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My girlfriend of 1.5 years doesn't mind transitioning into an open relationship.

indyboy362

By indyboy362
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indyboy362 Member

indyboy362

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Me: 26M

Her: 24F

Currently long-distance. 2 hour drive. First year of relationship was in the same city.

 

So basically my gf doesn't care if we go into an open relationship or not. We're currently monogomous which I'm perfectly happy with. She stated today that she's fine with either one and doesn't really prefer one to another. The entire time we've dated it's been non-open and we've never discussed being open ever. It seems like a surprise to me since I've always just assumed she's wanted it only non-open based on her mannerisms and things she says. Shouldn't she have a strong opinion on which one she wants? She literally doesn't care which way it goes.

 

It just feels like an insult to me that she doesn't mind being open because it feels like I might not be enough for her. I'm not particularly knowledgeable about how those relationships work, but shouldn't both partners who are in a non-open strictly want to be with each other only? It feels weird that she's fine with sleeping with other people while being with me. And she has also said she's down for whatever I choose for the relationship. If I'm down for an open relationship, then she's fine with it too. She doesn't care which way it goes.

 

Is this off here or am I tripping? I feel disrespected a little bit here because I don't want my girlfriend not really caring about what our relationship is defined as sexually.

NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

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How did this topic come up in the first place?

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Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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So basically my gf doesn't care if we go into an open relationship or not. Shouldn't she have a strong opinion on which one she wants? She literally doesn't care which way it goes.

 

I think a lot of the times when people with no history of this suddenly suggest it, they are pretty much thinking of themselves having sex with others and choosing not to consider their partner doing the same and how they would feel about that. Maybe your GF really would be okay with you screwing other women, I'm not in her head so I can't know. But I somehow suspect that she's gotten bored with long distance and this is convenient way for her to segue into a new relationship with someone else.

 

It just feels like an insult to me that she doesn't mind being open because it feels like I might not be enough for her. And she has also said she's down for whatever I choose for the relationship. If I'm down for an open relationship, then she's fine with it too. She doesn't care which way it goes.

 

No matter what is going on with her, I somehow think her investment in her relationship with you is either low at this point or rapidly waning. Maybe you suspect the same thing and that's why you feel insulted by the suggestion? Leaving it entirely your decision is an easy way to justify the relationship ending without her having to put an end to it herself. Kind of the cowards way out, if this is true.

 

If I were I'd call her out on her investment in the relationship waning and see what she says. Reinterate your stance and make her choose, either an exclusive relationship with you or none at all (if exclusivity is what you want). To my mind, LD and open just spells dating other people permanently really. I don't think she gets what an open relationship really is, it's not just screwing anyone and you're both okay with it. There still has to be boundaries and agreed terms between the primaries.

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indyboy362 Member

indyboy362

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Last week I brought it up randomly and said we should have an open relationship as a joke. I like teasing her. She said okay why not. I said I was kidding but she still said she didn't mind it. I brushed it off since it didn't seem serious.

 

Then today it was randomly brought up in conversation again because it occurred in a TV show we watch together. She said "yeah we should have an open relationship". She was smiling while saying it too. That's when our argument started about whether she cares or not about being in one or not.

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indyboy362 Member

indyboy362

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No matter what is going on with her, I somehow think her investment in her relationship with you is either low at this point or rapidly waning. Maybe you suspect the same thing and that's why you feel insulted by the suggestion? Leaving it entirely your decision is an easy way to justify the relationship ending without her having to put an end to it herself. Kind of the cowards way out, if this is true.

 

I'm not sure. She loves me very much and shows it through her actions. I do disappoint her at times through minor issues, but overall the relationship seems great through my perspective.

 

Could it be that she's cheating on me by chance? And trying to turn your current relationship into an open relationship is just a way of making the cheating okay? I feel like she's saying these things as a way of escapism, but I'm not entirely sure.

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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So you baited her? And she's now baiting you right back....:laugh: Clearly you wanted a negative reaction from her, to stir some kind of jealousy and she called your bluff basically. Yeah, I take back what I said earlier. She's just playing your own game with you and you don't like it very much. Maybe you should learn not to play silly games.

 

Imho you can feel insulted all you like but you're the one who put it out there first. Shouldn't ask questions if you don't want to know the answer. :p

  • Like 4
gorf Established Member

gorf

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To sum up everything you just said, it would be this: she does not care. She does not care about you, the relationship, where you two go, where you two and 'others' go, if you want it fine if not whatever etc etc, she does not care

 

this girl is emotionally checked out.

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Long distance doesn't work. That's your first problem.

 

Your second problem is that your girlfriend wants to have sex with other guys and may very well have already done so. The only way she would be cool with saying "let's have an open relationship" is if she already has at least one guy lined up to bang. Either you agree to the open relationship and she has sex with other guys, or you don't and she'll end up cheating sooner or later.

 

Cut your losses and move on.

  • Like 3
Els Established Member

Els

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Last week I brought it up randomly and said we should have an open relationship as a joke. I like teasing her. She said okay why not. I said I was kidding but she still said she didn't mind it. I brushed it off since it didn't seem serious.

 

Uhhhh... okay. Honestly, the moral of the story here is don't make 'jokes' if you can't handle the fallout. I don't know what your gf is genuinely wanting or thinking of, but given that you mentioned it first (even if in 'jest'), it's entirely possible that she's just 'joking' right back.

 

Has she given any other indications that she doesn't want to be in a monogamous R with you?

 

Also... a 2 hour drive is not really a 'long distance' relationship IMO.

NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

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So you baited her? And she's now baiting you right back....:laugh: Clearly you wanted a negative reaction from her, to stir some kind of jealousy and she called your bluff basically.
Yep, that's what I suspected.

 

OP, you shouldn't bait your girlfriend. You might not like the result.

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indyboy362 Member

indyboy362

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Yep, that's what I suspected.

 

OP, you shouldn't bait your girlfriend. You might not like the result.

 

It was not a bait. We just generally tease each other about our relationship. Sometimes she'll say things like "haha what if I was bisexual" or something like that. We were talking about my friend who used to be in an open relationship and I randomly said "haha what if we were in one" as a joke. Before this comment there were no suspicions or talk about an open relationship so I had no reason to try and bait her. My suspicions started after she replied.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Sorry to say, but she's got one foot out the door on this relationship. The distance isn't working for her anymore, clearly.

 

She wants to have sex with other guys. Those I know in open relationships usually don't suddenly come up with this idea 1.5 years into the relationship. I think this interest in other men is symptomatic of a much bigger problem in the relationship, which is that her interest in you is fading while her interest in other guys is growing. There is likely someone else she has in mind and is looking for a pass to sleep with him without technically cheating.

 

You need to really step back and reconsider your relationship. You have just found out you are no longer on the same page.

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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Hahaha...

 

If she was testing you: You failed.

If she wanted to see if your a man: failed

 

When ever you get a test like this: Stand your ground or play the game.

 

Only two things would have came outta my mouth...

 

"Hell no!"

 

Grin: "Jessica here I come!"

Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

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She actually said 'Ha ha What if I was bisexual??" Buddy, that was no joke. She was telling you something important about herself. At least now I see why she appears so... apathetic about your relationship. You don't have a vagina. You are at best only going to be half the equation for this girl. You are never going to be able to fulfill her even in principle. The last joke you need to tell her is 'Ha ha, I found a real woman who wants only a real man in a committed relationship...see 'ya on the flip side!"

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Uhhhh... okay. Honestly, the moral of the story here is don't make 'jokes' if you can't handle the fallout. I don't know what your gf is genuinely wanting or thinking of, but given that you mentioned it first (even if in 'jest'), it's entirely possible that she's just 'joking' right back.

 

Has she given any other indications that she doesn't want to be in a monogamous R with you?

 

Also... a 2 hour drive is not really a 'long distance' relationship IMO.

 

Yeah, no one to blame here but yourself OP.

 

fwiw, my guess tho is she's not just shyt-testing you and she would like to dabble, bc it does sound like she's not particularly invested. So bscly you had a borderline GF on your hands and you handed her the keys to experiment elsewhere by "teasing" her.

central Established Member

central

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Maybe your "joke" implied to her that an open relationship is what you want, or perhaps are already doing. She turned it back on you. You have some repair work to do if this is going to work out, but LDRs seldom work out anyway, so your task is magnified.

inmyownworld Established Member

inmyownworld

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It's very possible to be completely invested in a relationship and for it to be open. Whether she is invested, I have no idea.

 

It's also possible for a person to be fine whether a relationship is open or not. What I have seen is that the person has a preference for one, but if they are with a person they really like/love, they will be fine either way for the sake of being with that person.

 

I have been involved with alternative lifestyles for quite some time. It's difficult for strictly monogamous people to wrap their head around different ways that people think. Totally normal.

Methodical Established Member

Methodical

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You say you meant this as a joke, but in reality, ppl rarely joke about sth like this unless they have seriously thought about. You expected her to get upset and defensive. When that didn't happen, it was a slap to your ego. It's baffling that you have conjured up that she disrespected you when you are one who started this.

 

This is why saying like "careful what you wish for bc it might come true" exist.

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WomenWubber Established Member

WomenWubber

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Well you need to have a talk with her but my take is that she's already getting action on the side or planning to. Sorry but at least you know now and not years down the road.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Many a true word spoken in jest...

YOU brought up the open relationship conversation. Not maybe the smartest move, when you are in a LDR, and do not see your gf very often and you do not want an open relationship.

Now questions are being asked on both sides.

Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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A lot of people make a joke like this to see whether it's an option. I've found there are some people who are very hell bent being in a non-monogamous relationship and others who dabble in it but they don't always bring it up because they don't like to scare others away. I am in the latter part typically. I am more the direct type but not everyone is.

TheTraveler Established Member

TheTraveler

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She probably has lots of guys lined up now and ready to hit the sack with. And she is going to do it.

 

You played yourself OP

Cali408 Established Member

Cali408

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She probably has lots of guys lined up now and ready to hit the sack with. And she is going to do it.

 

You played yourself OP

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

You're being monkey branched. She has guys interested in her probably already is dating someone.

NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

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Sorry to say, but she's got one foot out the door on this relationship. The distance isn't working for her anymore, clearly.

 

She wants to have sex with other guys.

I really think you all are jumping the gun with this "she wants to have sex with other guys" and "one foot out the door" type stuff. She might, but all that really happened is:

 

OP suggested it, and she answered that she wouldn't mind or care one way or the other.

 

If we're going to jump all over her for answering that way, maybe the focus should be on the OP for suggesting it in the first place, even though he says it was a joke. Personally I don't think it's a very funny one.

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Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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Somewhere on the internet is a female posting her bf of 1.5yrs suggested an open relationship so she got pissed off and told him she didn't care one way or the other. She's now asking for advice on what he meant exactly and whether she should bother staying in a relationship with him. :rolleyes:

 

But yes, lets all jump on the 'she's screwing someone else' bandwagon because that's a lot more entertaining. Nevermind the OP tied that noose around his own neck by making a joke that most women in monogamous relationships would find somewhat insulting themselves. :confused:

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