Levels

[Alley00pster]

Ok so this girl I dated for awhile and then we became official a few months ago. Let me first say I love her perky optimistic personality which goes well with my laid back, sometimes silly, personable personality. She usually jokes if I'm left in a room with a 100 people I'll make a 100 friends. I've always had this down to earth mentality from playing sports. I never brag or talked about myself. Her and my friends laugh that I get flustered by compliments. I feel like if you do things good you don't need to say anything. People notice.

 

So recently I've been kind of in a slump. She's a doctor as is the rest of her family. So there's the status and money intimidation. They live in LA. I come from a decent level but not wealthy. For that reason I'm not materialisti. Her family has traveled everywhere. I've been to a few places but even with a decent job I can't travel too much. When we talked about her family and how they would receive a non doctor type she said they respect who ever I ultimately want to be with. That doesn't sound like they will be thrilled just simply accept. She tries not to put her job and money in my face but she does brag about herself. We both come from music background where she brings up a lot her pitch perfect ability. I was never formally trained. They just said I could sing so I was in musicals. She texts about how she wowed everyone at work whenever she does good things.

 

We were on a trip recently and I joked that she forgot a bunch of stuff that I remembered and had covered for us in case. Instead of laughing it off she got defensive and pointed out booking the hotel and such. I turned around like you know I was kidding right? Then she was embarrassed.

 

Her darkest moment to her (She literally cried telling it) was missing her first choice for residency for a year but got her second choice at a equally good school for a year. She said she questioned everything when she was turned down originally.

 

I feel like I'm reaching for a impossible standard of like perfect while she tries to say I want you to be yourself.

[Gaeta]

I feel like I'm reaching for a impossible standard of like perfect while she tries to say I want you to be yourself.

 

Why do you see this as You are not good enough for her, while you should probably see this as SHE is not good enough for you?

 

It would bother me to date someone that was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, that never had to make it on their own, that thinks being stuck with their second choice of residency is tragedy in 3 acts, and finally they think they're money and educational level makes them better than anyone else. Really, that's good enough for you?

[Alley00pster]

Why do you see this as You are not good enough for her, while you should probably see this as SHE is not good enough for you?

 

It would bother me to date someone that was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, that never had to make it on their own, that thinks being stuck with their second choice of residency is tragedy in 3 acts, and finally they think they're money and educational level makes them better than anyone else. Really, that's good enough for you?

 

I don't think she thinks her education and money makes her better. However, I do think her parents instilled in all of them the idea of finer things in life. She got into her field specifically to work with children. I do think she may struggle with the idea of being bad at certain things. She's never talked down my job but I do think she falls prey to needing attention to her successes/ experiences. She's never pushed the idea I needed to be at a higher level status, job, or moneywise though. To her credit she definitely has kept her fancy stuff in check. She knows it's not really my personality plus the financial burden. She's been very open about asking those things. She also knows that she's been afforded a lot of opportunities most aren't. She's always careful about talking about that because she knows I worked two jobs in college along with my college extracurricular activities.

 

Most of our friends say it's the cutest couple they've seen. My parents really liked her. I haven't met hers since they are across the country. When we don't have the ideas of money or family status hanging over things are fantastic. I teach her about sports and she teaches about cultures she's experienced.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Alley00pster

[Gaeta]

I don't think she thinks her education and money makes her better. However, I do think her parents instilled in all of them the idea of finer things in life. She got into her field specifically to work with children. I do think she may struggle with the idea of being bad at certain things. She's never talked down my job but I do think she falls prey to needing attention to her successes/ experiences. She's never pushed the idea I needed to be at a higher level status, job, or moneywise though. To her credit she definitely has kept her fancy stuff in check. She knows it's not really my personality plus the financial burden. She's been very open about asking those things. She also knows that she's been afforded a lot of opportunities most aren't. She's always careful about talking about that because she knows I worked two jobs in college along with my college extracurricular activities.

 

Most of our friends say it's the cutest couple they've seen. My parents really liked her. I haven't met hers since they are across the country. When we don't have the ideas of money or family status hanging over things are fantastic. I teach her about sports and she teaches about cultures she's experienced.

 

Then what's the problem dear? You won't have to live day after day with her parents. Maybe you should watch 'meeting the parents 2'. What is important is your relationship with her, not what her rich parents think. You are far from being a bum, you know it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have to agree with Gaeta regarding your second response...what's the problem exactly???

 

It appears this is all in YOUR head then hun.

[Buddhist]

People self sabotage using all kinds of justifications. So really, you're now reaching of the well her folks won't be impressed by me and sometimes she big notes herself. That's all you've got? Kay, guess you don't really want to be a relationship with her then. That's okay, but no need to start digging up dirt to justify the fact you just don't see yourself with her longterm. Just admit it instead.

[Alley00pster]

People self sabotage using all kinds of justifications. So really, you're now reaching of the well her folks won't be impressed by me and sometimes she big notes herself. That's all you've got? Kay, guess you don't really want to be a relationship with her then. That's okay, but no need to start digging up dirt to justify the fact you just don't see yourself with her longterm. Just admit it instead.

