Getting and staying off the leash

[Introverted_Optimist]

I connected with a woman back in June, and corresponded via text and phone for about two weeks before finally meeting. One other time in my life, a similar time frame and pattern played out. I found in both cases that the attraction grew quickly and strongly through sharing so much verbally and in writing, without the physical dynamic present. In any case, the first time I saw her, I knew I was in trouble. The way she was standing, the angle of the lighting behind her and my built up prior attraction all conspired to leave me more than smitten at first sight.

 

That first night we had great conversation, shared many laughs and were so very at ease with one another. I am a true introvert by nature (INFJ) and very rarely let walls down, even after considerable periods of time, let alone within a few weeks. I was totally unguarded around this woman, and it felt liberating. We actually slept together that first night, but literally only slept together. I can only characterize the feeling I had while spooning as one the most comforting and peaceful of my adult life. It was bliss.

 

We spoke the next day, but did not get together. The same pattern continued during the week, and we did plan to get together the next Friday night. Our second night together was just about a repeat of the first, with the only notable difference being that at one pint mid conversation, she leaned in and kissed me. It literally made me see flashes of light. I was falling quickly and deeply. So far out of character. Spent the night again, and other than kissing before finally falling asleep ...much like the previous weekend.

 

I left very early the next morning, having a 6:00AM tee time. Kissed her on the cheek, and let myself out. We did text throughout Saturday, but the idea of seeing each other again that night never came up and I didn't push it. Usual communication during the week, and I asked to have dinner with me the following Friday. She readily agreed. Something inside of me, though was sensing a shift. When Friday came, and I was leaving work for home, I knew inside that I would not see her that night. As I walked into my house, I got text from her indicating that her mother was going through something and needed her. How could I be angry or difficult about that? I wasn't, and gracefully removed the burden of our dinner plans though inside I was churning.

 

I spent time on the details of our first two meetings because I would not end up seeing this woman again, in person, for 6 weeks. This would make sense if I lived in NY and her in Miami. We live 5 miles apart, though. Our phone conversations decreased but text frequency remained. The tone and tenor, though were different. She was frequently sad, angry, anxious of afflicted with some other form of angst for the vast majority of that month. There is a back story regarding her health which is worth noting, but I will not be detailed. She was diagnosed with breast cancer three years earlier, at age 36, and had a double mastectomy. She also proactively had much of her reproductive system removed. We talked a great deal about this early on, and I think it's one of the reasons I felt close and bonded with her early. We had even talked about the prospects of children, as she had some eggs frozen prior to the surgeries. She very much wants a family.

 

She has been in therapy since the cancer battle, as it was truly a life-changing, traumatic event. I knew she was prone to depressive episodes and spells of sleeplessness and anxiety. I was patient and as supportive as I could be. I would suggest that maybe seeing each other, or just having me sit with her without speaking might help, but she never wanted to actually get together. She's an attorney, and was keeping her career and general life obligations in order, but completely shutting down with me and, it appeared, with other interpersonal relationships (friends and family).

 

I felt in an incredibly challenged position, wanting to help and support, wanting to be patient, but also very much wanting to see and spend time with her. I was literally trapped in that early euphoric stage after spending those two blissful weekends with her after having connected so strongly prior. I knew there were valid reasons for her state of mind, but I could not help but feel marginalized without cause. Her 40th birthday came in the middle of this spell. As far as I still know, she spent it alone. She did nothing with family or friends that I know of, nor did she allow me to celebrate with her. Even though she had agreed, loosely, to just have dinner with me to celebrate, she failed to actually follow through on planning. I saw that coming and just let it come and go as she clearly wanted it to.

 

Just after her birthday, she let me know that she had just formally been diagnosed on the bipolar disorder spectrum. I had been pleading with her to allow for a mental health evaluation. At times over the recent weeks she was so sad or angry, at anything and nothing, that she would sob and rage within an hour span. Clearly she was struggling. Even though she had received the diagnosis, she was not convinced and indicated that she planned not to take part in the therapy or medication that was recommended. I offer an opinion to the contrary, and she raged at me.

 

I began to feel the eggshells under my feet from that point forward. Additionally, I was feeling even though she was exhibiting classic signs of rapid cycle bipolar disorder, that there was something else amiss. That suspicion was soon confirmed when a friend showed my her very active Tinder profile one day. It is important to point out that I had not seen her in 5 weeks, but at least three or four times a week she would tell me that she missed me "overwhelmingly" or just wanted to have my arms around her, but just couldn't bear to physically see me -or have me see her that way. She would also tell me quite frequently that she would often picture the future, and always see me next to her. It was the first time she had ever seen her future with someone else in it. Apparently, I was just a potential option for that future. She seemed to be a believer of membrane/string theory as I saw it.

