lack of intimacy with 2 year relationship not sure whats going on

November 18, 2016

This might be a little long sorry guys but any input would be great..Thanks

How long is long enough to know if a relationship is going to work/last? ... Ok let me explain this a bit more me and my partner have been together a little over 2 years now living together in the same home we met a bit over 3 years ago on line.. When we met on line we kinda had a on line thing going on before we even met in RL it was kinda expected that it would continue into RL when we got together mutually I thought..ok so time comes to meet up we do things seam ok I ended up staying with him at his family place until we found our own he wasn't happy living with his family cause they are a bunch of soul sucking trolls I know that sounds harsh but trust me on that one if they can use you in anyway they are happy to do so..

So needless to say he wanted out of there I needed a place to live as well at the time however what I didn't want to do was end up living with a face to face reminder of a failed relationship if things weren't right..so I kinda asked him were we stood before we even moved in together I told him if he wasn't honestly feeling it that was ok but that I wanted to get my own place and we could be friends. I thought that was a reasonable thing to say?..well he kinda hesitated but in the end he said we were together this was after a few month's of me staying with him so it wasn't a rushed thing mind you. He told me later that he only hesitated cause he's been hurt so much in the past I was like ok fair enough but just let me know if your not really into me he swore he was and he still dose..

Now here is the kinda odd thing other then kissing and cuddling and maybe getting to like 2ed base things have never gotten really "sexual" now I have a very low sex drive as it is (for various reasons) so its not like its killing me but I wont lie the complete lack of intimacy is starting to make me kinda feel bad and ive asked him mutable times if he's even attracted to me to witch he will say yes time and again he then goes on to say how he's impotent and how he thinks its cause of again being hurt in the past and if he doesn't go all the way he feels he wont be as badly hurt again..now that is quite a statement how can I really argue that with out looking like a total b***h face?

Yet it still leaves me feeling bad because my supposed bf is basically ok with not taking our relationship any further my self easteam is at a all time low and ive been finding im starting to resent him a little bit even to the point of being a bit crewel and making passing comments about his "issue"..trust me I feel horrible about it and I also feel a little ungrateful other then this issue he is the perfect man and I do love him so much we have a nice comfortable home and over all we get along great its just I feel really unwanted in that one way..

Its just so weird its like we have both put up a wall when it comes to this issue and we just dont talk about it we cuddle and relax together but neither will ever try to take it further in any serious way honestly its to the point its kinda awkward...I just don't know how to feel to be honest ive found myself entertaining the idea of just getting a side FWB but that's not what I honestly want I hate the idea of not being with the person im suppose to be in a relationship with but on the flip side its making me feel like **** to not even be wanted in that way at all... am I wrong?

November 18, 2016

So you are basically good friends that live together.

Being impotent is one thing. Doing nothing about it (ie seeing a doctor) and not expressing a physical desire in other ways is something else.

I'm sorry to say, but I don't see how this will work long-term. It sounds like he just really sees you as a friend, not a girlfriend.

November 18, 2016

So you are basically good friends that live together.

Being impotent is one thing. Doing nothing about it (ie seeing a doctor) and not expressing a physical desire in other ways is something else.

I'm sorry to say, but I don't see how this will work long-term. It sounds like he just really sees you as a friend, not a girlfriend.

One would think so but when ive actually said that to him he broke down in tears and told me how he didn't want to lose me...we have had that exact discussion a few times always with around that same end result..so the guy cares its clear im just confused as to why hes not doing anything about his issue..there is also the part were he said if he dosent go any further he wont get hurt anymore...to me that kinda sounds insane coming from a grown man..

Edited November 18, 2016 by Poe77

November 18, 2016

So you're basically friends without benefits. Lol

Sorry I just thought that was funny. But seriously, a small percentage of the population is Asexual. Meaning they have no interest in sex. There is a dating site for Asexual. You sound like even though you don't have a high sexy drive you're still interested in sex. Maybe, you being complacent in this sexless relationship for so long has him believing that you are Asexual. I would tell him that you feel the need to be intimate and if he isn't interested your going to have to look for a FWB. I wouldn't do this behind his back though, I'm sure he still has feelings, just not sexual. And if he's okay with this arrangement then you can do that. But, if he's not then he needs to do something, b/ c it's not fair to you that your needs are not being met.

