CharmingCharlie Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I've been having major depression and major reality checks recently. I can't look in the mirror without hating what I see anymore. I Can't function properly and am continually an outcast in every job that I have held so far. I moved in with my boyfriend over the summer. My mom was not fond of this idea what so ever. She didn't like him she hates him and the fact that I was moving in with him was putting her on edge. She constantly complained that If he's willing to do that then he should at least get engaged to me if he's serious and not just trying to "shack up". I in some ways felt she was right but on the flip side there are plenty of couples that live together who aren't engaged. As a result of my insecurity, I probed him for a while to see where he was on that spectrum. Sure enough he seemed like proposing was on his list but he seemed to want to move in-together first before he pops the question. I understand I do. I even wanted to move in together to make sure financially we can make it and make sure we can support each other and see how stable this relationship is. Any who, at the time I was extremely pressured from my mom about this whole "he should be buying you a ring" thing for so long that it got me so anxious and upset that I practically dragged my boyfriend to stores to look at engagement rings. when he doesn't seam eager or considering to settle on anything I decide that I was going to buy one for myself and just tell my mom what she wants to here. So what do I do? I max up one of my credit cards for a hunk of metal that I hate looking at because when I wear it ir reminds me of a stupid, selfish,greedy me that I didn't think existed inside of myself. It just sits in the box and does nothing for me.... When I told him I bought it, he was terribly upset with me that I couldn't wait, and that I had practically take away what should have been his.... I guess I did spoil it a bit by doing what I did but either way since then our relationship has been like this.... I say or do one thing that sets him off and vice versa. We have explosive arguments sometimes to the point where we harm ourselves. I'm scared he's only sticking around because he's just trying to survive. I notice later that my actions where demeaning or inappropriate but he's just as flighty. When one of us has had a ****ty day and we drink, or get high or both one of us reaches an emotional low point. When he's beside himself I am there to comfort and try to understand the situation. but on the flip side if I'm the one with emotional trauma then I'm the bad guy and I need to "stop feeling sorry for myself". he kicks me tells me to get up and quit acting. he threatens he'll leave and never come back, he wants to sleep in his car as a different alteration to get away from me.... he gets physical an pushes me to the floor or twists my arm when I try to stop him from leaving the house when he's drunk or high he resists harder and my body can't keep up with it. Believe me however, he isn't going without he's just as spoiled as I am. I have a terrible compulsion to want to buy him stuff that I think he might like or appreciate to show my affection to him. He has claimed time and time again that I don't need to do anything for him like that however, when it's a big boy toy he's all over it. Just last week I bought him a 60'' wide screen TV on my credit card because it was a regular $1200 for $466 on sale with no tax. I didn't get it for him I brought home the flyer to show him but he insisted that he could pay me the payments if I got it for him. So I did. It hasn't come yet but I'm already considering returning it because I don't want it on my credit and I'm rather distraught over the fact that what if I'm really not of the value I thought I was to him... Why does it feel like every time this happens he doesn't really care for me but whatever he can get from me...but then again I am the one with emotional problems....
spiderowl Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I am sorry to hear about what has been happening for you. It does sound like you and your boyfriend both have problems. I get the feeling you are trying to buy love and attention from him. Please stop. You will only get into further debt. You need to focus on how you are going to get your debt down now not add to it. Maybe buying things temporarily makes you feel better and hides your pain. It sounds like you are feeling pain and distress at your situation as it is not how you think it should be (or how your mum thinks it should be). If there is counselling help on offer near to you, please take it up. Cut up the credit cards and don't apply for more. Seriously! I think deep down you do not feel your boyfriend is offering true love, that he is only with you for what he can get. And yet, you are the one who is offering him things - unless I am mistaken he hasn't asked for you to buy him things, has he? Somewhere in your life you got the impression people will only love you if you give them material things. This is not true, it may be a family 'idea' or framework, something you grew up with. Do you only love your boyfriend because he gets you things? I doubt it, you love him anyway. Real bonds between people are not conscious and not based on material things, they are just there because there is an emotional connection. I think you would both benefit from some external emotional support at the moment, i.e. not family as they are biased. Can you see if you can get counselling help through a local relationship charity? I think this would help you both.
Author CharmingCharlie Posted November 19, 2016 Author Posted November 19, 2016 I appreciate your responce, no he has not asked me to buy him things but he has made it obvious to me when he wants something or wants help obtaining it. It sucks because I don't know what to do here Im not afraid of him not wanting me anymore just because of stuff. That's not what hold us together but It just seams strange why he'd want me why he still tries to be in this relationship if he is quite obviously not satisfied with me... why does he want me? All he ever says is I miss what we had starting out but everything is great starting out always because theres more mystery and excitement involved because it's new... he doesn't see since August what good times we've had here... he doesn't seam to recognize any good nights we've shared and that scares me...
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