Career Vs. Relationship

[soulseek]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I should mention that we had a long distance relationship for a few months before he decided to move his life to my home city.

 

Prior to meeting him, I had career goals set out for myself since I was a young child. I went to university and received two degrees and just recently began my career as a teacher. I got extremely lucky, and was offered a contract. As a first year teacher, I arrive at work at 7am and generally stay at school until 430. Some evenings I am lesson planning or mark as most teachers do. I have come to realize that the job is incredibly demanding and challenging, but always so rewarding to have the opportunity to do what I love.

 

Last year, I was seeing him about once during the week, followed by Friday evening and the remainder of the weekend when he wasn't working. Currently, I am so tired I am finding myself in bed by 830PM. This has left Friday nights, Saturday nights and Sunday morning to hang out. Even though I am so exhausted, I also have a relationship that is important to me.

 

Personally, I feel as if he doesn't have enough going on in his own life. He left his friends and family behind. Started to make a few new friends and hobbies. However, his job is incredibly flexible. He works from home. Some weeks he works as little as 20 hours.

 

This career vs. relationship struggle has been an issue for awhile. He has made it clear that I don't have much time, and I am always too tired to hang out. I feel like I am not putting in as much effort into my career as I would like to. Nor am I able to put as much effort into my relationship.

 

Anyways, tonight my relationship apparently ended. There has been numerous fights about the lack of time I have available. I have been removed and blocked from all forms of communication. I truly felt as if I was put in a situation where I was expected to choose between two of the most important things in my life.

 

I do not know how else I was able to deal with this situation..? I literally wore myself thin and didn't even have time to myself. As of now, I can't even contact him. I literally feel so torn..Any advice?

[ElizabethIII]

I knew plenty of trainee and new qualified teachers at university.

 

Meh to 7am to 4:30pm. That is not an excessive number of hours. I work from 8:30am and dont often get to leave the office until 7pm. I am also in my 30s and tire more easily than in my 20s. I often dont get home until after 8pm and am in bed by midnight. I manage.

 

In fact alot of people from my profession, got out of it and retrained as teachers for a less stressful career and they found teaching to be less hours and more free time.

 

2 of my teacher friends had serious relationships while at university and continued these while an NQT and then married and had children.

 

Teachers manage to marry and have familes, so do Drs, lawyers, engineers, etc. People manage to have relationships with busy jobs, they find the time for both, so perhaps he has a point.

 

Women who have children have to be up in the night with a crying baby and go to work the next day. Again, they manage.

 

You sound a bit melodramatic over it all and frankly shouldnt need 9-10 hours in bed as 8 hours is optimum. Going to bed at 8:30pm is a bit much. You're in bed at 8:30pm so you ARE getting more than enough sleep but you say you are always tired and still too tired to hang out even though you're in bed at 8:30? It just seems excessive in mid twenties to be that tired whilst you are getting that much sleep.

 

I can understand his frustration as you could make time if you wanted to. You say he has nothing going on in his own life but it seems you are either at work or in bed and then you are still too tired to do anything. So you're not doing much either.

 

There are many many threads from you about him and it doesn't sound rosy. For the best then it ended.

Edited November 20, 2016 by ElizabethIII

[Noideanow]

Praise yourself Lucky that you had a man that wanted to spend time with you, to me it seems he had his priorities thought out knowing that in life you cant have it all, either you welcome the People you love in whatever you do whereever you are or you risk them growing tired of missing you and they begin detaching from you, if your" career" is more important or important at all you lose focus on love and relationship, a "career" in my optic should only Be a way of getting bread on the table and not an identity or source of feeling valuable and such:(

[Noideanow]

And when/if children get in the Picture Will you have time for Them? To bond to love to not Make Them cry because you "have to" leave and go educate other peoples children, and so on? So sad that in this modern society we lose sight of so many important aspects of life:(

[elaine567]

I think had you been besotted with this man, then you would have made and found time to be with him.

 

I think you probably resented him somewhat, as he was stopping you from putting your all into this career atm.