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks that I had been on her string since day one. It was classic string along behavior and I was so deeply wound up in it. I decided it was perfectly reasonable to ask her if she was actively seeking other options in addition to what I thought we were developing. We hadn't had any conversation about being exclusive, so I couldn't exactly be indignant. I was hurt beyond belief, but I did not indicate that or let it show. I asked a simple question and wanted a simple answer. What I got was a humorous answer. Apparently I had met the world's most creative entrepreneur, as he indicated that she only used Tinder to "fundraise" for a cancer support group. Even though I asked the simple question, and she answered, she did display a flash of anger and clear defensiveness. My friend had actually connected with her, and one evening she was carrying on a Tinder chat with him while simultaneously texting with me. I will give her credit for un-matching him the minute he indicated that he was looking for fun and not a relationship. What an admirable woman.

 

I could no longer deny what this was (or wasn't). I am able to type it fairly clearly and rationally now, but I was absolutely devastated. I just don't open up to people that easily, and I never consider them in all aspects of my future so easily. I was totally on board with her tale of our future and I was in love with her. I've skipped over many details of our communication because this is a novel already. Suffice it to say that for someone who is so prideful, and self-actualized and who had been so truly content with my single life for so long -I had allowed another to be fully intertwined in my happiness. Now that was gone. Enter heart break.

 

I was very measured and straightforward in asking her if we could see each there to talk. She said yes, but in typical fashion failed to actually commit to a day or time. I followed up, politely, requesting once again. She did not respond. At this point I decided it was best for me to begging to try to move on, as a conversation wasn't coming nor would closure. I didn't ask again.

 

We had never been out of contact for more than two days since we met. Not being aware of no contact or any such notions, I can't even remember who would eventually reach out first if we had fallen off for a day. I do know that I would reply to her within an hour at most -even in the height of a work day. So when I simply stopped communicating after reaching that dead end request for a conversation, I don't think she expected that.

 

Three days later I got a text saying "I need to talk to you." I had already begun to do some reading in order to help myself through the grief and pain I was already feeling. This break up was as bad as the only other one that ever really impacted me. It was so short, but I had fallen so hard and allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. In any case, when she did text, I had already leaned enough to know truly understand that everything is truly about her. I had literally asked within the week to meet and talk, yet she ignored that. Then after she felt like the puppy was off the leash, she decided we needed to talk. I ignored her.

 

She then began to text me each day, further playing on what she knew would reach me. I fully admit now that I was, in her eyes, a complete "beta" male with her. Honesty, I thought I was just being genuine, kind, support, open and affectionate through thought and action. Apparently this is a huge turn off. She began to say how much she missed me, and just wanted to talk. I felt like I deserved that conversation, but I still ignored. Finally, on a Saturday night at 11:30PM she wrote "Come over?" Let's remember that she couldn't bear to see, for even an hour at any point, in the prior 6 weeks. Regardless of whether or not it re-established her sense of control and power ...I wanted that conversation. I said I would be there in an hour. I left no option for flaking or discussion.

 

She was there and actually did hope I would come. We proceeded to finally talk after some awkward dancing around who would start and what we wanted to accomplish. I essentially assumed control of the conversation and very matter-of-factly walked her through how and why my sense of self-worth and pride would no longer allow me to persist in this "relationship." I even clearly stated that we didn't have a relationship and I saw no purpose in remaining pen pals. She would softly object to some of my characterizations along the way, but would also often imply that she understood -even though she did not feel about me the way I was suggesting. She maintained that she saw me in her future and so very much appreciated my value and the person I was. At one point she even initiated that she didn't deserve me. I didn't argue. I continued to get off of my chest all that made me feel far less than fulfilled.

 

The conversation went on for a few hours, with random topics interspersed. Honestly, at no point did the word breakup come up. I just felt it was implied. She did suggest that I sleep over ...as it was 3 in the morning at the point we just stopped talking. Knowing it would be my last chance to hold her through the night, I agreed. We kissed and cuddled and finally fell asleep. I woke early, kissed her on the cheek and let myself out. She did text me later that morning saying that she was glad I had come. I replied that it was good that we had the chance to talk. That was it.

 

There was no contact for a full month. During that time I was determined to get over her, knowing that there was no future with her. It became very painful. Part of the reason, truthfully, because I hoped she had recognized that I was not a puppy and actually quite confident and secure. Beyond that -someone she would be lucky to have a relationship with. In his way, I guess I was using no contact to make her want me back as opposed for actually moving on.

