Why remove an FB photo of an ex THREE YEARS after you broke up or had ANY contact?

November 16, 2016

It's too complicated to go into why I care. My ex from three years ago removed a picture he had posted of me six months before we broke up. He just removed it this afternoon. We've had no contact whatsoever in three whole years. We're not even FB friends anymore (he unfriended me a little over a year ago). I admit that I often looked at his post about me (which I could still see because I was tagged in it, because in it he was very encouraging about an endeavor I'm still pursuing, and it made me feel good then, and it makes me feel good now. Some of my family had also commented on it and that meant a lot to me, too.

I'm surprised at how much it hurts, especially since I've come so far otherwise in my healing. Why remove a lone photo of an ex from THREE years ago? I have FB friends who have albums upon albums of photos with an ex-gf or ex-bf, even a couple who are married to other people now. It's obvious that those albums being from nearly a decade ago that they're just momentos, not them carrying a torch for the ex.

Please don't say, "The reason doesn't matter." Because obviously, to me, it does. I am curious, and baffled, that he'd wait until NOW to delete the last photo he has of me on FB. It made him look good, because he was so complimentary of me and because I was doing something prestigious, so why not leave it? Even a potential new gf would see that it was from over three years ago and we haven't had any contact in all this time. And on that note, I know he's not dating anyone yet, because as irony would have it, he just joined a dating website I was just considering joining and was browsing (I'm not going to join it now).

Any thoughts? I can't lie: it hurts.

November 16, 2016

Why are you looking at his profile?

November 16, 2016

He moved on. Sometimes, we hold on to pictures to reminisce memories. Don't compare his coping up to other people. Some people can keep mementos like that, some just want a fresh start. Maybe this is his way of forgetting the past and starting a clean slate.

I did it before. When I am finally resolved in forgetting my unrequited love before, I just erased everything about him and joined a dating site.

It's like an "Eat, Pray, Love" moment. I am finally moving on, ready to forget about the past, and give myself a chance at life.

------------

And the question of the poster above is legit: Why are you still looking at his page? Why are you still hurt? 3 years is a long time for you to "still be hurt" if you, yourself, has already moved on. I bet my whole salary for a year that he already finally moved on, and there's 0% chance he'll be back at you. Deleting your photo is his last act of finally able to let you go.

Cheers.

November 16, 2016

As I stated, I don't have to look at his profile to see this post, because I'm tagged in it. It shows up on my own profile under "Photos of You."

When we broke up, he had three photos on his FB with me in them. He's a pretty sparse FB poster. One of them was of the two of us, and he deleted that within the first several months. The next one was just of me and him commenting on how beautiful I was, and he deleted that a year and a half later. He unfriended me finally a year ago, and now, after all this time, he deletes this last photo and post and I want to know, why now? If he has so truly moved on, then why does it even MATTER now? It just seems really weird.

Anyway, why would I care? Because I freaking care. So damned what. Don't judge my journey unless you know it as well as I do. I don't judge yours. I asked a question and I'd very much appreciate people's thoughts, without commentary on how I'm doing. Great--thanks, I'm doing great. Sometimes sh*t lingers and that's just life. When you experience real stuff you understand that.

November 16, 2016

Still seems odd you'd notice. I don't have many pics of me on fb but even I would have to do some cyber digging to get back to pics of me that are several years old.

At any rate, I agree that this was probably just your ex's way of completing his cleanse of that relationship and period of his life.

November 16, 2016

No one is judging you negatively here. Please read our posts again. Being defensive won't bring you anything either, we're just trying to help you understand why you are feeling these emotions:

Facts:

1.) You "freaking care"

Okay, good to know that at least that's established. Now, the question you should be asking yourself is why? Why do you still care after 3 years? It's not the question of why he deleted the photo after 3 years, what matters is why it bothers you after 3 years? But it seems you are not ready to face that question hence the negative reaction as to why we ask that to you.

2.) No Contact

This is just an assumption. If you haven't spoken or interacted for the last 3 years, then 99% chance that he really deleted the photo to finally move on. He might have cleaned his FB page to erase the past and yeah, clean slate.

