I want a deeper connection with my love.. [UPDATE Girlfriend of 19 months dumped me.]

[Coollaxer]

Me and my love have been dating for a year and a half, both 19. We have had complications in the past (look briefly in my other posts if you want) but I'm happy to say we have berried those things and moved on. We have been very happy for a while but there's one thing that we both feel.. we don't have an as deep connection as we used to, we don't really talk about anything interesting. It's just your usual small talk day by day things. Like asking what we did today and telling each other things that happened, I just want it to be more exciting or our conversations to be more exciting. We love each other dearly. To give a small back round info of where we stand right now she is in college in Poughkeepsie New York and I'm in community college in New York. I understand it's harder to sustain a connection when away for so long but is there any advice to get the ball rolling again and have better conversations? One thing that is at a disadvantage we don't have all that much in common. That doesn't help but that doesn't mean you need to have stuff in common to have a good relationship. Anyway any advice is appreciated

[Gaeta]

Well, as you get older, you'll realize yes it's important to have at least a few things in common. Once the butterflies settle down and that honeymoon phase is past what is left? Yes things you 2 have in common.

 

Not having things in common feels exactly like it feels now, not much to talk about, not much to connect over, etc.

 

You can find all kinds of topics to debate over but if it's not in her personality to make opinions and to discuss them it's not going to make good conversation. Maybe you should not put so much energy in conversing and more into visiting each other as often as possible.

[Coollaxer]

So me and my girlfriend of 1 year and 7 months are having issues. It seems as if we are going to break up soon. We both love each other very much, we are each others first loves and this is very hard. We both agreed that it feels like things have changed since she's wrapping up her 1st semester of college (LDR for us).now she says she is changing and she's maturing, we don't have A lot of time to talk on the phone only texting is seems to be the only option since we are both very busy. But when we do talk or FaceTime it's very hard to talk. We talk about the same things every day, (how was your day, what did you do. Etc.) and we don't have much in common. She claims she feels that she thinks we may need to break up and I agreed since we have had multiple fall outs ( fall outs meaning her questioning if she wants to be in the relationship etc.) BUT she is afraid to break up with me as she says she can't lose me, she wants us to remain in each other's lives forever if it's friends or partners. I personally wouldn't mind that if we did break up but not right away obviously. She says that she's worried if we break up and that I'm what she really wants that I may not be there when she comes back. I told

Her that there will not be any garuntee and I don't know if I would be there or not. But we have decided to take a break for a week or so while she goes back to college to see what life is like with out talking to each other she said that if we do break up and she wants to get back together that she will feel foolish Bc I treat her like a princess. (Not bragging but I really do. i try to be the most gentleman like Person I can be as I beleihe in bold fashion ways like opening the car door, walking her to the steps after a date etc.). and by break I mean just no contact. We are not talking to any other people. What do you guys think should happen? I really don't want to leave her but at the same time I can't take the constant emotional rollercoaster of her not being sure of her feelings.

[TheTraveler]

and we don't have much in common.

 

So why bother keeping this relationship going?

 

I will add, she probably has guys ready to date and she's done with you

[Expectmore]

You have probably heard it before but ,,you are in collage. You have nothing to worry about.

If you walk away with a smile and a friendly demeanor she will pursue you again.

Not that you should go back but that is human nature.

Long term relationships should not be high on your prioities right now.

Career and where you are going to live should be first then a great girl to share life with.

Trust in your heart and head at the same time.

If the fire is low already how is it going too last a lifetime. Find your fire woman!!!!!

[BAcK]

When you truly want to be with someone, distance does not matter. Cliched. Now coming to your situation. You treated her like a princess and in return she wants to break up. Does this make sense to you?

Obviously she is keeping a door open by telling you that she might come back. But would you want play second fiddle? Personally i would advise you to go NC and work on yourself. What's the point of trying to change her mind if she is not even sure about what she wants. Even I have done such mistakes in the past but it's a dead end.

Ask her to make up her mind right now and go NC if she still wants to break up. Do not get friendzoned.

[basil67]

Opening doors and walking her to her door is not treating her like a princess. While those those things can be nice, they certainly aren't the mortar which hold together a relationship.

 

You say that the two of you are both too busy to make time for each other. This shows me that both of you have each other as a fairly low priority in your lives. If you don't raise each other up the priority list, this will fall apart.

 

And if she dumps you, don't do the friend route. Make a clean end of it and move on.

[thecrucible]

And if she dumps you, don't do the friend route. Make a clean end of it and move on.

 

I agree. Although it's a 'let's wait and see' kind of scenario as it is the first relationship for them both. OP, you could try being friends afterwards but you will likely find that that isn't practically possible. You may find that 'being friends' means being friendly when you bump into them but not actually maintaining a friendship.

[Sweetfish]

A break in this scenario means the relationship is absolutely done and if it's a 4 year term... it's really time to move on... I wouldn't wait or dream of a reconnection.

