Heartbroken and burn out

[Darkchan]

I'm gonna try making a long story short. I'm not sure if anyone is going to read this, but I really need to write my thoughts somewhere or I will go crazy. I created this account specifically to write down my thoughts. I apologise for bad spelling beforehand. It's also hard to see the text with tears in the eyes.

 

I'm feeling really heratbroken, my boyfriend broke up with me two days ago and I'm trying my best to avoid contacting him, as he told me not to. It hurts so much and I'm crying my eyes out. Can't sleep, eat and having anxiety as well as nauscea. I did not want it to end like this. I'm checking if he's online on facebook and last log the whole time. I know we should delete each others, but I can't. I feel like it's the only way to control my panic attacks, to see the green dot or when he was last online.

 

We have had a time now that's been really bad. We both met abroad as we both were expats in the same country. We also come from the same city in the same country, we started dating and then we moved in togheter. We had a really good time togheter but work started to ramp up. We both had to do a lot of overtime and then things started to get out of hand.

 

Six month ago I got a burn out, ended up in hospital as they though I had a brain injury due to my constant headaches that was migrane everyday. My head constatly hurt and I couldn't get up from bed. I even lost my eye sight for a while. It was really bad and I felt horrible. I really liked my work. Two month later I had to quit my job, I was home sick those two months. My boyfriend didn't get a contract extension either, our landlord threw us out and we had to move back to our home country. During this period we had a lot of argues and I was really sad, depressed and felt that I'm gonna have to live with pain for the rest of my life. He was there, tried his best to help me and stay strong. When we came back to our own home country we couldn't find a place togheter so we moved back into our parents house. We lived at our respetive parents house for 5 weeks, we argued and we talked several times of breaking up. I even brought it up but I felt so hopeless over everything. It was hard not to live togheter after such a long time. But I love him so much that I just can't let him go. I actually thought he was the right one. I have had many long relationships before, but this is the first time I felt that I found the one.

 

We decided that we should go on vacation togheter, during our last year we couldn't take more than a week vacation as there was just so much overtime. So after 5 weeks home we went on vacation. That was two month ago, we went on a backpacking trip togheter. We didn't have any return date and travelled around in south asia. It lasted 2 months, we came back just a week ago. He was running out of money and desperatly needed to get a work again. I had managed to save more than him so I don't need one nor can work right now. We argued a lot during the vacation, but we had a really good time as well. We both saw an issue with us being unable to live togheter. A month into our trip, it was the first time he said he was unsure if he loved me anymore. It was hard to hear and It was hard being togheter for the rest of our stay but at the end of the trip he had regretted it and said that he still does love me but have a hard time right now. I understand that, we have been fighting, we both lost our jobs and didn't really see any future in anything, we can't live togheter and we are both too old to live at our parents house.

 

I have a friend who can lend us her apartment for a while so we can move in togheter, we talked about it me and him and he thought it was a good idea. I was really insecure and told my boyfriend that I'm not sure if it is a good idea, I don't have a job nor anything to do. And I really don't want to sit in an apartment that isn't mine while i'm sick. I thought it would be best to stay with my parents for a little while more. So again we ended up having an argue. We again talked about breaking up, I even did as I was angry. he said he beleived that moving in togheter was our last chance to save our relationship. We had this argue 4 days ago and I did't agree with him, but I have been thinking about it and changed my mind.

 

He broke up with me two days ago and I'm feeling misserable, he ended all contact. I have tried talking to him, maybe the apartment isn't so bad after all, but he doens't agree anymore. He said he is tierd, and don't know what he wants in life anymore. He needs space and doesn't want this relationship anymore.

 

So here I am, loosing my control. It hurts, I can't stop crying and I just want to talk to him and see him again, but I can't. I can't grasp that it was the last time we saw each other or ever spoke. Not after all this time togheter.

 

I know everyone says it will get better and that you will get over it, but i just can't see it. I didn't want to get a burn out, I didn't want to get depressed, I wish nothing of it happend. I really thought it was going to be me and him and he felt the same at a point. I don't feel I can cope with this, times goes so slow. I don't know what to do. I just want to be with him. I know he is not going to change his mind, I know how he works. And that make me more sad as there is nothing I can do anymore.

[Darkchan]

Update

 

This is the fourth day since he broke up. I have had a really hard time coping, I feel nauseous and struggle with eating. I can't sleep and i'm just walking ack and forth trying not to panic. I guess it's some kind of seperation anxiety, and it really hurts.

 

I have been writting several mail dedicated to my ex, not send anything, but it feels like it helps a little to just write. Even though I know he will never read it. It's been close sometimes that I send them but I have tried to remain strong.

 

I still have him on fb, and can't manage to block or remove him. I don't know how to find courage to do so? It calms me down a little by checking if he's online or last went online. I guess i'm still clinging on to hope that he will take me back. He haven't removed our relationship status either, so I have no idea what to think about that. Maybe he just forgot, it took us two years to add our relationship on fb so maybe he doesn't remeber doing so.

[Superchicken]

Well, I have to ask you, what do you want ?.

You know already what you need.

Have the courage to move from one position, to the other.

If he doesn't want you around anymore, then he is NOT for you.

I would not take back someone that says that to me. I would say, good bye, and move on.

Yes, its painful, and hurts. Its going to be a real crappy few months ahead.

Spend time with your parents, as you need someone to wrap their arms around you. This should help you feel a little better, and talking about it will make the pain go away faster. I don't recommend you keep looking at old FB pages or pictures, etc of him, as it will only bring back memories and then follow with more sadness and pain. It will keep repeating, and you will never have closure.

Don't think of the next week or two ahead. Take one day at a time, and make plans to spend the day with friends and family.

 

 

Ted.

[livebrilliantly]

Break ups are so hard. I'm so sorry. I went through a very hard break up too. You just have to take it one day at a time and keep yourself busy. Do a lot of soul searching and rediscover who YOU ARE! Best wishes! Keep pushing. It will get better.

[Slimtripper]

Break ups are difficult. They trick your mind into thinking all kinds of things that are untrue. Your brain wants to get that person back because it does not want the trauma of losing the good feelings associated to it.

But that's all it is. A break up. Millions of people go through it every day.

You have a choice. To drag this out as long as possible. I.e. Keep looking at their social media, not block them. Act like a wuss and self sabotage yourself. WHILE that person goes and has fun.

Or you can commit to moving on, which is the only way someone will come back anyway.

Stop looking at their social media. Reaslie that its going to hurt for a while and then get used to the pain. After a few days it does stop honestly.

 

Im on day 5 of my break up and ive been gym every day, been to work, been social and kept my mind active. Im aware that its hurting at the moment, so are my friends but im looking forward and have closed that door. CLOSED.

Its over. You are single. You are not a couple. Try your best to keep going