problems with opening up

[patricia0000]

Hey.

 

I have a problem!

I am a 20 year old girl and a virgin. I had a relationship for a year and that guy was my first love but it was obvious he was obsessed with his ex and he barely ever wanted to hang out with me yet he kept pressuring me about sex. I didn't wanna see it until I accidently stumbled over proof that he was seeing his ex behind my back and had even been the reason her fiance broke up with her and kicked her out about a month before I found this out. I should have seen it coming though as they had been on and off for years already... He was highly manipulative though and wanted us both desperately so when I got upset over this he suddenly threw it at me that he had planned on asking me to marry him and that he had been looking at rings etc, yet when I said it would take time for me to trust him again (yes I was 100% ready to forgive and move on... I was that blind, it was tough to break lose) he said I had 2 weeks tops to forget what had happened or else he would take her back because he was sick of fighting for us anyway (??!?!?!) yet the only person who'd ever fought for us was me, alone. Well that's the *main* reason I broke up with him and I also never slept with him because of how messy the relationship was from the start.

 

I have now met a guy who seems great, he is always there for me no matter what, we've already done more things together - even travelled - than I ever did with my ex yet we've only been together 5 months. But.... we've not done "it" yet. Problem is.. I have very little experience of men, my ex is literally the only experience I have, I had my first kiss ever at 18 and I only have 1 friend whom I rarely see. I have huge problems opening up and talking about feelings or deep stuff in general and I feel quite young emotionally. I'm scared of how it might affect me if the relationship ends after although I am fully aware that you have to be prepared for those kinds of things. My boyfriend.. I think is a bit of a restless soul, he's *never* had a serious relationship before, only short ones, I think that's by choice but I never asked. He's a loner and enjoys spending time with himself more than with anyone else and basically i'm the first person he's ever felt he can give that freedom up for. That's sort of what he said.

I trust my boyfriend and I feel ready to take our relationship further but at the same time I wish we first could come closer emotionally, and that I could explain *why* I keep stalling this instead of just saying "im not ready yet" but whenever I wanna tell him how I feel - about pretty much anything - I just can't get the words out. I just go quiet and if he doesn't know about my past etc. he can't understand. He's so wonderful too, doesn't pressure me he just wants me to tell him how I feel and when I can't he just gives me a hug or something and says it's ok but I just wanna cry because I know he won't have that patience with me forever and I don't want him to because I wanna take that next step as well but at the same time i'm kinda scared. Of what?!? I don't know!

 

I feel like I should leave him almost.. go try and get that therapy I so desperately needed after my last relationship ended (yes I tried to get in contact with a therapist but to no success so I eventually gave up). I may need it both for how badly that relationship affected me and for my issues with opening up to other people but it would take ages just getting an appointment.. I need a shorter solution. I need to explain things to him and I need to get over all those boundries I have when it comes to letting people in. I never dare to take risks or anthing, all my life I have been overly careful about everything and I don't want that anymore.. it's getting me nowhere in life.. How do I stop? I'm a really fragile person and I think that subconciously I keep protecting myself from every tiny little thing that might hurt me in some way but I don't need to walk around wrapped in cotton, I need to experience things and grow as a person, I just don't know how to take the step from my comfort zone and into the real world.

Is this even normal, does people feel this way or is it just me? I can't even make friends because of this.

 

Sorry for long post!!!!!!!!

Edited November 20, 2016 by patricia0000

[basil67]

What strikes me is your clinical approach to having sex with the new guy. You've said nothing about sharing sexual desire, chemistry or lust with him.

 

Taking away the emotional baggage for a moment, do you have a physical desire to be with him?

[Herbalist]

What strikes me is your clinical approach to having sex with the new guy. You've said nothing about sharing sexual desire, chemistry or lust with him.

 

Taking away the emotional baggage for a moment, do you have a physical desire to be with him?

 

I second the importance of these ^ factors.

 

It also seems like in part you are just hyper-aware of your own human experience. Opening up to people is always risky to some extent, trusting people, exploring yourself with other people, being intimate with people, etc. There is always risk and I think subconsciously it is always a mixture of scary and thrilling deep down.

 

But most people are so driven by primal instinct that they just go through the motions almost automatically with little to no awareness of how it's affecting their mind and emotions on a deeper level. Whereas it seems like you are very aware and also analyzing it heavily every step of the way.

 

This definitely has its pros and cons. The downsides being that things that are pretty normal can feel like they are really bizarre or a huge deal, since you don't see other people seeming to think about it or worry about it so much. This can give you a lot of unnecessary extra stress throughout life and also cause you to advance more slowly in things, since you are analyzing and approaching things methodically rather than just diving right in.

 

But again it also has its advantages. Your awareness and introspection capability will serve you well throughout your life if you allow it, you might turn out to be a very wise person in later years. You will likely come to understand things that most people won't, which is a very bittersweet sort of thing, really.

 

I'd say getting a therapist would be a good idea, for sure, if it's someone you feel comfortable with. They can help to put you at ease when you are experiencing normal things that are simply new things, and reassure you that new things usually carry a bit of suspense, again that anxiety and thrill mixture.

 

As for your current guy, if he has waited for 5 months, then he will probably wait another month while you are seeking a therapist. Be sure not to doom-and-gloom the situation too early, since your mind is flooding with all these different possible outcomes in advance. Maybe he really is a very patient and kind guy who really likes you a lot, and considers you worth the wait? Maybe his own libido is lower than average or he has deeply ingrained masturbation habits and so he is a good fit for you, at least for now. Maybe everything will go terribly wrong in the end and he won't be the right one for you, after all. There is no crystal ball, though. So deep breaths and focus on the here and now, look for a therapist and try to let yourself enjoy what you do have today.

[patricia0000]

What strikes me is your clinical approach to having sex with the new guy. You've said nothing about sharing sexual desire, chemistry or lust with him.

 

Taking away the emotional baggage for a moment, do you have a physical desire to be with him?

 

I do have a desire yes, especially since recently because in the beginning of the relationship I was still very broken by my past relationship so I was still putting up boundries even higher than I do usually but I feel much more comfortable with him now.

[patricia0000]

I am aware that I over-analyze pretty much everything, it's very annoying and I hate it. Like the main reason I don't talk much in real life is because I over-analyze everything I say in detail in my head until it sounds stupid and then I can't say it so I just say nothing instead.

 

How do I get myself to stop thinking so much? I remember once my only internet-friend, basially the only person I really open up to, told me randomly that I think too much, I didn't know what they meant then but I do now lol. Maybe I just need to start by forcing myself to say things I normally wouldn't until it doesn't feel as bad.. not sure where to start though.

Btw it could take six months of waiting just to get an appointment with a therapist so it won't take a month.. that's kinda why I need a quicker fix. :/