biker23 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 I have a couple ex gfs where I am friends. One we are very good platonic friends but we had been intimate for a short time at the beginning. But now we just get along great and she is in a great relationship. The other is my most recent. We seemed to be getting back together but then I met my current gf who is amazing. We've been dating for 3 months. We are even going on a trip over thanksgiving something I never did with either ex. I bring this up because my new gf believes you can never be friends with exs because in her experience they always want more. And thus I've been distancing myself from these two exs so she doesn't get any impression that I'm cheating. During our first month of dating when not exclusive I had gone to dinner with the latest ex as a celebration of a new job. It was with her kids and another couple. They took a pic and tagged me on FB. My new GF confronted me on it 10 days later. Said we looked like a family and I looked so happy. I told her the truth that it wasn't romantic. It was an evening that challenged us. We didn't fight but it was contentious which ended up bringing us closer. If that makes sense. Honestly seeing my ex makes me more certain that this new GF is amazing and better for me. That said I like my ex as a person and it makes me sad to think I need to cut her out of my life. I have relationships with her young kids also. Is it healthily to be friends with an ex? Is it right for a new GF to basically state she doesn't like me being friends with an ex. She hasn't demanded anything. Let me be clear. It's been 2 weeks since I've spoken to my ex and I've thought about texting to see how her new job is going but so far have decided it's not a good idea. She hasn't texted me either which is unusual so I feel something has occurred. Maybe it's just the early stages of my new relationship. Honestly when I spend so much time with my new gf I don't even think or remember my ex.
darkmoon Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 the ex should move on, and you have a duty to not talk to her, I agree with your girlfriend 2
salparadise Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Is it healthily to be friends with an ex? Is it right for a new GF to basically state she doesn't like me being friends with an ex. Healthy? Not unless you need more drama. Do you? Yes, it's perfectly fine for new GF to say what she feels. In fact, I'd venture to say that most new GFs would not be extremely accommodating with regard to you keeping the ex-gf around. is that difficult to understand? 1
ASG Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 I see no problem with exes being friends. However... If the ex is very recent, friendship is probably not what the relationship is. I am friendly with all but 1 ex. I wouldn't say FRIENDS, but we do meet up occasionally and catch up. I'm friends with all of them of FB. It's all good. My mom and dad are VERY close. My mom has been married to my step dad for nearly 20 years now. There is nothing untoward there and my step dad is well aware of it and doesn't mind one bit. Him and his ex are fairly close as well. 2
elaine567 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Being "friends" with exes is great for YOU, if you are no longer emotionally invested. Trouble is that usually one of the "friends" IS emotionally invested and that usually spells big trouble for new relationships. New relationships tend to be hard enough without having to continually bat off an ex or exes, or trying to steer new gfs/bfs away from their ex(es). Few people will put up with exes occupying a space in their relationship, especially if there are non biological kids involved like here. People will tolerate their partner's own kids but not the kids of exes, as that means almost indefinite close contact with the ex. Few would want to be part of that set up. Your gf is correct, she needs your full attention, otherwise this is going nowhere and she will bail. Do not assume that the "challenge" you encountered over that evening with your ex, brought you and your gf closer. She will not forget that and I guess, it has been duly noted and stored away. That was a red flag for her that she chose to ignore, as she believes it will not happen again. She has made it perfectly clear what she thinks of exes, if you continue to "challenge" her, and maintain close contact with your exes, then you do so at your own peril. 2
l8estnews Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Nope, there's a thread now where the ex of her husband is so head over heels with his ex. For me, you really have to know the nature of the relationship and the break-up for this to be allowed.
Methodical Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 I think exes can be friends. Hopefully, amid the discussion with your current gf, you explained that your ex is a good person, but you weren't a good couple, hence the reason she is now your ex. I see two scenarios here. Your current gf was pissed bc you "went behind her back and saw your ex", or she is insecure, maybe both. You weren't obligated to tell her your plans, especially since you weren't exclusive at the time. Is it possible that in the future you could invite her to such celebrations? If not, you may want to cut ties as a show of respect for her concern.