I don't know what you want to hear other than this, but just in case if you want to know if he still has little bit of feelings in regards to your past relationship, I bet that he still does. Just a bit. But his mind and resolve to forget it is stronger now to than his feelings and for him to help him achieve that, he deleted your photo.

November 16, 2016

Why did he do it? My guess is that he was cleaning through his old FB photos (yes, some of us do it from time to time) and decided that he had no emotional attachment to this photo and it could go.

I doubt there was any deep meaning to the deletion.

November 16, 2016

Why did he do it? My guess is that he was cleaning through his old FB photos (yes, some of us do it from time to time) and decided that he had no emotional attachment to this photo and it could go.

I doubt there was any deep meaning to the deletion.

Or someone else entered his life and forced him to delete it.

November 16, 2016

I understand. But could I ask you something? Without going into detail why did you break up?

And yes it does hurt. Almost like he just erased the last proof of your relationship. And it is a little weird that he waited 3 years to do it-I agree it makes no sense.

Maybe he thought the 2 of you would eventually contact each other and then came to the conclusion that you weren't ever going to talk again so he took it down.

November 16, 2016

And it is a little weird that he waited 3 years to do it-I agree it makes no sense.

My thoughts on this was that he finally went into the indifference zone. I find it's easier to ditch old memories when there's no longer an emotional attachment to it.

November 16, 2016

Did you ever think of contacting him?

November 16, 2016

I understand. But could I ask you something? Without going into detail why did you break up?
And yes it does hurt. Almost like he just erased the last proof of your relationship. And it is a little weird that he waited 3 years to do it-I agree it makes no sense.
Maybe he thought the 2 of you would eventually contact each other and then came to the conclusion that you weren't ever going to talk again so he took it down.

Thank you. Yes, that's it: I feel like he erased everything as it was, just erased it, and I wish I hadn't noticed that the photo was missing but I did, and it's just like the erasure that keeps on going, even three years later. It feels so terribly callous--I mean, if you're just passively indifferent then there'd be no need to erase a photo that probably on his timeline, at this point no one ever even sees anyway. On mine, I'd made his post one of my profile pictures after he tagged me in it, so it was still in my present since I only have about 20 profile photos total, and I was glad to have this as one of them, because I took it as a kind momento of when he supported something I still care deeply about.

We broke up because he loved to get under my skin even when I told him I didn't like it: grabbing my breasts and grabbing at me, peeing on me in the shower and then getting mad at me for getting upset about it, teasing that had this vague hostility in it. At the same time, he could be very considerate. I'd told him it was like dating two versions of the same person--this sweet guy on the one hand, this childish jerk on the other. We all have many sides, and good parts and bad parts, but it's like his were completely un-integrated, like he was two people, each unaware of the other. It was never able to be resolved. He seemed very stuck in his life and basically disappeared on me emotionally even though we were still together. When I pushed him about where he saw our future and what plans he had for himself, us, anything--he shut down and ended it. And for many reasons it just triggered the deepest pain in me, pain that went beyond him and our relationship and all the way back to some pretty severe abandonment I experienced as a child. It was also that I moved here not knowing anyone and became very close with his family that lived and still lives right down the road from me; I truly loved them all and felt they were my family; and then I lost all of them while also struggling in this rural community to make meaningful connections.

I'm still sad because even though I have made some nice connections, the truth is that he and his family are still the people I loved best. I know he was not good for me and so it's not about wanting him back, more feeling sad that it all ever was the way it was in the first place. And because of the time I wasted with him, I'm now 40 and have to face the fact that I may never get to have children of my own. And the holidays are approaching, and because I have a job where I work on T-day and Christmas and I don't have family or close friends here, I haven't celebrated the holidays since 2012 and that makes me sad. And I just feel frustrated with men in general and just want someone to really love me and instead this last one threw me away and never even made any real effort and I feel very discarded in general, and this taking down of the photo just stirs it all up again. Less than if it had been a few years ago, but conversely moreso, because I think it's odd that he'd wait three freaking years to just get on with it and delete something that no one on his FB profile probably even sees, probably not even him. So, why? So weird. And very hurtful. Maybe others would be less hurt by it than I am, but I can only be me, and respond as I would.

Edited November 16, 2016 by GreenCove

November 16, 2016

Did you ever think of contacting him?

