1 year post BU

[BUBS]

I like to come back to loveshack about a year on to update those new and old to these forums on progress and set backs. I know when I came here years ago when my ex fiance and I ended, it was the long winded honest posts that I relied on the most, that I could almost get lost in. Some don't want to read a lot but it worked for me so I try to relay the favor. I did a one year along post for my ex fiance and then entered into another relationship that was extremley unhealthy because, well... I was unhealthy and so was the partner I got involved with. For years this resulted in break ups and make ups, extreme fighting and extreme emotions... as well as a severe dependency to him.

 

I found a great deal of my issues in our break up was just internal issues I was projecting onto the relationship to distract myself. I have spent most of my life in one serious relationship or another and they always served as a perfect numbing mechanism to the bigger questions in life, like who I was as an individual, what my values and boundaries were and so forth. I was determined after this break up to try every technique I had learned in the past to move on as quickly as possible because quite frankly I didnt feel after all the emotional energy I poured into him and the relationship that he deserved to continue to get it. Did that make it go away? Absolutely not.

 

I was devastated. If I'm being honest there are times, though much fewer and farther inbetween where I still am. Our situation was a tricky one to navigate, I'm accustomed to civility after a relationship ends, even if internally I'm a mess... and he chose to go the other way despite our lives and mutual friends being utterly intertwined. This only elevated and heightened my emotions feeling as if he never truly cared, we werent important to him and that he never loved me. If I ended up in a place he was at he would run out like he assumed I would burn the building down if I saw him. Not acknowledging that we spent years together or even knew one another. He projected dramatic occurrences to friends like insinuating I was crazy and trying to get his attention on social media and get under his skin when I had unfollowed and blocked him months beforehand. He perceived anything I did to try to get over it and move on as a manipulative ploy to get back together with him or destroy him. I'm not sure where it came from, perhaps his own narcissism. It made it that much more difficult to find these things out when I hadnt even really spoken to him since our break up aside from when it was about logistics of exchanging things.

 

On the outside it came off as if he loathed me and I was his biggest mistake, at times it still feels this way which truly hurts my ego and heart but I've learned to come to terms with the fact that everyone copes differently. The thing I struggle with and always have is being utterly concerned how my exes perceive me and the relationship I had with them. It wrecks me to imagine that I am a regret of theirs, that I'm not their white buffalo.. I sought validation through that in many ways which isnt healthy but also is so fundamentally human. I still struggle with this on a daily basis... getting in my head about what they think of me, things they misconstrued and whether the whole thing was a waste of time if it comes off like they hold no regard or respect for the time we spent together... I'm just a nostalgic person. The reality of it is that because I am so consumed with how they feel about me I get blinded and don't focus enough on how I actually feel about them or him. I care so much that he may look at me as a dodged bullet, psycho, a waste of time that I dont invest enough energy asking myself the real question... which is "How do I feel about him? and does this affect his life or mine?" The truth is regardless of the lingering love and nostalgia after all of the chaos and turmoil we experienced and the added nonsense he caused for no good reason, I dont feel too fondly. I resent him, I think hes immature, inconsiderate and many other long words I can come up with to describe what I see as an arrogant malicious human being. I find my feelings go up and down like this often, its very much a love hate thing.

 

Another thing I noticed is that competitive aspect of a break up we all kind of unconsciously do. Its cliche for a reason. The drive to be on a better come up than the one that brought us down is real. In ways its good for the soul, to use it as a motivational tool to better yourself, to one up them and yourself and not be the person they decided wasnt good enough. It sounds very good in theory but of course it works both ways and can derail you.

 

While internally I was a mess, and made a lot of mistakes throughout the break up including binge drinking, going out far too much, spending too much, eating too much etc for a short while there was a hint of feeling as if I was doing better than he was, not emotionally just physically looking at both of our lives. I was making moves, projecting an image that I was ok and doing the right things for myself and having the time of my life... he was being his same ol' self so to speak. Of course we all want to get to the point where we have enough love,grace, poise and dignity to wish them well and hope they are truly happy but I dont think I know anyone if they are being honest with themselves who wants an ex who hurt them to be doing better than we are even if we have no clue.

 

However then when it switches you feel down on yourself and thats why this kind of stuff doesnt work. After a year of him sleeping around and word getting back to me, I was informed he was dating someone else. Like any masochist I checked in, and shes what I feel is an upgrade in the looks department on me and suddenly my mind jumped the conclusion that he was happier with her than when we were together, that they will fall madly in love and get married, have babies, all the while I'm still sitting here single which must mean I'm less desireable and its my loss. These thoughts arent real and they are self destructive but again thats what happens when you foolishly forget that your life has nothing to do with theirs anymore. The reality is that this should be something that brings hope, and one day maybe it will. Hope that I can find someone better for me if he could, hope that time will heal in the way it may have for him, hope that I can use it in a productive way to better myself. Relief that the nail is in the coffin, and so forth. It should bring about the realization that nothing is perfect, social media is a joke and unless you are absurdly dramatic you are only projecting the best of the best of your life on the internet.

