Affair sex dynamic in marriage

[BlueParrot]

For those that cheated,

 

What were the sexual demands of your betrayed partners? Were you able to create a safe and fulfilling sexual partnership? What if your partner is now demanding the exciting sexual dynamic of an affair? Were you able to do that for them?

 

How? Advice will be welcome

[MidnightBlue1980]

For those that cheated,

 

What were the sexual demands of your betrayed partners? Were you able to create a safe and fulfilling sexual partnership? What if your partner is now demanding the exciting sexual dynamic of an affair? Were you able to do that for them?

 

How? Advice will be welcome

 

Your question is a little vague but yes, my husband and I have radically changed our sex life from basically non-existent to much more frequent and added the acts he felt were missing and were important to him. He is very happy now and seems secure. It takes a lot of communication but it can be fixed. In return, he is very affectionate towards me and pays me the attention he never did before. We've identified these issues as the reasons we each looked outside the marriage.

 

I am not sure if I answered your question.

[aileD]

Your question is a little vague but yes, my husband and I have radically changed our sex life from basically non-existent to much more frequent and added the acts he felt were missing and were important to him. He is very happy now and seems secure. It takes a lot of communication but it can be fixed. In return, he is very affectionate towards me and pays me the attention he never did before. We've identified these issues as the reasons we each looked outside the marriage.

 

I am not sure if I answered your question.

 

 

Ditto this for me and my H

[RecentChange]

I wouldn't say he "made demands" but our sex life, or use the other posters term did change pretty radically post affair.

 

We had never been vanilla, but we now explore all kinds of new things we hadn't before. We are more open, and can communicate more freely regarding sex, and our needs and wants now.

 

I suppose I am lucky, because the sex I have with my husband now surpasses any of the affair sex I had - even when you factor in the excitement / explicit nature of affair sex.

 

We now have a greater respect for the fact we are "sexual beings" and make sex a higher priority than before.

[drifter777]

Had my wife even hinted that she wanted our sex to change in any way due to her cheating I would have packed and left immediately. I don't care if she thought it was good - I never want to hear those words come out of her mouth.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Had my wife even hinted that she wanted our sex to change in any way due to her cheating I would have packed and left immediately. I don't care if she thought it was good - I never want to hear those words come out of her mouth.

 

I don't think anyone actually tells their spouse how great it was with the AP but after the affair is over, there is an opportunity to understand what was missing and broken in the marriage and typically sex is a huge part of that. If you don't address it, how can you fix it?

[RecentChange]

Had my wife even hinted that she wanted our sex to change in any way due to her cheating I would have packed and left immediately. I don't care if she thought it was good - I never want to hear those words come out of her mouth.

 

Also, I think you misunderstood the question. They asked if the betrayed spouse made demands (not the wandering spouse).

 

And I'll add to mine - perhaps not a demand, but he was suddenly more dominant/ kinky then he had ever been. He thought at first I was going along with it to please him, but in actuality I was delighted. And he also has requested that I be a "switch" and be the dominant one - which I have been trying hard to fulfill.

 

I noticed the OP also asked if we were able to do that (fulfill demands) and asked "how".

 

For me, I was thrilled to be given the opportunity to fulfill his fantasies and desires. I want to please him, so him communicating these things is wonderful.

 

As for "how" - what is your situation OP. Is your BS demanding things you can't, or are uncomfortable with?

[malvern99]

For those that cheated,

 

What were the sexual demands of your betrayed partners? Were you able to create a safe and fulfilling sexual partnership? What if your partner is now demanding the exciting sexual dynamic of an affair? Were you able to do that for them?

 

How? Advice will be welcome

 

This is typically one of the thorniest issues to overcome after infidelity. The average betrayed spouse feels inadequate as it is, and if their wandering spouse was more sexually open, adventurous or eager during the A with AP than with their betrayed spouse, that only pushes the knife deeper. A betrayed spouse demanding sexual parity with the AP is in my opinion, a mistake, but I understand how a person can get there. This just puts road blocks in the way to truly healing, because at the back of the BS's mind, they are always comparing themselves to the AP, and that is a battle a BS can never win. At the end of the day, taking something not freely given is also very unsatisfying for the BS, so no one "wins".

 

The only way to approach this issue is through open, honest yet sensitive communication. If you are unwilling to do something, speak up. Be ready to articulate why you feel a certain way. The only way you will make through this is through communication. Sex alone will not help you save your M. If that's a deal breaker, then so be it. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

What if your partner is now demanding the exciting sexual dynamic of an affair?

