Flirty/Mixed Signals with Coworker...

[hopeless_sap]

As a preface, I haven't been in a real relationship yet in my life. Heck, I haven't even kissed a girl, much less anything more physical/sexual. Generally I come from a conservative background (not religious, just instilled family values) so I would like to get to know somebody fairly well before anything physical. That said, in college I briefly dated a couple girls (3-5 dates each), was a frustrating experience overall, and my lack of experience in dating definitely led to a lot of hurt feelings on both ends.

 

Just started full-time job out of college a few months ago, my coworker "Emily" (not her actual name) started a couple months later also straight from college. We have the same job title, we work on different teams technically but the entire company is like 60 employees, so it's not like I'm considering dating someone in another floor or building or something.

 

I think pretty much since we first met, on an on-site office visit/super day/interview day, we've had some level of chemistry. She just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years back in June.

 

It feels like there's mutual interest, but also mutual aversion to dating a coworker (to be fair, this is quite a solid job opportunity...). On one hand, she usually stops by my office once a day, if we both bring lunch we eat lunch together, when pretty drunk at social events (which has been like... twice), she gets a little handsy/touchy feely. On the other hand, she's definitely said, not directly to me but just in general conversation with other coworkers present, that she doesn't want to date a coworker, she's also asked if she can set me up with some friends of hers. Also while drunk she also referred to me as her "work husband", which I'm not sure is more indicative of a friendly or romantic interest.

 

It's getting a bit weird now because I feel like the gossip/rumors are really starting to ramp up. I have had no less than 5 different coworkers ask if we are a couple or suggest that I ask her out on a date. Heck, today we had a company social event and we (myself, Emily, a few other coworkers) started interacting with a random guy at the bar by chance, and when she stepped out to go to the restroom even he asked me if she's my girlfriend, when I said she isn't, he gave me the raised eyebrows and gave me "guy advice" that I should take her home tonight. I didn't see how she was acting particularly interested in me or whatever, but I'm probably also just piss poor at reading signals.

 

So I guess it really comes down to a few questions:

 

1. How bad of an idea is it to date a coworker?

 

Before anyone asks, the company does not have any policies against dating coworkers (well, no issues if they're on the same level, manager-employee relationships must be disclosed). In fact they go so far as to say in their annual officeplace behavior presentation that they more or less expect some relationships to pop up because of the long hours and friendly/collegial office environment.

 

2. If I am comfortable enough with the idea of dating a coworker, how sure should I be that she is also interested before "making a move"? Or maybe how should I go about asking her out without making things awkward if she isn't interested?

 

3. Lastly, one of my closest friends at work, the first one to suggest that we might become a couple, is also fairly good friends with her. After I finally admitted that I was at least somewhat interested, he basically said that if we do pursue this, I should take it slow and let it grow naturally (and in his words, "don't overtly ask her out on a date") because a) she's a coworker, and b) she just got out of a long term relationship and still is working through her feelings. Is this good advice?

 

I don't really know what it means to "take it slow"/let it grow naturally or let a close friendship grow into something more. Of the very few girls I've briefly dated in the past, we were acquainted or maybe kinda decent friends (in classes together, maybe occasionally work on HW together in a larger group, etc.), and then at some point when it became obvious that they were interested in me (i.e. not so subtle hints, since I'm clearly bad at picking up subtle hints), if I was also interested in return, I'd ask them on a date, and off we'd go. So I'm unsure how, if I were to try to pursue this but "take it slow", I'd progress from a close friendship with a coworker to dating/relationship.

 

TL;DR: Getting mixed signals, but generally seems like she's at least somewhat interested/attracted. Unsure of how to proceed given that she's a coworker.

Edited November 20, 2016 by hopeless_sap

[biker23]

Be confident and starting doing stuff with her outside work.

 

Go to the park and a meal. Or a festival etc. Something interactive so you talk. Not dinner and a movie.

 

Don't call it a date. You get along so do it outside work. Then see where it flows. That's what your buddy means by slow.

 

The only risk is friend zoned but it sounds like you both need this right now.

[hopeless_sap]

Be confident and starting doing stuff with her outside work.

 

Go to the park and a meal. Or a festival etc. Something interactive so you talk. Not dinner and a movie.

 

Don't call it a date. You get along so do it outside work. Then see where it flows. That's what your buddy means by slow.

 

The only risk is friend zoned but it sounds like you both need this right now.

 

Yeah I guess we already do stuff out of work somewhat regularly (although usually with other new coworkers as well). A few weeks ago she actually invited me to a festival along with the rest of our new coworkers, but they were all busy so I was the only one who made it from work (her roommates and some college friends also went though).

 

Now that I think about it, that was when she first started giving me more mixed signals... which might just be ways to test my reaction??

 

One of her roommates (and her roommates are almost definitely in on her attraction/crush on me, they're all girls from her college) brought up some guy she met on Bumble they called "Bumble Bill", they asked if she'd told me about him yet, then she said that she "wasn't sure if she liked him", I'm pretty sure they haven't seen each other for a while now (not that I know for sure, I didn't press for details). All I do know is that he's not completely made up/imaginary as another one of our coworkers also has brought up the topic in casual conversation later on.

 

Then later that same night she also offered to set me up with some girls she knows. I politely declined saying that while I appreciate the offer I'd rather navigate my dating life on my own.

