road Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I guess we're all different. I'm 5 years plus from d-day, the thought and images of my wife f..... A friend of the family still repulsed me. If that makes me insecure, so be it - I bet I'm not in minority with this. For op, I tested my wife by asking her for all the stuff she did with om that she never did with me. Had she said no, I would have divorced her on the spot. She did it without me demanding it, and with no negative comments at all. It's up to you to assess what kind of man your husband is and act accordingly. My guess is that he is not that different from me in this aspect. I would of demanded the same. Damn if the OM is going to get what I never got from my wife. Then damn because while doing it and after the act/s I would be triggering and would not want any more sex from WW. 1
road Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I'm a man and if I found myself in the OP's BH's place, I know that the image of my wife willingly, joyously engaging in sex acts with another man, stuff she'd never done with me or even mentioned before, would cause me to reassess how well I think I know my wife. For me to stay with her and have to ask her to perform those same sex acts (the acts BH saw in WW's email trail with side stud) with me as she willingly did with OM would not work for me on a logical level. If she said no, I'd be rejected and if she said yes, I'd be forcing her into something she never wanted to do with me anyway. As a man, picturing the woman I kept my dick in my pants for all those years f*cking someone else behind my back is a deal-breaker. She wants him, she can have him. I'm out. As a BH knowing that she was re-creating what she did for the OM for me I would only be picturing WW and the OM going at it while WW were doing it. Doubt I could finish what we started. No win situation. I be damn that I don't get what the OM got from my WW and be mad getting sloppy (not literally for to much time had passed) seconds from the OM. 2
road Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 May I offer a different approach: Your H makes his demands because: 1. He feels humiliated as a BH and has low self esteem. 2. He feels that he lost a part of his possession on you, the OM stole you from him. So, he tries to find ways to feel better. His idea (for you to do the same things you did with OM ) has to goals: 1. to increase his status from a humiliated BH to an alpha male. 2. To get an approval that he owns you, meaning you must do as he says. If you obey (regardless of what you really wants), it will be a proof that you are his property again. The problem with the 2 goals is that it won't really help him on the long term, and it will definitely won't help your marriage, it will only cause difficulties. Another problem is that as your spouse he can never be "an exciting stranger" for you. He can never compete that. So I advice you to offer him something else. If you love him and wants him and has a real desire for him, go and tell him that what you had with OM is the past and now means nothing for you. Tell him that he means a lot more. and there for you want to create a different thing between you to a MUCH DIPPER AND MEANINGFUL THING THAN WHAT YOU HAD WITH OM. What should he settle for less (what OM got), if he can have a lot more? offer him an exiting future with you. Now you're asking "OK, how do I manage to do all that?" I know it's hard work. You can do it only if you really love him, otherwise it won't hold for long, you cannot fake for so long. There are enough books and professional advisers who can help you with ideas. I like this post. The problem though is when the BH does not buy this logic. The OM got wild alpha male sex. Trying to sell the BH emotional beta sex is so much better is an up hill battle both ways. How can a BH believe that emo beta sex is better when the WW risked everything for alpha male sex? Risk the marriage, children raised in two houses, lower economic standard of living, embarrassment being known as a cheater, risk STD's, risk an OC with the OM. 2
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I like this post. The problem though is when the BH does not buy this logic. The OM got wild alpha male sex. Trying to sell the BH emotional beta sex is so much better is an up hill battle both ways. How can a BH believe that emo beta sex is better when the WW risked everything for alpha male sex? Risk the marriage, children raised in two houses, lower economic standard of living, embarrassment being known as a cheater, risk STD's, risk an OC with the OM. What makes you think we risked it for sex? If you read on the other board, generally the sex sucked and was infrequent, the guys had medical issues and trouble performing. Of course there are exceptions but no no, generally speaking we risked it all not for sex but for the emotional connection - for love - because they said they loved us. We just want to be loved.
