I'm a morning person, bf is a night owl. he sleeps too much!

[falxmanolo]

Hey!

My bf and I have only been dating for two months. Early days indeed! We spend the weekends together as we are about 1 hour away from each other and live in different towns and work commitments don't let us see each other everyday etc.

 

Background- this man is incredible! He is a warm and sincere guy and I am happy with what we have.

 

Of late, I've noticed that whenever he comes over to stay overnight, he ends up staying up watching football beyond 2 am (my normal bedtime is 10 pm, but I've been sleeping at 1 Am given new relationship happenings) and wakes up SO LATE! I'm up and kicking at 7 am and I end up planning these activities for the two of us which hasn't materialised because he's just sleeping??? I am finding it so frustrating and I know communication is key but are things like sleep habits beyond negotiation? I know I wouldn't stay up till 2 am everyday just for him, so I naturally don't expect him to but his sleeping in till 1 pm on weekends is really starting to upset me! How do we approach this? Any and all suggestions welcome

[Els]

You're planning activities starting at 7am on weekends???? Yeah, that's just nuts. Sorry.

 

Why can't you do your own stuff on weekend mornings and you can spend the afternoons and evenings doing stuff with him? You don't need to spend 100% of your leisure time together. Even with just afternoons and evenings you'd have about 8 hrs x 2 together, which is a good amount of time.

 

If it's something that REALLY can't be done after 1pm, then you could ask for a compromise and he could try to wake up at 10am or something. Just don't insist on 7am, that's absolute torture for a night owl.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Elswyth

[Erik30]

I'm also a night owl, there's no way I would get up at 7 AM on my day off so I totally get your bf, sorry. It's just a different lifestyle, staying up late and sleeping in. Maybe you guys can reach a comprimise.

[introverted1]

Sleeping until 1pm?! :eek:

 

I think a 10am compromise works.

 

That said, IME, it's hard to pair a morning person with a night owl. The schedules and energy levels never synch up.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hey!

My bf and I have only been dating for two months. Early days indeed! We spend the weekends together as we are about 1 hour away from each other and live in different towns and work commitments don't let us see each other everyday etc.

 

Background- this man is incredible! He is a warm and sincere guy and I am happy with what we have.

 

Of late, I've noticed that whenever he comes over to stay overnight, he ends up staying up watching football beyond 2 am (my normal bedtime is 10 pm, but I've been sleeping at 1 Am given new relationship happenings) and wakes up SO LATE! I'm up and kicking at 7 am and I end up planning these activities for the two of us which hasn't materialised because he's just sleeping??? I am finding it so frustrating and I know communication is key but are things like sleep habits beyond negotiation? I know I wouldn't stay up till 2 am everyday just for him, so I naturally don't expect him to but his sleeping in till 1 pm on weekends is really starting to upset me! How do we approach this? Any and all suggestions welcome

 

Sleeping until 1PM!?!?!? WTfrick! Let's say he gets to bed by 4AM, he's getting more than 8 hours of sleep. Oh, heck no would I let that go.

 

What 'football' is on until 2AM????

 

I am a morning person and typically do not sleep beyond 6AM on any given day. Love the mornings, quiet, and I do my best work during the wee-hours of the day. Normally up by 430-5. There is certainly a compromise to be had here. Sleeping until 1PM, an adult, more than 7-8 hours of sleep, wasting an entire morning, is bologna. Normal people get things done during the mid and late morning hours and that includes spending recreational time during the weekends. He's not single and only thinking of himself.

 

You need to have a talk with him and compromise on the time and plan ahead of time and not just the morning of, so that he has time to get to bed a few hours earlier. I applaud you for taking the time to plan. Your bf should see how unreasonable that much sleep or that sleeping habit is to the relationship if it happens too often.

Edited November 20, 2016 by simpleNfit

[elaine567]

7-9 hours sleep is now what is considered optimum for an adult 18-64 yo to stay healthy, after 64 yo it is 8 hours.

Sleep deprivation whichh is very common in our modern world has been found to be associated with heart disease, diabetes, poor mental health and reduced life expectancy.

