Are you ugly ?

[californiablonde]

We all have bad days and don't always look our best. I can't help but wonder if such days are a true reflection of how you look or just a momentary misrepresentation?

 

Beauty is subjective and what one person finds attractive may not apply to the next. In the same kind of notion we as individuals are usually incapable of seeing these things/features in our selves that others like or appreciate. The question is two-fold. How much does personality influence attraction truly? Can it really elevate you a couple of notches or just increase a mild attraction? Secondly, how much differently do we see ourselves from the way people are attracted to us do?

 

This question is meant to be applied toward people that are average looking.

Edited November 17, 2016 by californiablonde

[basil67]

For me, attraction to others is all about personality. I've been attracted to men who were quite average by usual standards. Guys who had unusual features, or short, or whatever.

 

I wouldn't know how to gauge the difference between how I view my looks and how those who have been attracted to me view my looks. When I was young and dating, I was probably a bit above average and assume they'd see me as that.

 

Edited to add: I have no doubt that on the days we feel blah, we look blah. Think about when your friends are having a bad day - you can tell it just from their appearance. I think that most of our attractiveness come from our inner vibrance. Lose the vibrance and you lose the attractiveness.

Edited November 17, 2016 by basil67

[californiablonde]

I think that also ties into the question. Its hard to be subjective about your looks. We all have flaws. The thing is how do you know if you are making something bigger than it is or the other person does not see it as much as you do or even at all. This relating more to physical aspects like baldness, crooked teeth, bad skin, etc.

[Wade Lamare]

Gawd yes, absolutely.

 

One of my nicknames as a youngster was 'FA cup', a football (soccer) trophy in the UK with big handles, because my ears stuck out so much. As a youngster I would go to bed determined to sleep on one side of my body each night so that my ears would eventually get flatter

 

Couple that with being a geeky nerd who had an interest in the various sciences (my teachers apparently called me 'the little professor') and it wasn't a recipe for success with the girls.

 

My teens through to my early twenties were a lonely time for me as regards 'love' and romantic female companionship. I had plenty of friends, both male and female but no girlfriends. It got a bit discouraging at times to be honest. My handsome friend came up to me all happy and said "wow I just ****** (girl) five times last night."

I'd be like "way to go, high fives dude." But inside I'd be thinking "WTF, I've asker her out several times for meals, concerts or just to hang around and each time she's turned me down.", "But she's more than happy to be humped in the back of a car by some handsome dude who's going to go round bragging about it?" Every instance like that, hope just died a little each time.

However, fast forward to my mid to late twenties and something seemed to change. I finally broke my love famine, lost my virginity and started seeing some interest from the ladies. And eventually a woman took a chance with this homely techy geek, got married to him, and four children and six grandchildren later we're still married.

 

I think being 'ugly' matters far more when you are younger. Young peeps are, I think, more likely to be fairly shallow with their relationships.

Boys will want to hump the 'pretty' girls, girls will want the handsome/bad boys.

But as you get older and more mature other factors come into play. Dependability, faithfulness, job prospects, capability to nurture a family etc.

 

I think that as we mature we gain the ability to look past the face and see the person inside, the person that really matters rather than the façade.

 

Not sure what did it for me. It could have been that my frame, my body, started to fill out. I might have grown into my face and my looks improved with age?

 

I might have finally accepted that I was as ugly as sin, there was nothing I could do about it and I might as well just enjoy the life I had?

 

I might have simply become a better prospect for a relationship for a more mature woman?

 

Perhaps I just became more confident as a maturing man?

 

Or, as I suspect, it was a combination of all these things.

 

TLDR. Yes, I'm ugly, did it matter then? Yes. Does it matter now? No.

[Gloria25]

I do think for me it's a combo of looks and their personality, character, etc.

 

I mean, I've dated "hotties" and "notties". Some of them my family and friends were like 'OMG, he's dreamy', others they're like 'Yuck'...but I was attracted to them.

 

And yes, looks aren't everything. I've been with gorgeous men who where total douches. There was a shallow time in my life where I could care less about "him", I just wanted someone to fulfill my carnal needs . Over the years, and even for something casual, I have to actually like the guy - which presents a problem cuz sometimes I find myself falling for them.

 

Me?