All the time. But all the time I've also known that anything other than him contacting me was unworkable. During the relationship, I carried it for the both of us while he claimed he was "lost and confused" and certainly acted like it: no friends or he basically shunned them; living in his parents' backyard for all of his thirties; just basically being aimless. I thought he was depressed and so I propped him up. Turns out he just didn't care, and I wasted my precious time, at a precious time in life.

I thought when we broke up that he was just so distraught with where his life was that he'd surely reach out once he got himself together a little more. That's part of the reason why it took me so long to overcome this breakup, and why it still hurts if I'm honest about it. It's a scar that still is hardening, still completing its transition from wound to scar. I believed with my whole heart that he would contact me, and so to have him cut me out in yet another way, after unfriending me, after three long, dragged out years, just ????? hurts.

I have to take at face value that all gestures, small and large, point to his being determined to cut me out of his life, and even to forget about me. So I doubt contact from me would be welcome. We live down the road from each other, and he has gone out of his way to avoid me in very obvious ways at times. And because I'm more of a "connector" than an "avoider," his behavior has just blown my mind, especially given his whole family loved me so much. His mom still reaches out to me, and I finally had to just let that die, not because I don't adore her, but because it's the only way I can preserve myself.

So, that's the long answer to whether I've considered contacting him. It has to come from him--meanwhile, unlike a couple of years ago, I'm not waiting for it. But it doesn't mean it doesn't baffle me nonetheless.

November 16, 2016

Wow. I'm in the same boat in a way as you are. Mine begged me to move in with her-really small town. The people I was introduced to was by her-I didn't know anyone. Thanksgiving and Christmas I spent with HER family. Then out of the blue she gets feelings for her ex so I move out. At this time we are engaged. She gives me my ring back and I give hers back. I tell her I don't ever want to see or talk to her again.

3 weeks latter I get home and on the porch is an envelope. Inside is my ring and a note from her saying she bought it for me and doesn't want it back!!!Looking at the ring just opened up old wounds for me. It's almost like she has a knack for reopening old wounds on me.

I think yours just did it to do it if that makes sense. If you hadn't talked or contacted one another in years I don't see him doing it on purpose to hurt you.

And I agree-it can still hurt a lot. Because when I left mine I was a little hurt but not too much until I saw that ring which opened up a whole flood of emotions.

November 16, 2016

Wow. I'm in the same boat in a way as you are. Mine begged me to move in with her-really small town. The people I was introduced to was by her-I didn't know anyone. Thanksgiving and Christmas I spent with HER family. Then out of the blue she gets feelings for her ex so I move out. At this time we are engaged. She gives me my ring back and I give hers back. I tell her I don't ever want to see or talk to her again.
3 weeks latter I get home and on the porch is an envelope. Inside is my ring and a note from her saying she bought it for me and doesn't want it back!!!Looking at the ring just opened up old wounds for me. It's almost like she has a knack for reopening old wounds on me.
I think yours just did it to do it if that makes sense. If you hadn't talked or contacted one another in years I don't see him doing it on purpose to hurt you.
And I agree-it can still hurt a lot. Because when I left mine I was a little hurt but not too much until I saw that ring which opened up a whole flood of emotions.

That sounds awful. It's amazing how symbols like that--wedding rings, gifts, momentos--can trigger so much. One ex of mine dumped everything I'd ever given him into a big garbage bag and handed it to me as his parting gesture. I had to walk clear across Central Park and then to Port Authority lugging all that and I felt so...discarded; I just cried and cried the whole way.

And this--that photo meant a lot to me, or more that he posted it on his FB. "This beautiful and talented woman is returning from one of the most selective _____ our country has to offer!" was the caption he wrote. Lots of people made really nice comments, including some of my own family. It was a keepsake that I treasured, and the fact that he'd not only taken down the other two photos of me he had on FB but also unfriended me and never once contacted me in three whole years made the photo mean even more: it was proof that there was some good in what otherwise was a relationship that left me utterly empty-handed and that led me to a bottom that ultimately has enabled me to surmount to make some real gains in my life. I thought his keeping it there was a sign that he bore me no ill-will, and still cared to some extent. And knowing that meant a lot to me especially now, when I'm feeling severely "under-loved" lately, like I don't really matter to anyone. So for him to just take it down after all this time...to me, it doesn't feel indifferent; if you're indifferent you just wouldn't even bother. It feels like he still carries spite for me, otherwise how could it possibly hurt him at this point to have one lone photo of me up, way down in his timeline where nobody probably has seen it since 2013?