Sleep duration recommendations

 

If he is up watching football till 3-4am then sleeping till 1pm is not too much sleep.

 

He cannot just change into a lark anymore than you can just change into being a night owl.

 

Are you getting enough sleep?

[Raena]

Sleeping until 1PM!?!?!? WTfrick! Let's say he gets to bed by 4AM, he's getting more than 8 hours of sleep. Oh, heck no would I let that go.

 

What 'football' is on until 2AM????

 

I am a morning person and typically do not sleep beyond 6AM on any given day. Love the mornings, quiet, and I do my best work during the wee-hours of the day. Normally up by 430-5. There is certainly a compromise to be had here. Sleeping until 1PM, an adult, more than 7-8 hours of sleep, wasting an entire morning, is bologna. Normal people get things done during the mid and late morning hours and that includes spending recreational time during the weekends. He's not single and only thinking of himself.

 

You need to have a talk with him and compromise on the time and plan ahead of time and not just the morning of, so that he has time to get to bed a few hours earlier. I applaud you for taking the time to plan. Your bf should see how unreasonable that much sleep or that sleeping habit is to the relationship if it happens too often.

 

This is precisely why night owls and early riser don't mix well... this attitude that you've exhuded in this post. It's insulting to assume that your mode of sleeping is better than others and that he needs to change.

 

I'm an adult and I consider myself to be pretty darn normal but if push came to shove... I'd sleep all day and stay up all night in a heartbeat. I still manage to get done everything I need to get done even if I sleep in. If I could, I'd work nights and sleep days. I've always been that way and the only thing that changed it was becoming a parent and having to work early mornings. I still sleep late every chance I get. Heck, I send my son to visit with grandma periodically just so I can sleep in.

 

That being said... when I was living with an early riser we made accommodations for this. If he wanted to do something during the day, he'd warn me in advance and I'd get up early. But he also made time for me to snuggle up and sleep in when I needed it. He'd get up early and do his own thing until I woke up. It was never really an issue. It seems like you need to do the same OP... Make a plan for those days when you really want to go do something earlier. But please.... 7 am on a weekend is absolute torture to a night owl. Keep that in mind when you two decide on how to compromise about this.

[Gr8fuln2020]

7-9 hours sleep is now what is considered optimum for an adult 18-64 yo to stay healthy, after 64 yo it is 8 hours.

Sleep deprivation whichh is very common in our modern world has been found to be associated with heart disease, diabetes, poor mental health and reduced life expectancy.

Sleep duration recommendations

 

If he is up watching football till 3-4am then sleeping till 1pm is not too much sleep.

 

He cannot just change into a lark anymore than you can just change into being a night owl.

 

Are you getting enough sleep?

 

Nice. Those studies are a generalization of the effects of sleep one way or anther and DO NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. You sleep as much as you need to sleep and predefined # of hours recommending them is not gospel nor applicable to many people. Do a little more googling and you'll find evidence, research showing that those sleep recommendations are not meant to be gospel. I have been going on around 5-6 hours of sleep for decades and I have more energy, healthier then most of the population.

 

The important point here is that the bf is sleeping through a very important part of the morning when it is not necessary. And, oh, btw, sleep habits can are often changed. A transmogrification from a lark to a night owl is a poor analogy.

[Gaeta]

I was married 15 years with a man like him and I had a long miserable life with him. He slept till 1 pm sometimes 2 pm each Saturday and Sunday. I tried everything to explain to him that he was sleeping through our our life and being a father is not about sleeping till 2 pm all weekends long.

 

He did the same on week days. He's stay up all night watching sport so when he got home after work he wold fall asleep on the couch right away. I was unable to wake him up for dinner so our daughter and I ate dinner while him sleeping on the couch most days of the week. By the time he woke up it was time for our daughter to go to bed.

 

When I left him 15 years later one of the first thing i resented him for was to have slept though our marriage.

 

If you want your life to be happening in the real and not always be waiting on a man that sleeps I suggest you terminate this relationship and find yourself a man that values getting up at a reasonable hour.

