When are pet names are okay?

[rainrhonda]

I get that some people are more affectionate than others. But I have one small hang up about it.

I'm 40 and single, I try to use online dating because at this age it's hard to get much...when your friends are all busy with marriage and kids there isn't much left for meeting new people.

Sometimes, if I start chatting with new prospects, they are quick to call me things like sweetie, honey, baby, etc. Before we meet...before we hardly know eachother.

 

To me these are words of posession used among couples. Or good friends perhaps. But it makes me uneasy in that, he must think we are together already, or a possesive type.

 

Or is it just politeness?

 

When is it acceptable or not acceptable to use words like yhis? Am I over reacting if I feel uncomfortable with this so early in the game? Once dating is established, I welcome it, and happily participate. But why does this make me want to run when it's before a guy hardly knows me at all?

[Satu]

Something in the past might have made you feel that way; maybe some experience you had, or something you saw happen between other people.

 

Thats not necessarily true, but it could be.

 

Can you think of anything that fits that possibie explanation?

 

 

Take care.

[rainrhonda]

Nothing specific like that comes to mind. I just know I get an uncomfortable feeling being called "honey" if a person has never met me yet so clearly I'm not their "baby" or their anything at this point. I'm not understanding why you call a total stranger something like that.

[rainrhonda]

Maybe because in my life, guys get offended or run off when they think I'm getting too close. So eventually I learned to be as cool and distant as possible. And it really helps. Except now I can't stand it if a guy gets too close too soon. I think it's just behavior I learned from how men have treated me honestly.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Some might think of it as a sweet term of endearment- but if it is a personal boundary of yours, say " I'm not comfortable with that, with someone I don't know, so please refrain from calling me pet names. It would be different if I was your girlfriend and we were in an established relationship with each other, but we aren't exclusive. So unless you want to ask me out properly, please don't call me " baby" unless it's invited".

 

I personally don't like it either. It's more of a respect thing. If you don't know the other person, don't be so bold as to assume " you have this one in the bag" by calling the other person what you think they want to be called.

 

 

It's the same if a guy starts getting " happy, eager hands" on the first date. It's this claim/entitlement thing. Respectful people, get to know each other within respectful boundaries and do not assume anything unless you've had that conversation and feel comfortable enough to proceed. You are well within your rights to demand the type of language, treatment and behaviour that you feel you deserve.

 

Plus, I think any guy who calls you baby without even knowing you, is kinda desperate/creepy.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I get that some people are more affectionate than others. But I have one small hang up about it.

I'm 40 and single, I try to use online dating because at this age it's hard to get much...when your friends are all busy with marriage and kids there isn't much left for meeting new people.

Sometimes, if I start chatting with new prospects, they are quick to call me things like sweetie, honey, baby, etc. Before we meet...before we hardly know eachother.

 

This. I don't care what anyone says. Before you've even met? I don't think that's on. So no. It's not you, " trying to protect yourself and therefore getting this big wall before you and the potential person" it's you trying to protect yourself out of self-respect. Don't second guess yourself in this instance.

[rainrhonda]

Well thanks. Now I don't feel like I am over reacting too much. And it's hard to come down on someone I like so soon, and try to explain why something so small is so important or not acceptable. I don't want to sound like a person wound up too tight, but don't want to be passive either.

Guess I have to feel strongly connected before using words like that, or to receive words like that, and don't understand the logic behind using them so loosely in a stranger situation. It really does make my stomach turn, and part of me wonders if I being too judgemental too soon.

[TheTraveler]

In regards to online dating, I never use pet names like baby, babe, etc

[joseb]

You are not overreacting.

Anytime I see or hear this I think "how fake are you, and/or how stupid do you think I am"

 

There is no way I'm ever calling anyone I haven't met baby sweetie or honey. The thought of it makes me through up a little in my mouth

[Sunkissedpatio]

You are not overreacting.

Anytime I see or hear this I think "how fake are you, and/or how stupid do you think I am

Same reaction! SO phoney balogny.

 

Or it reminds me of gangsters talking to strippers at a strip club. "honey, sweetie...":rolleyes:

[Popsicle]

It doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I like it.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Well thanks. Now I don't feel like I am over reacting too much. And it's hard to come down on someone I like so soon, and try to explain why something so small is so important or not acceptable. I don't want to sound like a person wound up too tight, but don't want to be passive either.

Guess I have to feel strongly connected before using words like that, or to receive words like that, and don't understand the logic behind using them so loosely in a stranger situation. It does make my stomach turn, and part of me wonders if I was too judgemental too soon.