November 16, 2016

And on that note, I know he's not dating anyone yet, because as irony would have it, he just joined a dating website I was just considering joining and was browsing (I'm not going to join it now).

He is obviously thinking of seriously dating again so a photo of his old gf needs to go.

I guess, he did a spring clean of his FB in preparation for a new girl entering his life and perhaps also to give himself a clean slate moving forward.

November 16, 2016

I see your point. You might not be together but you don't want someone to hate you either.Its like he's so bothered by you he doesn't want ANYTHING that could be a reminder of you.

And I know it hurts when someone goes out of their way to avoid you esp when they are most likely in the wrong-but I think that that could also be he feels guilty on how the relationship ended and by seeing you could bring up reminders to HIM of things he has tried to suppress.

I'm done with mine. But when I do see her(we work at the same place) she gets nervous to the point co workers notice. And I know it shouldn't bother me-she was in the wrong-but it does. Makes me feel weird.

Have you yourself tried dating in the three years since your ex?

November 16, 2016

He has probably met another woman, or is hoping to soon. (Hence his activity on a dating website)

When he realized your picture is still on his FB, he removed it. Most women wouldn't enjoy seeing photos of their guy's ex in his profile; he is preparing for a new love in his life. I once realized a photo of my ex and I was on my own profile a couple years after we split up. I deleted it for two reasons: 1) I had met someone else and didn't want him to be reminded my past, and 2) I have no reason to keep a photo of my ex on a public forum. The relationship was over.

Perhaps this will be a blessing in disguise for you. It seems you haven't moved on after 3 years, and pinned a lot of your hopes for the future on him. Knowing that he has reached this point maybe will nudge you in the direction of true detachment. It appears you placed a lot of value on that one post, and held on to it as a sign that maybe he would still return. Now that it's gone, you will hopefully move toward greater acceptance that he isn't returning either.

November 16, 2016

It feels like he still carries spite for me, otherwise how could it possibly hurt him at this point to have one lone photo of me up, way down in his timeline where nobody probably has seen it since 2013?

I think it's odd that he'd wait three freaking years to just get on with it and delete something that no one on his FB profile probably even sees, probably not even him. So, why? So weird.

I, too, am a very infrequent facebook user. After my ex and I broke up I took down the few photos that had been posted and went about my life.

A couple years later I was flipping through pictures, looking at college, travel, whatever and realized "huh, I still have a pic of the ex." Click, delete. There was no malice; I didn't do it to spite him. I doubt he even noticed. It didn't hurt me to see anything because I'm indifferent to him. So, since he doesn't matter there was no need to keep clutter.

he deletes this last photo and post and I want to know, why now? If he has so truly moved on, then why does it even MATTER now? It just seems really weird.

It's not about what matters; it's about what no longer does...

I doubt your ex intended to hurt you. I bet he was just flipping through old pics, if it showed up under photos of you then it was the same for him, and saw something he was ready to delete. There was no master plan to wait this long or prolong your pain.

As for why now? Because now is when he happened to see that picture while he was insomnia cruising FB. I think you're making this out to mean a lot more than it does to him.

As a "connector" do you think you were seeing this photo as a means of maintaining a positive connection to him virtually since he wouldn't have one with you in real life?

November 16, 2016

I see your point. You might not be together but you don't want someone to hate you either.Its like he's so bothered by you he doesn't want ANYTHING that could be a reminder of you.
And I know it hurts when someone goes out of their way to avoid you esp when they are most likely in the wrong-but I think that that could also be he feels guilty on how the relationship ended and by seeing you could bring up reminders to HIM of things he has tried to suppress.
I'm done with mine. But when I do see her(we work at the same place) she gets nervous to the point co workers notice. And I know it shouldn't bother me-she was in the wrong-but it does. Makes me feel weird.
Have you yourself tried dating in the three years since your ex?

