what have i done wrong?

November 20, 2016

hi, i have being seeing this woman for over 2 months its been pretty good for the most part, when im with her its amazing and feels really special, she tells me that she feels the same with me. we've been moving quite slow and we live an hour apart but i am will to go to see her pretty much any night she wants.

last night we were both going out in different towns and i asked her what the rules were so to speak, she replied that there were no rules but we should tell the other is something happened. i suggested that id rather we said that we would not sleep with others from now on because if she told me next day she had slept with someone i would probably have to bail out. although i did not actually say i would bail out.

she than asked did i want exculsivity, i said only in regards to sex, and did not think it was that big a deal after seeing her for so long. then she got really guarded and accused me of trying to control her, and that this had come out of the blue and she was totally confused etc also that this could be a red flag wtf? i thought it was a compliment asking what i did. she then said she needed space to think? she asked me was i sleeping with any one, i said no, i asked her and she said no.

the day before she told me that the way it was going she would soon want me all to her self. and shes said plenty of things to express her feelings for me before. she seems to have had some pretty bad relationships in the past im not sure if this is playing into it or not im just totally flabergasted right now,

ive not heard any thing from her since last night i send and text saying i did not intend to contraol her in anyway and that i was hoping she would contact me to sort things out.

im not sure what to do or should i ever expect to hear from her again, totally confused.

Edited November 20, 2016 by an0nym0us123

November 20, 2016

When someone reports a string of previously bad relationships, I usually suspect that they are the problem. Either making continual bad choices in partners....or behaving badly in the relationship without recognising their own fault.

In this case, you've got a woman with a string of supposed bad relationships who thinks that you wanting exclusivity is being controlling. Red Flag alert! Before you know it, she'll be adding you to the list of the bad men she dated.

November 20, 2016

When someone reports a string of previously bad relationships, I usually suspect that they are the problem. Either making continual bad choices in partners....or behaving badly in the relationship without recognising their own fault.

In this case, you've got a woman with a string of supposed bad relationships who thinks that you wanting exclusivity is being controlling. Red Flag alert! Before you know it, she'll be adding you to the list of the bad men she dated.

and i only asked that we dont sleep with others she is still free to do anything else.

November 20, 2016

In my own mind, I would think that once two people who are dating begin to sleep together, a talk would be in order on the status of the relationship. Sex brings an emotional bond, and unless there is an understanding, dating and having sex with another person would be confusing, at least to me.

If you could press the reset button on that conversation about exclusivity, I would have probably suggested you say yes when she asked. A yes isn't controlling, it's stating your desire to give the relationship a fair chance. She's said some things to you that would signal she's interested in being exclusive, (wanting you all to herself). Maybe communicate that to her, tell her you have feelings developing and would like to see where the two of you are going. If there are free hall passes happening, it's taking a risk that "something" (and we all know what that is) might happen and then there's the complications that go with that. Maybe she's wondering about the communication from your end, thinking you're sending mixed signals yourself. Asking for space to think about it is a confusing mixed signal in and of itself. I would make an effort to clear things up, communicate your intentions and be clear about it. Then grant space, and wait and see.

November 20, 2016

In my own mind, I would think that once two people who are dating begin to sleep together, a talk would be in order on the status of the relationship. Sex brings an emotional bond, and unless there is an understanding, dating and having sex with another person would be confusing, at least to me.

If you could press the reset button on that conversation about exclusivity, I would have probably suggested you say yes when she asked. A yes isn't controlling, it's stating your desire to give the relationship a fair chance. She's said some things to you that would signal she's interested in being exclusive, (wanting you all to herself). Maybe communicate that to her, tell her you have feelings developing and would like to see where the two of you are going. If there are free hall passes happening, it's taking a risk that "something" (and we all know what that is) might happen and then there's the complications that go with that. Maybe she's wondering about the communication from your end, thinking you're sending mixed signals yourself. Asking for space to think about it is a confusing mixed signal in and of itself. I would make an effort to clear things up, communicate your intentions and be clear about it. Then grant space, and wait and see.

she is well aware i have feeling for her and she has told me she has feelings for me, we just said we'd move slow and date before commiting to a relationship. she tells me that the time she spends with me is very very good and i feel the same way when im with her. i just asked that we dont sleep with others from now on i did not rekon it was a big deal, but im not very good at this stuff. phone has gone quite, honestly not sure if ill ever hear from her now.

November 20, 2016

I think she thought you two were dating seriously.

She asked you if you wanted exclusivity and you said 'only in regards to sex'.

Maybe she think now that you've been dating others while you've been seeing her.

Using the words 'what are the rules' too is a bit odd if you are supposedly pretty much together (in her view). She said there are no rules (she didn't think rules were needed - she thought you two were pretty solid) except to say if anything happened meaning it wasn't even crossing her mind to get flirty with anyone else.

I'm afraid this did not come across as a compliment at all.

I wouldn't continue dating someone if this was their view after a couple of months.

November 20, 2016

I think she thought you two were dating seriously.

She asked you if you wanted exclusivity and you said 'only in regards to sex'.