November 18, 2016

One would think so but when ive actually said that to him he broke down in tears and told me how he didn't want to lose me...we have had that exact discussion a few times always with around that same end result..so the guy cares its clear im just confused as to why hes not doing anything about his issue..there is also the part were he said if he dosent go any further he wont get hurt anymore...to me that kinda sounds insane coming from a grown man..

What is his response to this? Why won't get seek help?

I don't buy that this is all about not getting hurt again. There is something more going on here. This might be an odd question, but have you at least seen him naked? Is he open to oral sex?

The bottom line is that you want a sexual relationship, and he doesn't. Unless he's willing to work with you on this, it's not going to get better. I would set a mental timeline for exactly how much longer you are willing to tolerate this without him meeting you halfway. And after that, I would end it.

November 18, 2016

If you want to have a sexual relationship, then this clearly isn't the relationship for you...

Seriously, it's a little unrealistic for him to think that a woman will want to have a relationship with him that is not sexual... And to blame the fact that he's impotent is really irrelevant. There are many impotent men in this world who have sexual relationships. This has more to do with his mental/emotional health and the fact that he has developed some very distorted thinking about sex/feeling hurt when a relationship ends.

November 18, 2016

What is his response to this? Why won't get seek help?

I don't buy that this is all about not getting hurt again. There is something more going on here. This might be an odd question, but have you at least seen him naked? Is he open to oral sex?

The bottom line is that you want a sexual relationship, and he doesn't. Unless he's willing to work with you on this, it's not going to get better. I would set a mental timeline for exactly how much longer you are willing to tolerate this without him meeting you halfway. And after that, I would end it.

Im not honestly sure why he wont seek help ive even made the joke about the little blue pill it fell on deaf ears and yes ive seen him naked it seams he is open to orel but only if I initiate it witch ive yet to do cause honestly it feels awkward being one sided hes even kinda gotten mad/frustrated that I haven't while at the same time hes not really helping to get things going ether.. its like he wants me to do everything.. and ok but at the same time that's kinda weird and ive never been with a guy like that..

November 18, 2016

I This has more to do with his mental/emotional health and the fact that he has developed some very distorted thinking about sex/feeling hurt when a relationship ends.

This might be a big part of things he seams to have some kinda distorted ideals when it comes to intimacy like from his foreplay "that ive seen thus far" its really rough like pulling hair HARD and biting kinda rough..ok that can be kinda kinky but it needs to be some what worked into things..the funny thing was before we met IRL he was bragging about how much of a stud he had been with his EXs and how they would go at it..he also said she cheated on him and it really did seam to hurt him so im not completely discounting that but yeah..

November 18, 2016

This might be a big part of things he seams to have some kinda distorted ideals when it comes to intimacy like from his foreplay "that ive seen thus far" its really rough like pulling hair HARD and biting kinda rough..ok that can be kinda kinky but it needs to be some what worked into things..the funny thing was before we met IRL he was bragging about how much of a stud he had been with his EXs and how they would go at it..he also said she cheated on him and it really did seam to hurt him so im not completely discounting that but yeah..

This makes me think that something is really off. Yeah, he may have been hurt but this is not a normal reaction to being hurt in the past. The fact that he likes to engage in aggressive foreplay... Red flag!

I personally would not be giving this guy oral if he's not giving anything back. Uh-uh, not going to happen. I'm sorry to say it, but I'd be out the door of this relationship. I think you deserve much more than this Poe.

November 18, 2016

In two years you have never been able to clearly ask him why he won't get help?

There are some big communication issues between the two of you. It's not healthy or normal that you two do not talk about matters like this. It seems he is fine with the status quo and you're afraid to rock the boat by asking questions. This points to a lack of emotional intimacy too.

I think you are going to find that he is not being totally honest with you. About...something. What that is, only he knows right now. But there's a gigantic Pink Elephant in your relationship and it's only going to get bigger.

