EchoDead Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Hello, ladies and gents. I've been registered on this forum in years past (many years now, in fact), but this username and this problem are new. First of all, I'm an introvert for the most part. I like to spend time using my head for something more than a spot on which to put my hat. I'm also a geek. These character traits led to meeting a girl in an online game and proceeding to move in with her across the country. But here's the thing..... I love this woman, she's got her issues but she means well and she loves me. From what I can tell though, neither of us are "in love" with the other. From the beginning, I never felt that a particularly fiery attraction was ever being fully realized in either case. Still, we did what couples do. It's been a little over three years (I knew her for a few before that, but not intimately) since I took the plunge and flew across the country to be with her. Since then, I have shown less interest as she and I became more familiar with one another's ... quirks. She's bipolar, which can be a handful in itself, and since she's been abused, it's more difficult to get close to her than with many women I've known. She's also extremely independent so there's the factor of my not feeling useful (a big issue for me). But these are all things that I can't help. The one area where I feel maybe I'm being unfair (or she is) is attraction. She's put on roughly 60 lbs. since we first met and before that she was sending me photos where she weighed even less than when she came to see me. The initial 20 lb. gain wasn't a big problem for me, honestly, but while I'm attracted to women with some curves, I feel like she's let herself go and has no intention of trying to be as attractive as possible for me. Now I know that judgment will automatically pop up in some people's heads, but this is my problem, not anyone else's. She and I have actually discussed this many times and we've both decided on a few occasions that maybe it'd be best if we watched our weight. Only that doesn't happen. Now obviously I feel guilty, because I've never been attracted to heavy women. I don't think they're disgusting (she thinks she is), I just don't want to have sex with them. On the other hand, she is not the person I first met, and that goes for both size and personality. We get along well enough most days but there's no passion there and quite frankly, she has said and done some rather cruel things in reaction to my own problems over the years that I can scarcely begin to tell why I stayed at all. I guess I'd just like some advice. A break-up would be difficult, seeing as I'm helping to pay back the loan we took out to get to Oregon, to say nothing of the monthly bills and the car, and blah blah etc. There's no way I could leave or think of leaving at least until I know she wouldn't be in danger of losing the apartment if I did. Do I just suck it up? I mean, it's difficult to listen to someone toy with the idea of having a child with you when you both know the sex isn't happening and neither of you are exemplary parental figures. She takes a lot of things personally and poorly at that, and I find myself looking at other women more and more often. I feel like I'm getting old and that soon I'll no longer be able to attract anyone with any kind of energy or lust for life (or me) and I think a lot about how I might be holding her back from meeting someone who would give her the things I can't/don't. I'll just assume that mess made any sense and that I won't be flogged for stating my personal preferences. I know some people are sensitive about weight issues and won't hesitate to take offense, but I mean none.
TheTraveler Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Join a gym together? Go on outdoor adventures in Oregon? Join a softball league? Change your lifestyle to an active one
Author EchoDead Posted November 19, 2016 Author Posted November 19, 2016 Join a gym together? Go on outdoor adventures in Oregon? Join a softball league? Change your lifestyle to an active one That's a good idea. However, I'm not sure how it would go at the moment, since she's constantly complaining of body aches and has been for many recent months. Just the other day I was pleading with her to see a doctor but of course everything has to be on her terms and she's "fine". Now me personally? I don't think you're "fine" if you're always shouting out in agony at the slightest motion. She worked her ass off this summer but she's only 34... how can someone be that sore all the time at 34?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Yikes. Well, if I were in your situation, I would work on myself and hope that she follows suit. Don't you dare make things complicated by having desperate sex and getting her pregnant. Right now, you should not further progress your relationship until you are at a point where you can see yourself, with confidence, spending a longer term relationship with this lady. Do you 'encourage' her to work on her health, body? Do you go on walks, gym together. Have you suggested these things? Perhaps she looks at what little you do and concludes that she shouldn't be so motivated either. (?) Get any co-financial obligations paid off. Does she help pay them off?