Maybe she think now that you've been dating others while you've been seeing her.

Using the words 'what are the rules' too is a bit odd if you are supposedly pretty much together (in her view). She said there are no rules (she didn't think rules were needed - she thought you two were pretty solid) except to say if anything happened meaning it wasn't even crossing her mind to get flirty with anyone else.

I'm afraid this did not come across as a compliment at all.
I wouldn't continue dating someone if this was their view after a couple of months.

i asked her what the rules were, she said there were none but if something happened we should tell the other, she also said shes not stopping me from seeing others, she said a week ago that we never said we were exclusive. im so confused right now, there was no bad intent anywhere and im not dating anyone else.

November 20, 2016

also i did not want to be in a situation in a few moths where she says yes i was sleeping with someone else because you never said we couldnt

November 20, 2016

and i only asked that we dont sleep with others she is still free to do anything else.

To be honest, I find it really strange that you're OK with her dating, flirting and being chased by other men as long as she doesn't sleep with them. A very strange type of exclusivity.

I looked back at your previous posts about this woman and there seemed to be q lot of talk about not getting serious. Perhaps she feels your request for exclusivity goes against all you've been discussing with her.

November 20, 2016

To be honest, I find it really strange that you're OK with her dating, flirting and being chased by other men as long as she doesn't sleep with them. A very strange type of exclusivity.

I looked back at your previous posts about this woman and there seemed to be q lot of talk about not getting serious. Perhaps she feels your request for exclusivity goes against all you've been discussing with her.

to start with it was casual, but i told her i developed feelings and then she said she had developed feelings for me too. we said we would date and see what happens.

we are only seeing each other at this point we are not gf and bf and she knows that as well

im no bloody use at this i wish i knew how to fix it

November 20, 2016

I got a message to say she needs more time to think. she somehow feels i tried to force her into something. All i asked was that we not sleep with other people now since she can see me any night. i didnt think this was a big deal. if she asked me to not sleep with other people i would gladly and easily say yes.

November 20, 2016

Quit texting.

Call her, tell her you are not seeing anyone else and don't want to.

Tell her the rules question was a mistake and you were not planning on chatting any other woman up.

Tell her you were not trying to be controlling nor disrespectful but you fooked up with how you said it all. Apologise!!

Ask her if she would like to be your GF and make it official.

She has no idea where she stands in importance to you right now - I totally understand her point of view.

Make it clear - on a call - you still could lose her - she might think you are being insincere - but heck it's worth a try!

To me it sounds like she is stunned by your question and comments. No way would she want a guy who has his own rules for himself and different rules for her - this is how it's looking to her!

Right now she would be crazy to continue seeing you.

You need to clear this up! I think you actually want her as your gf. If I am wrong then don't ever contact her again - leave her be.

Otherwise:

Tell her the real deal. But talk, not text.

November 20, 2016

Quit texting.

Call her, tell her you are not seeing anyone else and don't want to.
Tell her the rules question was a mistake and you were not planning on chatting any other woman up.

Tell her you were not trying to be controlling nor disrespectful but you fooked up with how you said it all. Apologise!!

Ask her if she would like to be your GF and make it official.

She has no idea where she stands in importance to you right now - I totally understand her point of view.
Make it clear - on a call - you still could lose her - she might think you are being insincere - but heck it's worth a try!
To me it sounds like she is stunned by your question and comments. No way would she want a guy who has his own rules for himself and different rules for her - this is how it's looking to her!
Right now she would be crazy to continue seeing you.
You need to clear this up! I think you actually want her as your gf. If I am wrong then don't ever contact her again - leave her be.

Otherwise:
Tell her the real deal. But talk, not text.

i want to call but she said no. i dont have a set of rules for me and for her. i told her i put my had on my heart and said i am not seeing or sleeping with anyone and im not looking either, i deleted my dating profile after she did. i told her im very sorry and that i am so rubbish at this sort of thing. she told me 2 days ago she will soon want me all to her self.

she suggested there should be no rules, i assume she wanted to be free to sleep with who ever she wanted, even though she said she would tell me if it happened, but if it happened now i would probably bail out because we are too close now.

please tell me how it looks like i have one set of rules for me and one for her? all i asked was that we could say we date each other only to see if it works out.. i dont want to be dating a woman this seriously that would happily sleep with someone else and think it was cool cos "there are no rules" and im happy, delighted to play by the rules i suggested

Edited November 20, 2016 by an0nym0us123

November 20, 2016

please tell me how it looks like i have one set of rules for me and one for her? all i asked was that we could say we date each other only to see if it works out.. i dont want to be dating a woman this seriously that would happily sleep with someone else and think it was cool cos "there are no rules"

Re- read my last post and you'll know. You worded it all really badly.. Call it a learning curve.

I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to you - sorry, but I wouldn't want to either. I'd be done.

November 20, 2016

A) She only said there was no rules because you had not previously spoken about exclusivity. So up to then she was right, there was no rules between you 2.

B) She offered you exclusivity and you accepted the sexual exclusivity but rejected the emotional exclusivity. Which means she is good enough to F exclusively but not good enough for you to refrain looking for another mate. You offended her. I would have been offended as well.

