amyblack Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Hi everyone, first of all, thank you for taking the time to read this! My boyfriend recently lied to me, and unfortunately I found out. I now don't trust him, have lost any physical attraction to him, but still think he's an amazing person and partner. The lie is a complicated one to explain, so please bear with me. We've been together for almost a year. Recently we had a few disagreements about his relationship with his ex. He claims they're just friends but she relies on him a lot for attention and they go to concerts, dinners, exhibitions alone together once in while. He says that she is his best friend and that there is absolutely no sexual attraction between them. For his birthday, she got concert tickets (for the two of them) for one of his favourite bands. They went together and he didn't tell me anything about it. We spoke on the phone that night (after the concert) and I was under the impression that he had spent the evening at his house, with his housemates. That was on a Sunday. On the Wednesday he tells me that he's going to a concert with his ex. I was fine with it. (Remember I knew nothing about Sunday). On Wednesday I decided to listen to some of the band's music, to get familiar with his tastes, and Spotify tells me that that band is playing in Glasgow on that exact day. We don't live anywhere near Glasgow. There is no way he could have gone to that concert. He lied. I confronted him, and he said that he made up the concert on Wednesday because he felt guilty about no telling me about the one on Sunday. What should I do? Did he feel guilty? Or was he just scared of me finding out from our mutual friends? Should I trust him? What bout his relationship with his ex?
Marco Valerio Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 You don't lie about something if there's no real reason for it, right? I believe there's more about his lie. The friendship they both have is quite awkward, not the usual thing with exes. But if you're ok with it and you trust him, that's up to you. Another thing is, how does his ex girlfriend feel about him? is she being total inocent? I strongly believe that, I should never let my love partner feel comfortable enough to lie to my face. 2
PegNosePete Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 they go to concerts, dinners, exhibitions alone together This sounds very much like "dating". Why are you OK with that? Why aren't you invited along too? 3
Got it Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I think you have every reason to be uncomfortable with them as well as upset about the lie. People who have nothing to hide hide nothing. He has very blurred lines and in, at least, an emotional relationship with her. 1
JewelD Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 This sounds very much like "dating". Why are you OK with that? Why aren't you invited along too? Yes, they are essentially dating. The lying confirms that. Dump him. 1
aileD Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 How old are you both? How long have you been together? How long has the ex been an ex? How long was their relationship? Is this long distance? Like why aren't you around to do these things with him instead of her?
Author amyblack Posted November 17, 2016 Author Posted November 17, 2016 I'm 29. He's 32. We've been together for a year. We were long distance initially but we haven't been for a while now. I don't know how long they were together and it was a couple of years ago.
VeveCakes Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Why does he need to best friends with his ex? He surely loves the attention. Getting him tickets to his favorite band?? ughh...she definitely wants him. Where are the boundaries? 1
BikerAccnt Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Yeah, somethings off here. I'm friends with two of my ex's. One, I only see at social events because we both belong to the same club, and the other I see...maybe 3 times a year. Actually, I'd say I'm "friendly" with them, rather than friends. That I think is fine. Seriously, you should be his best friend, or one of his guy friends should be. If he's seeing her more than he's seeing his best guy friends, he's either into her more than he should be, or he has no respect for you and your feelings on the matter. My GF doesn't like for one instance that my ex is in my MC club. But I'm not leaving the club. However out of respect for my GF, I make sure to invite her to any and all events I can, and I will even skip an event (if it's not an important meeting or something) if it's a small gathering and I know the ex will be there. It's all about boundaries. He needs to take your feelings into account, and if he's not, even "if" she is just his friend, you need to decide if you can live with that. 1
BluesPower Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 He has been cheating on you with his ex, you are starting to realize that right? I am guessing because you guys are young that you have not look at his phone, because that would be "An Invasion Of Privacy". I am sorry that this is happening, but this is what all that crap that you kids espouse about opposite sex "Friends" gets you. Try not to be so gullible next time. Most regular guys, I say most because someone will have an exception, don't go on dates with women they are not screwing. You need to dump him and move on, he does not love you anyway. 1
aileD Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 So I'm just going to say this. Why isn't she buying three tickets and inviting you along When they talk about going to concerts together, why aren't you saying "I'd love to go too. Let's get three tickets". ???? Seriously? Theres no "best friends" with an ex. Once you were in a relationship, you can never truly go back to just friends. And you've been with him a year and he spends all this time with this girl and you don't know how long they dated for? You don't know what the relationship ship was like? Why it ended? These are questions you deserve to know and should be asking. If he doesn't want to answer or be open about it with you, please don't waster your time. 3
Quiet Storm Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) No, you shouldn't stay with him. A guy who was really into you wouldn't be going on dates with his ex. And obviously there was some sexual attraction or else they'd have never been together, right? A guy who wanted to have a real connection with you, a genuine intimate bond, wouldn't be sneaking around with other women and lying about it. You should still be in the honeymoon stage. Picture your relationship like a house. You found the perfect piece of land and have purchased the best materials. You both start to build. But he is a sloppy worker. He cuts corners and doesn't take pride in his work. Even if your work is perfect craftsmanship, the foundation will have cracks. The house will be missing the structural integrity it needs to weather the summer storms and cold winters that will inevitably come. Commitment is what keeps a couple together through the bad times, until the good times come again. You are only together a year and he doesn't seem committed. Is that OK with you? If not, then it's time to let him go. . Edited November 20, 2016 by Quiet Storm 2
understand50 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 Amyblack, You are old enough to know better. You are just one girlfriend of two, and not even the main one. If this is OK with you, then stay and be the second string, but if you are looking for a long term relationship, marriage, kids, break it off and find someone to give all his attention to you and you alone. This is not hard, and you are worth one man love and attention. Do not wast your time pursuing someone, who is playing the field and lying to you. Never ends well. I wish you luck.....
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