[Els]

Nice. Those studies are a generalization of the effects of sleep one way or anther and DO NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. You sleep as much as you need to sleep and predefined # of hours recommending them is not gospel nor applicable to many people. Do a little more googling and you'll find evidence, research showing that those sleep recommendations are not meant to be gospel. I have been going on around 5-6 hours of sleep for decades and I have more energy, healthier then most of the population

.

 

Unfortunately almost all peer reviewed evidence disagrees with your anecdotal perspective.

 

The important point here is that the bf is sleeping through a very important part of the morning when it is not necessary. And, oh, btw, sleep habits can are often changed. A transmogrification from a lark to a night owl is a poor analogy.

 

What exactly is so 'important' on weekends (for a child free couple) that absolutely NEEDS to be done in the early morning instead of the afternoon?

 

I hope you didn't take the lark and owl terms literally...

 

Anyway, it's really just about compatibility. Fortunately the SO and I are both night owls. I can't imagine being with someone who wanted to control what time I wake up on weekends, that would drive me nuts.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with Gaeta here,

My first husband was a shift worker. I acommmodated his shift patterns for 4 years until I could stand it no more. He was never available - either at work or asleep. At w/ends he was in bed until 12.00.noon or later, only getting up to watch afternoon sport on TV. Then he would stay up until midnight or later to watch more sport on TV.

 

So he went onto days. Nothing changed. He would sleep in the chair after the evening meal until about 10.00pm and then, as I was going to bed would start watching sport until at least midnight. At w/ends he followed the same pattern.

 

After we divorced it was such a relief to be able to have a complete night's sleep without being woken up at 1.00am when he came to bed.

 

If someone is an "owl" they will never be compatible with a "lark" - sorry OP, but I would finish this now unless you want a BF who sleeps through your relationship.

[Raena]

Nice. Those studies are a generalization of the effects of sleep one way or anther and DO NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. You sleep as much as you need to sleep and predefined # of hours recommending them is not gospel nor applicable to many people. Do a little more googling and you'll find evidence, research showing that those sleep recommendations are not meant to be gospel. I have been going on around 5-6 hours of sleep for decades and I have more energy, healthier then most of the population.

 

The important point here is that the bf is sleeping through a very important part of the morning when it is not necessary. And, oh, btw, sleep habits can are often changed. A transmogrification from a lark to a night owl is a poor analogy.

 

Sleep habits aren't as easy to change as you would think. I know, I've been fighting it for years myself. By nature, I'm a night owl. Something happens to me where I get a second wind around 9 pm and can't get to sleep until sometimes 3 or 4 am. I've tried everything, including forcing myself to stay awake until a normal bedtime the next day in the hopes that I could reset my clock. It never works for long. I tried nighttime sleeping pills. They made me so hungry that I would lay in bed starving and feeling tired but unable to fall asleep until I had something to snack on. And then... if I did take the pills, I'd wake up groggy and feeling disoriented all day the next day. I've tried breathing exercises, not eating or drinking anything caffeinated after 4 pm, yoga, meditation, calming music, aromatherapy. You name it, I've tried it. It just isn't that easy is my point. It's a battle I've been fighting for as long as I can remember.

[Gr8fuln2020]

This is precisely why night owls and early riser don't mix well... this attitude that you've exhuded in this post. It's insulting to assume that your mode of sleeping is better than others and that he needs to change.

 

I'm an adult and I consider myself to be pretty darn normal but if push came to shove... I'd sleep all day and stay up all night in a heartbeat. I still manage to get done everything I need to get done even if I sleep in. If I could, I'd work nights and sleep days. I've always been that way and the only thing that changed it was becoming a parent and having to work early mornings. I still sleep late every chance I get. Heck, I send my son to visit with grandma periodically just so I can sleep in.

