 hours a night.

November 23, 2016

The 1-3 hour nap thing would annoy me too. My sister also has a nap in the middle of the day. So she is up at 6am, asleep for at least an hour in the day and then asleep from 9pm on the sofa.

But I am lazy to her. I very rarely nap in the day. It's unheard of.

I think my sleep pattern will change too as you need less and less sleep as you age.

Thing is, I can be an early bird because I have to be. Work starts at 9am. I need to get in early, so am up before 7am and out by 7:30 for work. It is just when I have a day off, I revert to my normal sleep patterns of sleeping in a bit later on weekends.

I do think the OPs boyfriend is far too extreme, all that said. I am a night owl myself. But if a partner slept in until 1pm everytime, they would wake up and find me gone. I would just go home.

To be honest, I would love to nap during the day on occasion - but I just can't seem to fall asleep. Most I can manage is to partially doze off - and that's it.

But I really don't think there's a way to establish what's right or wrong here.

The key is that both parties are happy in the relationship - and if one part is missing time together, while the other doesn't mind - I'd take that very seriously, sooner rather than later.

November 23, 2016

Small naps during the day are now considered good practice and healthy, especially if you are unable to get enough sleep at night, ie 7-9 hours a night.

I'll run that past my boss. I'm sure he will let me sleep on my office floor in the open plan.

It doesn't mean people can nap during the day.

November 23, 2016

I'll run that past my boss. I'm sure he will let me sleep on my office floor in the open plan.

It doesn't mean people can nap during the day.

But if you are working then it is really up to you to make sure you get enough sleep at night or take your naps when you get home or during your breaks maybe.

November 23, 2016

But if you are working then it is really up to you to make sure you get enough sleep at night or take your naps when you get home or during your breaks maybe.

I said earlier. I never nap. Naps in the day are not possible for most people.

My sister the amazing early bird who is up at 6am, naps in the afternoon and is asleep at 9pm, right through to 6am again. She doesnt even work but has always needed naps in the day.

But I am lazy as I sleep in until 9am on weekends. Right.

For the most part the early birds force their sleep patterns on others and night owls do not. I've never forced anyone to stay awake with me.

November 23, 2016

For the most part the early birds force their sleep patterns on others and night owls do not. I've never forced anyone to stay awake with me.

I do agree with that, early birds do tend to adopt the moral high ground and often try to force their lifestyle onto others as they are "right".

November 23, 2016

The thing is that if it bothers YOU that he sleeps late - but it doesn't bother HIM that you don't - then any actual compromise would be for you, not for him.

So, if you do reach a compromise - please remember that he's the one doing the work for your sake.

Agreed completely. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as she reciprocates in other ways, but it should not be taken for granted.

November 23, 2016

As the OP hasn't been back, we will close this up and give them a chance to catch up. They can request the thread reopened via the "Alert us" button. ~T

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I'm a morning person, bf is a night owl. he sleeps too much!

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