roxanne101 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 So my boyfriend doesn't have a good job right now. I have a great job with benefits and the whole nine. I recently paid for us to take an international trip. While on the vacation, he ran out of spending money and caused an overdraft in his account. I had to bail him out. Granted, it was less than $100 but he also owes me another $250 for something else. Even more annoying was the fact that he kept buying things when he knew he couldn't afford it. The vacation was all inclusive so there was no need for him to keep spending money if he didn't have it. I don't want him to think I'm some sort of bank or ATM. He told me he had a check waiting for him at home and he'd pay me back. When I asked for the money back, he told me he forgot. He got a little huffy saying he's not "just anyone". As if that matters. I doubt if he has the money and instead of saying that I feel like he's going to bs me. No, I'm not desperate for the money, but it's more about setting boundaries. I feel like if I let this one slide then he will think he can continue to "borrow" money and never pay it back. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone deal with something similar before?
MidwestUSA Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Here's the rule I live by. Never 'loan' anyone money unless you can afford to never see it again. He asks again, you tell him no. 20
Gloomy Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 If you don't trust him to pay you back the money, don't lend it to him. He will eventually stop asking you if he knows that you will refuse to lend him anything. Boundaries and discussing your feelings are key. I would also communicate your feelings with him. Money is often a cause for rifts in relationships. It is better to talk about how you feel than to have resentment grow on either side. 8
basil67 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I'd let this one go. But I would not lend him any more money in the future. If he asks why, cite his repayment history. Bigger question is what he's doing about his job future. 10
Larryville Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 So my boyfriend doesn't have a good job right now. Massive red flag. I understand women are more forgiving, and I don’t know your ages but this is why before getting into a relationships with someone you must be able to identify your “must haves” and “deal breakers. If dude showed signs of mishandling money, careless spending, lacked career goals, was respectful of your money, time ect you have those discussions early because now finances will always be the elephant in the room. No woman should ever be "loaning" a BF money for any reason. If a woman is willing to look past a dudes deadbeat persona well then it’s not a loan, call it a gift and let it go. 5
Satu Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 He hasn't arrived in the adult world. That's the world where you work, and manage your finances responsibly. You're not his parent, though he is behaving as if you are. Don't give or lend him a penny. If you do, you're enabling his irresponsibility. Take care. 5
mikeylo Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 He is already taking you as ATM. Change the dynamics right away. 2
JewelD Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Well you're treating him like you're his sugar mama or something. He doesn't have a good job but you're paying for vacations, watching him spend money while he OWES you money, overdraws his account, you pay for it and then he continues spending money. Not only would I not lend him any more money, I wouldn't continue dating him. and why 'lend' money to someone who already owes you money and doesn't have a good job? He sounds like a moocher. 4
jen1447 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 No woman should ever be "loaning" a BF money for any reason. This is a good point - loans and romance should be mutually exclusive, bc the sensibilities behind each can't really coexist. I'd give my ppl any money they need, with the caveat being they wouldn't ask for it if they didn't need it. (And by "need" I don't mean consequences of recklessness and so on, I mean sth legit.) And if any of them actually asked me for some large loan for w/e else (they wouldn't, just e.g), I'd probably agree to it and also add that we can't be GF/BF-GF/GF anymore bc I can't function as a financial institution and be your GF at the same time. 3
Herbalist Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Big differences in income can make things hard. It might be that when he is with you, he is trying to live like you do, in a way. Sounds like he could never afford an international vacation, but that's part of your lifestyle as you can afford such things. Then maybe he sees you spending money on things, and he wants to do the same. This is no excuse for him to borrow money and then BS you and not pay it back, treating you like an ATM and whatnot, but in addition to setting some hard boundaries such as no more loans, maybe also think about what sort of compatibility strain your differences in incomes and lifestyles might have on the relationship. My brother's marriage is having a similar strain right now. He graduated from college recently, got a big promotion and is making about $70k a year. His wife wasn't able to go to school and the most she is able to make currently is about $20k a year. They are both pretty mature so I think they will be able to work through it, but even as an outsider I have seen the signs of them struggling with jealousy and resentment and trying to figure out what is really "fair" when it comes to splitting bills and such. It's a tough thing. I believe that if either of them were not very mature, it could have been an explosive sort of thing eventually. 1
Wade Lamare Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 For me it would depend on the state of the relationship. Just boyfriend/girlfriend would leave me very dubious on loaning any sizeable amounts of money. Beer money or that sort of a thing once in a while would be ok. Much more than that or borrowing too regularly would ring alarm bells for me. However if we were engaged to be married, or living together then funds would be shared as far as I'm concerned. 2
central Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 Either treat money given as a gift, or don't give it. If you're in a serious relationship, it really isn't a loan, IMO. And if you can't afford to lose it, simply don't give it. Loans create problems in relationships. 2
Els Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 I agree, your biggest problem with him isn't the $100 or the $250. The biggest issue is his job situation in general. What are your plans for this relationship? Are you considering going the whole nine yards with him (living together/marriage, possibly kids etc)? Or are you just casually dating and don't have any long-term plans? If the former, you want to seriously reconsider this guy, especially if kids are in your plans. If the latter, well, that's fairly easily solved, just stop loaning him money. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 I doubt if he has the money and instead of saying that I feel like he's going to bs me. How do you stay in a relationship with someone like this? Mr. Lucky 3
Tayla Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 Promissory notes do wonders amongst adults. Been on both sides. Keeps honesty in check.