 

One month in I received a text from her at 6:00AM on a Sunday morning. It was clearly a breadcrumb, but I didn't know enough about these at the time. She basically made me aware of a real estate listing, as she knew/knows I was looking for a new house. I did know enough to not appear needy, so I waited several hours before responding, and was very neutral. She did reply back, and I let it end there. The next day she texted me the classic "how are you?" I waited the entire day to respond, and simply said "I'm incredibly busy, but good. Thanks. You?" She replied immediately, "Alight. Thank you." I could sense she was becoming restless with my latency, brevity and lack of probing about her.

 

The next morning she sent me a picture of herself wearing a bike helmet. The cancer group "fundraising" she had been doing was for a 200 mile bike tour. She refused to wear a helmet while training for it as much as I begged her to do so. I replied "You wore a helmet. Smart." She sent two more random messages about the Howard Stern show (we're both fans) and I did respond, hours later, with one or two word responses related only to the show. A few days later she reached out again with "Hi." I didn't respond at all. She followed up the next day with "Hello." I responded much alter that night with "Hi. Travelling." T which she responded, immediately, "Where?" I simply said "Back."

 

I had taken a 4 day long weekend trip with friends over the course of our time together. I remember vividly how that seemed to rattle her. Almost as if she couldn't exercise as much control if I weren't in close proximity? She was contacted me all hours of the day and night when I was away. Literally I would get a text from her at 3:45AM and again at 6:00AM. She also always wanted pictures of me. I had spent the long weekend out of town with some friends and was travelling back when she was texting me that day. I admit I was purposefully vague and left her to wonder what I was up to. That last one-word answer seemed to tweak her. Silence again. I began to wonder if I overplayed my "indifferent" and unavailable hand?

 

Three weeks into the following wave of no contact, the gut-wrenching revelation that she was seeing someone else came to light. Further, and the part that still kills me, is that this gentleman was spending back-to back days and nights with her. I still have a hard time accepting this. It is all now so clear that she never had the depth of feeling for her that I had. I literally begged her for a stretch of time to get together, to see each other. She just couldn't do it. Now a month after I slip off her leash, she not only has another man over, but there carrying on like honeymooners? This came to light the first week of October. I have a hard time describing the depth of pain I felt. I don't have to, because I know many of you have felt it as well. I will readily admit that I had to seek counseling. My depression was affecting my work, my appetite, my life in general. I was 6 ft tall and 165lbs before (very lean and fit as it was), and I lost 10lbs in three weeks.

 

I talked and cried to family, close friends and my therapist. So many emotions pent up and commingled. I could not manage them alone. I am slowly beginning to build strength and perspective. I know I will make it through. I need to resolve the anger and the hit to my ego. I am ashamed of myself for allowing the jealousy and ego pieces such a prominent role. Aside from those elements, and even though she played my all along, I still miss this woman and harbor feelings. I know they will continue to fade as I continue to face the really and understand that I was never really happy with her -but the illusion of her. I am using no contact for the true purpose now ...to move on.

 

On election Tuesday (11/8) morning at 5:15AM I got a text form her that said "Hey there." Having been a devoted LoveShack follower for the past month, I am now fully capable of dealing with this breadcrumb by not dealing with it. This forum has been a life-saver. It's more effective than my therapist, honestly. I easily ignored that and she texted me two hours later with "Good, and you?" On Sunday night I was greeted with "Hi." Easily ignored again, only to be greeted Monday morning with "Hey" and, two hours later. "Good, and you?" It has been quiet now for 5 days and I suspect she will give it up. I don't need to block her because I am clear in purpose and have no desire to be with her again or be her friend (at least in any reasonably near future). The more she sends these messages the more the pedestal gets knowledge away and she is exposed as selfish and manipulative. In addition, in no trustworthy, as I doubt her new companion is aware that she is texting me for any reason.

 

For those that have taken the time to read through this version of War and Peace -thank you. I honestly did it as a form of therapy. I'm not sure that I even need specific answers as I know what I need to do. Just continue to ignore and move on building my own personal value and life back up, while creating room for a true and healthy loving relationship. I'm not there yet and I'm not dating. Soon. I need to forgive her and then myself. Forgiving her is proving challenging, particularly as she has started contact again. I hate how she is making me feel mean and guilty for ignoring her. I need to let it go.

 

If anyone does a thought, suggestion or even scolding -please do so. I so much l respect the collective compassion, kindness and wisdom of this community.

[Been]

You do need to block her. What reason would you have in keeping her number ?You don't want to be friends. Only thing it does is allow her to randomly text you. And like you stated what's the point of that?

People like that don't ever stop unless you MAKE them.

Case in point:Broke up with my ex. Didn't really matter-she had been unfaithful.

Moved all my stuff out. Told her what i didn't take or forgot do as she sees fit.

