Is getting sexually cheated regularly tolerable?

[bisquick]

So I've never had a relationship before, and I'm fairly young, so I can't fully imagine getting cheated on.

 

I wanted to know: Is getting regularly cheated on, even if it's just sexually and not emotionally, something you can get used to?

 

I know a guy who I used to know from university who said that he loves his wife but she's just not as sexual as him and that he is the type that loves variety, honestly. He takes very good care of his wife and kid in every way, yet he occasionally cheats. When I asked him if he felt bad about it, he said not really because he doesn't really feel emotionally attached to the women he does it with, it's just the sexual part of it. He says "It lets me appreciate my wife more and doesn't let resentment build up for the fact that she doesn't want sex as much as I do."

 

So this made me wonder: if sex is "just sex" in most men's eyes and won't lead to emotional attachment, then why do so many women care about if the man cheats sexually? Emotional cheating is a total nono, but sexually, is it really that big of a deal?

 

And honestly, if it's just about sex and there is no emotional attachment, is this something that women can just tolerate? Like, if I met a great guy who is everything I wanted, yet he just wanted some sexual release on the side, could a woman be able to be okay with it forever? Or would it eventually bother her?

 

 

If anyone here has had experience with thinking they would be able to tolerate cheating, please share!!

Edited November 20, 2016 by bisquick

[aileD]

So I've never had a relationship before, and I'm fairly young, so I can't fully imagine getting cheated on.

 

I wanted to know: Is getting regularly cheated on, even if it's just sexually and not emotionally, something you can get used to?

 

I know a guy who I used to know from university who said that he loves his wife but she's just not as sexual as him and that he is the type that loves variety, honestly. He takes very good care of his wife and kid in every way, yet he occasionally cheats. When I asked him if he felt bad about it, he said not really because he doesn't really feel emotionally attached to the women he does it with, it's just the sexual part of it. He says "It lets me appreciate my wife more and doesn't let resentment build up for the fact that she doesn't want sex as much as I do."

 

So this made me wonder: if sex is "just sex" in most men's eyes and won't lead to emotional attachment, then why do so many women care about if the man cheats sexually? Emotional cheating is a total nono, but sexually, is it really that big of a deal?

 

And honestly, if it's just about sex and there is no emotional attachment, is this something that women can just tolerate? Like, if I met a great guy who is everything I wanted, yet he just wanted some sexual release on the side, could a woman be able to be okay with it forever? Or would it eventually bother her?

 

 

If anyone here has had experience with thinking they would be able to tolerate cheating, please share!!

 

.

 

Sex isn't the issue.

 

It's the lying and deceit and keeping things from us.

 

Let me know, I might agree to it (swinging?). But don't do it behind my back. Involve me. It's my health too

 

Hidden is not ok. And even if the man just wants sex that doesn't mean the woman won't get attached to him and cause a problem.

 

No. it's not normal and shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship. Honesty is important

[bisquick]

.

 

Sex isn't the issue.

 

It's the lying and deceit and keeping things from us.

 

Let me know, I might agree to it (swinging?). But don't do it behind my back. Involve me. It's my health too

 

Hidden is not ok. And even if the man just wants sex that doesn't mean the woman won't get attached to him and cause a problem.

 

No. it's not normal and shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship. Honesty is important

 

Can we justify the whole secrecy thing by saying that most people lie about it because they want to avoid hurting thier partner's feelings by asking if they'd be open to an open relationship?

 

Also, if I were to one day allow my future bf/husband to have sex with other women, would it eventually bother me one day? Or would it be at the back of my mind all the time?

[aileD]

No you can't justify lying. If you can't be ope in your communication and wants and needs in a marriage then that's not ok. Your spouse should be able to have a day in what kind of relationship THEY want to be in too. Be open and give them the choice. BOUNDARIES.

 

I don't know you but if you want to know what it feels like to be cheated on, spend some time here reading how it ruins lives.

 

Do you want that to be you?

 

Ideally you and your future husband would discuss these things before marrige.

 

And trust me once you are older and kids come along and you have security in your relationship and your life, this **** is scary

[dichotomy]

I kind of get what your saying - each person is different. But why not have an open marriage then ?

 

At one point in a long ago argument over my wife's sudden drop in sex drive - she said "go get it elsewhere then". Problem was she later started panicking when she thought I was - because she knew I am not one to separate sex from emotions (she can - I can't).

 

Also when you talk about a guy being able to do this "just for sex" you also have to ask if the women he is hooking up with on the side - are able to do this as well - or is he lying and manipulating these women? or do they care about him ? One of them may come knocking on the door of his nice wife's home.

[goodyblue]

Well, I have been married for several years to my wonderful husband. Our relationship began as an affair (he was married, I wasn't). His ex had a low sex drive and drank way too much and he was tired of dealing with it so he left. So, if you are willing to risk your relationship, go right on ahead and let him cheat.

 

The secret to not worrying about this (not always, but a lot of times) is to find someone with similar sexual tastes. Just my opinion.

 

There are other reasons people cheat, serial cheats, drunken ONS, etc, but if you are just talking about the one thing you mentioned, it's most likely this. Then you get to worry about He or the OW could get attached. Then you get to deal with one being hurt the other trying to get away.

[Grapesofwrath]

My ex-husband was not a cheater, but I did have a long-term BF who was a serial cheater. The fact that he had sex with other women was not nearly as painful and damaging as the constant lying and gaslighting.

 

Gaslighting is horrifically abusive. I'm talking about the type when the cheater turns the tables and gets angry at the betrayed partner, shifts blame, and denies obvious facts. (e.g. finding another woman's panties in his guest bathroom drawer then having him spin lies about how they got there, even trying to convince me they were mine!) It makes you question your own perceptions, thoughts, and reality. It is truly maddening. Doing that to someone is abusive.

 

I would have greatly preferred if he just said he wanted to keep sleeping with other women. Then I could have decided whether to participate in that, with my eyes open.

[bisquick]

But how can I tell if I would be okay with a guy having an open marriage with me? I mean, how do I know I won't get upset about it as time progresses? Is it even possible to not let it bother you?

[aileD]

But how can I tell if I would be okay with a guy having an open marriage with me? I mean, how do I know I won't get upset about it as time progresses? Is it even possible to not let it bother you?

. We can't answer that for you. It's a combination of what's in your heart, your intuition, the man and his character, your relationship dynamics and your place in life.

[cocorico]

 

I wanted to know: Is getting regularly cheated on, even if it's just sexually and not emotionally, something you can get used to?

 

 

The answer is clearly "yes". There are several examples on these boards of people who have been "betrayed" more than once, who choose nonetheless to reconcile, believing either that "this time will be different" or that "it doesn't really matter that much" because the WS still comes back to them. Some people accept it as "their lot" and resign themselves to it, others see the WS as a project that they must "fix". Pathologising the WS seems a common strategy which plays into the "in sickness and in health" narrative - "s/he cheated because of his/her depression / PTSD / addiction / childhood sexual abuse / unhealthy FOO dynamic / etc" thus equating excusing the infidelity with supporting the WS through chronic ill health.

 

It is clearly tolerable *to some*. Would it be tolerable to you? That's impossible to predict. Man here have sworn they would respond one way or another, only to find at the time that they did something else entirely.