Author EchoDead Posted November 19, 2016 Author Posted November 19, 2016 Yikes. Well, if I were in your situation, I would work on myself and hope that she follows suit. Don't you dare make things complicated by having desperate sex and getting her pregnant. Right now, you should not further progress your relationship until you are at a point where you can see yourself, with confidence, spending a longer term relationship with this lady. Do you 'encourage' her to work on her health, body? Do you go on walks, gym together. Have you suggested these things? Perhaps she looks at what little you do and concludes that she shouldn't be so motivated either. (?) Get any co-financial obligations paid off. Does she help pay them off? The last thing I am is desperate, but she is trying to push me the past year or so - maybe into having something to make me stay if she feels things aren't going well (and a child can do that). Like I said, she's very sensitive to any criticism, constructive or otherwise. I'm actually very nice and gentle the majority of the time, though I know full well that a crack here and there goes too far. Still, even when I approach the subject delicately, she calls it a "lecture" and shuts down, wondering out loud why I can't just accept her the way she is. I don't know, maybe I'm not a good person. Maybe I miss what you were. Maybe I don't know what you are now. When we both have time off, we like to go places and do things, active things... but like I said in my previous post, she's in so much random pain all the time, she just as often likes to crawl in bed and not move for an afternoon.
TheTraveler Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 That's a good idea. However, I'm not sure how it would go at the moment, since she's constantly complaining of body aches and has been for many recent months. Just the other day I was pleading with her to see a doctor but of course everything has to be on her terms and she's "fine". Now me personally? I don't think you're "fine" if you're always shouting out in agony at the slightest motion. She worked her ass off this summer but she's only 34... how can someone be that sore all the time at 34? She's overweight and out of shape. Adding 60+ lbs to your body will do that. If she's not receptive and open to change to an active lifestyle... Start getting yourself ready to move on. 1
oldshirt Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I guess I'd just like some advice. A break-up would be difficult, seeing as I'm helping to pay back the loan we took out to get to Oregon, to say nothing of the monthly bills and the car, and blah blah etc. There's no way I could leave or think of leaving at least until I know she wouldn't be in danger of losing the apartment if I did. Go to Google, Type in the name of your city and then "apartments." That will give her a list of apartments to choose from. She can pick out whichever one she likes the best out of the ones she can afford. In regard to the other bills and loans, that is something that you sit down and divvy up and work out who pays what. If you simply can't agree on something, that is where lawyers and financials advisors and ultimately small claims court comes in. Is that all easy and painless and without some potential tears? No, but living like you are living currently is no picnic either. If the only thing holding you back is inconvenience of working out the financials, then that is simply laziness and inertia. Put on your big-boy pants and do some adulting. It's ok to consult a for-fee financial advisor and possibly even a lawyer if you have to. You're are going to have a few less dollars in your pocket when this is all done, but all of these things are temporary and will only be a relatively minor setback in the big scheme of things. You may have to shell out a few bucks initially but once you are free of her, you will be able to manage your own money yourself and will not have the extra financial burden of dealing with her and her issues. In a matter of months or a year or so, you will be ahead. 2
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 (edited) I think the body aches and fatigue have a lot to do with the weight gain... That is the vicious cycle. Do NOT have a child unless you are both mentally and physically healthy, financially secure, and committed to the relationship for the long term. To bring a child into the world with anything less is irresponsible. And to be honest, I would not trust her with birth control if she is pressuring you to have a child and she thinks it will hold onto the relationship. Especially with her bipolar diagnosis, if she is unstable and scared of losing the relationship, she may not have the best judgment of make the best decisions... Edited November 19, 2016 by BaileyB 1
Author EchoDead Posted November 19, 2016 Author Posted November 19, 2016 Thank you for the heartfelt advice, people. I will take it all into consideration. I also forgot to mention that she has PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), which might be another reason for weight gain (or at least difficult losing it). It also means (I think) that conceiving wouldn't be easy even if we were having sex regularly. So don't worry too much about another unwanted pregnancy in the world. I'm pretty sure her doctor told her getting pregnant is unlikely due to being overweight since weight gain can further complicate PCOS. That was a while ago. We moved to Oregon over a year ago and she hasn't seen a doctor in all that time. Maybe my main priority should be pushing her to do so. Even if it doesn't solve every problem, it couldn't hurt.