Keep in mind she had already started seeing someone.

I made the mistake of not blocking her. Soon she starts with the texts. She misses me but knows it's for the best. I forgot something while moving out.

I ask her to stop texting me. She listens for about a week. Starts again. Texts me about the dog we had together. Told her I didn't want the dog or anything from her. BLOCKED her number.

10 days latter I come home from work and she has put all this crap all over my front porch-80 per cent of it isn't even mine. And there's a dog in a crate underneath my driveway!!!

Know what I did? Called the police and filed a trespassing order on her. Called animal control and had the dog removed. HAVENT heard from her since. Why did I use this story to you?

People like my ex will never stop bothering you UNTIL they are done. They only care about themselves. And if they feel like contacting you months down the road they will. Doesn't matter who they are seeing,who you might be seeing they only care about thier needs.

If you let this go on and then all the sudden decide to block her she is going to somehow reach out to you-her ego won't allow her not to.

What I'm trying to say is the more you allow this to continue the worse it's going to become. People like her will figure out another avenue to get and keep your attention. You think you feel bad now just you wait till she pulls out all of her tricks/games.

Block her.

[Been]

Just remember chances are she's been doing this for awhile with men so she's become good at it. The more you stay in contact with her the more chances you give her to manipulate the situation.

The number rule with a manipulator such as herself is don't allow them to talk.

Because by letting them talk you are letting them use thier greatest weapon:lying.

[NopeNah]

Nice writing! I actually read it all. You seem to have your head in the right space..Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll get there. Those responding to her own text "things" are very showing of her. She sounds like a player to me.

[Introverted_Optimist]

BEEN

I do appreciate the experience and perspective you bring. The only recent debate I have really had, internally, is whether or not to actually tell her that she needs to stop contacting me. I am an optimist, and perhaps still naive as a result. I agree that nothing positive can come from the open access.

 

At least we are not connected on any form of social media or other avenues. We have never exchanged emails, either. If I block her she'll be left only with visiting my home or office. I cringe at the latter -but also don't believe that's in her. I believe she's too self-absorbed to make that type of effort. Her text messages are easy and lazy ..about all the energy she has to expend on screwing with my mind.

 

Praying4Daylight -Thanks for the kind support. I'd send you a virtual prize for the endurance award if I had one

[Bromeo]

The comment made about manipulation is incredibly on point.

 

My ex would disappear for a month upon learning of information that displeased her. A card from one of my exs cost a month in Louisiana.

 

Two times later, and I had enough, and went NC.

 

Women learn what works, and what suits their needs at the time. Mine told my sister she knew how to handle men like me. How'd that work out for her? Lol

 

You realize how valuable clear communication is.

 

If you want no further contact, be decisive.

[Introverted_Optimist]

I'm still engaged in the "process" of moving on, as it is a process that takes time. My follow-ups are posted as random thoughts in the "Coping" section in the "How are you coping today?" thread.

 

I've remained no contact, and she seems to have gotten the idea that communication is not welcomed as no further attempts have come in about a month. I do admit that to some extent even getting a breadcrumb is validating in that it means that for no matter the purpose, you still cross that person's mind. As things remain quiet, the finality sinks in. In may ways this is good and necessary for truly moving on. I now want the silence more than the validation that she has thought of me.

 

I'm struggling with her position on the pedestal at times, still. I'm also struggling with rewriting my future without her in it. There are random battles with residual anger as well, but I do feel that I am on the precipice of getting to acceptance. I truly wish for that wave of full acceptance and ultimate benign indifference.

 

Thanks for the support and feedback.

[travelbug1996]

Did I read correctly that this was a non sexual relationship? I know you spent nights together but they were described as cuddling. If there was no sex, maybe she only saw you as a friend.

 

Nevertheless, she does sound like a player but if there was no commitment between the two of you, it sounds like you were both free to do whatever.

[Introverted_Optimist]

Your interpretation is correct, Travelbug, in that we were not completely sexually intimate. There were, though, levels of physical intimacy well beyond the scope of what one would consider friendly. It's a fair question and point regardless.

 

I asked more than once if she were content with us being "pen pals" or if she had determined that friendship was all that she saw. She was explicit in answering that she had no desire to simply be my friend, and that she saw us as romantic partners when she envisioned the future. She was attracted to me, intensely, physically and intellectually. I'm paraphrasing her words.

 

I wouldn't be harboring near as much hurt or latent anger had I not asked the questions and gotten such answers. Otherwise I fully accept that I'm a grown man and responsible for interpreting signals and actions. In her case she was deliberate and purposeful. Player is the word used by my friends when referring to her.

 

Thanks for the thoughts.