 

I compare myself to Angelina Jolie. We both have same heigh, olive skin, big feet/lips and are brunettes with a square face...but she's still prettier than me. Some people don't find her attractive. Some days she's a "hottie", sometimes she doesn't look so hot. I'm a big girl and have come to terms with what I look like. I don't know if my personality makes me more attractive to guys cuz I guess I never really allow them to get to know me and anyways, over the years people have said that they don't get me...Oh well, I make sense to me.

[californiablonde]

Yes, looks fade and beauty does not last forever. I know that looks get you in the door but don't necessarily guarantee long term success. Additionally, appearance is most definitely a significant factor to dating when you are younger. However, it is not exclusive to youth and can apply to any age.

 

Not to take a one sided view, but I think men tend to be less forgiving on the attractiveness of their mate. I think women are more inclined(not always) to overlook certain appearance issues if the man possess important traits like loyalty, empathy, and so on. A both negative but honest reason might also included monetary influence. Men generally will not take in interest if they don't have a strong sense of attraction. They are less likely to explore the potential to grow attraction.

 

Sometimes I look at couples and imagine how they ended up together because they seemed so mismatched either physically or personality wise. I know that in reality there is nothing truly strange or unusual given what goes on in the world.

[Herbalist]

I seem to be a particular taste. I'm pale which some people like, but it also comes with the territory of blood pooling under my eyes (under the thin, translucent skin) so that I always look very tired, plus my veins show easily, plus my skin tends to get a bit blotchy at times. My hair and makeup is more of a flapper (1920s) look. I'm a short, chubby pear. Like all the women in my maternal bloodline, I have little, pointy features, (tiny pointy upturned nose, crabby little mouth, etc lol) which combined with my glasses kind of makes me look like a crabby little schoolmarm that stepped out of time machine)

 

Most guys don't seem to be into this, but I've had a handful of guys who seemed really into it at different points in my late teens to present (almost 30). Like I rarely get pursued, but when I do, they come on pretty strong.

 

So my personal experience has really reinforced the notion to me that it's a matter of taste. Even for myself I find I have two particular tastes. On one hand I like big teddy bear guys with a beard, if they have the sad/kind eyes (if anyone knows what I'm talking about lol), and then I also like mischievous, impish little guys, short, nerdy and naughty. So I really do believe there is someone for everyone out there.

[Wade Lamare]

Not to take a one sided view, but I think men tend to be less forgiving on the attractiveness of their mate. I think women are more inclined(not always) to overlook certain appearance issues if the man possess important traits like loyalty, empathy, and so on.

 

No, I think you're quite correct. Not proud of it but I've certainly been 'guilty' of this in the past.

And, as has been pointed out to me in the past, it could well be that while I was mooning around and feeling all 'boo hoo' for myself as a teen there were numerous girls who didn't feature on my radar who were also feeling a little 'boo hoo' themselves because I didn't approach them?

[Wade Lamare]

 

I'm a big girl and have come to terms with what I look like.

 

And that in itself is I think attractive to both sexes. Someone who is comfortable in their skin.

 

 

over the years people have said that they don't get me...Oh well, I make sense to me.

 

QFT!

 

I also make sense to me. Not always to everyone else!

 

As a teen I almost joined the RAF as a weapons and guidance systems articifer. A teacher found out and told me "Wade, you have your own unique way of solving problems and approaching life. The RAF has theirs. Between the two of you something will have to break. And it won't be the RAF."

[JellyTot]

How much does personality influence attraction truly? Secondly, how much differently do we see ourselves from the way people are attracted to us do?

In my experience, I can find someone totally unattractive but then be extremely attracted to them when I get to know them. Of course I can still see that they're not "hot", but I find them desirable as a package. However I still think everyone has a line they won't cross - if someone is totally hideous or gross (in your opinion) then no amount of personality will make them desirable. Different people draw that line in different places though - what is hideous to one person might be acceptable to another!

 

I think most people are pretty hard on themselves, whereas those who are attracted to them are more inclined to focus on their best features. It depends on relative attractiveness too - someone who is less attractive than you might think you're stunning, even though in reality you're just ok looking. That's because their reference point for "average" is themselves.

[mikeylo]

Ugliness of face or character ?

 

I would pick an ugly face over ugly character /personality, any time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, I'm ugly.

 

My weight compounds that tenfold.