Ending it was the best thing that could have happened

 

I suggest you concentrate on the job and once you are more settled and know exactly what you are doing with the job, you will find you are not so tired, and you will be able to see that you will have time for other people in your life too.

[Els]

It's a tough situation. I understand how he feels, especially if he moved to your city to close the distance. He probably feels that it wasn't worth it to do so if he was only seeing you a few times a week anyway. On the other hand, your career IS important so it's understandable that you would prioritize it.

 

Is there a reason why you guys aren't living together even though he moved to be with you and you've been together for over a year? Generally it is easier to spend some time together on weeknights if you live together, since there isn't the added hassle of commuting. Alternatively one of you could stay over at the other person's house sometimes?

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's a tough situation. I understand how he feels, especially if he moved to your city to close the distance. He probably feels that it wasn't worth it to do so if he was only seeing you a few times a week anyway. On the other hand, your career IS important so it's understandable that you would prioritize it.

 

Is there a reason why you guys aren't living together even though he moved to be with you and you've been together for over a year? Generally it is easier to spend some time together on weeknights if you live together, since there isn't the added hassle of commuting. Alternatively one of you could stay over at the other person's house sometimes?

 

Yes, yes...

 

If things were so serious or getting serious and he moved down to be with you, why aren't you two spending more time at one another's abode?

 

I literally wore myself thin and didn't even have time to myself.

 

The above statement indicates that you were/are in desperate need of personal time. We all need it and it should be a part of anyone's balanced mental health regime, imho.

 

I understand your bf's POV, but too bad that he couldn't support you more. Working from home, sometimes only 20-hours, too much time on his hands...oh, well. I suspect the first year or so is grueling as you try to get a feel of your new and exciting career. Teaching is an amazing profession and the teachers who commit the most are typically the one's who are exhausted, but find the work rewarding as you do. Once you get a routine, it, the stress and exhaustion, will ease.

 

If it is over, get yourself to a point where you will have more time to date. DON'T let anyone tell you that your career, at this point in your life, is not worth pursuing. There are no guarantees in life except for death (taxes are now questionable :-D). Your relationship with this guy was no guarantee. Find the time, balance, balance, balance...

[Popsicle]

Lots of people have time-consuming careers and SO's at the same time. What makes some lose their SO is not the time they spend at work, but rather, not expressing in a genuine fashion how important their SO is to them and how sorry they are that they are away from them due to work and how they wish they could be with them instead. They don't show that they feel the same way, yet it's out of their hands. And this lack of emotional expression does not evoke the forgiveness that is necessary within their SO.

[OatsAndHall]

I am a teacher as well and generally operate on a fifty hour work week, assuming that there's no extra curricular activities going on. It's the nature of the job and a significant other needs to understand that.

 

It sounds like you communicated with him, was fair with your time, and it didn't work out. That is on him, not on you. You have professional obligations and he shouldn't expect that you shirk those responsibilities.

 

I had an ex-girlfriend that had a problem with the amount of time I spent working and coaching (even after I cut back on coaching..). I spent my free time with her and made sure she knew she was a priority in my life. I wasn't out with friends on the weekends: I was with her. She was still upset about it so I told her that she could either start paying my bills or leave the relationship. You can see which choice she made.

[Gaeta]

Your life isn't that much busier than most people. I leave at 7 am and back at 6 pm every day of the week so work keeps me away 11 hours a day.

 

My bf is gone from 7 am to 10h30 pm because he works and goes to night courses and this every day of the week.

 

No body is complaining because we are both exhausted !

 

Your boyfriend was lonely and bored. I would be with only 20 hours of work a week from home. I'd go nuts. It was up to him to make his life a little more exciting and challenging. He didn't. Instead his solution was to make you the bad one. He could not take responsibility for himself. You were home at 4h30 most of the night for goodness sake!! many people dream of being done at 4h30.

[soulseek]

Yes, I get HOME at 430. BUT As a teacher lesson planning and marking begins at home for the next day which generally is another 2 hours. Especially as a new teacher with no resources. I am putting close to 12 hours in. We are nearing report card season which will be a HUGE additional chunk of hours.