 

I don't care what the back story is - how good could sex be if you have to demand it? Especially if you know your WS gave it up willingly and enthusiastically to their AP?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't care what the back story is - how good could sex be if you have to demand it? Especially if you know your WS gave it up willingly and enthusiastically to their AP?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because it was not about the sex. It never was.

[BlueParrot]

Thank you for the replies

 

What I was trying to ask was - due to the nature of my job I was able to take time away from my family and spend time in hotels with the OM when my H was holding the fort at home (deeply ashamed by this). Also the fact is I engaged in some acts which I never did with H but were mostly initiated by the OM (there is email and msg trails I wished my H never saw). I went along with them. Disgusting I know and I am not at all bragging about it. I have offered them to H although I am not sure I will like having that kind of sex within my marriage.

 

Our sex life before and post A is mostly confined to our home. Its been couple of months since DDay. Now H is coming out with the demand that I "treat" him to the same perks as OM got it. And I would love to. Just not sure how. Because we do not live where we have our extended families. And the friends we have are really good acquaintances, not people with whom I would trust my kids. Not even babysitters. Its a sickening feeling for my H to know that I had the safety net of him to look after our kids but that is exactly what is preventing us taking our time away in hotels. He says both of us (me and OM) had something to look forward to and be excited - to know we have booked a meeting at a hotel. He wants that. That anticipation.

 

Also since our marital sex life is mostly confined to our home, he feels we are "not free" to do as we like - loud moans, lounging naked, pillow talks without worrying about an early next day. It has gotten to the point where he is rejecting my advances. I admit I haven't responded well to his very reasonable feelings. I have been sarcastic in saying I would moan as loud as he wants and will stay naked on the bed after, don't care if our kids hear us or our kids need us. I am absolutely ashamed to have reacted this way but I am also feeling defeated.

 

This is starting to create conflict and I am really looking to help in any way he feels.

[Noirek]

You either have trust issues or need better friends if you wouldn't trust your friends with your kids. Some parents are way too much of the helicopter parent in them. And that can destroy marriages as it can take away intimate time. If overnight worries you, you can always schedule a day they are at friends. They must have friends they are safe with during the day. If they are small during the day registered day care is available. Be proactive and creative.

[malvern99]

So basically, the woman your BH married is/has been OK with just a vanilla sex life. The woman who had the affair is this sex crazed person he's never met and he wants to meet her. It sounds like this isn't so much about the physical act of sex. It sounds like your BH wants to feel as desired as you desired your AP. That is understandable, but like I said before, that is a terrible idea that never ends well. Sarcasm doesn't really help your cause as I'm sure you now realize. You need to empathize and go out of your way to make him feel desired.

 

You don't need to do exactly what you and your AP did, as that just increases the chances of him triggering and not having a good time. I can't stress that enough. What you need to do is build new memories that are unique and special to you and your BH only. All that takes is effort. Put more effort into this than you put into your affair, and you'll be alright. Are you willing to do that? Do what it takes to find a solution to the baby sitting issue. That just sounds like excuses. Move mountains if you have to. Finding someone to care for your babies for 2 to 3 hours can't be impossible. It may be hard, but not impossible. Hard didn't stop you during your A... don't let it stop you now if you really want to save your M.

 

Once you take care of that, you know what you have to do, because you know how to start your BH's engine, and keep it revving all day, and then deliver. That's all he wants (even if he doesn't articulate it). To know that you are willing to put in the same or better yet more energy into sexing him as compared to your AP. He may reject you, but hey, welcome to the real world where no one gets everything they want 24/7. Keep trying. Eventually you'll wear him down if that is what you want to do. Good luck, and remember, this isn't about the sex. It is about making him feel desired, because right now, he feels discarded and second choice. Only you can fix that if that is what you want.

[Mr. Lucky]

I admit I haven't responded well to his very reasonable feelings. I have been sarcastic in saying I would moan as loud as he wants and will stay naked on the bed after, don't care if our kids hear us or our kids need us. I am absolutely ashamed to have reacted this way but I am also feeling defeated.

 

This is starting to create conflict and I am really looking to help in any way he feels.

 

Have the two of you been to MC? Have you had IC?

 

I'm all for sexual interludes but there seems to be issues with you and your relationship deeper than the volume of your moans...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

Also the fact is I engaged in some acts which I never did with H but were mostly initiated by the OM (there is email and msg trails I wished my H never saw). I went along with them. Disgusting I know and I am not at all bragging about it. I have offered them to H although I am not sure I will like having that kind of sex within my marriage.