He's avoiding sex for a reason.

November 18, 2016

T I think you deserve much more than this Poe.

See that's just the thing tho other then this weird behavior circled around sex hes a truly good guy ide even say the best one ive ever been with he treats me very well/respectfully he dose things for me the little things like make my coffee every morning sweet things like text me he loves me or brings home chocolates from his work for me it shows to me anyways hes thinking about me even when we are not together.

When I got sick this past year he was at the hospital almost every day even tho he was dead tired and he took care of me when I got out he really is a good person and he clearly cares for me with what ive said I know the knee jerk thing to say is its a bad relationship but you have to keep in mind its only in the bed room that hes lacking everything else I could not ask for better hence why im so torn and confused.. but I do thank you for that concern Bailey

November 18, 2016

Does he masterbate?

November 18, 2016

See that's just the thing tho other then this weird behavior circled around sex hes a truly good guy ide even say the best one ive ever been with he treats me very well/respectfully he dose things for me the little things like make my coffee every morning sweet things like text me he loves me or brings home chocolates from his work for me it shows to me anyways hes thinking about me even when we are not together.

When I got sick this past year he was at the hospital almost every day even tho he was dead tired and he took care of me when I got out he really is a good person and he clearly cares for me with what ive said I know the knee jerk thing to say is its a bad relationship but you have to keep in mind its only in the bed room that hes lacking everything else I could not ask for better hence why im so torn and confused.. but I do thank you for that concern Bailey

OP, what happens in the bedroom is precisely what distinguishes good, close friendships from romantic partnerships.

We're not suggesting that he is mistreating you. We are saying you have a best friend in him. But do you want a best friend, or do you want a boyfriend?

November 18, 2016

In two years you have never been able to clearly ask him why he won't get help?

There are some big communication issues between the two of you. It's not healthy or normal that you two do not talk about matters like this. It seems he is fine with the status quo and you're afraid to rock the boat by asking questions. This points to a lack of emotional intimacy too.

I think you are going to find that he is not being totally honest with you. About...something. What that is, only he knows right now. But there's a gigantic Pink Elephant in your relationship and it's only going to get bigger.

He's avoiding sex for a reason.

Its not for a lack of me not trying we have had small arguments over it in the past each time he pretty much has said the same thing how he was hurt in the past and then his impotence issue came out later. I caut him on line with another girl he met in a game fooling around last year actually she confronted me when she learned he was with me we all play the same games apparently eh yay..not..!

Anyways she was trying to get him in trouble with me I guess I listened to her and then confronted him but didn't continue any drama over it with her I just blocked her. he said he saw how much it hurt me and he said he would never do that again and he didn't even know why he had. I think that also created a big fisher in the relationship it was a trust break and tho im just about over it there will always be that "what is he up to on line" in the back of my head *sigh.

I know hes not meeting anyone in RL were together 24/7 when hes not at work..but yeah once trust it broken in any form? I guess it takes a while to heal completely.. maybe this is also why I haven't been as gung ho as I might have been prior to that mishap.. I will agree with you for some reason he is avoiding sex at this point I really wish he would just be honest about why and then we could go from there..

November 18, 2016

Does he masterbate?

I would imagine so but if he dose its not around me he must be doing it in the shower..unless he just doesn't all together I guess that's possible to..

OP, what happens in the bedroom is precisely what distinguishes good, close friendships from romantic partnerships.

We're not suggesting that he is mistreating you. We are saying you have a best friend in him. But do you want a best friend, or do you want a boyfriend?

Ive had best friends I know what that's all about and honestly ive never texted my best friend I love yous back and forth nor made out with them and gone to any sexual lengths things do happen between us just it doesn't go very far.. its like it stalls out and become awkward at some point..

November 18, 2016

It doesn't matter what his problem is, what matters is that he's not doing anything about it and it seems like he's never going to do anything about it. So what's the point in agonizing over it? You have to ask yourself if this is the life you want to live. If it's not then you need to end this relationship and get on with your life. Sitting around waiting for your bf to change when he obviously isn't going to is a big waste of your time. Either accept it or don't accept it. If you don't accept it then it's up to you to make a change.

