Cant understand what it is I'm actually feeling

[Moatilliata]

Hello all, I just wanted to post here to see if I could get some collective advice to try and make sense of my own feelings as I seem to swing so rapidly from emotion to emotion that I'm having a hard time finding any peace. I have been seeing a professional psychologist but the problem with this is she's not really allowed to make any judgements or statements about the actual real world things that I have been experiencing - so for example she cannot give an opinion on whether my ex has treated me fairly/unfairly as she can only focus on my thoughts and feelings and how to process them.

 

Please bear with me as this post might be a bit stream of consciousness and contradictory in places - plus please don't try to cringe too much if I make very inflexible unrealistic statements, it's just the way I'm feeling currently.

 

Basically went out with a girl for 10 months, fell extremely hard for her and I would say that I am in love with her. Objectively, I would say that she is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, she's also an extremely highly trained professional and so is incredibly intelligent. She treats her friends and family with warmth, kindness and she's very interesting and funny. She also has a daring/naughty streak which comes with the confidence of usually getting whatever she wants in life.

 

The problem is that during our time together she treated me extremely poorly - she was manipulative, very arrogant, very selfish, sometimes would throw tantrums like an actual 6 year old (I'm talking stamping feet and balled up fists) and she would try and dodge any form of commitment like the plague - she would originally say that she doesn't want a boyfriend because she wants to meet a variety of people, but then when I would say that its fine if she does that but we have to split up to allow her to do that she would then get angry/upset at me for trying to leave her. I know that I didn't establish good boundaries and let a lot of this stuff happen to me so some of the responsibility is with me - I think I was scared of losing the "chance" to be with a girl "like her".

 

In the end, she didn't even have to backbone to end things with me and instead contrived a situation where she basically forced my hand to end things with her.

 

Now then, the issue is that I feel massively devastated the majority of the time about losing her, despite all of the negatives that I've just written on the page in black and white. I sincerely feel like she is one of the "best" women in existence in every way and I truly feel like I'll never meet another like her as long as I live - my friends/family point this out as me putting her on a pedestal, but a strange part of my psychology seems to think there's no harm putting her on the pedestal as she deserves to be there with how amazing she is.

 

I go through occasional phases where I feel slightly angry and upset about how she treated me - and during these times I feel more constructive and slightly better about things - but then my brain starts to tell me that actually she isn't a horrible or selfish person because look at how she treats her friends and family. I start to think that the only person she treated badly was me and so I cant even be angry at her for being a nasty person because thats not her total personality. This means that whenever my friends try an cheer me up by saying I've "dodge a bullet" and that she's "toxic" I dont believe them because I feel like its only me shes treated that way. Plus, I know that with all her amazing attributes she can very easily find any man she wants with ease while I'm left scratching my head over whether I'll ever meet another woman again.

 

As you can tell, I'm super mixed up and swinging between sadness and missing her interspersed with bursts of anger. I feel like if I could just settle with one emotion - either be angry at her or feel sad that I've lost her it might be more tolerable. And this pedestal business is really throwing my brain for a loop - with any other girl I could possibly see how I might be exaggerating good qualities but seriously this woman is like a genius level supermodel who also happens to be really charming.

 

Confusion reigns - any comments would be helpful! Thanks for all your help!

 

(I'm 32 and shes 31 by the way - even though I sound 16, Broke up 12 months ago)

Edited November 18, 2016 by Moatilliata

[theex]

"Perception is reality." Like the professional counselor you're seeing, I can't tell you what your actual reality is. I can only tell you that I think what you're perceiving comes from within you and you're projecting it all onto this one person. Honestly, it sounds like she didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Now, you can choose to see it as one of two ways: 1) It was a you factor or 2) It was a her factor. For your mental and emotional well-being, it's better to go with the latter option. I say this because our ego drives us to think it's always about us and that we did something wrong or that something is wrong with us, but this may not have been the case at all. You are giving this one person way more power over you than she deserves. When someone doesn't want you, let them go. Focus on your positives and don't let anybody make you feel less than. Only you can dictate how you feel. Try to forgive this person for hurting you and think of it as an experience that you had to make you a better person who is more ready for a real, committed relationship with someone who does care about you and want to be with you. Everything comes down to a choice. You could either choose to feel down for another 12 months or you can choose to pick yourself up and keep looking toward a brighter and better future for yourself.

[Moatilliata]

I've been trying my hardest to keep my chin up - I've started running marathons (which is a big deal for me as I'm not the sporting type) and throwing myself into friends family and work. I just have this inescapable feeling however that I'm never going to get to be with a girl like this again - almost as if I've lucked out once and blew my chance.