C) Decide if you want sexual and emotional exclusivity with her. If you only want physical exclusivity than let her go, you cannot meet her expectations at this point. If you are ready to be sexually exclusive and emotionally exclusive than call her and tell her you want to be gf-bf and you are sorry you thought offering only sexual exclusivity was her wish that is why you suggested it.

D) Discuss what is being gf-bf means to you at this point, discuss time lines like you'd prefer dating a good 3 months before introducing family, friends etc.

November 20, 2016

A) She only said there was no rules because you had not previously spoken about exclusivity. So up to then she was right, there was no rules between you 2.

B) She offered you exclusivity and you accepted the sexual exclusivity but rejected the emotional exclusivity. Which means she is good enough to F exclusively but not good enough for you to refrain looking for another mate. You offended her. I would have been offended as well.

C) Decide if you want sexual and emotional exclusivity with her. If you only want physical exclusivity than let her go, you cannot meet her expectations at this point. If you are ready to be sexually exclusive and emotionally exclusive than call her and tell her you want to be gf-bf and you are sorry you thought offering only sexual exclusivity was her wish that is why you suggested it.

D) Discuss what is being gf-bf means to you at this point, discuss time lines like you'd prefer dating a good 3 months before introducing family, friends etc.

i didnt mean for it to come across that way

November 21, 2016

just to clear up things here as i seem to be getting the brunt of the blame here. we discussed exclusivity about 10 days ago and she didnt want it, she suggested "No rules" before we went out, the truth is i would not have felt comfortable about going back with her if she had a one night stand, i believed we had gone far enough for that to stop. i asked her that we both dont have sex with anyone else because i knew i would have to get out of it if she said she had had a one night stand and i did not want to have to face that because i felt quite highly of her.

i sent one more text today apollogising for the way i went about it and tried to explain that i wasnt trying to control her. i honestly still dont understand why i got such a reaction, i mean, supposing some day i ask her to be my gf is she going to do the same? ill be scared to ask now if she ever comes back. i dont know if shes projecting past experiences on me or maybe she doesnt mean what she says to me and how she feels about me and is looking for an excuse to get out i don't know. anyway you live and learn i guess. tbh im not expecting a reply so i will move on in a few days. thanks for the help

November 21, 2016

just to clear up things here as i seem to be getting the brunt of the blame here. we discussed exclusivity about 10 days ago and she didnt want it, she suggested "No rules" before we went out, the truth is i would not have felt comfortable about going back with her if she had a one night stand, i believed we had gone far enough for that to stop. i asked her that we both dont have sex with anyone else because i knew i would have to get out of it if she said she had had a one night stand and i did not want to have to face that because i felt quite highly of her.

As per your original post during that same conversation she offered you exclusivity right after that.

November 21, 2016

As per your original post during that same conversation she offered you exclusivity right after that.

she didn't she said in the same conversation that she was happy the way things were! and i said in the convo following her asking if i wanted exclusive that i would take it if she had no issue with it!

November 21, 2016

But that's not what she wanted to hear that is why she got guarded.

she than asked did i want exculsivity, i said only in regards to sex, and did not think it was that big a deal after seeing her for so long

I think she was hoping for a gf-bf offer. Like you said, after seeing her for so long....a woman expect more than just a FWB offer.

November 21, 2016

But that's not what she wanted to hear that is why she got guarded.

she than asked did i want exculsivity, i said only in regards to sex, and did not think it was that big a deal after seeing her for so long

I think she was hoping for a gf-bf offer. Like you said, after seeing her for so long....a woman expect more than just a FWB offer.

she knows im open to exclusivity she doesn't want it just yet, she thinks im controlling her for bringing this up just before we went out?

November 21, 2016

she knows im open to exclusivity she doesn't want it just yet, she thinks im controlling her for bringing this up just before we went out?

I have no idea where you see she sees you as controlling before you went out.

If she thought you were controlling why would she offer you exclusivity? If she didn't want it yet then, again, why would she offer it to you?

November 21, 2016

She got out of control because you had just offered her a FWB exclusivity which she viewed as controlling yes. Not because she wanted to sleep around but because she wanted, I think, a real gf-bf offer. As in you want to invest yourself in a relationship with her and not just be exclusive sexually to keep her from sleeping around.

November 21, 2016

It's pretty interesting reading all the women's replies on here.

It's almost like they are speaking another language.

I read this as he wanted exclusivity, she didn't, so he asked could they at least be exclusive in regard to sex.

Where as the ladies all read it as he told her he didn't want to be exclusive, but preferred she didn't bang others.

Admittingly I haven't read the OPs other posts, but still interesting to see the different interpretations based on the same information.

FWIW, OP I think you should either have a f buddy or a GF,

so either you both do what you want (which to me sounds like what she wants) or you discuss being in a relationship.

November 21, 2016

the day before she told me that the way it was going she would soon want me all to her self. and shes said plenty of things to express her feelings for me before.

And you offered her a FWB deal ! Why oh why?

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