Methodical Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 I used to think most ppl had pride and asking for money was done as a last resort. But, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore, especially when so many ppl have an entitlement mentality. Jen made a statement in a similar thread a long time ago, and I've never forgotten it because it summed up my thoughts perfectly. "Either I know you well enough to give you my money, or you don't know me well enough to even ask for it." (jen1447). Very eloquent stated, and very true! 1
CC12 Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 When I asked for the money back, he told me he forgot. He got a little huffy saying he's not "just anyone". This is the worst part of it. I can understand how it's easy to get carried away with spending money while on vacation, or being in a tough spot and needing to borrow a few hundred bucks, but his reaction here is really a huge issue and says a lot about his attitude - he feels entitled to you loaning him money. And he didn't even try to be a gentleman about it when you asked him to pay you back. Instead of saying, "Shoot, sorry, I forgot. I'll get you the money ASAP" he did basically the scummiest thing possible - be blew you off while also playing the victim and getting huffy, probably hoping that you would feel uncomfortable/guilty enough to drop it and not bring it up again. You'll probably never see the money you lent him again, but don't give him any more. I imagine he will have an issue if you ever say no to lending him money. 1
Cali408 Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 People are absolutely financial retards. The key is to hit it head on and communicate. People get real funny when you try to do that, however they need to get over it. Here is what I would do. Ask for a timeline of when he is going to pay it back and make him COMMIT to it. Hey, I know you owe me money, if you don't have it right now, I understand. When do you think you can pay me back? Uh, December 15th, my UI check is coming in.... Then re-affirm So, on 12/15, you will pay me back.... Simple. If he doesn't, well, sing Elvis..."It will be a Blue Christmas without you...."
Leigh 87 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 So my boyfriend doesn't have a good job right now. I have a great job with benefits and the whole nine. I recently paid for us to take an international trip. While on the vacation, he ran out of spending money and caused an overdraft in his account. I had to bail him out. Granted, it was less than $100 but he also owes me another $250 for something else. Even more annoying was the fact that he kept buying things when he knew he couldn't afford it. The vacation was all inclusive so there was no need for him to keep spending money if he didn't have it. I don't want him to think I'm some sort of bank or ATM. He told me he had a check waiting for him at home and he'd pay me back. When I asked for the money back, he told me he forgot. He got a little huffy saying he's not "just anyone". As if that matters. I doubt if he has the money and instead of saying that I feel like he's going to bs me. No, I'm not desperate for the money, but it's more about setting boundaries. I feel like if I let this one slide then he will think he can continue to "borrow" money and never pay it back. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone deal with something similar before? Sheesh. My own bf and I are more generous than you and so I personally see it as petty and tight to ask for the money back. My bf sent me 100s while I went overseas without him. Only a mere month after meeting me. He knew I was a low budget med student roughing it in hostels in a third world country. He gave me the money because he loved me and wanted to make sure I was okay ( which I was). If he needed something badly enough and couldn't afford it, despite working full time and living within his means- I would absolutely just GIVE HIM the cash IF I was in ths position to. A broke guy demanding money incessantly is not sexy. But asking you for a meagre 300 ish all up when you have a good job and it truly was a one off thing......... yeah. You may be a tad tight. Of course it should be a one off thing; if he did it all the time then yeah, he is takng advantage.
Leigh 87 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Massive red flag. I understand women are more forgiving, and I don’t know your ages but this is why before getting into a relationships with someone you must be able to identify your “must haves” and “deal breakers. If dude showed signs of mishandling money, careless spending, lacked career goals, was respectful of your money, time ect you have those discussions early because now finances will always be the elephant in the room. No woman should ever be "loaning" a BF money for any reason. If a woman is willing to look past a dudes deadbeat persona well then it’s not a loan, call it a gift and let it go. Not all people have good jobs. How does that make them a dead beat? How awfully judgmental. My bf had a low paid 50 AUD job when we met. He know earns 6 figures, a bit less after tax. Some women go after, you know, true love ( within reason) rather tban dating based on their bank balance? 1
kckc Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Here's the rule I live by. Never 'loan' anyone money unless you can afford to never see it again. He asks again, you tell him no. There's nothing wrong with lending money, but do it only if you can and if it won't affect your material situation.
Popsicle Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I think it's okay to loan or gift money when they need it, but if what you'd prefer to have is a SO that is financially stable and financially responsible, then this guy is probably not the one for you.
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