 

It also hurts from a petty jealousy perspective too as I'm aware through friends that she has already been dating a couple of different men since me. It's annoying that so many doors in life open to her so easily because she was born with a particular set of genes - she'll never have to worry about dates or attention, people she meets think she's kinder/smarter/funnier than she probably actually is simply because she looks nice. Shes from a very well off background and so has had this confidence in whatever she does instilled in her by the virtue of always getting what she wants. She always used to boast about how peoples girlfriends should be worried around her because she could steal boyfriends easily.

 

Argh - I dont like the way Im thinking currently but my mind seems hellbent on focussing on this stuff.

[niji]

She treats her friends and family with warmth, kindness and she's very interesting and funny

 

and

 

She always used to boast about how peoples girlfriends should be worried around her because she could steal boyfriends easily.

 

Can you please help me make sense of these two statements? Because they don't make sense to me, at all.

 

Sounds like a pretty chick who's educated and well-off. And given that you've only known her for <1 yr I wonder how much you truly know about her "kindness" for friends and family. Many things can be deceiving on the surface.

 

A kind person doesn't go around smirking thinking she can "steal" other people's SOs. And nobody should be put on a pedestal. Everyone in a relationship should be treated equally. If you don't think of them as an equal (ie you think they're inferior or superior), don't be in a relationship - which is built on a foundation where both partners should contribute equally - with them. It'll never turn out well.

[spiderowl]

She might be wonderful to the people she chooses to be wonderful to, but it's clear from what you say that she is quite domineering and tried to control you. She also didn't make an effort to keep you because she effectively forced your hand. The good thing is you made a choice not to put up with her behaviour, which is good on you!

 

She might be physically beautiful (as opposed to you seeing her through rose-coloured spectacles). If she is, she has almost certainly got her way a lot of the time by being charming and flirtatious. Pretty girls can get away with a lot! They become super-confident as a result of the attention, praise and tolerance, and thus appear even more attractive to guys. It doesn't mean she is an amazing person though.

 

You had put her on a pedestal as far as what you would put up with goes. It's good that you drew a line. Someone else will come along with her qualities and more. It might not feel like that will happen at the moment, but once the 'in love' hormones have faded and you have got to know and become involved with other people, another woman is suddenly going to look more appealing.

 

Don't value yourself based on whether you could keep the 'amazing woman' or not. You are far better than that. You are a great guy in your own right. You could recognise her good qualities even despite the bad ones. It shows you know what you are searching for. She has come close to it but she is not the one. You are bound to feel confused by all this because of the near fit. Things will become clearer with time, it is early days yet. You have so much to offer the right girl.

[Redhead14]

Hello all, I just wanted to post here to see if I could get some collective advice to try and make sense of my own feelings as I seem to swing so rapidly from emotion to emotion that I'm having a hard time finding any peace. I have been seeing a professional psychologist but the problem with this is she's not really allowed to make any judgements or statements about the actual real world things that I have been experiencing - so for example she cannot give an opinion on whether my ex has treated me fairly/unfairly as she can only focus on my thoughts and feelings and how to process them.

 

Please bear with me as this post might be a bit stream of consciousness and contradictory in places - plus please don't try to cringe too much if I make very inflexible unrealistic statements, it's just the way I'm feeling currently.

 

Basically went out with a girl for 10 months, fell extremely hard for her and I would say that I am in love with her. Objectively, I would say that she is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, she's also an extremely highly trained professional and so is incredibly intelligent. She treats her friends and family with warmth, kindness and she's very interesting and funny. She also has a daring/naughty streak which comes with the confidence of usually getting whatever she wants in life.

 

The problem is that during our time together she treated me extremely poorly - she was manipulative, very arrogant, very selfish, sometimes would throw tantrums like an actual 6 year old (I'm talking stamping feet and balled up fists) and she would try and dodge any form of commitment like the plague - she would originally say that she doesn't want a boyfriend because she wants to meet a variety of people, but then when I would say that its fine if she does that but we have to split up to allow her to do that she would then get angry/upset at me for trying to leave her. I know that I didn't establish good boundaries and let a lot of this stuff happen to me so some of the responsibility is with me - I think I was scared of losing the "chance" to be with a girl "like her".

 

In the end, she didn't even have to backbone to end things with me and instead contrived a situation where she basically forced my hand to end things with her.

 

Now then, the issue is that I feel massively devastated the majority of the time about losing her, despite all of the negatives that I've just written on the page in black and white. I sincerely feel like she is one of the "best" women in existence in every way and I truly feel like I'll never meet another like her as long as I live - my friends/family point this out as me putting her on a pedestal, but a strange part of my psychology seems to think there's no harm putting her on the pedestal as she deserves to be there with how amazing she is.