 

All of this along with the whole "work husband" business (again, her words, not mine) has me very confused. Is she just trying to be best/close friends as a coworker, or is she interested and testing for reactions?

 

Needless to say I still feel like this could end awkwardly if I am reading the signals wrong. While I am fairly sure that she feels some level of attraction towards me she could be adamant enough about not dating a coworker that she actually is pushing for being just close friends.

 

But yeah, I guess I could start asking to do things with her outside of work (without asking the rest of the newbies at work as well).

 

I am aware of the possibility of being friend zoned because of how slowly things are progressing (and some of these mixed signals I've been getting), but I suppose that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I guess in theory I hope that if it already is heading towards the friendzone direction I can pick up on that and not make things awkward by making a move after she already has moved on.

[TheTraveler]

Then later that same night she also offered to set me up with some girls she knows. I politely declined saying that while I appreciate the offer I'd rather navigate my dating life on my own.

 

Why would you decline?!?

[Grey40]

I'm a guy, and I'll give you my take on it.

 

First of all, dating coworkers is never a great idea. You're always part of the office gossip and if being in the spotlight bothers you, you might not like it. Secondly, if things don't work out between you, work becomes awkward and everyone in the office will be asking you "what's going on? Is everything ok?" You become the companies charity case. However, if that doesn't bother you, let's move on,

 

You're in a tough spot, because the way you describe the situation, it sounds like you are for sure in the friend zone. Anytime girls bring up other guys they are seeing or treat you like another girlfriend, it's almost impossible to break out of that.

 

At the same time, it's still possible she's interested and is giving subtle hints hoping that you pick up on it. You might be scared about this, but The only way to know for sure if she's interested at a romantic level is to make a move.you need to man up and do it. Here's how I suggest you go about it:

 

Cut back on how much/often you are talking/texting her. Just a little bit. Make yourself slightly more busy to ramp up more interest/curiosity and then ask her to go somewhere you normally go, (bar, etc) just casually like normal. As the night progresses you MUST escalate physically. Some light touching while laughing etc. see how she responds. If she's not interested in that way, she'll be pretty clear to let you know. If she goes along with it, or reciprocates, you have your answer and you should 100% go for it.

Edited November 21, 2016 by Grey40

[hopeless_sap]

Why would you decline?!?

 

Not a big fan of getting set up, usually what girls think I am attracted to and what I am attracted to are pretty different. Furthermore the pressure of being "matched up" is pretty weird.

 

I'm a guy, and I'll give you my take on it.

 

First of all, dating coworkers is never a great idea. You're always part of the office gossip and if being in the spotlight bothers you, you might not like it. Secondly, if things don't work out between you, work becomes awkward and everyone in the office will be asking you "what's going on? Is everything ok?" You become the companies charity case. However, if that doesn't bother you, let's move on,

 

Yep those are my concerns exactly, and part of why I have been hesitant to make any bold moves. I feel like if I put my neck out there and (attempt to) date a coworker, I better damn well be sure that we are compatible.

 

You're in a tough spot, because the way you describe the situation, it sounds like you are for sure in the friend zone. Anytime girls bring up other guys they are seeing or treat you like another girlfriend, it's almost impossible to break out of that.

 

Yeah, that was a red flag for sure, although to be fair she herself has never brought it up to me, her friends did.

 

I personally feel like there's a good chance I'm already in the friend zone. I know that when she first started work she definitely was attracted, maybe just infatuated, whether she ever intended to act on that attraction/infatuation I am not sure. So I am not sure if that has now transitioned to the friend zone. Honestly the main reason why I am more unsure of whether I am in the friend zone is because of the constant commentary, from both people who know me/us well and people I have just met, that we seem like a couple, or that she's "definitely into me". It's possible that I've just grown accustomed to her typical (aka, not drunk and handsy) flirting and I think little of it. It's also possible that I have a better read on the situation than all of them and that I am indeed in the friend zone.

 

At the same time, it's still possible she's interested and is giving subtle hints hoping that you pick up on it. You might be scared about this, but The only way to know for sure if she's interested at a romantic level is to make a move.you need to man up and do it. Here's how I suggest you go about it:

 

Cut back on how much/often you are talking/texting her. Just a little bit. Make yourself slightly more busy to ramp up more interest/curiosity and then ask her to go somewhere you normally go, (bar, etc) just casually like normal. As the night progresses you MUST escalate physically. Some light touching while laughing etc. see how she responds. If she's not interested in that way, she'll be pretty clear to let you know. If she goes along with it, or reciprocates, you have your answer and you should 100% go for it.

 

Yeah you're probably right. I have experimented with interacting with her more or less to see how she reacts. If I don't stop by her office to chat with her during the day or get lunch with her, without fail she will either stop by my office to chat or flag me down when I pass by her office to chat. Then again, still within the realm of just close friends (or if it's a strong signal in either direction it's far too subtle for me).

 

I have an outside-of-work event in mind in a couple weeks (it is Thanksgiving this week after all). I'll escalate physically and see how she reacts, if she responds well (or at the very least doesn't respond negatively), I'll probably just make the leap and see what happens.

 

Thanks for all the help!

Edited November 22, 2016 by hopeless_sap