Too many expecations?

[mandylev]

Hello all.. Would be great to get some wise advice.

 

I met a man who is 28.. actually on a dating app about 2 months ago. We met a few days later after we started talking and hung out almost every day for 2 weeks. Also early on we were talking about past relationships and he mentioned he had 'commitment issues' as in hes had long term girlfriends but always ended up 'getting bored or didnt want to stay/ trapped'. But then when I looked sceptical, he tried to retract those comments by saying maybe it was because it wasn't the one.

 

Anyway, things were good other than that - he kept telling me he hadn't connected with anyone as much as he did with me in a long time and how much he liked me. He would invite me out with his friends almost all the time. After 2 weeks of us being in the same town, I had to leave as I live across the country for work and I did not see him for a month. We still kept in touch for that month, but more so through texting.

 

Before I left, he mentioned that he really liked me but felt unhappy with where is life is at and didn't know what he wanted. I let this comment go since it had only been 2 weeks.

 

During my time away, I noticed he had updated his profile on the app. Fast forward to a month after that and I am back in the same town. We saw each other right away, he kept saying he couldn't wait to see me. And then I saw a message on his phone the first day back that we met from a girl I am sure he had met on the app and I got visibly upset.

 

Then he said that this is moving way too fast and he is not ready to be exclusive. Afterwards, he left and messaged me apologizing saying that he likes me so much and that hes sorry anything he said made me doubt that and he hopes he can see me again.

 

We have since met numerous times since that, one on one, with his friends etc.. Overall we met 2 months ago but only a month of that in the same city. Am I expecting too much early on in terms of exclusivity? I don't know if I have a right to want it or whether I am being impatient and insecure. I cannot tell.

 

Thanks so much

Edited November 20, 2016 by mandylev

[Buddhist]

You always have the right to be treated as you wish to be treated. If this guy isn't giving you that then you have the right to find someone who will. From reading your OP, I can clearly see this guy just doesn't want to commit to anyone. He's perfectly happy dating multiple women and probably really does see exclusivity as entrapment given his reaction and statements about it. He only backtracked when he realised it will probably cost him the ability to date and screw you.

 

Don't fall into the trap of believing that there is some mythical 'one' out there that will change this equation for him. Because there isn't. He is conducting relationships the way he wants to and that won't change for you or anyone else. Learn to take people at face value and believe what they tell you in those little slips of honesty. It's actually the truth.

 

If you want exclusivity waiting for this guy to give it will be a bad idea. Go and date someone else who wants it and will willingly give it to you. Since you aren't exclusive there is nothing stopping you from doing that while you continue to date him.

[stillafool]

I think you were getting way too serious for him and it scares him. He has said he basically not ready for a relationship and you were treating it as one by being jealous because he is dating others. That's what not getting serious mean is that you enjoy your time together and still date others. I think if you had played it cool and just had fun it would have drawn him in. Hopefully the other girl is doing that or he might fall for her. It does sound like he likes you but....

[mandylev]

Thanks for your response - I'm actually going on a date with another guy next week. Also, he went away for 4 days on a vacation with friends and said 'not to have too much fun without him'. Also I forgot to mention that before he said that since he started seeing me I was ' the only one he's been with'. Think that probably means sexually as he still has a dating profile up..

[spiderowl]

This is a guy with a track record of being non-committal. Honestly, this is a pattern. I doubt he will change. You are hoping for something and this guy will disappoint you. He said up front that he was usually like this. Guys like this will suck you in with hints of better things and then dump you like he did all the others.

[Redhead14]

Hello all.. Would be great to get some wise advice.

 

I met a man who is 28.. actually on a dating app about 2 months ago. We met a few days later after we started talking and hung out almost every day for 2 weeks. Also early on we were talking about past relationships and he mentioned he had 'commitment issues' as in hes had long term girlfriends but always ended up 'getting bored or didnt want to stay/ trapped'. But then when I looked sceptical, he tried to retract those comments by saying maybe it was because it wasn't the one.

 

Anyway, things were good other than that - he kept telling me he hadn't connected with anyone as much as he did with me in a long time and how much he liked me. He would invite me out with his friends almost all the time. After 2 weeks of us being in the same town, I had to leave as I live across the country for work and I did not see him for a month. We still kept in touch for that month, but more so through texting.

 

Before I left, he mentioned that he really liked me but felt unhappy with where is life is at and didn't know what he wanted. I let this comment go since it had only been 2 weeks.

 

During my time away, I noticed he had updated his profile on the app. Fast forward to a month after that and I am back in the same town. We saw each other right away, he kept saying he couldn't wait to see me. And then I saw a message on his phone the first day back that we met from a girl I am sure he had met on the app and I got visibly upset.

 

Then he said that this is moving way too fast and he is not ready to be exclusive. Afterwards, he left and messaged me apologizing saying that he likes me so much and that hes sorry anything he said made me doubt that and he hopes he can see me again.

 

We have since met numerous times since that, one on one, with his friends etc.. Overall we met 2 months ago but only a month of that in the same city. Am I expecting too much early on in terms of exclusivity? I don't know if I have a right to want it or whether I am being impatient and insecure. I cannot tell.

 

Thanks so much

 

If you've been intimate with a man, it's OK to want exclusivity, but not OK to expect or demand it. The fact is that you two never discussed exclusivity and so, if that is what you decided you wanted with this man, you open a conversation to say that you like him enough to want to stop dating others and then find out if he is on the same page.

 

He clearly is not on that page with you and that's OK too. Technically, it's only been a month of dating him, there was no agreement regarding exclusivity and so he is/was free to see others.

 

This man has said enough things to you that indicate he just wants casual dating scenarios. You want something more and probably something he can't/doesn't want to give. You should let him know you've enjoyed the time you two have spent together but that you two aren't on the same page and, therefore, you are moving on and wish him well.

[Gaeta]

The man told you right off the bat he was commitment phobic. If you were looking for serious dating you should have passed.

 

No, generally speaking 1 month dating is not too soon to discuss exclusivity especially with online dating. If both parties are on a serious journey usually 1 month or 4-5 dates is enough to bring up exclusivity.

 

Him apologizing is just sand in the eyes. He is coming back but with no plan, he just wants to continue dating casually and playing the field at the same time.

 

He sounds like someone just out of a relationship. Just move on. I don't think there is anything special waiting for you here.