 

That's not true. In fact I worry about her commitment. She seems to not think about the future. She can't answer those things at all about where things may go. She's in a second residency right now and from LA. There's part of her that does want to be by her family and other that doesn't know. When she discusses things with others there's always I in it. I guess I don't know we stand and weighs on a bit when you wonder if it stretches to her family's opinion indirectly. I mean yeah we're getting along great and everything minus these issues but what comes next is in the air. The fact that it's all I and she can't answer any potential future things is concerning. I get living in the moment but then what? I mean are you gonna ask about moving across the country? Or somewhere else? Same place? When I think of things I think everyone including myself and the effects. I've yet to see if she gets out of that I mentality. That topic alone is tough.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Alley00pster

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating?

[Buddhist]

That's not true. In fact I worry about her commitment. She seems to not think about the future. She can't answer those things at all about where things may go. She's in a second residency right now and from LA. There's part of her that does want to be by her family and other that doesn't know. When she discusses things with others there's always I in it. I guess I don't know we stand and weighs on a bit when you wonder if it stretches to her family's opinion indirectly. I mean yeah we're getting along great and everything minus these issues but what comes next is in the air. The fact that it's all I and she can't answer any potential future things is concerning. I get living in the moment but then what? I mean are you gonna ask about moving across the country? Or somewhere else? Same place? When I think of things I think everyone including myself and the effects. I've yet to see if she gets out of that I mentality. That topic alone is tough.

 

As I said you're finding it hard to see yourself with her longterm. The reasons for that don't really matter, it is what it is. If the fact she earns more than you and her family are wealthier than yours is going to be an issue for you. Then it's an issue that isn't going to go away anytime soon. If you need to be in a relationship with someone of comparable wealth/circumstances and who's ready to include you in their future plans then she's not it. Possibly a Dr won't be it.

[Herbalist]

It sounds like she grew up with parents who were very demanding and critical, and that it gave her a bit of a perfectionist-narcissism streak. Narcissism (in terms of dysfunctions) is also on a spectrum. Someone with a good core nature to them who grows up with very demanding and critical parents might develop some issues while not being a full-blown narcissist.

 

Narcissists are often pseudo-perfectionists and require being the center of attention. They create situations in which they will receive attention. The narcissist's attempts at being perfect are cohesive with their grandiose self-image. If a perceived state of perfection is not reached, it can lead to guilt, shame, anger or anxiety because the subject believes that they will lose the admiration and love from other people if they are not perfect.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_rage_and_narcissistic_injury

 

Because you seem obsessively worried about what her parents will think of you, I am guessing that she has made it known that she, herself, cares a lot about what her parents think, another warning sign. Then you mention how she can become defensive over little mistakes that everyone makes sometimes, such as forgetting a few things on a trip, which suggests that she is hypervigilant about criticisms, as though she feels like she has to be perfect and anything that seems to suggest she isn't perfect feels like a personal attack.

 

So the big underlying question with all of this is, does she seem capable of learning, growing and changing, emotionally? Does it seem like your laid back and accepting nature is rubbing off on her over time? Has she been gradually coming around? Does she speak openly and honestly about her feelings, such as when the incident happened on the trip? Was she able to have a talk about why she got defensive, and where it comes from? How much insight does she have?

 

If you're seeing progress, then there is hope. But if you're not seeing progress, or are seeing things get worse over time, then it's a pretty accurate forecast of things to come. Childhood wounds and the resulting dysfunctions are things that have to be dealt with via a good therapist and the commitment to time and hard (emotional) work in therapy. These are not things that a lover or friend can 'fix' for someone.

[Alley00pster]

How long have you been dating?

 

Half a year. We dated exclusive but not in a relationship for awhile during that half year. She came off a relationship with a bad cheating deal that turned things upside down so we went on dates and I waited as far as doing anything until she kissed me one night. I do think there needs to be some thought into what happens ahead. As far as us, my current job, her work, staying vs relocating. My family is on the east coast vs hers on the west. Contrary to the post above money is not the issue. I mean unless it becomes a burden on one side.

[Gaeta]

That's not true. In fact I worry about her commitment. She seems to not think about the future. She can't answer those things at all about where things may go. She's in a second residency right now and from LA. There's part of her that does want to be by her family and other that doesn't know. When she discusses things with others there's always I in it. I guess I don't know we stand and weighs on a bit when you wonder if it stretches to her family's opinion indirectly. I mean yeah we're getting along great and everything minus these issues but what comes next is in the air. The fact that it's all I and she can't answer any potential future things is concerning. I get living in the moment but then what? I mean are you gonna ask about moving across the country? Or somewhere else? Same place? When I think of things I think everyone including myself and the effects. I've yet to see if she gets out of that I mentality. That topic alone is tough.

 

Now that we know:

 

* You have only dated for 6 months

* That part of that 6 months was not considered being in a relationship

* She was just coming out of a relationship when you met.

 

It is normal she has no idea yet of what she wants with you and what she wants for future plans. I think you are putting a lot of expectations and a lot of pressure on a woman you've been in an official relationship with for how long? 3-4 months?

 

The other concern is when you met she was just out of a relationship. When are people gonna learn to never date someone right out of a relationship...sigh! Chances are the rebound guy.