purplesorrow Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 What makes you think we risked it for sex? If you read on the other board, generally the sex sucked and was infrequent, the guys had medical issues and trouble performing. Of course there are exceptions but no no, generally speaking we risked it all not for sex but for the emotional connection - for love - because they said they loved us. We just want to be loved. What was the initial reason for the risk? It surely didn't start as love on day one. 1
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 (edited) What was the initial reason for the risk? It surely didn't start as love on day one. I don't want to hijack the thread but yes, it did. xmm told me he had been in love with me for years and kept at it for several months. Nothing happened for a while. I told my husband I was unhappy for a variety of reasons and he said I knew who he was when I married him and he was not going to change. So I went out with xmm, even told my husband, who didn't really care (as he was actually having his own A, I would later find out). xmm said he had married the wrong woman and had told her that he was thinking of divorce, he said he loved me, hadn't had sex in years and if he divorced his wife, we could no longer see each other, but if I slept with him, it would allow him to keep him marriage together and we could see each other. So basically in order to keep his love, I had to give him sex. So I did it. I know. I was a moron. He just used me. It was part of a very complicated scheme on his end. Believe me, I paid for my crime. I have over a thousand posts for a reason. Edited November 19, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980 1
kiyoma Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 What makes you think we risked it for sex? If you read on the other board, generally the sex sucked and was infrequent, the guys had medical issues and trouble performing. I like you MidnightBlue because on my thread you were only one of 2 who didn't judge a man like me harsher than everyone was doing but tried to relate with me and guide me. But this statement from you I cant agree with. Because on the very first post of very first thread HeCantBreakMe, Jane Deaux and Autumn Moon the words they describe sex with AP are AMAZING, MAGICAL, FIREWORKS, AWESOME CHEMISTRY, etc 1
Just a Guy Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 Hi Folks, having read the OP and subsequent post by BlueParrot and the posts of the other folk on here I have to say that BP and the others seem to be missing the point. The problem that BP posted about seems to me to be the proverbial tip of the iceberg. That too, is what she sees from her perspective. Someone looking at it from a different angle will see something different. However, more importantly the hidden part of the iceberg is what needs to be exposed, not to us, but to BP and her BH so that they can truly start working to reconcile if that is possible. BP has not given any details of her affair except to say that she took advantage of the situation that her job provided to have romps with her OM in hotels while her BH held the fort at home looking after the kids and being the dutiful father and husband all while she got her rocks off with her OM. She has not mentioned how long her affair lasted or whether her OM was a coworker or someone else, whether she and her husband were unhappy in their marriage and whether there were major probls, and so on and so forth. She has also not given details of how her affair was discovered and how her husband reacted initially to the discovery and also whether he suggested reconciliation or she asked for it and also most importantly, whether she was at all remorseful for what she had done. Without those details one cannot comment fairly on a request by her husband for the same kind of sex that she enjoyed with her OM. To me it seems that BP is not really remorseful as otherwise she would not be responding with sarcasm to her husband's requests whatever they may have been within such a short time of her DDay. If she was truly remorseful she would have been bending over backwards to accommodate her husband's request( if possible) rather than responding with sarcasm to anything he had to say. I guess if the husband were posting here we would have had a very different picture of things and would have been responding in a very different way to BP's request for advice. At this stage it appears to me that BP is just looking at ways and means to apply palliative measures to the obvious hurt that her husband is suffering from so that he continues trying to reconcile with her and so that she can continue with her comfortable married life and maybe pick up with the OM when the coast is clear. However, applying Burnol on the wounds of a badly burned person is not going to save him as it would be too little too late. She should have thought of things before she decided to get her rocks off with another man. Just my own line of thinking and I may be wrong. Warm wishes to all. 1
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I like you MidnightBlue because on my thread you were only one of 2 who didn't judge a man like me harsher than everyone was doing but tried to relate with me and guide me. But this statement from you I cant agree with. Because on the very first post of very first thread HeCantBreakMe, Jane Deaux and Autumn Moon the words they describe sex with AP are AMAZING, MAGICAL, FIREWORKS, AWESOME CHEMISTRY, etc Well, some of those women are still in the affairs and still very much in the fog. The fog exists because of chemical attraction and a chemical bond on the woman's end so of course they feel it's magical (I actually used that word myself, yes I did). But sure, I'm sure there are some in affairs who are having all this great sex but we had a whole thread going where a bunch of admitted it was really bad for a variety of reasons and impotence was up there as a reason. In fact, I researched it and impotence is linked to having an affair as it helps improve a man's feelings of self worth. But anyway, of course I cannot lump all women in the same bucket but generally speaking women cheat for love and men cheat for sex. It's been posted here over and over again for a reason. As for why I did not jump all over you, I have male friends IRL who have had affairs, been cheated on, broke hearts and had their hearts broken. I do not lump all men into one bucket, I am aware you are people with hearts who make mistakes. I also have a son. And I am certainly in no position to ever judge anyone for anything.