 

We look at things with our emotions rather than our common sense and what we know to be fact. Its a constant struggle to come down to earth, we think that if we feel something... that this makes it a fact. That is why break ups are so difficult among everything else. A lot goes into play when a break up occurs, a lot of things shatter at once... our hearts, our egos, our routines, our hopes, our trust and so forth. This is a fight or flight response from withdrawal of certain chemicals and primal evolution that still exists where a mate was necessary for survival. Our brains dont like to feel hurt, and when we feel these emotions they will shoot off defense mechanisms and detrimental thoughts in a way to ease the pain temporarily to function normally again. In the beginning its thoughts like "maybe in time they will come back" to give ourselves a rest before it hits us a year down the line that this is not going to happen and that if it does itll be worse 9 times out of 10. Stupid stuff like that. We also as dumpees develop what psychologists call "frustration attraction" which is where the person that hurts us becomes more attractive and we establish more love for them after they've done the hurting than what we even felt during the relationship. EVERYTHING is working against you during heartache... and it comes down to having to real talk yourself with facts everytime you let your emotions get the best of you to not fall into a complete rut.

 

Its ok to feel sad, depressed, lethargic and hopeless... along with the other billion emotions you will feel. But that doesnt mean you have to give those feelings more power by assuming they are just. I do my best when I begin to feel that way to not entertain them, but rather to acknowledge them, wave at them from a distance and go back to what I know to be true.

 

I'll give a good example in my personal situation-

 

*Irrational and emotional thought as mentioned above-

"They never loved me and theyre happier without me and hate me and blah blah blah"

 

**Real talk-

"Of course there were times that they cared, and of course there are still times when they care or when they think of me, miss me, or still feel love toward me, but that doesnt change anything. The relationship is over. They have days like myself where they are happier without me, and there are probably days where they secondguess themselves as any normal person does or where they get nostalgic themselves. Probably less than me because I wasnt ready for the loss and wasnt in control and my ego is also hurt so I dont think rationally and put them on a pedastal but overall we all have our moments. In time they will experience love that will be greater, and love that will be 10 times worse, whether its with the same person or many people in their future but that doesnt change our good or bad times either its just a part of life. Them moving on is of no reflection to me, its just simply what people must do when they make a choice and respect themselves enough to follow through with said choice. Humans desire love, connections and interpersonal relationships and it would be foolish to believe that they would stay single forever, and foolish to believe them moving forward means I am being replaced. I've experienced great love in the past and was still able to fall in love with him afterwards, and it didnt change the previous loves I experienced." you get the idea.

 

The point is that not everything means something whether we want to believe it or not, we give those thoughts and feelings power and it all lies in our perception of a situation and turning a blind eye to the facts and what we know to be true. Just because you can't stop dreaming about them even 10 years on doesnt mean they were your soulmate. Just because we have moments where we remember the good and cant stand not having them in our lives, doesnt mean we should beg for them back. These are just natural survival instincts. Its also the same reason why when our exes have failed relationships afterwards or moments of weakness they contact us. We long for whats familiar, for an easy way out and a distraction from the overwhelming questions this life has to offer. I highly suggest not dating in general. It makes it harder in the short term, and easier in the long term. I did the dating thing though nothing on a serious level, usually just first dates followed my tears and sad music. But I would say theres a theshold we all cross in our single lives where the bad becomes good.

 

I couldnt stand living alone, I couldnt stand trying to figure myself out. I never assumed I would be content with any of it because all I've ever known and enjoyed was being in a relationship and love itself. A year on I cant say I dont have moments of loneliness or fear about my life, but I can say I love living alone (I recently got a roommate and this was fully confirmed to me haha)... I have picked up a bunch of hobbies, and I put a bunch of them down in the trial and errors of figuring myself out. I have days where I want to kick and scream and cry, but I have more where I see the light at the end of the tunnel and am more focused on developing myself into the healthiest (mentally) person I can be so I'm capable of truly having a healthy relationship and MORE IMPORTANTLY capable of walking away from an unhealthy one.

 

We all have our moments of weakness and second guessing. Just try to be as real with yourself as possible in those moments and shift the focus back to you and your life individually. Good luck and feel free to message or reply if you want to go further.

[ja123]

Affairs of the heart can be a roller-coaster. You seem to know a lot about what's going on such as dependency and projection.

 

 

All I can say is maybe the more you try not to think about him the more he enters your mind, so perhaps let the thoughts in then fade away naturally.

 

 

I've heard it takes 1/2 the time we were in a relationship to truly recover from it. So, if it was a 4 year relationship, you ma need up to 2 years. Don't know if this rule of thumb is true for everyone, but it was something like that for me.

 

 

Good luck with your journey and welcome back to LS!