[mortensorchid]

I went through the same thing you are at the moment with my HS sweetheart. Nothing like 2 people going away to college and causing that distance to make you break up. And, we did at the end of my first year. We agreed that we had both changed, it was time for us to move on. It was not ugly on either part. If only it was that easy each and every time since.

 

It's time to move on. But don't worry, someone else will come along and they'll be bad bad BAD and hurt you like everyone else will. But it's your first love. You'll be okay.

[Coollaxer]

Thank you for everyone who responded. I feel like I'm coming to understand that this is coming to an end. It's just really hard to take in.. she was my first for everything. I've always been the person she runs to if she's been hurt or just wanted to tell me something. And not being that person anymore really freaking hurts. But for those who said it would be best to not be friends, I feel like this will probably be a mutual break up and although we won't be able to be friends at first I think we can be friends later on. Obviously not best friends but we can be friendly I feel like... what would be the best way to break this off? We both agreed we felt like it was coming so it's not a surprise... it's just gonna be one sad night full of crying and sad hugs lol

But also I'd like to add, she's away at college for 18 more days... I wanna do it in person but that seems so far away

[ExpatInItaly]

First loves are always hard to let go of. Many of us have been through the same emotions and fears you're having right now. It's normal, and it will sting for a while.

 

But, when you come out on the other side, you will be open to an even bigger love. Each relationship can teach us something and improve our relationship skills, and I would imagine that a lot of us have experienced much more satisfying and exciting relationships than our first loves. They generally hold a special spot in our memories, but they aren't generally the loves of our lives. This is a good thing, because it does mean you have something to look forward to in the future.

 

As for being friends, it won't be possible at first. There will still be too many raw emotions and memories. After a lot of time has passed, it might be more likely. But you know what? You just might not even be interested in keeping a friendship going at that point. We often drift apart as our lives change, so it could be a non-issue in the future.

[Coollaxer]

The last time we spoke about it, it was pretty clear to me that we need to separate as we both agreed we are scared to do it as we don't want to but know we have to do it. She's away at college for a mother 18 days until she comes home for winter break, I'd rather do it in person but idk how I can wait that long.. any advice on this?

[Coollaxer]

So I finally did it... what I felt like

I've had to do for a while but I just couldn't. As there has been past times (many) that she has felt differnely about our relationship ( look back at my posts) she has Said things don't feel right, she didn't see us being on the same page when we are older job/money wise. She couldn't say she wanted t marry me, we always had the same old conversations, we didn't feel like we were working, multiple breaks in my relationship w her. She has said all of these things multiple times and now when I video chatted her to talk ands I broke up with her. I told her I didn't want to break up but I felt like we really had to, as we always try to make things work but they would go back to the problems.. and after I broke up with her she told me I wasn't the same person, and everything I said above she flipped around and said we always work through these times, I broke my promise of never hurting her, and that she hopes I'm happy. Now all I'm wishing is I could just say that we can try again but I know I Couldn't say that or shouldn't as I really wanted to but that's not the right thing to do... any advice?

[Been]

If someone tells you they can't see themselves being married to you what's the point of staying togeather ??

Instead of waiting for her to do it you broke it off with her. And of course your going to feel bad-I'm sure you really didn't want to do that but ask your self what choice was she giving you?

[Coollaxer]

I just don't understand how she can turn it around on me and say I broke her trust and all that, and she said I'm not the person she used to know.. how is this my fault if she was always the one that never felt good about our relationship? I mean we were each other's first loves and we will always have that special connection but we don't connect like we used to anymore. And now it seems like all the things she's said went out the window and I'm a terrible person for breaking up with her.. idk what to do now

[Been]

To be honest nobody likes to get dumped so I think she's just mad about that.

It sounds to me like you ended a relationship that was waning.

Believe me she would have eventually dumped you-you just beat her to it.

You already listed why you broke up-don't second guess yourself because she's trying to put a guilt trip on you.

[Coollaxer]

She texted this to me this morning.... she said that she loves me so much,telling me how good I've been to her, telling me I'm her best friend, saying she respects me so much and that after losing me she realized how much she wanted me.. and that she hopes one day we will end up back together one day. I'm not very sure on what to say to thatt.. any advice?

[fromheart]

You know exactly what she'll do if she gets back with you. The cycle will continue.

 

She's just trying to get the power back, so she can be the one to end it. To me that highlights why you're better off without her.