 

That being said... when I was living with an early riser we made accommodations for this. If he wanted to do something during the day, he'd warn me in advance and I'd get up early. But he also made time for me to snuggle up and sleep in when I needed it. He'd get up early and do his own thing until I woke up. It was never really an issue. It seems like you need to do the same OP... Make a plan for those days when you really want to go do something earlier. But please.... 7 am on a weekend is absolute torture to a night owl. Keep that in mind when you two decide on how to compromise about this.

 

I do not believe my sleeping pattern, mode is better. Rather, the bf's is rather unreasonable and frankly, seems a little selfish. To waste an entire morning??? Come on!

 

I agree this may be an important lifestyle difference that may involve letting lose. I wonder if he has the same sleeping patterns when he works? If not, then he can certainly adjust when desired, needed. If not, he demonstrates that he is capable of functioning as required.

 

Again, OP, you should plan ahead to give him a heads up so he can accommodate an addition hour or two so that an entire morning is not wasted. He can surely do this.

[ASG]

Nice. Those studies are a generalization of the effects of sleep one way or anther and DO NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. You sleep as much as you need to sleep and predefined # of hours recommending them is not gospel nor applicable to many people. Do a little more googling and you'll find evidence, research showing that those sleep recommendations are not meant to be gospel. I have been going on around 5-6 hours of sleep for decades and I have more energy, healthier then most of the population.

 

The important point here is that the bf is sleeping through a very important part of the morning when it is not necessary. And, oh, btw, sleep habits can are often changed. A transmogrification from a lark to a night owl is a poor analogy.

 

Well, good for you on your 5h a day. I for one work best on 9-10h a day. True story!

I hate mornings, and waking up anytime before 10.30am is like torture. I'll happily stay up until 4am every day and sleep until 1pm.

Life starts after lunch for me. As it does for other people. But yeah, I guess that's difficult to comprehend for someone who's awake before I'm asleep most days...

 

 

As for the OP... you need to speak to him.It's unlikely he'll change his habits, but maybe you can find a compromise and have him be up and running by about 11, so you can do other things.

[Els]

I agree with Gaeta here,

My first husband was a shift worker. I acommmodated his shift patterns for 4 years until I could stand it no more. He was never available - either at work or asleep. At w/ends he was in bed until 12.00.noon or later, only getting up to watch afternoon sport on TV. Then he would stay up until midnight or later to watch more sport on TV.

 

So he went onto days. Nothing changed. He would sleep in the chair after the evening meal until about 10.00pm and then, as I was going to bed would start watching sport until at least midnight. At w/ends he followed the same pattern.

 

After we divorced it was such a relief to be able to have a complete night's sleep without being woken up at 1.00am when he came to bed.

 

If someone is an "owl" they will never be compatible with a "lark" - sorry OP, but I would finish this now unless you want a BF who sleeps through your relationship.

 

Your ex has a different issue - it sounds like he was glued to his TV and never wanted to go out. The OP has not said that her bf doesn't take her out on dates, all she said was that he couldn't make 7am activities that she had planned.

 

I still don't see what it is that you can do at 7am that can't be done at noon, unless you live in a really hot climate that precludes outdoor activities in the afternoon. If they spend the day together from noon till 9pm, is that really 'sleeping through the relationship'? How is that not enough time together?

[Poe77]

Hey!

My bf and I have only been dating for two months. Early days indeed! We spend the weekends together as we are about 1 hour away from each other and live in different towns and work commitments don't let us see each other everyday etc.

 

Background- this man is incredible! He is a warm and sincere guy and I am happy with what we have.

 

Of late, I've noticed that whenever he comes over to stay overnight, he ends up staying up watching football beyond 2 am (my normal bedtime is 10 pm, but I've been sleeping at 1 Am given new relationship happenings) and wakes up SO LATE! I'm up and kicking at 7 am and I end up planning these activities for the two of us which hasn't materialised because he's just sleeping??? I am finding it so frustrating and I know communication is key but are things like sleep habits beyond negotiation? I know I wouldn't stay up till 2 am everyday just for him, so I naturally don't expect him to but his sleeping in till 1 pm on weekends is really starting to upset me! How do we approach this? Any and all suggestions welcome

 

 

Whats so late? 7am is kinda really early my elderly nabors are up a bit before that im a night owl I literally stay up ALL night while my BF works nights thank god I was also a night owl so Im happy...its a really hard habit to break your internal clock literally gets set for cirtin times being nocturnal can make getting stuff done out in the 9-5 world a little tricky but its do able.