 

Our sex life before and post A is mostly confined to our home. Its been couple of months since DDay. Now H is coming out with the demand that I "treat" him to the same perks as OM got it. And I would love to. Just not sure how.

 

Because we do not live where we have our extended families. And the friends we have are really good acquaintances, not people with whom I would trust my kids. Not even babysitters.

 

Also since our marital sex life is mostly confined to our home, he feels we are "not free" to do as we like - loud moans, lounging naked, pillow talks without worrying about an early next day. It has gotten to the point where he is rejecting my advances. I admit I haven't responded well to his very reasonable feelings. I have been sarcastic in saying I would moan as loud as he wants and will stay naked on the bed after, don't care if our kids hear us or our kids need us. I am absolutely ashamed to have reacted this way but I am also feeling defeated.

 

What kind of sex are you not sure you want to have in your marriage and why?

 

I don't do non-monogamy, I don't allow pics/video, and I don't do bodily waste. Other than that, there isn't a single thing I wouldn't do to or with DH. We've had many years of physical, mental, and emotional closeness because we have shared and explored our kinks and quirks.

 

Most people are decent and perfectly capable of keeping a couple kids alive and well for a day. You need to let go a bit. Hire a sitter from a service, make arrangements with another parent to take turns watching each others kids, use a daycare. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you and your H get the time alone you need.

 

My parents had a demonstrative relationship. They hugged, kissed, held hands, etc. Of course we kids heard them have sex throughout our childhoods. Honestly, it was actually reassuring. I mean, from a kid point of view, if your parents are occasionally heard to be having sex you figure they must really like each other and are probably not going to split up like the parents of half the kids you know.

 

If the kids are sleeping and a few moans can be heard, I promise the sky will not fall.

 

DH and I have a 3/4 finished basement family room with a sectional couch with chaise, TV, computers, and a liquor shelf. There is also a pocket door separating the basement from the rest of the house. I bought a lock for that door. I also bought a bag for our toys and accessories (rope, cuffs, oils, etc.) that I can take to the basement. We have had many lounge around naked date nights there. If any one of the kids had needed something, it wasn't a big deal to throw on a robe and go.

 

Any way you can set up something similar?

 

Also, we are willing to go without sleep here and there to get those pillow talks in. A few hours of lost sleep to keep your marriage going doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice.

[kgcolonel]

Here's a thought....make arrangements for some of your family to either come stay at your house or take the kiddos to their's telling them that you and hubby need some away time.

 

Make a hotel reservation or take the time to travel to an area you both like and rekindle your sex life there.....it's not that hard...if money is the issue, make the investment and get the hotel in the same town as the family where the kids are staying, not telling anyone where you are but can be contacted by cell.....

 

Better do it soon or there will be no need...

[BluesPower]

BlueParrot, You really need to listen to this...

 

If you want your marriage you had better step up to the plate, period.

 

If you don't, your marriage is over. Look hon, I am a BS and a WS, so I have been on both sides.

 

Your husband wants to be desired by you, the way you desired your OM. If you cannot get your head around that you are history to him, and it will be a really bad divorce.

 

If I found out my wife was/had not willingly, gladly, and graciously given me everything the gave the other man and more. She would be out on her ear.

 

I know that everyone will say that I am being to harsh, you can believe that if you want to. For men, it is not the "emotional" connection that you had with the OM, it is the sex.

 

I guess that you are a couple of months out from D-Day, so I know that all of this is new. You need to really read up on this stuff and figure it out because you are already making a huge mistake.

 

If you don't want the marriage, file now and save yourself the trouble.

[aileD]

OP. I hear you in relation to being stuck doing it at home. Our bedroom is a loft and the living room and kids room are under it. over the years we have trained ourselves to be quiet and limited to positions that don't make that much noise.

 

How boring.

 

Now we make it a point to do more and be more adventurous. We also have a downstairs finished area we can lock ourselves in so that helps. Our kids are a little older and although I don't like them to hear us have sex I'm sure they have more than once and to be honest, it shows them that our marriage is better and married people have sex. I remember being mortified hearing my mom and stepdad have sex thru my bedroom wall, but I never doubted they had a good marriage.

 

But I really think you need to "let go" a little bit with who you let watch your children. Even if you had someone just take them to a movie...that's two hours alone with H where you can be loud and do it on the kitchen table or whatever.

 

He wants to spice things up and have a good sex life with you. This is a good thing! Even if you went to a hotel and had someone stay with your kids overnight....that's not a big deal. They will be asleep most of the time anyway. Put them to bed, go to the hotel with H, have a wild night and come home for breakfast.