Author biker23 Posted November 20, 2016 Author Posted November 20, 2016 I think exes can be friends. Hopefully, amid the discussion with your current gf, you explained that your ex is a good person, but you weren't a good couple, hence the reason she is now your ex. I see two scenarios here. Your current gf was pissed bc you "went behind her back and saw your ex", or she is insecure, maybe both. You weren't obligated to tell her your plans, especially since you weren't exclusive at the time. Is it possible that in the future you could invite her to such celebrations? If not, you may want to cut ties as a show of respect for her concern. This is what I have done. No contact in respect of our relationship. I do feel there is a chance in the future to meet as friends but not this early building stage. One of the things I love about my new girl is her moral character and how she brings these discussion points up. She literally asked me to dinner to make sure we were not at my place or hers to discuss the FB photo. Challenged me by saying maybe we should just be friends. This was duly noted as I was ready to give her 100% attention. Part of this discussion was during this same time I figured out she went on a couple OLD dates with a new guy. I wanted to discuss that. She was clear she certainly hadn't told me and she didn't kiss or hold hands with this guy. And it was very different than an ex. Basically this new relationship is worth more to me than the ex friendship. And I agree with the points made about drama. Yes this ex I believe to be jealous as I stated before we were close to getting back together before I met this new woman.
PogoStick Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Talk with you girlfriend and ask about her FEELINGS regarding your exs. How does it make her feel? What is she afraid of? Does it make her jealous? Then give acknowledgement of her feelings so she feels heard. I'm friends with many exs to varying degrees, including my ex wife. We didn't have kids so there doesn't need to be any ties, but we've kept in contact. Hell, we used to give each other dating advice for years after our divorce. If anything, I'd say it shows that you're an even better guy since you can have an amicable breakup and the women still like you enough to stay friends. And bottom line: are you willing to accept a new girlfriend who cannot tolerate your friends? Is she willing to compromise and make this work? How long until she is jealous of female coworkers, etc?
Gaeta Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 One of the things I love about my new girl is her moral character and how she brings these discussion points up. She literally asked me to dinner to make sure we were not at my place or hers to discuss the FB photo. Challenged me by saying maybe we should just be friends. This was duly noted as I was ready to give her 100% attention. Part of this discussion was during this same time I figured out she went on a couple OLD dates with a new guy. I wanted to discuss that. She was clear she certainly hadn't told me and she didn't kiss or hold hands with this guy. And it was very different than an ex. Basically this new relationship is worth more to me than the ex friendship. And I agree with the points made about drama. Yes this ex I believe to be jealous as I stated before we were close to getting back together before I met this new woman. To me that sounds more manipulative than anything else. She isolated you in a public place as if her security was at risk, where you'd be limited in expressing yourself (she wanted to get 100% of your attention big BS, you are not 12), and she then threw around threats like maybe you should just be friends. You call that good moral character? If you like your balls being in a tight nutcracker than you've got your girl. And that same good moral character allowed herself to judge you while going out on dated with other men? I would not get rid of a good friendship for that one.
