goodyblue Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 I have a question. My friends husband has a friend that he sent a card to, I don't know exactly what it said, something along the lines of his life being crazy and how he missed her. My friend found the unsent card and confronted him, he said he was drunk and wasn't planning to send it. She said she has forgiven him but it still bugs her so for me that means she hasn't forgiven him. She said she doesn't trust him now and that doesn't speak of forgiveness either. So I guess my question to those who know, what is the difference between forgiving and moving on without the worry? I honestly don't know what to tell her because if i found something like that it would mean my marriage was over and I would leave. Can you forgive someone and still have those feelings of worry? What if she keeps bringing it up? How would you have handled it? She feels like he cheated, I don't see it as that. Thoughts?
ladydesigner Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 I have a question. My friends husband has a friend that he sent a card to, I don't know exactly what it said, something along the lines of his life being crazy and how he missed her. My friend found the unsent card and confronted him, he said he was drunk and wasn't planning to send it. She said she has forgiven him but it still bugs her so for me that means she hasn't forgiven him. She said she doesn't trust him now and that doesn't speak of forgiveness either. So I guess my question to those who know, what is the difference between forgiving and moving on without the worry? I honestly don't know what to tell her because if i found something like that it would mean my marriage was over and I would leave. Can you forgive someone and still have those feelings of worry? What if she keeps bringing it up? How would you have handled it? She feels like he cheated, I don't see it as that. Thoughts? My answer... No Although I did read forgiveness is about letting it go for yourself, but it doesn't seem like your friend can let go and I can't say that I blame her. 4
Author goodyblue Posted November 16, 2016 Author Posted November 16, 2016 My answer... No Although I did read forgiveness is about letting it go for yourself, but it doesn't seem like your friend can let go and I can't say that I blame her. Yeah. That's kind of what I think. 2
basil67 Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 I agree that forgiveness is about letting go for yourself. But it doesn't necessarily involve starting over as if nothing has happened. I've got one or two friends in my past where there was a falling out. I've forgiven them, but have no intention of having them in my life again. 3
aileD Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 It's hard to truly forgive when the person you are trying to forgive isn't remorseful, rug sweeps, and doesn't care about your feelings. 6
waterwoman Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Forgiveness isn't something you choose to do. I said I forgave him fairly early on when I hit a good patch and felt better. Then I hit a bad patch again and it was very clear I hadn't. Up and down over the next few years - the downs getting admittedly fewer. For a long long time I still saw him as the enemy. It was a difficult time. Now I would say I have unequivocally forgiven him - but it took time and although I will never forget what happened it is now just one of the many things that make up our long story and there is no more pain. Your friend hasn't forgiven. 3
mikeylo Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Forgiveness is tricky. It brings peace to the one who forgives in the hope that it will make things move forward and letting go of the past BUT if the forgiven is continuing the behavior, after being ' remorseful ', it's a big shame on them. They don't deserve to be forgiven. 3
afoolto no end Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 it is a tough situation, she is now aware that he is capable of betrayal, even writing the card is proof, she has every right to be cautious and untrusting. she needs to accept the man she believed could not cheat might be someone who could......hard thing to accept....she will have to decide how this will change her relationship with him....how it will change the marriage...... The husband needs to offer complete transparency for her to begin to trust him again. without it, she will always wonder what he is doing when she isn't with him. The trust now has been broken and it isn't really about forgiveness anymore, it's about trusting him....knowing he has that kind of betrayal in him, it's about respecting the marriage/her...... Forgiveness is earned, trust is earned through showing her he is not doing anything wrong for the rest of their marriage. 3
katielee Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I have forgiven my husband but still have feelings of worry. Unfortunately, trust and forgiveness don't go hand in hand. In fact, this is the hardest part of our relationship right now. To me, forgiveness means you don't harbor ill will towards the person, you don't hold it over their head and you have empathy for them. Trust is something different. 3
Arieswoman Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 goodyblue, he said he was drunk and wasn't planning to send it. Oh, the "I was drunk" excuse - if she believes that then I have a bridge to sell her She said she has forgiven him but it still bugs her so for me that means she hasn't forgiven him. She said she doesn't trust him now and that doesn't speak of forgiveness either. No, she hasn't forgiven him at all and neither would I - not before I had more info about this "friend". She really needs to get to the bottom of this before she can move forward. 3
Author goodyblue Posted November 17, 2016 Author Posted November 17, 2016 goodyblue, Oh, the "I was drunk" excuse - if she believes that then I have a bridge to sell her No, she hasn't forgiven him at all and neither would I - not before I had more info about this "friend". She really needs to get to the bottom of this before she can move forward. I agree. I think I will steer her to this site. I just could not stay with someone who did this to me. Not sure if it is cheating but in my mind it is a betrayal and that would be impossible for me to get over. I feel bad for her.