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I don't care what the back story is - how good could sex be if you have to demand it? Especially if you know your WS gave it up willingly and enthusiastically to their AP?Mr. Lucky I'm going to chime in because this subject came up this past week in my marriage. Mr Lucky's statement is 100% on the mark. This is an issue that has plagued me and I expect to plague me as long as I'm married to my wife. It is painful to think about what my wife was willing to risk in order to have sex with the OM. What price was she willing to pay (even if she didn't know at the time what the full price was going to be). My wife can be "too tired", "too cold", "too busy", "too whatever..." to have sex with me. However, during her affair she wasn't "too married" to have sex with the OM. Will she ever be willing to pay such a price (destroy a marriage, emasculate her husband, compromise her self-respect, be known as the "that" co-worker, you name it) to have sex with me? I say no. Without the affair, then all of this "too ..." would be fine and I'd accept it as life happens. But the fact is her affair alters the context, and always will. That's the price to be paid to bring another person into a marriage. Because it was not about the sex. It never was. From a BH perspective: This may be true (my wife says the same thing) but you DID have sex, so it WAS about the sex. If it wasn't about the sex, then why have the sex? There was sex, therefore it IS about the sex. 2
Noirek Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 My affair was about sex. And I didn't think about it being a risk. I was pretty clueless and really didn't do a bunch of research. A. I wasn't going to get caught. People got caught being careless. Since his wife was on board my BH was the only one to hide it from. Deleting texts, not being secretive, never telling lies, etc. B. Clean std reports from the doctor C. Permanent contraceptive so no possibility of children Topic jump aside, OP if you are still here, you do need to be willing to do what you can for your husband if you want to save your marriage. And being humble is a good start. Sarcasm does not come from that place. You need to figure out why you went there. You need to do some work on yourself. You can't be a better person until you do.
road Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 I'm going to chime in because this subject came up this past week in my marriage. Mr Lucky's statement is 100% on the mark. This is an issue that has plagued me and I expect to plague me as long as I'm married to my wife. It is painful to think about what my wife was willing to risk in order to have sex with the OM. What price was she willing to pay (even if she didn't know at the time what the full price was going to be). My wife can be "too tired", "too cold", "too busy", "too whatever..." to have sex with me. However, during her affair she wasn't "too married" to have sex with the OM. Will she ever be willing to pay such a price (destroy a marriage, emasculate her husband, compromise her self-respect, be known as the "that" co-worker, you name it) to have sex with me? I say no. Without the affair, then all of this "too ..." would be fine and I'd accept it as life happens. But the fact is her affair alters the context, and always will. That's the price to be paid to bring another person into a marriage. From a BH perspective: This may be true (my wife says the same thing) but you DID have sex, so it WAS about the sex. If it wasn't about the sex, then why have the sex? There was sex, therefore it IS about the sex. Men give attention to get sex Women give sex to get attention This is how affairs work for many OM and WW. 3
road Posted November 19, 2016 Posted November 19, 2016 My affair was about sex. And I didn't think about it being a risk. I was pretty clueless and really didn't do a bunch of research. A. I wasn't going to get caught. People got caught being careless. Since his wife was on board my BH was the only one to hide it from. Deleting texts, not being secretive, never telling lies, etc. B. Clean std reports from the doctor C. Permanent contraceptive so no possibility of children Topic jump aside, OP if you are still here, you do need to be willing to do what you can for your husband if you want to save your marriage. And being humble is a good start. Sarcasm does not come from that place. You need to figure out why you went there. You need to do some work on yourself. You can't be a better person until you do. So did your BH find out? How?
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 From a BH perspective: This may be true (my wife says the same thing) but you DID have sex, so it WAS about the sex. If it wasn't about the sex, then why have the sex? There was sex, therefore it IS about the sex. He started it with words of love, hooked me but then I had to do the sexual acts to keep the love. And yes, I realize how that sounds but when you are a junkie, you need your fix.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 20, 2016 Posted November 20, 2016 My affair was about sex. And I didn't think about it being a risk. I was pretty clueless and really didn't do a bunch of research. A. I wasn't going to get caught. People got caught being careless. Since his wife was on board my BH was the only one to hide it from. Deleting texts, not being secretive, never telling lies, etc. B. Clean std reports from the doctor C. Permanent contraceptive so no possibility of children . What was in it for you? Just getting sex? You didn't get it at home?
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