Miss Peach Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I have dipped my feet into poly dating and have met some really lovely people. One aspect of poly seems to be the constant scheduling of everyone. I like the extended network side of poly. The part that still baffles me is how much time is typical for each relationship and how deep does each one get over time? The part I'm struggling with is I'm balancing too much. I know I can't keep this up. I think I have enough time for dating 2-3 times max per week. I know I would have to potentially split this between any relationships I develop. I don't want to take on too much or be unfair to someone. But I don't want to feel like things are casual or sliding backwards too. I know the end of this will be some conversations but in the meantime I'm trying to put some thoughts together as to what people in poly relationships perceive as normal when dividing attention. I'm wondering whether or not this is for me not so much due to jealousy or sharing but rather because I am not sure I can build something to the extent I want to in 1-2 day a week dates. That's fine in the beginning but I don't know if I could deal with that months or years down the road. If I only have the time for 1 partner, maybe a monogamous relationship with someone open minded might be a better choice for me right now than building a less intense relationship with two people.
jen1447 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 What's your home situation exactly Peaches?
Author Miss Peach Posted November 17, 2016 Author Posted November 17, 2016 What's your home situation exactly Peaches? Not quite sure what you mean by that Jenn. Is it my free time? I have a kiddo, 50/50 custody. So 3-4 days per week I have the kiddo as my priority. Plus I work a 8-5 M-F corporate type job. That leaves me about 2-3 weekday evenings and every other weekend for my 'me' time and dating. 1
jen1447 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Ok yeah that's what I was after. So that means your time is strictly limited. About all I can do is tell you my breakdown ....no kids, live alone (technically - no one resides we me on the books so to speak tho there's usually someone there), same full time job as you. That means tho I actually have lots of free time, pretty much totally due to the lack of kids. So for me, bscly every evening is 'dating' time. I don't always go on dates but it's time I can and do spend w my peeps. I'm rarely alone. Doing a quick mental figure I'd say prob 5 days a week are spent on my mains, 1 on my outer tier girls, and 1 on running around (new girls). My GF w kids I prob only see once every couple weeks, but it's usually a 2-3 day stint. That works for us and it's prob the only unusual one, the rest I see I'd say 2 days a week my GF1 (I see her at work every day too and she has another GF), and 4 days a week my GF3 and my BF. (There's a fair amount of overlap worked in there, which is why it comes out to more than 7.) So when you add that all up, yeah it's a huge diff bc bscly I'm a full time relationship person and you're a mixed mom/relationship person - your 2-3 dates a week to my 7 full evenings and weekends a week. (If it sounds like I'm boasting I'm not, just trying to illustrate the point.) So the bottom line is yeah, I could see how it could be a lot more difficult for you to manage concurrent relationships. I do think you could probably balance 2, between not just date time but daily communication etc., or maybe just one main and one or more 'playmates' you see from time to time. One thing about swinging to bear in mind is it's its own culture, so you'd have to be ready to enter that. Poly and open ppl like me pretty much just enjoy all the fruits of the 'normal' world available to us, but swinging is more like joining a club where you hang out almost exclusively w a certain type of ppl, some of whom you may actually find weird or even cultish. Not trying to disparage swingers, just sharing my takeaway from it. 2
Methodical Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I don't classify my relationship/s poly. I'm married and until a couple of years ago I lived a very traditional lifestyle. Without getting into how the transition took place, I'll just say hubs is my top priority and my marriage comes first. Aside from hubs... (yes, he is in the loop) I have a regular person when I'm out of town, which occurs less frequently late fall/winter. But, when I'm going to be there, we hookup. (My kiddos have pretty much spread their wings and for the most part, I'm 'alone' (family-wise) when I'm out of town.) I also have a regular person locally, but when I say regular, I mean that in the sense of a mainstay person. Time-wise...that varies a lot. There is nothing written in stone, like Tuesdays and Thursdays are set aside for X, nor do we have a rule or agreement to hook-up at least once per week or anything like that. I may not see her at all one week and then a couple of times the next week. Then there are impromptu encounters. Going to early voting being to most recent and probably the most memorable encounter for us thus far, lol. It's hard not to develop feelings for mainstay ppl, and while I can say I love them, that doesn't mean I'm in love with them. We get together, have a good time, and then part ways until the next time. (Which in reality won't be too long bc we need our fix, .) Because of your kiddos, trying something similar to this may work better, at least initially. 2
