hurting1078 Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 I am feeling a mixture of hurt and anger, & it seems to go back and forth daily. It's day 7 today and I haven't had contact but I do look as he posts constant pics with his new target. Part of it helps me to get more angry and also I feel like I want to know when it crashes down around him for my own pleasure. I sent the kindest message last Wednesday after he decided to stop responding in the middle of an important conversation- telling him that it hurt to feel this level of distance between us and that I couldn't handle the swing anymore between getting my hopes up that he still wanted me and later feeling like he didn't. I told him if he was sure he wanted us to let me know and he never responded again. It's just a level of cruelty I can't comprehend after 5 years together. He just meets someone else who is 14 years younger and it's like I never existed. Who does that? And who does that all while lying and saying he never wanted to lose me? I just feel broken inside..devastated. I don't know how to heal. I've read articles, I've watched videos...none of it makes me feel sure I can resist in the future when he comes back. Part of me is afraid he will and a lot of me is afraid he won't.. help..
PLT Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 Take it from me. Time, and allowing yourself to heal is the only way to heal. I know exactly how you feel. That someone you thought cared so deeply about you can be so cold and uncaring is an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with. As Texasguy said to me in the BPD thread, every time you feel that longing. Remember everything you did for him. Remember all the times you forgave him, remember all the love you gave him. THEN remember how he is treating you now. Also, take it from me, even if you two got back together, it would NOT get better. No matter how much you want it to, as he just doesn't care. If anything it would get worse. I have spent the past year in this perpetual cycle of doing absolutely everything I could to make the relationship work while she just demanded more and more from me. What I find helps is to stop using labels. I know why you do it, it's to try and make some sense of the chaos, but it serves no purpose to YOU. So rather than seeing my ex as potentially BPD, potentially narcissistic or whtever, I now just view it as she was abusive to me. The is the beginning and end of it of it. The reasons why she was abusive is not really my concern anymore. It is not a linear process. In the past year I have taken 2 steps forward and 10 back so many times I've lost count. But there has to come a time when you say enough is enough. I spent a year fighting for my relationship while she just got more and more abusive. It HAS to be a 2 way street. There IS life beyond this man, just like I am only now starting to realise there IS life beyond my ex. It takes courage to move into that new life but you can do it. 5
VienneseCoffee Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 I would definitely suggest not looking at those photos and go into No Contact with this guy. I've been dealing with something very similar and painful, with my ex going back and forth with me on wanting to get back together. He hoovered me in with some talks about getting back together and then disappeared, come to find out he was dating someone new so that could explain it. lol. The fact of the matter is this guy just wants to sort of keep you on the hook so he won't come out and say things are over and he doesn't want a relationship with you. I don't know why they do it, maybe they like to think they can come back to you if they need you but in all likelihood, they will just spit you out again or toss you something to keep you hopeful and waiting, It is sort of a sadistic and cruel game in my opinion. You need to take care of yourself and just cut him off. Especially if he is seeing someone else now, that should be a major sign that he isn't coming back.
stillafool Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 The first thing you have to do is block all access to information about him. Looking at him and his new girl are going to keep you stuck in pain. Just take it 1 day at a time. 1
ladydesigner Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 Take it from me. Time, and allowing yourself to heal is the only way to heal. I know exactly how you feel. That someone you thought cared so deeply about you can be so cold and uncaring is an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with. As Texasguy said to me in the BPD thread, every time you feel that longing. Remember everything you did for him. Remember all the times you forgave him, remember all the love you gave him. THEN remember how he is treating you now. Also, take it from me, even if you two got back together, it would NOT get better. No matter how much you want it to, as he just doesn't care. If anything it would get worse. I have spent the past year in this perpetual cycle of doing absolutely everything I could to make the relationship work while she just demanded more and more from me. What I find helps is to stop using labels. I know why you do it, it's to try and make some sense of the chaos, but it serves no purpose to YOU. So rather than seeing my ex as potentially BPD, potentially narcissistic or whtever, I now just view it as she was abusive to me. The is the beginning and end of it of it. The reasons why she was abusive is not really my concern anymore. It is not a linear process. In the past year I have taken 2 steps forward and 10 back so many times I've lost count. But there has to come a time when you say enough is enough. I spent a year fighting for my relationship while she just got more and more abusive. It HAS to be a 2 way street. There IS life beyond this man, just like I am only now starting to realise there IS life beyond my ex. It takes courage to move into that new life but you can do it. This post was very valuable to read for me as I am beginning the process of leaving a Narcissist and so far he is pulling out every trick in the book... right now he is throwing guilt my way for not seeing all that he has done for me these last 2-1/2 years. My WH had a 3 year year A and put me through hell, never made me feel comfortable or safe. 1
Author hurting1078 Posted November 16, 2016 Author Posted November 16, 2016 I am so sad at this point. I just can't believe he's gone even though I know logically he's a complete jerk of a human being. It's such a mind f*** to have to go through and it hurts so much. 2
PLT Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 You are only at 1 week. It is still extremely raw. Don't be so hard on yourself. Another thing that is helping me, is I'm telling myself that it's ok to still love her, despite how she treated me. I can't ever see her again because she doesn't love me and much as I love her my primary concern now is ME. This is the mindset you want to try and work towards. Bear in mind I am 3 months post BU (for what feels like the 100th time!), but only 3 days NC (after successful 6 weeks and 4 week NC periods), so I am further along in healing than you. It takes time, you can't rush it. I know you want to. One day, probably sooner than you think there will be a watershed moment. For me, it was this past Sunday. Do I miss her like crazy still? Yes. Do I fully accept that it's over forever? Probably not yet. But I am determined that I will not waste any more of my time, emotions, love and energy on someone that has absolutely no concern for me at all, and is only interested in her own selfish desires.