November 18, 2016

He used to have sex, even considered himself a stud. He was cheated on.

He probably had his sexual confidence crushed. He thought things were good in bed, then she cheated. Right? As for you doing everything and him basically doing nothing, and not wanting more than oral, its a loss of sexual confidence and not wanting to displease you with the only ways he knows in bed.. that didnt work out before. Follow? You are going to have to be patient here and steer the wheel for a while sexually. He needs to know what you like. Specifically. What turns you on, what turns you off, what you like in detail. He has lost confidence in his own sexual game in the bedroom, so you will have to recreate it with one tailored to you specifically, not all women. That should in time bring his confidence back.

I don't buy the impotency or anything. Maybe he is on meds that kill his drive, but are you seeing him 'not in the mood' period, or just not in the mood to go to far. If its not the mood to go to far, than likely its an emotional issue stemming from what I mentioned. Right now, he believes if you have sex, he will be the problem. You have to let him know that he will be the solution, cause you need it.

November 18, 2016

I would imagine so but if he dose its not around me he must be doing it in the shower..unless he just doesn't all together I guess that's possible to..

Ive had best friends I know what that's all about and honestly ive never texted my best friend I love yous back and forth nor made out with them and gone to any sexual lengths things do happen between us just it doesn't go very far.. its like it stalls out and become awkward at some point..

If he's masturbating, he's not impotent. He can obviously get and maintain an erection if he pleasures himself.

I don't necessarily think he's cheating, though he doesn't sound particularly trustworthy either. I am thinking more that he's got some skeletons in his closet that are not related to being hurt in the past.

And I assumed you realized I was being facetious calling him your best friend. I get there's more to it than that, but are two behaving like a "normal" couple? No. Are you happy in a sexless relationship? Obviously not. You can either address it head-on and demand he get help or at least be honest, or continue to live with a guy who will not make love to you.

Edited November 18, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

November 19, 2016

He used to have sex, even considered himself a stud. He was cheated on.

He probably had his sexual confidence crushed. He thought things were good in bed, then she cheated. Right? As for you doing everything and him basically doing nothing, and not wanting more than oral, its a loss of sexual confidence and not wanting to displease you with the only ways he knows in bed.. that didnt work out before. Follow? You are going to have to be patient here and steer the wheel for a while sexually. He needs to know what you like. Specifically. What turns you on, what turns you off, what you like in detail. He has lost confidence in his own sexual game in the bedroom, so you will have to recreate it with one tailored to you specifically, not all women. That should in time bring his confidence back.

I don't buy the impotency or anything. Maybe he is on meds that kill his drive, but are you seeing him 'not in the mood' period, or just not in the mood to go to far. If its not the mood to go to far, than likely its an emotional issue stemming from what I mentioned. Right now, he believes if you have sex, he will be the problem. You have to let him know that he will be the solution, cause you need it.

Thank you Gorf this is rather helpful and makes me think of things in a different way I do know that hes not on any meds I would know about them but I will take your advice into serious consideration im guessing its coming from a mans perspective? thanks again..

It doesn't matter what his problem is, what matters is that he's not doing anything about it and it seems like he's never going to do anything about it. So what's the point in agonizing over it? You have to ask yourself if this is the life you want to live. If it's not then you need to end this relationship and get on with your life. Sitting around waiting for your bf to change when he obviously isn't going to is a big waste of your time. Either accept it or don't accept it. If you don't accept it then it's up to you to make a change.

You dont believe that relationships can be worked on? surely it cant always be easy but it must be able to be done other then the sex issue we are over all happy why just throw that all away and maybe down the road I end up with a guy who just wants sex and treats me badly..

If he's masturbating, he's not impotent. He can obviously get and maintain an erection if he pleasures himself.

I don't necessarily think he's cheating, though he doesn't sound particularly trustworthy either. I am thinking more that he's got some skeletons in his closet that are not related to being hurt in the past.

And I assumed you realized I was being facetious calling him your best friend. I get there's more to it than that, but are two behaving like a "normal" couple? No. Are you happy in a sexless relationship? Obviously not. You can either address it head-on and demand he get help or at least be honest, or continue to live with a guy who will not make love to you.

