Why remove an FB photo of an ex THREE YEARS after you broke up or had ANY contact?

[ExpatInItaly]

There is a contradiction that I have noticed for a long time now. You describe him in negative terms, but you still give great weight to what he does or how you think he perceives you and the relationship. If I remember correctly, you've said you think you were a good catch for him, and he was lucky to have you. The meaning being that he was lucky to catch you because he clearly isn't on par with you.

 

So my question is: why do you care what he does or thinks?

 

OP, forgive me for speaking about you in third-person for a moment while I speculate on the above:

 

She cares because she doesn't feel good about herself or her position in her life at this time. He was her measuring stick of self-worth, and she attached her sense of identity to him. She interpreted that one photo as a sign that she was good enough, worth something for him to keep it around long after the relationship ended. Now that he's removed her completely, her remaining vestiges of self-worth have collapsed. Her measuring stick is gone, so to speak.

 

Healthy? Not at all. But that's my understanding of what's really going on here. It's not about this ex really. It's about her and how little she values herself. That photo was essentially the very symbol of her self-esteem. If it weren't, she probably wouldn't have even noticed that he had removed it at all. And even if she had, it wouldn't have provoked such a strong emotional response and sent her here. But it meant a heck of a lot to her, even if the man himself wasn't anything to call the press about.

 

OP, I still maintain that this is a blessing in disguise. You needed this to happen to finally let go of the hope you'd attached to him. You've been hanging on for far too long and it's time to find your freedom from this.

[lana-banana]

OP, forgive me for speaking about you in third-person for a moment while I speculate on the above:

 

She cares because she doesn't feel good about herself or her position in her life at this time. He was her measuring stick of self-worth, and she attached her sense of identity to him. She interpreted that one photo as a sign that she was good enough, worth something for him to keep it around long after the relationship ended. Now that he's removed her completely, her remaining vestiges of self-worth have collapsed. Her measuring stick is gone, so to speak.

 

Healthy? Not at all. But that's my understanding of what's really going on here. It's not about this ex really. It's about her and how little she values herself. That photo was essentially the very symbol of her self-esteem. If it weren't, she probably wouldn't have even noticed that he had removed it at all. And even if she had, it wouldn't have provoked such a strong emotional response and sent her here. But it meant a heck of a lot to her, even if the man himself wasn't anything to call the press about.

 

OP, I still maintain that this is a blessing in disguise. You needed this to happen to finally let go of the hope you'd attached to him. You've been hanging on for far too long and it's time to find your freedom from this.

 

I don't entirely agree although I think you have parts of it right. OP clearly holds herself in very high regard. She talks at length about her talent, intellect, ambition, and other extraordinary qualities. (Not that she's unjustified; her skill with writing is beyond dispute.) She has always described this ex as a loser and suggested other exes were losers too, insinuating or outright stating she was way above them.

 

You are right that she uses this ex for validation, but it's different than you describe. Basically, she can't reconcile herself to the fact that he rejected her and doesn't want anything to do with her. She has such high self-regard that she can't fathom how a "loser" like him could have no desire to be part of her life. She has repeatedly refused to accept the possibility that he doesn't care anymore. It hurts her because she interprets his lack of caring as a denial of her self-worth. That is a very dangerous and unhealthy interpretation, just like her belief that he kept the photo up because he still cared in some small way.

 

GC, do you think you could accept the following:

 

- He doesn't care about you any more.

- He has fully moved on.

- His choice to end the relationship and have no contact isn't "wrong" or incorrect, it was just what he chose to do.

- None of that reflects on you in any way.

 

If not, why not? I am gravely worried for what will happen when you see him with someone else. Minimariah warned about this a long time ago and it looks like you have a lot of work to do before you will be adequately prepared.

[lovely81]

I sort of agree with the make contact and see if he wants to get back together. I think it might "break the spell."

[Blanco]

No, I believe OP when she says she doesn't want to be with this man. I tend to agree with most of what lana says as it relates why, then, OP cannot seem to move forward from all of this.

 

I also think that there's some resentment/bitterness from OP about this man because she views him as having basically robbed her of many of her final child-bearing years. And that resentment only intensifies as more time passes and that window gets even smaller, because now, not only did he sponge up nearly four years of her thirties; his ghost is effectively looming over her late thirties and early forties.

[ElizabethIII]

I confess I havent read the full thread. You are still looking after 3 years?

 

Facebook does that annoying thing of showing you posts from years ago. It could be that facebook showed him the photo as a memory from 3 years ago and he deleted it then. He may not have decided to go in an delete it and may not have known about it until facebook reminded him.

 

What does it matter now?