 

How long does first impression last for? Three seconds, thirty seconds? Three days? If someone were to call me baby right off the bat, I'd have the right to judge them on future interactions and whether or not I want to see them again, based on that alone, which is " baby, sweety, honey". In the first instances of an interaction whether on a one on one date or online. The truth is, that person doesn't know you well enough to have earned the RIGHT to call you baby, honey or sweetie and unless you say something and stand up for yourself, they will continue to. I'd go as far as to say if you let that slide, it says more about their character, and who knows what more they think they could get away with when you DO start to get to know each other? will they start pushing for sex early? Will they try and push for anything physical early on? From my experience, the guy that calls you baby before the first date, will try and push for sex by the second date, and if he gets it, dump you by date three. I think you just have to distinguish your boundaries early on. Respectful guys will not push for anything because they already respect themselves and you enough to not go there in the first place, a guy looking for a hook up will call you a prude, if you have boundaries, but they will call you a prude to manipulate you to get what they want. And if they call you a prude and that's the worst that they're going to call you, well then they're lowlifes who have no respect for themselves or the person they date. You know what feels right for you, guard your heart and don't let creepy people try and convince you otherwise.

[rainrhonda]

One guy kept ending every sentence with "hun". How are you hun? That's great hun. What ya doing hun? I finally snapped and said I'm not your hun! Go away! I wanted to vomit everytime he said it.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me these guys are just "playing" the "game". Use these words to make a lady feel wanted/special. BUT to a mature woman, it makes us gag, because it is so phony and man childish.

 

I guess it's difficult to find a normal mature man these days that treats a lady with respect.

[spiderowl]

I know exactly what you mean. I think for some people, it is a possessive thing, that they want to be able to call you by a pet name and by allowing them to you are somehow showing you are interested in them. For others, it's just something they do. For yet others, I feel they doit because they do not respect women and feel they have the right, even though they do not know you.

 

Personally, it drives me mad and I'd rather they used my first name until we know each other a lot better.

 

In my experience, if a guy starts by calling you 'babe', 'honey', 'hun' or similar straight off, something is always wrong. Next thing you know they are telling you their wife doesn't understand them or asking you what you are wearing right this minute. Yes, it's a sign of deeper troubles unfortunately!

[ElizabethIII]

One guy kept ending every sentence with "hun". How are you hun? That's great hun. What ya doing hun? I finally snapped and said I'm not your hun! Go away! I wanted to vomit everytime he said it.

 

I have a female friend who does that. It is so fake and artificial. It drives me mad.

 

I finally said to her, my name is Elizabeth, not hun.

[Nowty V]

Way back when... some 12 yrs ago now, when I was using OLD, I found some people used Hon/Sweetie/Babe etc ... as they couldn't remember the name of everyone they were playing at the time and didn't want to call you the wrong name by mistake.

[ElizabethIII]

I dont mind complimentary nicknames.

 

An ex used to call me Gorgeous. I liked that as that implied he thought I was gorgeous.

 

But 40 year olds calling each other baby, sweetie: those are nicknames you'd give to your children.

[Noproblem]

Many people are singles regardless of their age might like nicknames of hate them

 

I hate people who use such words,

 

Baby

 

Ewwwwwwwwww

lol

you don't even know me, how could you call me baby

 

But you don't know what the other person mean. Like you might miss on a great opportunity because he said the wrong word online but he might be great once you meet him.

 

I don't think I would like to hear it after I know him as well.

 

Baby baby baby baby baby

 

Unless he is Justin

 

or maybe not even then

 

kidding

Edited November 19, 2016 by Noproblem

[alphamale]

i like being called "sweetie"

[Kamille]

I'm of two minds about this.

 

1) I wouldn't disqualify a guy for such a secondary detail. Nor would I feel the need to tell that person I didn't like it unless we actually met and things went well.

 

In part I think people express themselves in different ways and maybe this is just a habit he has.

 

That said, I'd be weary that

 

2) The guy was using pet names to rush intimacy, either because he's desperate or he fancies himself the next great womanizer.

 

 

Basically: Meet them and see what impression you get in real life.

[smackie9]

Next thing you know they are telling you their wife doesn't understand them or asking you what you are wearing right this minute. Yes, it's a sign of deeper troubles unfortunately!

 

 

OMG this made me laugh..... but it's so true!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Way back when... some 12 yrs ago now, when I was using OLD, I found some people used Hon/Sweetie/Babe etc ... as they couldn't remember the name of everyone they were playing at the time and didn't want to call you the wrong name by mistake.

 

This is very interesting!! I think you might be on to something....great point.

I can totally see this now.

[staggerlee71]

I think that men do this because they think it projects confidence. I'm a guy and have seen it plenty.

 

If it bothers you, I would open a discourse about it with him, from a learning perspective. For example, ask him in a why he does it but from a casual tone so as to understand why, not to make him stop. If you come from an inquisitive angle, you will learn why he does it and if he has half a brain, he will learn you don't like it without you actually saying you don't.

[rainrhonda]

I let it slide if it only happens once. But usually it's reoccurring and that's when it bothers me.

 

I agree that nicknames complimentary in nature are okay, because this is different. To call someone "Gorgeous" is nice, and doesn't imply possession.