wmacbride Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 You can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept future poor behavior. 3
sandylee1 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I suspect she can forgive and still have the issue bugging her, but maybe it still bugs her because she doesn't know the full extent of his relationship with the woman he wrote the card to. I wouldn't buy his story and it' could be that she doesn't either. Unless in a very casual context (like a coworker leaving), a married man wouldn't normally say he missesanother woman. One would likely be very familiar and comfortable with a woman to have got her the card he never sent. He says he was drunk when he wrote the card, but was he drunk when he bought the card as well. That story is a load of bull and deep down she probably knows this which is what's bugging her.
Author goodyblue Posted November 18, 2016 Author Posted November 18, 2016 I suspect she can forgive and still have the issue bugging her, but maybe it still bugs her because she doesn't know the full extent of his relationship with the woman he wrote the card to. I wouldn't buy his story and it' could be that she doesn't either. Unless in a very casual context (like a coworker leaving), a married man wouldn't normally say he missesanother woman. One would likely be very familiar and comfortable with a woman to have got her the card he never sent. He says he was drunk when he wrote the card, but was he drunk when he bought the card as well. That story is a load of bull and deep down she probably knows this which is what's bugging her. She showed me the card, that is what was printed on it, he hadn't written anything. He was drunk and they were fighting, he bought the card and put it somewhere (I don't know where) and she found it. Still, the sentiment is there. I agree with the familiarity thing though.
Mr Blunt Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 Originally Posted by goodyblue So I guess my question to those who know, what is the difference between forgiving and moving on without the worry? Can you forgive someone and still have those feelings of worry? My understanding of forgiveness means that you do not have ill feelings (hatred, revenge, resentments, etc.) for the person you forgive. Forgiveness does not mean NO consequences. This woman you mentioned has lack of trust in him; that is a consequence of the man betraying the trust of his wife. You stated that what her husband did “…still bugs her” What does bug mean? If it is worry then that is a normal consequence and not unforgiveness. If bug means that she resents him and wants to get even then she has not forgiven him. Originally Posted by goodyblue What if she keeps bringing it up? How would you have handled it? If she keeps bring it up she may want to get assurance that he loves only her and that he is truly remorseful for his betrayal; that is not unforgiveness. If she keeps bringing it up she may want to punish him or spew out her resentments; that is unforgiveness.
sandylee1 Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 She showed me the card, that is what was printed on it, he hadn't written anything. He was drunk and they were fighting, he bought the card and put it somewhere (I don't know where) and she found it. Still, the sentiment is there. I agree with the familiarity thing though. Aaahhh. I see. Even if he was drunk one can be drunk and still fully aware of what their doing though. With that, if it was me, I'd be thinking I've had a fight with my H and now it's brought back memories of a past relationship he had (but not necessarily one before the marriage) .... like an affair or an other close relationship that was now over. I think it's human nature to remember a good relationship, when the one you're in is not in a great place. I've done it myself, but not acted on anything. That feeling of "John would have done that for me or he'd never have said that to me" It's that niggling feeling that you're not being told everything that can make it hard to stop thinking about. 1
sandylee1 Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 My understanding of forgiveness means that you do not have ill feelings (hatred, revenge, resentments, etc.) for the person you forgive. Forgiveness does not mean NO consequences. This woman you mentioned has lack of trust in him; that is a consequence of the man betraying the trust of his wife. If she keeps bring it up she may want to get assurance that he loves only her and that he is truly remorseful for his betrayal; that is not unforgiveness. Excellent points Mr. Blunt. Forgiveness doesn't mean full trust and let's forget it ever happened.
Popsicle Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 You're supposed to forgive like Jesus did, so yes forgiving means without consequence. If you can not do that, then you should leave because that is not forgiveness.
waterwoman Posted November 18, 2016 Posted November 18, 2016 You're supposed to forgive like Jesus did, so yes forgiving means without consequence. If you can not do that, then you should leave because that is not forgiveness. Not sure there is any such thing as 'supposed' when it comes to forgiveness. Most of us aren't like Jesus. Most of us are human. When you do truly forgive you know it because it's like taking of a coat of barbed wire. And it's a slow organic process - you won't know if you can manage it until you have done so. 2
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