oldshirt Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 ....And for the love of all that is Holy, DO NOT KNOCK HER UP. Do not trust that she is actually using any birth control. Do not let your sperm anywhere near her ovaries. If you use a condom, take it off and flush it down the toilet yourself. Otherwise only blow jobs and confirm that she either swallows or spits into a Kleenex and flush the Kleenex. She knows darn well you are getting disenchanted with her and are looking for the exit door. If she is 34 and fat, she knows her fertility window is closing rapidly and getting your sperm before you bolt may be her last chance in her mind. Since you are this hesitant to leave worrying about the apartment lease and electric bill, she knows that you will be good for it for child support and helping to raise her offspring. She knows you will be a good chump and beta provider. Don't even think of ejaculating inside her. If you want to leave and move on with your own life, then be true to yourself and start doing an exit plan and move on. Being wishy washy and simply marking time in a dead-end relationship is making both of you miserable. If you make a clean break now, she will be motivated to straighten up, lose weight, get her health and vitality back and may be able to meet someone that does love her and they could have a home and family. If you stick around, she will be laying around in bed moaning at all her aches and pains, putting on weight and trying to get knocked up and having you pay all the bills and rub her swollen feet and change all the diapers because she's too sick and tired. Time to man up and live your own life. 3
oldshirt Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I also forgot to mention that she has PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), which might be another reason for weight gain (or at least difficult losing it). It also means (I think) that conceiving wouldn't be easy even if we were having sex regularly. So don't worry too much about another unwanted pregnancy in the world. I'm pretty sure her doctor told her getting pregnant is unlikely due to being overweight since weight gain can further complicate PCOS. . My mom had that and 53 years ago they treated it with birth control pills (and BC pills were many times stronger back then than they are now) I should also mention that I am 52 years old and will be 53 in a matter of months. And did I mention this was MY MOM? She had PCOS, she was overweight (but not even obese by today's standards) and she was BC pills that were stronger than they are today.... ......and yet - HERE I AM :-O 1
smackie9 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I only read half way through....I got to where she is bi-polar. Dude you are just staying because you are in a relationship and don't want to be alone...that is codependency. You are trying to make this into something better than it ever was. You lack confidence in yourself. To go find your true happiness, means you need to take risks, and I know for an introvert, that is very frightening. You are in control of your own destiny. If you want better, then you need to go somewhere else to find it. This relationship has run it's course, and IMO you both have over stayed your welcome. It's difficult, but it would be in your best interest to breakup and start a new. Have the confidence to know you WILL meet the one that lights your fire......never ever "settle" again. 1
MarkIVSteel Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Let me get this straight, you guys barely have sex, she got fat, you have a lot of debt together, you're not attracted to each other anymore, she's bipolar (which is a lot of issues on its own) and you're thinking of having a baby with this woman... Smh. This screams of zero options on your part. Especially the fact that you incurred debt and moved half way across the country for a woman you met over a video game. What you need to do is work on paying off that loan, sort out any other financial arrangments or obligations and get the hell out of that relationship. With bipolar women, it will only get worse as time gets on. 2
Calmandfocused Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I don't think you're main issue is the lack of attraction to her. The main issue is that you're trapped in a relationship that is dead. Or at least you think you are. No, do not "suck it up", my advice is do not waste your life (or hers). Yes, it's a nightmare extracating yourself from a relationship and yes it's expensive and very very hard. I'm currently divorcing and have 2 children so I feel your pain. But trust me, it's worth it. Don't keep doing this to yourself. Start the exit process, be honest but sensitive, but most of all - put an end to this misery.
LD1990 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 You don't want to be the one who beats the odds on knocking up a girl with whatever the hell condition she has. Of course she gained weight. She's in her thirties and you met her over a video game. And no, she's not going to start living an active lifestyle no matter what you try. Finding a girl who works out and plays an online game is like finding a cheerleader in the math club, it may happen once in a blue moon but you've got a better shot at winning the lottery. She's going to keep getting bigger as she gets older. Cut your losses yesterday and get out of this ****ed up situation. No amount of money is worth being miserable, spending your life with a girl you weren't even attracted to 60 pounds ago. 1
spiderowl Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 You no longer find her attractive and are looking at a way out. I think you need to tell her that things aren't working out for you. There is no point talking about weight, you don't want her to feel any worse about the break-up.
joseb Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 How on earth did you spend three years in this? It's unfair on her as well as you to drag this on any longer.
oldshirt Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Just some words of wisdom from an old dawg. I am 52 going on 53 years old. I do not regret a single person I have ever dated or 'been with.' I do not regret ever breaking up with someone when it didn't work for me nor do I regret or hold any resentment towards those who have broken up with me when things weren't working for them. What I do look back on and hold regret is the times that I was involved with someone that I knew wasn't "the one" and yet I continued to see them because I did not want to hurt them and I was afraid of being alone (a completely false and irrational fear BTW but that is a whole other topic) I also regret the times that I was with someone who was treating me badly or cheating on me or not really wanting to be with me but I continued to hold on and try to "suck it up" or "live with it" or "try to work things out." Those are things I regret. That is the time and energy and youth that was wasted that I wish I could get back. Things like bills and loans and rental leases etc etc may seem like a mountain at the time, but they are just a mere, temporary blib that can be worked out and in no time is just a faded memory if it is remembered at all. Wasting your time with someone that is not the right one for you is WORSE than being on your own. When you are with the wrong one, you are stuck and you know that each day is only going to be worse than the one before. When you are on your own, each day is a brand new day and the world is full of possibility.
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