I fell off the wagon

[DKT3]

Ok he is blaming me for not being committed these past two years but he hasn't come home early. I don't give a flying f**k anymore what the f**k he thinks! And f**k this!

 

All the rah-rah you go girl stuff is fine a dandy, however when the dust settles you will have to accept your role in the breakdown of your marriage. One can't be committed and have multiple affairs. Not to say he was anymore into then you but you still have to own your ****

[ladydesigner]

All the rah-rah you go girl stuff is fine a dandy, however when the dust settles you will have to accept your role in the breakdown of your marriage. One can't be committed and have multiple affairs. Not to say he was anymore into then you but you still have to own your ****

 

You know what my WH can suck a big d*ck as far as I'm concerned. My M was a complete farce and I have been mentally abused by an NPD for years! Honestly what happiness I got out of this measly A was worth it. Sorry but it was.

[ladydesigner]

and you are surprised by this? you expected him to be happy for you? you made a choice in your best interest. accept it for what it is (your choice in your best interest) and expect some push back.

 

i found this entire thread interesting:

 

glad to see an A is not always wrong, fine, some posters (but rather mildly) took you to task, but otherwise it was near praise. if he came on this site and told 'his version' i seriously doubt there would be many on your side.

 

but more importantly this is evidence A is not the problem it is a symptom of other (larger) issues.

 

i hope you find what you are looking for. it certainly appears your current situation is not it.

 

Yeah I'm out in this case an A was worth it and I would do it again. Sorry to disappoint but it is the truth.

[ladydesigner]

Done with LS peace out. Yes this A was worth it! So is leaving my STBXWH!

[ladydesigner]

Your thread has made me cry...the good, soul cleansing, relief sobbing.

 

Right from the start I've seen myself in you & your situation & empathized with you tremendously.

 

Huge hugs for being so very brave. I envy your strength, I truly do. I've read you rise from the depths & would give almost anything to get to where you are now.

 

Congratulations on taking those first steps towards being the woman that you deserve to be. I'm so very jealous & pleased for you. We all deserve some happiness don't we?

 

Thank you ShatteredLady you deserve happiness too!

[ladydesigner]

I'd stop being intimate with him until your divorce is final especially if he has mentioned he has concerns about you still being married. He will respect you more if you do so. Last thing you want is for to have finally met a good man who will treat you right and to loose him because of him seeing you being willing to cheat on your husband. A good honest man won't put up with that and will walk away.

 

I am not continuing anything with the OM and I am leaving my NPD STBXWH. Being intimate with STBXWH sounds about as good as sleeping with my molester!

Edited November 22, 2016 by ladydesigner

[BluesPower]

You know that you have friends here.

 

I for one completely agree with where you are at. You deserve to be happy.

 

Don't let anyone bother you, lots of people don't understand what some others have gone through. I is not their fault, they just don't understand. You have to live some of this to understand it.

 

You just need to stay strong and I really think you will be fine.

[understand50]

ladydesigner,

 

All well and good. I think at this point, trying to decide how your marriage went bad, or if the affair was worth it is a waist of energy. My real concern is that you start and take decisive action to divorce, as this is the path you have chosen.

 

So.......

 

 

Where are you on that? What have you done to move that along? I would much rather hear from you the steps you are taking. It is time to move on. How you got here is unimportant. If after all the dust settles, you would like to start a thread to go over what went wrong, fine, but now action, get your freedom, do not look back. You are not a bad person for being in this situation, you can become better by leaving and starting the rest of your life.

 

I wish you luck.....

[ladydesigner]

ladydesigner,

 

All well and good. I think at this point, trying to decide how your marriage went bad, or if the affair was worth it is a waist of energy. My real concern is that you start and take decisive action to divorce, as this is the path you have chosen.

 

So.......

 

 

Where are you on that? What have you done to move that along? I would much rather hear from you the steps you are taking. It is time to move on. How you got here is unimportant. If after all the dust settles, you would like to start a thread to go over what went wrong, fine, but now action, get your freedom, do not look back. You are not a bad person for being in this situation, you can become better by leaving and starting the rest of your life.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

I am currently away for the week with my kids as living under the same roof is proving to be intolerable. We are currently in-house separated and sleeping in separate rooms. My plan is to meet with a lawyer in the coming week and split our finances. I may have to move to an apartment.