 

I really only wanted one person on the planet to find me pretty anyway. Too bad it wasn't my husband. Live and learn I guess.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think I'm a very average looking person. I don't think anyone I wasn't in some sort of a romance with has ever called me hot or really good looking, but I don't think I've been called ugly ever.

 

But for me I definitely think age has gone in my favor. Features that may have looked slightly awkward on me when I was in my teens fit me better as I get closer to middle age.

 

And yes confidence and personality definitely show through in appearance.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I do think for me it's a combo of looks and their personality, character, etc.

 

I mean, I've dated "hotties" and "notties". Some of them my family and friends were like 'OMG, he's dreamy', others they're like 'Yuck'...but I was attracted to them.

 

And yes, looks aren't everything. I've been with gorgeous men who where total douches. There was a shallow time in my life where I could care less about "him", I just wanted someone to fulfill my carnal needs . Over the years, and even for something casual, I have to actually like the guy - which presents a problem cuz sometimes I find myself falling for them.

 

Me?

 

I compare myself to Angelina Jolie. We both have same heigh, olive skin, big feet/lips and are brunettes with a square face...but she's still prettier than me. Some people don't find her attractive. Some days she's a "hottie", sometimes she doesn't look so hot. I'm a big girl and have come to terms with what I look like. I don't know if my personality makes me more attractive to guys cuz I guess I never really allow them to get to know me and anyways, over the years people have said that they don't get me...Oh well, I make sense to me.

 

Amen.

 

I've posted many times about having dated all kinds of men in terms of age and looks and so often it's the unsuspecting ones that have made the best boyfriends. Looks are great and have their part to play but for me, it's a smorgasbord of things that go beyond just the physical that make someone attractive.

 

I will also agree that how we feel about ourselves changes how we look and how attractive we are to others. When I'm in a great place mentally, I seem to be a beacon for great things and great people. When I'm feeling like shyte, it shows up and often repels the same great things and people. The older I get the more I realize that so much of what makes someone attractive is attitude as much as it is about their looks, good or bad. Of course not everyone believes this or subscribes to this concept but then again that too says a lot.

 

I don't think I'm necessarily unattractive (although I'm sure I have my moments especially after hot yoga) but I also know I'm not everyone's cup of tea physically as I have some very distinct features. It's usually my character that either wins men over or sends them packing. Yes, my looks have often opened doors for me initially but I have found men to be intimated by me because I am a strong, independent woman who has been around the block a few times, whose not afraid to speak her mind and who has zero tolerance for bullsh*t and games. As much as I see that as a pro, some men see it as a con no matter how physically attracted they may be to me.

 

So be it. Doesn't bother me in the least. I see it as a highly tuned skill that ultimately vets the good guys from the bad ones

 

I do want to acknowledge that I agree with the poster who said that women are often the ones who tend to be more forgiving than men about the level of attractiveness in their partners. I think we're able to see the bigger picture as well as being creatures in need of someone to meet the other needs we have that aren't only seen with our eyes. Most of the men I've known and encountered have been much less open to this ideology.

 

C'est la vie.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[jen1447]

The older I get the more I realize that so much of what makes someone attractive is attitude as much as it is about their looks, good or bad. Of course not everyone believes this or subscribes to this concept but then again that too says a lot.

 

Not even a beautiful face looks good w a frown.

 

Even that thing about some women looking pretty when they cry is just a matter of them looking genuine - ppl are constantly scanning for accessibility and relatability and when you're openly vulnerable you demonstrate that, which is attractive.

 

Frowning or b-face or w/e just shows defensiveness and repulsion, which is unattractive on anyone, no matter what your features look like anatomically.

 

I'd say beauty is about 50% features and 50% what animates them.

[Wade Lamare]

Not even a beautiful face looks good w a frown.

 

Well I'm screwed then

 

I've done selfies for FB or Instagram and although at the time I'd swear blind I was neutral or smiling, when I take the shot I always seem to look as though I'm grimacing, or at best grinning quizzically.

 

Hopefully IRL when I'm not concentrating on getting the photo right I'm more relaxed.

[basil67]

We all have flaws.

 

CB, this isn't aimed at you because I see the word "flaws" used all the time in media. Especially in women's beauty/fashion magazines. "20 Ways To Hide Your Flaws!"

 

But I really, really hate the word "flaws" when used to describe a human. I can see a flaw in glass. Or in fabric. But they are supposed to be perfect each and every time they are made.