 

I go through occasional phases where I feel slightly angry and upset about how she treated me - and during these times I feel more constructive and slightly better about things - but then my brain starts to tell me that actually she isn't a horrible or selfish person because look at how she treats her friends and family. I start to think that the only person she treated badly was me and so I cant even be angry at her for being a nasty person because thats not her total personality. This means that whenever my friends try an cheer me up by saying I've "dodge a bullet" and that she's "toxic" I dont believe them because I feel like its only me shes treated that way. Plus, I know that with all her amazing attributes she can very easily find any man she wants with ease while I'm left scratching my head over whether I'll ever meet another woman again.

 

As you can tell, I'm super mixed up and swinging between sadness and missing her interspersed with bursts of anger. I feel like if I could just settle with one emotion - either be angry at her or feel sad that I've lost her it might be more tolerable. And this pedestal business is really throwing my brain for a loop - with any other girl I could possibly see how I might be exaggerating good qualities but seriously this woman is like a genius level supermodel who also happens to be really charming.

 

Confusion reigns - any comments would be helpful! Thanks for all your help!

 

(I'm 32 and shes 31 by the way - even though I sound 16, Broke up 12 months ago)

 

You do not want a woman that you put on a pedestal. You want one who is equal to you/on the same level. If you put them above you, they become intimidating and you feel "lower" and that is where the trouble starts. You start putting her needs, her wants, etc. above your own and become a doormat. And that is how she was treating you.

 

From you description, she is a petulant, immature, spoiled brat who sabotages relationships.

 

Don't be angry or confused, be confident and secure in the knowledge that this woman was not the one for you.

 

this woman is like a genius level supermodel who also happens to be really charming -- All evidence to the contrary -- The problem is that during our time together she treated me extremely poorly - she was manipulative, very arrogant, very selfish, sometimes would throw tantrums like an actual 6 year old (I'm talking stamping feet and balled up fists) and she would try and dodge any form of commitment like the plague

 

It's time to analyze your definition of charming . . .

 

Take her off that pedestal and look at her in the eyes . . . then you'll see the real her.

Edited November 19, 2016 by Redhead14

[Downtown]

She was manipulative, very arrogant, very selfish, sometimes would throw tantrums like an actual 6 year old (I'm talking stamping feet and balled up fists).

Moatilliata, the arrogance, selfishness, and manipulation are warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for narcissism. The tantrums, verbal abuse, instability, and lack of impulse control are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that you read about these symptoms to see if they seem consistent with your exGF's behavior.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you discuss them with your psychologist so as to get a candid professional opinion on what you likely were dealing with. I also would suggest you read my more detailed description of those red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

I note that, if your exGF really does exhibit strong and persistent traits of BPD, she almost certainly would show evidence (e.g., irrational jealousy) of having a great fear of abandonment. Because you do not mention it, I am skeptical of her having a strong pattern of BPD traits. I nonetheless believe that a quick look at those traits may be worth your while -- before taking a look at narcissism traits.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD and NPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Moatilliata.

[Moatilliata]

Thanks for all your replies everybody, it's really helpful getting some outside perspective.

 

I know what I've written barely makes any sense but I think that probably captures how my brain feels currently. Theres such a high level of cognitive dissonance going on its untrue - I seem to be able to hold the belief that she's the most charming person ever while simultaneously having witnessed evidence to the contrary. But then again this links back to my point where she was very kind/charming to everybody around her except me so maybe that makes sense somewhat!

 

She never really openly exhibited high levels of jealousy - there were occasional barbed comments made if I met up with a girl friend platonically but, if anything the opposite was true, she always seemed to want to demonstrate that I didn't mean enough to her to be jealous! She would make a point of saying that she didnt care who I met!

 

Interestingly, one of my closest friends who works in mental health did say that she sounds "borderline for borderline" - i.e. exhibiting traits but not fully disordered. Plus me ex took some online inventories once when applying for a research study and used to joke that she had all the personality disorders simultaneously...hmmmm.

 

I think if somebody could just sit me down and say "dont worry, people rarely change so she'll be like this forever with anyone she meets" I think I'd feel a lot more settled about the fact that it has ended. I guess I just have a lot of irrational jealous thoughts that she might go on to treat all of her future partners so much better. Of course this is all wasted energy and speculation is pointless! In addition I dont want to wish a lifetime of unhappiness on her, I do want her to be happy! I'm just totally conflicted!

 

But still, thanks for all your wisdom! Its been a great help!

[Satu]

I'd just like to mention that you can't understand your feelings by thinking about them.

 

Feelings can only be understood by feeling them.

 

A lot of people think they are feeling, when they're actually just thinking about feelings.

 

Strange but true.

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

I'd just like to mention that you can't understand your feelings by thinking about them.

 

Feelings can only be understood by feeling them.

 

A lot of people think they are feeling, when they're actually just thinking about feelings.

 

Strange but true.

 

 

Take care.

 

OP, you are doing a lot of "cerebralizing". It's important to sit with your feelings and feel them. Take some time each day, to sit with your feelings, process them. Give yourself, say half an hour each day to sit with them. Cry, scream, yell, write. And, at the end of that time, FORCE yourself to do something else that is productive in some way. Be good to yourself.