 

Honestly 2am to me isn't really that late even before we went on his over night schedule I wouldn't get to bed much before 3am and wake around noon..I dont see why he wouldn't want to work with you on this but I also wouldn't expect miracles maybe one weekend he makes a point to be up at a set time and the other he gets to sleep in its all about communication and compromise!

 

Def dont expect him to suddenly become a morning person cause thats prob not going to happen..this is something that can take time to adjust instead of going out at 8am try making plans for 11 and work from there..also if he has been seeing you also up later he might think you are fine with things you need to talk to him about it just dont be rigid work with each other..

[Gaeta]

She did not say she had planned activities for 7 a.m. She said she is up kicking at 7 am. Only to indicate she is a morning person. Also that her boyfriend sleeps till noon or 1 pm.

 

I know exactly how it unfolds, they get up at noon and need their time to wake up, get ready and it's like 2 pm by the time they have shaved and had a shower. An entire life of that is not everyone's cup of tea.

 

She wants him to wake up at a reasonable hours, like I wanted from my ex, I would have had no problem with him sleeping till 9 or 10 It had been reasonable.

 

It has nothing to do with warm climate or not. I live in Santa Clause country and won't endure a mate sleeping till noon every day of the weekend. It's not compatible with what I enjoy in life. I enjoy being up early, relaxing with a coffee and breakfast, making plans for the day, watching the early news, those are bounding moments to share with a mate.

 

I am not saying that there are good sleeping patterns and bad sleeping patterns but if the sleeping habits is not compatible with yours you should not enter in a relationship. It will only be frustration after frustrations and resentment build up.

 

Yes he is getting up at noon for watching sports. If he does that after 2 months dating you can bed he will do that X 10 after a year dating.

 

They are better to stick with people with similar sleep pattern.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Gaeta

[Els]

She did not say she had planned activities for 7 a.m. She said she is up kicking at 7 am. Only to indicate she is a morning person. Also that her boyfriend sleeps till noon or 1 pm.

 

I know exactly how it unfolds, they get up at noon and need their time to wake up, get ready and it's like 2 pm by the time they have shaved and had a shower. An entire life of that is not everyone's cup of tea.

 

She wants him to wake up at a reasonable hours, like I wanted from my ex, I would have had no problem with him sleeping till 9 or 10 It had been reasonable.

 

It has nothing to do with warm climate or not. I live in Santa Clause country and won't endure a mate sleeping till noon every day of the weekend. It's not compatible with what I enjoy in life. I enjoy being up early, relaxing with a coffee and breakfast, making plans for the day, watching the early news, those are bounding moments to share with a mate.

 

I am not saying sleeping there are good sleeping patterns and bad sleeping patterns but if the sleeping habits is not compatible with yours you should not enter in a relationship. It will only be frustration after frustrations and resentment build up.

 

Yes he is getting up at noon for watching sports. If he does that after 2 months dating you can bed he will do that X 10 after a year dating.

 

They are better to stick with people with similar sleep pattern.

 

Thanks for providing an example, and I agree that compatibility is important. I don't think I could be with a morning lark either. I like sex in the night, doing stuff together after a late dinner, going for brunch together at noon. So it's definitely your prerogative to want someone whose schedule matches yours as well.

 

Some of the other responses just confuse me though. If she's sleeping from 10 to 7 and he's sleeping from 3 to noon, why is he the one who is supposedly 'sleeping through their relationship'? If he wanted to bond at night, she would be sleeping and unable to do anything as well.

 

And then the example of TV addict guy. Would that have been so different if he had woken up at 7am, given that he would be at the TV anyway?