 

But look at a rustic table. It's designed to be unique. You don't worry about the bit of paint left on the timber or a bit of filler in a hole because that's what makes it so wonderful.

 

Humans are the same. We are designed to be unique with all kinds of different features. Diversity is in the very nature our our design. So, we are not flawed - we are diverse.

[Buddhist]

Ugly? I don't think so. But I rarely attract anyone on a pure physical level, I'm not one to fit into that cute mold. I have distinctive features that are either a love or hate for most people. Most people take some time to warm up to me and even then, my matches are few and far between. But that doesn't bother me either. I didn't want for company when I wanted it. I can't recall a period in my life of being single and not wanting to be.

[letmoc]

Well I'm screwed then

 

I've done selfies for FB or Instagram and although at the time I'd swear blind I was neutral or smiling, when I take the shot I always seem to look as though I'm grimacing, or at best grinning quizzically.

 

Hopefully IRL when I'm not concentrating on getting the photo right I'm more relaxed.

 

Aww. I actually think you are adorable.

 

Am I ugly? No, but growing up my family always put a big emphasis on looks and I never bought into that. I am most proud of my personality and sense of humor. The rest I lucked into by being born into a pretty attractive family.

[anika99]

Not even a beautiful face looks good w a frown.

 

Even that thing about some women looking pretty when they cry is just a matter of them looking genuine - ppl are constantly scanning for accessibility and relatability and when you're openly vulnerable you demonstrate that, which is attractive.

 

Frowning or b-face or w/e just shows defensiveness and repulsion, which is unattractive on anyone, no matter what your features look like anatomically.

 

I'd say beauty is about 50% features and 50% what animates them.

 

I have an ugly cry face..lol. It's true people who appear to be frowning are not going to be very attractive. The sad part of that is that some people aren't really frowning, it's just what their resting face looks like. This especially happens to older people as gravity takes it toll. Not much can be done about it outside of cosmetic surgery.

[aileD]

Kindness is attractive to me.

 

And guitar playing for some reason. You could be a troll but if you're playing a guitar, suddenly you are sexy.

 

I agree girls are more forgiving of looks. My husband has been several weights, hair lengths, facial hair/not etc over the years and it has never changed how attracted or not I am to him, but can't say the same for him and all the weight I've gained over the years. Sure he loves me but I'm sure he wishes I was more attractive.

[Emilia]

We all have bad days and don't always look our best. I can't help but wonder if such days are a true reflection of how you look or just a momentary misrepresentation?

 

Beauty is subjective and what one person finds attractive may not apply to the next. In the same kind of notion we as individuals are usually incapable of seeing these things/features in our selves that others like or appreciate. The question is two-fold. How much does personality influence attraction truly? Can it really elevate you a couple of notches or just increase a mild attraction? Secondly, how much differently do we see ourselves from the way people are attracted to us do?

 

This question is meant to be applied toward people that are average looking.

Everyone becomes ugly if they live long enough. If you want companionship and sex, this becomes an issue we all have to deal with at some point.

 

To a degree it doesn't matter what you look like, the other person can lose attraction to you and that will be down to personality, mostly. I do think it can elevate you yes as there are a lot of painfully boring people out there with no sense of humour that anyone with half a mind will run a mile from.

[BarackObama]

yes............................

[Shanex]

I'm not a Braggart, rather a modest person, but I was told a lot I was from 'cute' to 'handsome' depending on the ladies. Yet I was rejected enough online or IRL to acknowledge I was maybe not that stud I once thought I was...

 

How could I judge myself physically speaking ? I used to turn heads at bus stop younger, but I don't seem to attract much the college girls anymore. Many 30s women around my age are still interested with a decent pic, or in the streets in different context if it's not a bad hair day.

[RecentChange]

I am a late bloomer - I didn't get "cute" till my mid 30's

 

Seriously my mom last week commented that I had "finally grown into myself" - I am 38! It's about time I suppose.

 

I had always just accepted that my looks weren't my strong point, and that it shouldn't really matter because personality and brains matter more.

 

I was a chubby kid, teen.... all my life, but finally got the weight off - and while it wasn't a drastic amount of weight, it made a big change to my face etc.

 

It's been interesting going from ugly duckling to - getting a fair bit of attention at this stage in life.