 

Stbwh is trying to pull every trick in the book to keep me in this M even as far as blaming me and my friends for the M ending. I am currently communicating by text only as speaking to him always leads to an argument. I may eventually have to get a restraining order if he doesn't stop harassing me.

[ShatteredLady]

Why would you have to leave Lady D? Do you want your house? Could you afford it?

 

Most who are knocking you here aren't aware of the years of emotional torture your soon to be ex complete tosser has put you through. He has repeatedly proven that you can't believe a single word that spews from his vile gob. Stay strong!!

[DKT3]

Why would you have to leave Lady D? Do you want your house? Could you afford it?

 

Most who are knocking you here aren't aware of the years of emotional torture your soon to be ex complete tosser has put you through. He has repeatedly proven that you can't believe a single word that spews from his vile gob. Stay strong!!

 

I absolutely think she is doing the right thing, I've told her I don't understand how she has gone this long.

 

But looking deeper and towards the future it's very important that she stops pointing fingers unless she is standing in front of a mirror. Bad marriage or not her coping mechanism is jacked, her multiple affairs did nothing towards making the marriage work, yet time and time again she want to put all the $h*t stew in her husband's bowl.

 

If she doesn't stop and take stock of her role this will surely follow her into any and every relationship to follow, after the honeymoon stage will will be in the same relationship with a different man, maybe not to this extent but similar none the less.

[ShatteredLady]

DKT3. You know that we are generally on at least a similar page but....

 

Imagine you discovered that LovingDKT had been continuing her affair ALL this time?!? All of that agony. All of that pain. Reconciliation nightmare, only to learn it's all a big lie to keep you quiet so they could carry on behind your back?

 

I'm traveling home to England next week. I'm living in the ghost of our dream house (most stuff shipped last week) waiting to move in with my parents!! I bought my first home when I was 18. I know what it's like to discover that my entire life is one huge clusterf**k.

 

Sometimes the only lesson to be learnt is....grow some balls & divorce as soon as you realize that you're being cheated & abused. The problem is you can be kicked so low that you think you deserve it all.

 

All I know is both you & LadyD have handled all this way better than me. For better or worse at least both of you have some remaining self esteem & strength.

[DKT3]

DKT3. You know that we are generally on at least a similar page but....

 

Imagine you discovered that LovingDKT had been continuing her affair ALL this time?!? All of that agony. All of that pain. Reconciliation nightmare, only to learn it's all a big lie to keep you quiet so they could carry on behind your back?

 

I'm traveling home to England next week. I'm living in the ghost of our dream house (most stuff shipped last week) waiting to move in with my parents!! I bought my first home when I was 18. I know what it's like to discover that my entire life is one huge clusterf**k.

 

Sometimes the only lesson to be learnt is....grow some balls & divorce as soon as you realize that you're being cheated & abused. The problem is you can be kicked so low that you think you deserve it all.

 

All I know is both you & LadyD have handled all this way better than me. For better or worse at least both of you have some remaining self esteem & strength.

 

Oh, my self-esteem took a major hit but only briefly.

 

The thing that this ordeal has taught me is self reflection. It's always easier to blame others for choices and decisions we make when they go awry.

 

Her husband is who he is, likely who he has always been, it was her decision to stay now it's her decision to leave right one in my opinion. However it's also on her the things she did while claiming herself to be in R.

 

Had I found out lovin was still involved well, it would be painful but it wouldn't excuse whatever poor behavior I displayed afterwards. I would still be responsible for my actions and have to own them. It's the only way to ensure we don't repeat the scenario.

[ladydesigner]

I absolutely think she is doing the right thing, I've told her I don't understand how she has gone this long.

 

But looking deeper and towards the future it's very important that she stops pointing fingers unless she is standing in front of a mirror. Bad marriage or not her coping mechanism is jacked, her multiple affairs did nothing towards making the marriage work, yet time and time again she want to put all the $h*t stew in her husband's bowl.

 

If she doesn't stop and take stock of her role this will surely follow her into any and every relationship to follow, after the honeymoon stage will will be in the same relationship with a different man, maybe not to this extent but similar none the less.

 

I take ownership for my A's. I am so tired of being treated the way my stbxwh treats me of course I put most of the blame on him. I wouldn't be in this position with either A if it weren't for how he has acted all these years. The M not working because of me, that thought doesn't get me anywhere when I am trying to get out!

