FlipMonkey Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I'm noticing a pattern that when I attempt to raise an issue with my current Girlfriend, she regularly replies with "you do it too" when we discuss - I feel almost like she's trying to turn it around on me. For example, I spoke to her once about how much she's messaging on her phone when we're busy doing other things, and she used the line. Now yes, I do have to message people as well, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it at least 10 times less than she does, and my phone generally sits on a table at home and gets ignored for hours at a time, when hers is always within reach. So I guess my question is - is this an issue she is going to be able to get past? I'm pretty sure that I'm not in the wrong here where I definitely don't do anything I raise to the level that she does. And even deeper - is this a sign of a deeper issue I should be concerned of?
Sweetfish Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I'm noticing a pattern that when I attempt to raise an issue with my current Girlfriend, she regularly replies with "you do it too" when we discuss - I feel almost like she's trying to turn it around on me. For example, I spoke to her once about how much she's messaging on her phone when we're busy doing other things, and she used the line. Now yes, I do have to message people as well, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it at least 10 times less than she does, and my phone generally sits on a table at home and gets ignored for hours at a time, when hers is always within reach. So I guess my question is - is this an issue she is going to be able to get past? I'm pretty sure that I'm not in the wrong here where I definitely don't do anything I raise to the level that she does. And even deeper - is this a sign of a deeper issue I should be concerned of? If the phone is more important... stop taking her out. But let's take this a step further... is she enjoying the time you two are spending together?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I'm noticing a pattern that when I attempt to raise an issue with my current Girlfriend, she regularly replies with "you do it too" when we discuss - I feel almost like she's trying to turn it around on me. For example, I spoke to her once about how much she's messaging on her phone when we're busy doing other things, and she used the line. Now yes, I do have to message people as well, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it at least 10 times less than she does, and my phone generally sits on a table at home and gets ignored for hours at a time, when hers is always within reach. So I guess my question is - is this an issue she is going to be able to get past? I'm pretty sure that I'm not in the wrong here where I definitely don't do anything I raise to the level that she does. And even deeper - is this a sign of a deeper issue I should be concerned of? Well, is she wrong? Do you do it too??? Maybe not to the extent that she does, but YOU DO DO IT. She isn't looking at the frequency, rather the opportunity to which these behaviors are done. For her, comparing the number times doesn't matter and when you call her on these behaviors she only remembers that you do it too. Frankly, you two need to come up with rules when you two are together about using tech, etc. Otherwise, does she respond annoyed, playfully?
Raena Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I'd say you should pay attention to whether or not you are actually doing the same things you are accusing her of doing. The cell phone issue is just one example you gave... and you ARE doing what she is doing... perhaps there are other situations where you don't realize it but your actions are similar to hers? It seems to me from your one example that maybe you aren't seeing that you do in fact "do it too". Why are you criticizing her for her choices anyway? It's not your job to tell her how to live her life you know. It's your job to decide if the way she lives her life is compatible with yours... not try to change her. Most people do tend to be combative when they are constantly nitpicked over issues.
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 If you do not want a gf constantly on her phone, then this is not the girl for you is she? She is allowed to do what she wants, you are not her father. If you want to bring up an issue then make doubly sure you are innocent of any charges she may bring up against you for the same thing. That is just common sense, surely? Dating is about finding people we are truly compatible with, not about finding someone and then trying to change them into someone we really want. FYI WHAT IS PSYCHOLOGICAL PROJECTION (IN LAYMAN’S TERMS)? What happens when you have a whole bunch of uncomfortable, embarrassing and annoying emotions that you don’t want to unconsciously deal with? According to famous psychologist Sigmund Freud these emotions are projected on to other people, so that other people become carriers of our own perceived flaws. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for us, this form of emotional displacement makes it much easier to live with ourselves … because everyone else is responsible for our misery – not us! 1
Els Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 How about next time, instead of bringing up issues about 'her', you instead say, "Hey, how about we both do xyz?" If you are already doing xyz, great, you won't need to put much effort into the change, but saying it that way is less likely to raise her defensive hackles. Really though, how many issues are there that you are raising them enough to notice a pattern? How long have you guys been together? 3
OatsAndHall Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I would sit down and ask that BOTH of your phones be put away at certain times. Just set them aside, turn the ringers off and enjoy each others' company. You have a more serious problem on you hands if neither of you can keep the phone out of your hands after setting down this boundary. Messages can wait, phone calls can wait. People managed to have relationships while keeping in contact with friends and family long before this "wondrous age" of technology fell in our laps. This is an issue that is becoming more and more prevalent these days and the solution is simple: PUT THE PHONES AWAY.