OatsAndHall Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 I had an ex girlfriend that I close to and had a platonic relationship with. It was nice to talk to her and catch up here and there but it ended when she became heavily involved with another man (she ended up marrying him) as he wasn't comfortable with us talking. I was fine with that as it is more for her to maintain a healthy relationship than it is to keep contact with me. Her and I never would have been anything other than friends but she needed to break ties for the sake of her marriage. He was initially understanding and her and I would only have communication when she wasn't doing something with her husband and family which was completely understandable. So, he tried, it didn't work and he asked her not to talk to me. Done and done. People view this as a trust or jealousy issue but I don't. It is simply an unnecessary complication. Relationships aren't easy and it makes things much more difficult when you have contact with an ex. I don't believe that either party needs that added stress on a relationship, particularly when you're trying to work through issues. There's few things that are worse for a relationship that being in the middle of a rough patch and having your boyfriend/girlfriend's ex pop up with posts on their Facebook page or to find out that they're having contact with them. 2
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 People view this as a trust or jealousy issue but I don't. It is simply an unnecessary complication. Relationships aren't easy and it makes things much more difficult when you have contact with an ex. I don't believe that either party needs that added stress on a relationship, particularly when you're trying to work through issues. There's few things that are worse for a relationship that being in the middle of a rough patch and having your boyfriend/girlfriend's ex pop up with posts on their Facebook page or to find out that they're having contact with them. Yep, bingo, 100% accurate. It's a great way to torpedo a relationship. And when they throw out things like controlling and manipulative, that just means they want to have their cake and eat it too... I have been through so many of these that i'm beginning to think it's some kind of character flaw with myself that I keep finding and attaching myself to these people... i'm going through it now even 2
LD1990 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Unless there are children involved, I see no reason to be in contact with an ex. I don't stay in contact with mine and I won't be in a relationship with someone who stays in contact with hers. Like OatsandHall said, it's an unnecessary complication. It's extremely rare for neither ex to have any feelings for the other. Typically, one of them would still love to get back together. People can call it insecure all they want, I say it's insecure to need your exes hanging around. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Is it healthily to be friends with an ex? Unhealthy. And this is why: Is it right for a new GF to basically state she doesn't like me being friends with an ex. She hasn't demanded anything. Let me be clear. No one who is in love feels confident and comfortable with their partner hanging out or talking with an ex. There is romantic history there why in the world would you subject your current partner to that? You are putting your current girlfriend in a position no woman (person) wants to be put it, and that is to hate the fact that you are friends with an ex but unable to say anything or demand otherwise because it isn't her place to demand something like that, even though she desires nothing but that. Don't you already have enough friends to hang out with or shoot the breeze with that you have to keep exs as friends? 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) Basically this new relationship is worth more to me than the ex friendship. And I agree with the points made about drama. Yes this ex I believe to be jealous as I stated before we were close to getting back together before I met this new woman. OMG seriously? And you need to ask why it's an issue to be friends with this ex? Lose the ex please and stop inviting drama into your life. You can't be friends with an ex, and this is precisely why. You guys had a chance to make it more than friendship and for whatever reason it didn't work. Time to cut that out of your life for good. Focus on your woman, she is there day-to-day living reality with you let go of the fantasy of the ex. She's an ex for a reason. People can call it insecure all they want, I say it's insecure to need your exes hanging around. 100% this ^ Edited November 20, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio 3
Tahirthegreat Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 The only woman you need to be focused on is your girl friend. Leave exes in the past. If they are such good people then you would have never broke it off.
OatsAndHall Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Yep, bingo, 100% accurate. It's a great way to torpedo a relationship. And when they throw out things like controlling and manipulative, that just means they want to have their cake and eat it too... I have been through so many of these that i'm beginning to think it's some kind of character flaw with myself that I keep finding and attaching myself to these people... i'm going through it now even I always ask a woman that I have first started dating whether or not they have contact with their ex husbands/boyfriends. I will not date them if they do. I don't ask them to change their ways or their view on it. I thank them for the dates, wish them the best but tell them that I don't date women that still have those people in their lives. It's not fair for me to ask them to give up what might just be a good friendship but it's also not fair for them to ask me to be okay with it. It is an absolute deal breaker for me. But, my view is a little jaded as my ex wife is living with an old/new boyfriend who was a serious point of contention for us during our marriage. I was continually accused of being jealous, insecure, and controlling and I started to wonder if I was just an a--hole. But, I had every right to request that she cut this guy off, she didn't and it was one of the things that ended our marriage. I have a colleague who has claims that a married woman is his "best friend". It's funny how, in the same sentence, he'll claim that he could never be anything more than friends with this woman but will still tell me how "smokin' hot" she is. I imagine her husband would tell him to go away in a hurry if he knew how he talks about her. He doesn't show much respect for their marriage by saying the things he says. 1
Recommended Posts