[Coollaxer]

so I'm giving it another shot.. I broke up with my girlfriend, you can read the last tread I posted if you wish. But anyways, I have talked about this with my mother, and brother and a few friend. And I was given the advice to give her another shot, not that I didn't want to I just didn't know if I could endure the pain anymore. But here so am trying again as she begged me to try and make it work so I gave in. But one thing is.. how could I possibly throw away a year and 8 months of my relationship with out trying again and making it work? So I'm trying to make it work. But now to the reason I came to the form today. My girlfriend started writing for a blog, and her first blog was about her supporters and a thank you to all of them, now that's all fine and great but she mentions her family, her high school teachers, high school principal, friends, family. And I didn't really feel like I was included in it so I just asked her about it. And told her " please don't get upset as I'm not saying you did anything wrong and it's totally your choice but was I included in your blog? I felt Kim I didn't know what if I was.." and she freaked out saying why do I have to find fault with something that finally makes her happy and what ever and I just tried explaining too her I just didn't know if I was included in it. Well she said I was and she said I was included in the friends and famailt and all thAt. Well I asked her where I fell and she said the friends. Well I asked her why and she said she can't ever take that down and if she wrote something about me and if we break up she will alwats have to see it. Should I be annoyed at this? What are your thoughts.. and I just wanna apologize as I feel like I'm really starting to annoy you guys since I post about my problems when I have them...... thanks.

[Mrin]

No you shouldn't be annoyed. Given your history together, what she did is perfectly reasonable. Why would she paint you permanently into the picture when you might not be permanent.

 

Call her and tell her you've thought about it and understand why she did what she did and that on second thought it doesn't bother you.

[Gaeta]

how could I possibly throw away a year and 8 months of my relationship

 

 

 

You've had problems from the beginning that is how you COULD and SHOULD drop this relationship. When it's bad people throw away relationships that are much longer and even marriages. You don't remain in a relationship JUST because you've invested some time in it. You remain in a relationship that makes you happy and fulfilled. Not the case here.

 

She did not mention you in her blog because she is not 100% sure this relationship will last. A blog is a blog, she could have spoken about you and even if you do break up she could use the blog as a support toward single-hood again.

 

I think she purposely did not mentioned you.

I think you should have dropped it and never mention it to her.

 

Good luck.

[Coollaxer]

So I'm 19, she is 19 we both go to college and are in a college LDR. She goes to Marist college upstate New York and I'm on Long Island in a community college. We first met in high school as she was the "book keeper" for my lacrosse team I played on and supposedly she really liked me so I asked her to prom. Even made it after a big game we won and got some of my

Best buddies to wear white shirts underneath their jerseys that each had a letter to spell prom. So needless to say it was magical when we won the game and I had my buddy's line up to pull up the jerseys as it spelled out "prom?" On our shirts in frond of the whole crowd. Probably the best times of my

Life, we went to 2 proms (my only proms i ever went to) we fell so hard in love. I would surprise her with flowers all the time and she would always me she felt like she was in a Cinderella movie bla bla bla. She's my first love and I'm hers also. I would alwats pull out her chair, cover her with anything I had if I was raining, opened every door I could. I really tried to be the best gentleman and boyfriend I could be for her. She has really bad anxiety. All of these things I thought I'd share for you to get an understanding of the relationship. Now for the story of the break up.

 

Befor she came home for her first semester from college we had a fall out, she needed space and she said she didn't know what she wanted. (This has happened 3 times that she needed space SiNce she didn't know what she wanted. I ended it for a day until she begged me to try again (see last post) and so we tried again. Before she went back to college, we went to the city, went to dinner dates, shared so much love. It was amazing, so many late nights talking and in love and now she's back at college and it's only her 4 th week back there. Or third. But I made her promise me she can't bottle up he feelings and not tell me how she feels Bc she can't be afraid to hurt my feelings and everything. Well turns out this time seems to be a little different. The whole time she has been at college this semester she is pretty much miserable, she is horribly home sick, she isn't healthy as shes not eating, she's almost passed out from not eating the other day, she really really struggles to love her self. (Forgot to mention this.) she hates her body, she hates her skin, she hates everything about her pretty much when she is just so so hard on her self. She knows guys drool

Over her, she knows I think she is drop dead gorgeous but she continues to not love her self, not be happy, she is depressed and she has such bad anxiety.

 

So the reason she broke it off: she told me it had nothing to do with our relationship, with me, she still loves me the same and sill loves me so much and she says that she appreciates me so much. Everything I do for her she can't think of a way to repay, and that it's all her fault this is happeninf Bc she is so unhealthy, she is so sad, she is depressed, she needs to work on her self, and that most importantly she needs to learn how to love her self. And that she finally agreed to go see a therapist. She pretty much said she hopes we can stay close and be friends. And that if we are meant to be we will find our way back to each other but for now she can't handle a relationship anylonger please help guys I don't know what to do. All I know is i ovbiouslly want to be her partner SO BADLY. But I'm not gonna go chase her after all this and her final words were "we will talk soon, I love you more then anything". Please any advice would be so great.

[Coollaxer]

Anyone? Please guys I'm in a lot of pain here just looking for some advice....

[ZayKayWill]

Seems to me like you've already done what you can. Just give her her space. If you don't she's gonna get upset and in all honesty (and I know this isn't what you're trying to do) it's a bit disrespectful on your part to not give her space. Like she said if it's meant to be she'll find you....sorry bro. I know how you feel. You feel like it's up to you to do what you can to get her to come back. But sometimes that's not always the case. It takes 2 to tengo.