 

Your kids will survive and they want your marriage to survive.

[aileD]

I also want to say this is different but along the same idea:

 

The reason it's taking me so long to find A job is that I refuse to take a job that's going to interfere with my marriage. I worked overnights for years and that fostered some of the issues in our marriage.

 

I will never again let another job be more important than my marriage. I won't work weekends and I won't work nights and holidays.

 

I know kids aren't the same but you have to put your marriage first even above the children. Otherwise it will not survive and ultimately your children lose their family....

 

Get a babysitter. You can do it.

[drifter777]

I know that everyone will say that I am being to harsh, you can believe that if you want to. For men, it is not the "emotional" connection that you had with the OM, it is the sex.

BlueParrot Please understand what BluesPower is saying here. Most WW's never do. The fact is that for the overwhelming majority of men cheating is all about the sex. It sounds as though he is trying to regain his sense of identity after being emasculated by you.

 

He wants to get wild in the bedroom but I would not be at all surprised if he ends up more disgusted with you if you go along and do it. It's likely that the sex he has had with you up until now is the sex that he wants, but he's still reeling and confused by all of this. He's testing you at every turn & this sex thing is just one of these tests. He married the woman he thought you were and passed up women who he saw as more wild and daring. This testing he is doing is not a conscious thing, it's part of the defense mechanism that is trying to protect him from future pain. It's a catch-22 for you: if you do this wilder sex you might disgust him and if you don't you fail the test of "will she do anything to make this right?"

 

The fact that he read so many ugly details about your affair sex is going to weigh very heavily on your attempts to reconcile and there's a very good chance it's going to kill your marriage. Perhaps you should take these requests for wilder sex as him asking you to help him heal. Yes, the images of you and the OM are killing him but I really don't think he's looking to act out the same things you did with him. He's just hurting and searching for something that will ease that hurt. The next time he brings up this sex stuff you should get to a quiet place and tell him how sorry you are for what you did. Tell him you much prefer the sex you have with him and that the affair sex was like forbidden fruit and that's what made it exciting, but exciting doesn't mean better. However you approach it I think it's best for you to understand that the fundamental problem is that you betrayed him & destroyed his identity as a man. You have to help him heal.

 

From your posts it is pretty clear to me that you don't understand the devastation your cheating has done to your BH and your marriage. The reactions & behavior your husband is exhibiting are classic signs that he is never going to be able to live with what you did. I honestly see little chance that you are going to get through this without divorce so I would advise starting counseling now with the goal being effective co-parenting after you split.

[drifter777]

I don't think anyone actually tells their spouse how great it was with the AP but after the affair is over, there is an opportunity to understand what was missing and broken in the marriage and typically sex is a huge part of that. If you don't address it, how can you fix it?

 

Since I don't believe any man should attempt to reconcile with his WW this is easy: You don't try to fix it. She's made her choice and now you both have to live with it.

[GunslingerRoland]

 

Because we do not live where we have our extended families. And the friends we have are really good acquaintances, not people with whom I would trust my kids. Not even babysitters.

 

This is kind of outside of the topic of this thread, but if you can't find someone you can trust your kids with, it will kill your marriage. Everyone needs to be able to spend some time with their spouse without the kids.

 

Make some better friends. Find a qualified babysitter. Even if your kids are young or have complex needs there are always good options available if you look.

[RecentChange]

Drifter, do you think it goes both ways? A woman should never reconcile with her wandering husband?

 

Any sort of cheating should be it. End of story?

 

I know that is how some people handle things - but others are able to reconcile and are happy that they did.

[CommittedToThis]

She's made her choice and now you both have to live with it.

 

Only she has to live with it, he can do the right thing and dump her via a painful and costly divorce. Then he can [sleep with] anyone he wants with no strings and laugh at his cheating ex who is watching the kids that weekend.

 

When a partner makes the selfish decision to cheat rather than, you know, talk to their partner about it, that decision entails accepting responsibility for the brutal aftermath.

 

OP, it's unlikely your H will ever be able to accept the images of what he saw in your oh-so-exciting little secret messages with your [OM]. []

Edited November 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[BluesPower]

I disagree to some extent...

 

I know I would not be disgusted and I don't think that your H will be either.

 

I say do the best you can to give him what he wants, I really think you owe him that much.

 

Remember he wants to be desired and respected by you. He wants you to make him feel sexy like you did the OM.

 

And, like I said, if you just can't do this then you may as well file for divorce and save both of you the pain. Because if you can't make it through this part, you won't make it through the hard stuff down the road.

 

Good luck...