[Gaeta]

Some of the other responses just confuse me though. If she's sleeping from 10 to 7 and he's sleeping from 3 to noon, why is he the one who is supposedly 'sleeping through their relationship'? If he wanted to bond at night, she would be sleeping and unable to do anything as well.

 

I can only answer for myself. I felt my ex-h was sleeping through our life because we were parents. Because of his sleeping pattern he never had breakfast with us. Most of the time no lunch because he was still sleeping at lunch time. If he was up for noon then he didn't want to eat lunch he just wanted a coffee. He was grumpy and non receptive. He also slept during dinners on week days from being too tired. So basically he never had any meals with us as a family because of his sleeping pattern. Having meals together are important bonding moments for families.

 

Sometimes we had activities planned with friends like heading out to a brunch, going to the beach, park etc, we would always be late and miss part of the activity because I could not wake him up.

 

When friends asked him his help to move he'd say yes but he was never up for it and he'd get there in the middle of the day when other people had been there at 8 to help.

 

It not only had negative impacts on us as a couple but also on us as parents, on our friends and family as well.

 

And then the example of TV addict guy. Would that have been so different if he had woken up at 7am, given that he would be at the TV anyway?

In my case when there was no sports on tv he would watch movies. He had a different sleeping pattern he never tried to modify to adjust to a young family needs.

 

If example he had been in bed at a reasonable time and woken up at 8 or 9 to spend the rest of the morning watching sports on tv all morning, it does not seem as bad to me. At least he'd be up and interacting with wife and children. I don't know I imagine it wouldn't be as bad just because his body is up and there is a presence and possible interaction contrary as being in bed unconscious.

[elaine567]

Personally I do not think that those who love to be up at the crack of dawn and are raring to go at breakfast time and yawning their head off by 8pm, work well with those who get a second wind at 10pm and are wide awake well into the small hours and never really do anything productive till about 2pm.

It just leads to friction.

 

I believe it is inherent to one's own make up and no amount to saying it should be different or getting all judgemental and saying that people "should" be one way or the other will make it so.

[introverted1]

Some of the other responses just confuse me though. If she's sleeping from 10 to 7 and he's sleeping from 3 to noon, why is he the one who is supposedly 'sleeping through their relationship'?

 

He's not.

 

They're just on different schedules, which is why my initial post said that it's very difficult form morning and night people to enter relationship. Not only is there the surface stuff that comes when one person is up and ready to go at 7am while the other needs until 2pm, but this likely also indicates a difference in the types of activities they enjoy. One wants an early morning walk on the beach followed by a hearty breakfast and the other prefers to dance or drink the night away...

 

Of course as Gaeta mentioned, once kids are on the scene, schedules are out the window. Children tend to be morning risers (as well as have morning activities) and a lot of resentment can breed if one parent is left doing all the heavy lifting while the other one sleeps.

[basil67]

What 'football' is on until 2AM????

 

Hehe - you clearly don't have a partner who loves to watch international football. Time differences can make for diabolical viewing of live football.

 

For example, my husband likes the English Premier League and UEFA..and they get shown at their actual play time. We're in Australia.

[ElizabethIII]

Im a night owl but I wouldn't tolerate sleeping until 1pm.

 

A lie in for me at a weekend would be 9am.

 

I went out with an early bird once. Up at 6am and asleep on the sofa by 9pm. Spent every evening alone on the sofa listening to them snore.

 

No late night trips to movies. No late night dinners and drinks out. Nothing.

 

To my mind he was sleeping the relationship away.

[basil67]

Compromise is my answer. I think 10 - 10:30am would be a reasonable start time for most.

[spiderowl]

As a lifetime night owl, I can think I can say that you are both incompatible unless you accept his sleeping late (without resentment) and he accepts your early waking (also without resentment). A couple I know have always worked it between them - he does the early shift with the kids, she does the late one. But, I know I could not be with an early bird who resented me for sleeping late. There is no point continuing if you are going to feel unhappy about it. Seriously, people's body clocks don't change that easily. I have spent a lifetime trying to keep up with everyone else's body clocks (because the working day is structured around early birds) and it has been a nightmare.