I dont know if he is or isn't masturbating I know when he was chatting with the chick he wasn't cause half the time we were in the same room I think for him its the mental stimulation he seams to like and I dont think he really saw it as cheating cause he wasn't touching the chick I guess it equated to interactive porn? *shrugs I dunno...

Far as the "friend thing" a few posters made that comment and I guess it could look like that at a glance but that's kinda not the truth and honestly it got a bit annoying being told my relationship isn't valid at all when I know it very much is..even having it joked about isn't really cewl so I guess then even a Asexual relationship wouldn't be a valid romantic relationship to some here cause there is little or no sex involved?

Im not even into porn that much if I watch it once a month that's a lot so that goes back to im not a overly sexual person myself these days.. honestly I dont think its the "sex" itself I miss its knowing that its missing that is bothering me if that makes scene? knowing that most relationships do have that element and we dont makes me uncomfortable I guess..prob why I haven't pushed it..I wouldn't really say im Asexual I can enjoy the act I just dont "NEED" it like a lot do in today's world...

November 19, 2016

What is now stopping you from talking to him, openly and honestly?

Relationships can indeed be worked on, but only if both parties are working on it. At the moment, you're the only one who seems interested in doing so. If he won't get on board, you're out of luck.

November 19, 2016

2yrs and you've never had sex once? Okay, something is not right with this picture. I'd hazard a guess he's not being upfront with you about his sexual [orientation]. He could be gay, he could be asexual, he could have a medical issue that makes him impotent or without any libido at all. But if he's avoiding the issue then you're going to have to take a stand. You either want intimacy or you're going to have be comfortable with a completely sex-free relationship.

November 19, 2016

What is now stopping you from talking to him, openly and honestly?

Relationships can indeed be worked on, but only if both parties are working on it. At the moment, you're the only one who seems interested in doing so. If he won't get on board, you're out of luck.

I have tried to talk to him last time I made a real effort to bring it up is when he said he has the impotence issue any further efforts have been more suddle and he gets sad when I bring it up saying how im making fun of his issue..im going to just have to try to make a serious move at some point and see were we go from there if he goes with it ok we have a start if not then maybe we have a real issue ether way I will find out the truth about the supposed "impotence"..

2yrs and you've never had sex once? Okay, something is not right with this picture. I'd hazard a guess he's not being upfront with you about his sexual [orientation]. He could be gay, he could be asexual, he could have a medical issue that makes him impotent or without any libido at all. But if he's avoiding the issue then you're going to have to take a stand. You either want intimacy or you're going to have be comfortable with a completely sex-free relationship.

Na def not gay ive dated a closet gay man before so I know what that's like this guy is straight as a arrow trust me hes not gay or even BI.. I guess it is possible he has a medical issue I know he has a form of narcolepsy but hes not in treatment for it as it only affects one part of his life...weird I know but that's how it is..I dont think hes Asexual cause like I said I caut him chatting up that chick on line and trust me he was into it unless he can just fake that and I dunno why one would for some stranger on line..

November 19, 2016

When he initiates the aggressive foreplay or when you are making out or whenever things turn in the least bit sexual, or in the mornings maybe - does he actually get an erection, can he maintain an erection?

November 19, 2016

When he initiates the aggressive foreplay or when you are making out or whenever things turn in the least bit sexual, or in the mornings maybe - does he actually get an erection, can he maintain an erection?

A semi one and not for very long..I think in the 2 years ive only seen him with maybe 1 or 2 true ones that lasted a while even his morning "pee boners" are not really that hard

November 19, 2016

Definitely sounds like impotence

How old is he?

He cannot just blame the ex's cheating for this, he needs to see a doctor ASAP if he hasn't already done so, as it could be a sign of more serious health issues. Psychological reasons may be the cause, but he needs to exclude all other causes before he should assume that.

Erectile dysfunction (impotence) - NHS Choices

Edited November 19, 2016 by elaine567

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lack of intimacy with 2 year relationship not sure whats going on

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