BaileyB Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 With the phones, she probably has a point. If it happens in other discussions/disagreements., then she is immature and her communication skills are poor. She needs to learn to communicate and fight fair. 3
anika99 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Actually I get what you are saying OP as I had an ex that would do the same as you describe. For example he would routinely show up late. Like he was late more often then he was on time. After a year together had been late to arrive more times than I could remember to count while I had been late exactly twice and only by about 15 minutes each time. My two small lapses in time management became his ace in the hole. It's what he always brought up whenever I complained about his lateness. He did this with everything I tried to discuss with him. If I complained about him not picking up after himself he would remember that one time he had to pick up a glass I had left out on the table. If I mentioned that I didn't like being yelled at everytime he disagreed with me he would bring up that one day I raised my voice at him. If I complained about something that I truly and honestly never ever did myself, like name calling, he would bring up something else I did that was completely different and insist it was the same thing. Basically it's very difficult if not impossible to have a relationship with someone who is extremely defensive about everything and who can never concede. Nothing ever gets resolved and a disagreement over one issue becomes an argument about everything because the defensive person is throwing every topic they can into the mix to deflect and confuse. In your case I would suggest that when your gf says you do it too, since you do do it too, that you concede and then suggest that you both put your phones away during dinner. You are in a gray area because you seem to have a problem with the frequency of her time on the phone but what exactly is the acceptable amount of time for both of you to be on your phones while in each other's company? It seems rather subjective. On the other hand, if every time you raise an issue about any topic, her response is to turn it back on you in some way then you have bigger problems. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 With the phones, she probably has a point. If it happens in other discussions/disagreements., then she is immature and her communication skills are poor. She needs to learn to communicate and fight fair. THIS! My first instinct when reading your post was that she is very immature in how she communicates. Blurting out "you do it too" every time something is brought to their attention does not make for a good argument regardless if she's right or not. To answer your question if this is a deeper issue to be concerned about? Perhaps it is because you're basically dating a child in the way she chooses to communicate with you. Have you ever tried to win an argument with a child? Yeah, no bueno. Having said that, there are ways to get across your concerns without making her feel like she's being attacked and feeling like she needs to be on the defensive. Elswyth pointed that out in her post and I agree with what she outlined. Then again, if you're one of those people who seems to take issue with many things then perhaps it's YOU who has some deeper issues you need to work through. Introspection isn't necessarily a bad thing. Good luck. 1
Larryville Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 And even deeper - is this a sign of a deeper issue I should be concerned of? If it happens in other discussions/disagreements., then she is immature and her communication skills are poor. She needs to learn to communicate and fight fair. Perhaps it is because you're basically dating a child in the way she chooses to communicate with you. Damn how old are you guys? Please tell me you are not 30 something or above. If you are young, early 20 somethings well, as stated you are dating a child and her behavior is not changing anytime soon. Is she someone you see yourself building a life with? If not, well I’d be looking for someone who can communicate as an adult. 1
IfonlyIknew Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 We tend to notice the faults of others before our own as we subconsciously reason with ourselves. You may be doing it too and not realize you aren't actually doing it "10 times less than her". Take a closer look at your "you do it too" actions. Why nag her about something if you do it too "but not as much", double standard.
Author FlipMonkey Posted November 18, 2016 Author Posted November 18, 2016 Thanks all for the feedback - a good range of things to think about. The phone use isn't the actual issue I was raising - it was an example of something I discussed with her. She has asked me to speak to her and discuss anything I was unhappy about as soon as possible with her as she said that sometimes 'she needs to be put in her place'. I usually sit down and just raise a quick chat about whatever it is so we can discuss and usually both of us walk away with a better appreciation of how we feel. The phone example was in relation to an incident where she pulled out her phone and check it in what I thought was an inappropriate situation whilst talking with other people - she has lots of friends she keeps up to date with via messaging, so it's not the amount of phone use (I'm used to it), but a particular incident. But really it was just an example of a topic, not the real issue I'm raising. The real issue I'm getting to (as some people have noted) is the automatic defensiveness of simply trying to turn it around and say 'I do it too'. I trying to get some feedback on this behaviour and I guess ways I can improve in handling it too. In most cases I usually just cede and agree that 'yeah, I guess I must do it too then and if it's an issue please do tell me as well', and then agree to work on my behaviour and leave it there. I guess that's as far as I'm willing to go - note what concerns me and then agree to work on whatever the issue is from my end - I can't change her, I just look at what I can do about it.
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