 

This IS the nature of the job. Teachers are busy. My point all along is I have been made to feel like the time I do see him (when I truly could be using it to do work to catch up) is not enough. Friday night, Saturday afternoons until Sunday Mid day. I text him when I can. I call him every night to touch base.

 

Others may put in a ton of hours. Lawyers do it, mothers do it etc. I get that. This is my second month into my career learning the ropes. I have been made to feel guilty for finally achieving my dreams.

 

I shouldn't say I go to bed at 830. I usually start to fall asleep on the couch and head to bed by 930. Then I am up at 5AM. It seems to be enough sleep. However, with my days and evenings it doesn't seem to leave enough time for much of a social life for myself.

Edited November 20, 2016 by soulseek

[soulseek]

 

Is there a reason why you guys aren't living together even though he moved to be with you and you've been together for over a year? Generally it is easier to spend some time together on weeknights if you live together, since there isn't the added hassle of commuting. Alternatively one of you could stay over at the other person's house sometimes?

 

I couldn't afford to live in the places he was looking at living in. The majority of my pay would go to rent. I need more things than a fancy place at this time. Such as a car.

 

He lives with a friend. It seems to work because he is no longer AS lonely, and he lives in his fancy place downtown.

[Gaeta]

Yes, I get HOME at 430. BUT As a teacher lesson planning and marking begins at home for the next day which generally is another 2 hours. Especially as a new teacher with no resources. I am putting close to 12 hours in. We are nearing report card season which will be a HUGE additional chunk of hours.

 

This IS the nature of the job. Teachers are busy. My point all along is I have been made to feel like the time I do see him (when I truly could be using it to do work to catch up) is not enough. Friday night, Saturday afternoons until Sunday Mid day. I text him when I can. I call him every night to touch base.

 

Others may put in a ton of hours. Lawyers do it, mothers do it etc. I get that. This is my second month into my career learning the ropes. I have been made to feel guilty for finally achieving my dreams.

 

I shouldn't say I go to bed at 830. I usually start to fall asleep on the couch and head to bed by 930. Then I am up at 5AM. It seems to be enough sleep. However, with my days and evenings it doesn't seem to leave enough time for much of a social life for myself.

 

You are not doing anything wrong. You are just starting your career and want to give the best of yourself. I applaud you for that. You have one of the most important jobs in our society! To awaken and teach children's mind. If I had a bf with your job I'd be proud of him and would respect his need of time to prepare. I would concentrate on the fact he'll get all summer off and a whole month vacation at Xmas time (depending where you are).

 

Your boyfriend is being unreasonable and a bit selfish in my book. He should support you instead of making you feel guilty for being a devoted young teacher. He should also understand you are now building your portfolio (for lack of better word) and as the years go by you'll have already prepared material and more time for him.

 

For this to work he needs to support you in your dream and career plan and he needs to find his own challenge.

[soulseek]

I knew plenty of trainee and new qualified teachers at university.

 

Meh to 7am to 4:30pm. That is not an excessive number of hours. I work from 8:30am and dont often get to leave the office until 7pm. I am also in my 30s and tire more easily than in my 20s. I often dont get home until after 8pm and am in bed by midnight. I manage.

 

In fact alot of people from my profession, got out of it and retrained as teachers for a less stressful career and they found teaching to be less hours and more free time.

 

2 of my teacher friends had serious relationships while at university and continued these while an NQT and then married and had children.

 

 

 

Yup 7- 430 at school. I bring work home with me as well, which generally is an additional 2 hours. So we work close to the same hours. I am sure you can understand this feeling. Topped with entering as a first year teacher, middle of the first semester. Having one month to learn your kids, and write a report card.

 

Working with children is a lot different than a doctor or lawyer. For whoever mentioned those comparisons. I see all my clients at once for a full 7.5 hours.

 

Sounds like your friends had an amazing support system at home, and at the school to help them out.

[Gaeta]

Soulseek: How long ago your boyfriend moved closer?

 

You know many of those long distance don't work once the distance is eliminated because expectations aren't realistic. They think once the distance is eliminated they'll be spending all of their time together.