Author Miss Peach Posted November 18, 2016 Author Posted November 18, 2016 So the bottom line is yeah, I could see how it could be a lot more difficult for you to manage concurrent relationships. I do think you could probably balance 2, between not just date time but daily communication etc., or maybe just one main and one or more 'playmates' you see from time to time. One thing about swinging to bear in mind is it's its own culture, so you'd have to be ready to enter that. Poly and open ppl like me pretty much just enjoy all the fruits of the 'normal' world available to us, but swinging is more like joining a club where you hang out almost exclusively w a certain type of ppl, some of whom you may actually find weird or even cultish. Not trying to disparage swingers, just sharing my takeaway from it. Jenn - Thank you for sharing your breakdown. It's very helpful for me to see how different people balance everything. The thing with me is I'm an introvert (even though most people don't believe I am) and I need some alone time. So that would be way too much social interaction for me to do every week. I could do it a few weeks but then I would need to cut back a bit. The few poly people I've met in my situation say they are 'poly saturated' with 2 mains. One of them is trying to make me a main and he's a great guy and we see things the same way on many more things that I could have imagined but I'm really on the fence about it because I'm not sure with our schedules I would get enough time to where I feel I could develop the feelings I want to have with someone. I think I might do better either in the playmate world or the swinger world (or just being like Otter with playmates we see together). My big concern with the swinger world is I can sit down and have a conversation with people I've met there but I've never liked a guy enough from that world I would want to have him touch me. Maybe it's just the people I'm meeting but I've met more people on my wavelength in the poly world. It's hard not to develop feelings for mainstay ppl, and while I can say I love them, that doesn't mean I'm in love with them. We get together, have a good time, and then part ways until the next time. (Which in reality won't be too long bc we need our fix, .) Because of your kiddos, trying something similar to this may work better, at least initially. This is a good point. I know someone who was a secondary to two men and this was her issue. She never really felt like it was enough for her and that she was using it to avoid intimacy. I could see how the relationships would be friendly and affectionate but never truelove deep. That's one of my fears going down this path as it will become an issue for me at some point where I'll be wanting more in that situation.
jen1447 Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 Jenn - Thank you for sharing your breakdown. It's very helpful for me to see how different people balance everything. The thing with me is I'm an introvert (even though most people don't believe I am) and I need some alone time. So that would be way too much social interaction for me to do every week. I could do it a few weeks but then I would need to cut back a bit. I do have some alone time fwiw (I think everyone needs that, no matter how outgoing) - my GF3 usually works afternoons so on those days when I'm w her it's not til later. (Just enough time to make me really really ache for her by the time she shows up! )
central Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 My poly relationships have been in the primary/secondary model, because that's what we wanted, and that's what worked for us. That was especially true for the earlier one, as my primary and I both had kids with us part time, and that was usually the time we spent together - the secondary relationships for us both worked around that, mostly alternate weekends. The more recent situation was semi-regular, but we didn't get together at specific intervals - it was whenever we could, about two to four weeks in between. Sometimes the three of us would also hang out, or get together for major holidays. Our secondaries moved on to other, primary relationships, and remain good friends. We were in the swinging community for a number of years as well, and got to be good friends (but not romantically) with some couples who we would see quite often, and even travel with. There was a lot more focus on frequent sex in those relationships vs. the poly ones, and friendships don't usually last once the sexual interest wanes. 1
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