Patrice Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 your own sanity!! https://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/23/how-to-permanently-detach-from-a-narcissist/ 1
PLT Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 your own sanity!! https://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/23/how-to-permanently-detach-from-a-narcissist/ Great read, made complete sense. Thank you for posting. Definately, definately read this hurting. The hardest part for me personally is finally letting go off all hope of change. STOVER!
Author hurting1078 Posted November 21, 2016 Author Posted November 21, 2016 At times the hurt is so present I feel like my chest aches and I can't breathe. How could he forget I exist after only a month of knowing someone else? Why doesn't he even care that I'm ok or not, or even think to see? How do feelings just turn off like that or how do you pretend to care on that level and keep it up for years just to drop it like an afterthought? I feel so worthless, unattractive, like I am nothing compared to what he must see in her.
Nadine123 Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 I feel the same way and what happened to you happened to me. It hurts but it will get better. You should remind yourself that you're better off without them. It's easier said than done but trust me you are. It will get better, I am living proof that it will.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Who does that? A lot of rotten people do apparently. My ex fiance did exactly what you described here. He lied to me right until the bitter end made sure I was there for him and told me lies right to my face about how he couldn't lose me and he loved me more than ever etc. all the while he had met someone else at work and was planning his move. People are rotten. Guys can be such manipulators, they are duplicitous and poker faced so that they can have their cake and eat it too right until the last second. They want to keep options open and have you to fall back on incase their plan doesn't work out. Go strict no contact. Make it a pact that from this day on you will help yourself move on and you will. I am 6 months out and I can say I feel better than I have in a very long time (including our last year together) It will get better and you will see it for what it is but you have to stay focused and you have to be determined to not want that back in your life. You have to love yourself first.
Author hurting1078 Posted November 21, 2016 Author Posted November 21, 2016 Who does that? A lot of rotten people do apparently. My ex fiance did exactly what you described here. He lied to me right until the bitter end made sure I was there for him and told me lies right to my face about how he couldn't lose me and he loved me more than ever etc. all the while he had met someone else at work and was planning his move. People are rotten. Guys can be such manipulators, they are duplicitous and poker faced so that they can have their cake and eat it too right until the last second. They want to keep options open and have you to fall back on incase their plan doesn't work out. Go strict no contact. Make it a pact that from this day on you will help yourself move on and you will. I am 6 months out and I can say I feel better than I have in a very long time (including our last year together) It will get better and you will see it for what it is but you have to stay focused and you have to be determined to not want that back in your life. You have to love yourself first. Thank you so much. It really does help to know people have experienced the same level of heartbreak and deception. I kept no contact for a long while and last week I texted him during a very weak moment. He told me he was glad I had and acted like his happy normal self..and then nothing since. It's like he is oblivious to how this could be hurting me and like he is there and it's me who isn't contacting him. There is no acknowledgement of his change in behavior, interest, availability. It's so mind boggling whatever game he is playing.. as if I will downgrade without a care and still be there waiting for him. As if nothing has changed and it's all in my head. Incredibly psycho.
Nadine123 Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 you need to stop contacting him. The best advice given to me here was that you cant seek comfort from something that hurts you. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 I was just going to say what Nadine said, you cannot get comfort from the person that is perpetrating the pain, that's out of the question. I just read your back story and realized your relationship started off as an affair and all I can say is once a cheater, always a cheater. Sooner or later their true colours come out. Some go as far as marrying and pretending to be faithful and then the truth rears its ugly head. Unfortunately in life, what goes around comes around. Sorry you are in pain but this relationship was doomed from the get-go unfortunately.
mmb4love Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 I'm sorry you feel so sad and confused. The time we have to fully live out our life is short, really. So I'd like to suggest keeping your mind occupied with positive thoughts and feelings. Dwelling on negative things will only fill your life with the same. Ask yourself why you would want to do that? Will that help me? Or will that keep me bound to his strongholds in life? Obviously, we will never know what causes a person to choose to wrong someone else. But we can choose not to be a victim to it. Only you can make that choice. And I hope you do so wisely. Take care.
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