Knowing him, that's what I have thought, too. Guilt and shame and a simultaneous staunch denial of such is his M.O. I know he feels guilt and shame at how he behaved during our relationship, but I also know that he has too weak an ego to ever sit with those feelings and own them. And I suppose that answers the question of why, if he feels so in the wrong, he has never made any attempt to say he is sorry.

And I'm not waiting for that, or hoping to be back together with him. This relationship forced me to take a hard look at my own insecurities and why I settle for irritable, emotionally closed-off guys, and I know objectively that he a) is not good for me and b) has a lot of serious issues that his ego and denial will never let him address, and so it's unlikely he has really changed. But knowing that doesn't kill my feelings, and I truly cared deeply for him as well as his whole family. They really felt like family to me, even with the dysfunctional parts (his whole family seeing his problems on the one hand, but habitually enabling him on the other), and I've not met anyone, friend or otherwise, that replaces that in my life.

The thing that lingers for me in healing from this relationship is that the callousness with which he treated the whole thing and ultimately treated me especially given the context of what we shared, really has shaken up my trust. Dating has been hard for me because I feel so doubtful of the extent of anyone's care. Also because while I have been out on dates here and there, absolutely none of them sparked my interest. They were all egotistical boors, to be honest, and I found that out before our first date was even over.

What lingers with this ex is that I have no real family of my own, and I so want one, and he and his family I felt a real bond with that you can't fake or forge, and the having that and then losing it was truly devastating. It doesn't mean I haven't "moved on"--but I don't really believe in that, more that you move forward and eventually, it matters less. But as some of us know, it's not a linear process, and triggers like this one can stir things up again for a while. If anything, the feelings stirred up by his deleting that photo just highlight my overall loneliness right now, which is less about HIM and mostly about me. I know I haven't reached that point where the switch has flipped and I'm indifferent--but I don't think that necessarily TRULY exists, and I'm very skeptical when people claim it is so. I think you can be progressing just fine in your life and not be indifferent to your past and the people in it. I find it amusing, even, that people actually would equate deleting a FB photo to "clearing space in the psyche." If your psyche really a) has any depth to it and b) is mostly "cleared," then you'd be so "indifferent" the presence of a photo wouldn't even be something you'd notice.

November 16, 2016

As a "connector" do you think you were seeing this photo as a means of maintaining a positive connection to him virtually since he wouldn't have one with you in real life?

Yes. It didn't occur to me that he'd do it to "hurt me" or be "calculating"; I seriously doubt he'd think I'd even notice.

November 16, 2016

My guess is that he was cleaning through his old FB photos (yes, some of us do it from time to time) and decided that he had no emotional attachment to this photo and it could go.

Or someone else entered his life and forced him to delete it.

I guess, he did a spring clean of his FB in preparation for a new girl entering his life and perhaps also to give himself a clean slate moving forward.

Yes, agree with these. The most simple explanation is often the truth.

I very much doubt he did it deliberately to get a reaction out of you or to somehow manipulate your feelings as part of some Machiavellian plan.

He most likely deleted it because he doesn't want his new girl to see a pic of you two hanging out together.

November 16, 2016

I very much doubt he did it deliberately to get a reaction out of you or to somehow manipulate your feelings as part of some Machiavellian plan.

He most likely deleted it because he doesn't want his new girl to see a pic of you two hanging out together.

Where did I ever say that; where could anyone even interpret one thing I've said as suggesting I think this was some "Machiavellian plan" on his part?

It wasn't of us hanging out together. I said that in my original post. It was a photo of just me that frankly, if some new gf had a problem with after all this time, then that's just pathetic. If he's really moved on so much, then nothing about me could pose a threat to a new gf.

November 16, 2016

OK. You asked a question and are now simply arguing with anyone who attempts to answer it or offer a reasonable explanation for his actions. Why do YOU think he removed it?

November 16, 2016

I had two initial thoughts:

1. He has a new GF or is looking for one (hence the profile on the dating website).

2. He doesn't use FB that much and forgot the picture was there. He logged onto FB, and he randomly noticed the pic & deleted it.

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Why remove an FB photo of an ex THREE YEARS after you broke up or had ANY contact?

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