 

Believe me, there will be things that you experience in your life that will make this seem like a bee sting . . .

[Downtown]

Interestingly, one of my closest friends who works in mental health did say that she sounds "borderline for borderline" - i.e. exhibiting traits but not fully disordered.... I'm just totally conflicted.

Mo, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

Apparently, your friend believes that your exGF exhibits a strong pattern of BPD symptoms putting her close to being "full blown BPD" -- but not sufficiently severe to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. If he is correct, this likely implies that you really did "dodge a bullet." A woman satisfying 70% or 80% of the diagnostic criteria (hence, "not having BPD") would be almost as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100% (hence "having BPD").

 

I'm super mixed up.... Confusion reigns.

Mo, if you really did date a woman exhibiting strong BPD traits for nearly a year, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling "super mixed up" and "confused." It is common for many of the abused ex-partners of BPDers to feel like they may be going crazy. Because the BPDers usually are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is one reason why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

[Been]

Your mad at her AND yourself for letting someone walk all over you. And your mad at the fact that you picture her having the time of her life while you sit in misery.

And further more your pissed off that you keep thinking about her.

She basically knocked you down. You can either stay down or you can choose to get back on your feet. You need to occupy your time. Me I threw myself into the gym. Every time I didn't want to go I used my ex for motivation. Because mine put me down a lot too.

[Sweetfish]

Careful with the BPD label...

She doesn't seem to be BPD, but more of NPD

[spiderowl]

I don't think a personality label matters greatly. All that matters is that she did not treat you with the respect you deserve. Thankfully you decided not to put up with it. That already puts you in a different place to those who allow her to walk all over them.

 

She doesn't want to accept that people matter to her and that they can hurt her so she is dismissive. I am sure she thinks about all these things too. I would not be surprised if she came back at some point and made approaches to you. The question is are you going to hold your own as far as standing up to her goes? Don't expect an approach - after all she apparently has lots of choices - but, if it did happen, consider how to manage it in a way that ultimately benefits both of you not just her.

[Moatilliata]

I don't think any label applies in this situation specifically - as Downtown said, everybody has traits of various PDs, some more strongly than others. The only thing with this girl is that I think she sees some of her behaviours as quite "glamorous" if that makes any weird sense. She would make frequent oddly toned jokes about being high-maintenance and a schemer but she seemed to be strangely proud of it at times as shed always have a smile on her face when saying it.

 

Unfortunately "the approach" has already happened and I handled it badly.

 

After the split I severed all contact for a good 6 months and didn't hear from her. Then she asked me if I wanted to meet for a drink and, silly me, I said yes because I was dying to see her. We had a few drinks which then led to dinner and we got on really well and had a great afternoon.

 

At the end of the day I walked her home to her flat with the full intention of going home. At this point she asked me to give her a hug. Then she kissed me. Then she invited me up to her flat for coffee. We spent a couple of hours talking and then, when I stood up to leave because it was getting late, she told me she wanted to sit on my lap. At this point we ended up sleeping together and then I went home later that night. Importantly, before we slept together I asked her the direct question of whether she was seeing anybody else to which she said "no" clearly.

 

I spent the the next two days feeling really happy and wondering why I hadnt reached out to her sooner. Then I called her to ask if she like to go on a date and meet up again at which point she said that she can't because in fact, she is IS seeing somebody else. Apparently she didnt tell me this before because she was "unsure of whether it was going anywhere with that guy" but she's also sure that she doesnt want to restart things with me.

 

Of course this whole thing massively backtracked my healing by a good few months and sent me into a bit of spiral of missing her/anger again. I should have known to definitely stick to my no contact but I was a bit naive. I know why I met her, its because I really wanted to be with her again but then I got stung in exactly the same way as before. Insanity - doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened Moatilliata, you do deserve better.

 

The only thing with this girl is that I think she sees some of her behaviours as quite "glamorous" if that makes any weird sense. She would make frequent oddly toned jokes about being high-maintenance and a schemer but she seemed to be strangely proud of it at times as shed always have a smile on her face when saying it.

 

This tells you what she is really like. What decent person would joke about being a schemer?

[mickeyanne12]

I'm sorry to hear you've been hurt so bad and are having a hard time moving on. I think it's pretty common, from what I've heard from people I know, that when something ends, we often look back with wistfulness that it's over, focusing only on the good times and forgetting the bad. There is no one right way to just "get over" a relationship. Letting time go by, and seeing a counselor as you are doing, is a very good thing. There's no time limit on when you'll be done grieving the loss of the relationship, and sad feelings will probably keep coming and going for some time. The fact that you're trying to move on and do other things is a good sign! Don't be too hard on yourself; healing takes time.