 

Any plans on moving in together?

[soulseek]

Soulseek: How long ago your boyfriend moved closer?

 

You know many of those long distance don't work once the distance is eliminated because expectations aren't realistic. They think once the distance is eliminated they'll be spending all of their time together.

 

Any plans on moving in together?

 

About a year ago. The struggle for a bit was him creating new friendships and hobbies. He has a lot of that now. He had a huge network back at home. Was very social, active guy. However, it is a bit different here as he only has maybe 5 friends and no friends that have a schedule similar to his (Tuesday/ Wednesdays off).

 

It is just his job that really keeps human interaction on the low side of things. He now lives with a friend which helps a bit. I just truly think his job is just not challenging or rewarding enough.He maybe talks to 3 people on the phone a day. Our jobs couldn't be more opposite.

 

The plan is to live together. However, as I mentioned, I just began my career and needed to purchase somethings like a newer car, which could not have been done living the areas he wanted to live. So he's living exactly where he wants with a friend for now.

[Kamille]

I'm sorry you're going through this soulseek. I've been there a few times.

 

I've come to the conclusion there are two kinds of people in this world: people who love work and people for whom it is secondary. It's been my experience that people for whom it's secondary aren't good partners for people who love work.

 

What it means is this: he's not wrong for feeling how he feels. You're not wrong for wanting what you want. You two are, however, incompatible.

 

 

 

If I understand correctly, this is your first year teaching right? The first year is the most demanding and it gets easier from there. You will come to have more time and more energy to invest in a relationship. But you will need to find a partner who loves that you love your job.

 

And lastly: congrats and getting a position. That's not always easy in education.

[introverted1]

Sounds like you want to prioritize your career at this time, OP. Nothing inherently wrong that, but did you make this clear to your bf before he uprooted to live where you are?

[Gaeta]

The plan is to live together. However, as I mentioned, I just began my career and needed to purchase somethings like a newer car, which could not have been done living the areas he wanted to live. So he's living exactly where he wants with a friend for now.

 

Something seems off to me. Couples that really want to make it together find a way. Ok it's nice to have a dream of living in a more fancy area of town but I would not delay living with the woman of my life because she cannot afford it at the moment. I would move in with her in an area where we both can afford at the time and slowly move ourselves to a fancier area in a couple of years. If you lived together, in an area you can both afford, you'd see more of each other and you would both be cutting on living expenses and it would even help you get that car.

 

More You talk about your boyfriend more he comes across as a man that cannot compromise for the good of the relationship.

[Got it]

You were seeing him a few times a week. Everyone is different but I think that is very reasonable. When I was your age I was up at 5am as well, at work by 6:30 and then went to ride so didn't see my boyfriend except a few times a week. He worked long hours as well so not a big deal for him.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with prioritizing your career and I think your boyfriend must needed more, someone that was around as much as he was. Honestly, I would prefer someone that focused more on their career as well and am not interested in a clock pusher.

 

Just need to find someone that sees your career pursues as an accomplishment not an inconvenience; usually someone with the same focus.

[Els]

I couldn't afford to live in the places he was looking at living in. The majority of my pay would go to rent. I need more things than a fancy place at this time. Such as a car.

 

He lives with a friend. It seems to work because he is no longer AS lonely, and he lives in his fancy place downtown.

 

So he would rather live in a fancy place with a friend than live in a more modest place with you?

 

Well then, I don't feel nearly as sympathetic for him as I did earlier - he made his choice. He cannot expect you to wear yourself out on weekdays driving to see him when he specifically chose to live in a different suburb from you.

 

Next time he brings up the lack of time together, you could inform him that you two would be able to spend more time together on weekdays if you lived together. Alternatively, he could drive to you and spend the evening at your place, since he has more free time.

[ElizabethIII]

Looking over your posting history:

 

You have written threads about how he disapproved of you living with your parents, had friendships with a woman that you were not comfortable with, wanted you to live near him and fly back for job interviews, etc, etc, etc.

 

Why not just stop flogging a dead horse and break up with him.

 

You are poles apart. You dont seem to agree on anything.

 

It wont work.