[eye of the storm]

Ladydesigner. Some marriages are not meant to be. They are unhealthy to the point of toxic or abusive. Sometimes leaving is the only and best choice.

 

But I also agree with DKT3. You need to learn and heal or you will recreate this dynamic in your next relationship.

 

I had to learn how my behavior with my xH created and extended a bad M. If I had stood up and said "these comments are unacceptable" my M would either have improved and not gotten toxic or would have ended before the damage was to bad.

 

I had to learn good solid reasonable boundaries. And how to enforce them with care and affection. Respecting other while respecting myself.

 

I hope you are able to get out soon. I'm pulling for you.

[BluesPower]

I am again going against the grain...

 

I don't think LS's Affairs really had anything to do with her marriage being bad. I know that goes against conventional wisdom. But, in this case they are defiantly a symptom of the marriage issues and not the cause, IMHO.

 

I just think she waited too long to get out, but a lot of us wait too long to make a decision.

[ladydesigner]

Ladydesigner. Some marriages are not meant to be. They are unhealthy to the point of toxic or abusive. Sometimes leaving is the only and best choice.

 

But I also agree with DKT3. You need to learn and heal or you will recreate this dynamic in your next relationship.

 

I had to learn how my behavior with my xH created and extended a bad M. If I had stood up and said "these comments are unacceptable" my M would either have improved and not gotten toxic or would have ended before the damage was to bad.

 

I had to learn good solid reasonable boundaries. And how to enforce them with care and affection. Respecting other while respecting myself.

 

I hope you are able to get out soon. I'm pulling for you.

 

Yes I totally agree I am planning on getting therapy asap to work on myself. I stayed too long as someone else pointed out that I definitely feel is true. I have worked on my boundaries before, but not well enough apparently. My coping skills will always be a work in progress as I have not yet been able to succeed in that area.

 

I do not wish to enter another relationship at the moment for exactly what you stated DKT3. I have never been in a healthy relationship so I am very scared of my future. I feel it best to stay single for awhile.

[ladydesigner]

Why would you have to leave Lady D? Do you want your house? Could you afford it?

 

Most who are knocking you here aren't aware of the years of emotional torture your soon to be ex complete tosser has put you through. He has repeatedly proven that you can't believe a single word that spews from his vile gob. Stay strong!!

 

The house we are currently in is not mine but we do own another which I plan on moving into as soon as it is available. It is currently being rented.

[BetrayedH]

My $.02...

 

You're doing fine. Focus on the logistics of how to build your second life. There's plenty of time for therapy and learning the lessons from this later. Divorce is a rather traumatic experience. You likely won't have the benefit of a mature perspective on your ordeal for quite some time.

 

Use your head to make decisions. Minimize your emotional reactions. Judge yourself by LS standards some other time. Focus on the path forward and what's best for you and your kids. You won't be able to manage it all. You certainly can't manage your STBX. I suggest you practice the principles of the 180. Detach. Reach for ambivalence where your H is concerned. He can do as he likes but he isn't doing it with you.

 

Some friends and family will surprise you with their loyalty. Others will disappoint. Things will be difficult. And they will also slowly improve. Keep your wits about you.

[ladydesigner]

My $.02...

 

You're doing fine. Focus on the logistics of how to build your second life. There's plenty of time for therapy and learning the lessons from this later. Divorce is a rather traumatic experience. You likely won't have the benefit of a mature perspective on your ordeal for quite some time.

 

Use your head to make decisions. Minimize your emotional reactions. Judge yourself by LS standards some other time. Focus on the path forward and what's best for you and your kids. You won't be able to manage it all. You certainly can't manage your STBX. I suggest you practice the principles of the 180. Detach. Reach for ambivalence where your H is concerned. He can do as he likes but he isn't doing it with you.

 

Some friends and family will surprise you with their loyalty. Others will disappoint. Things will be difficult. And they will also slowly improve. Keep your wits about you.

 

BetrayedH thank you. Your post is exactly what I needed to read. The decision to leave and since has been very traumatic and I can tell will be for some time. This is not easy at all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ladydesigner...

 

We can live the rest of our lives contemplating the would haves and should haves... but we both know.. we cannot undo the past .. and god knows we both would if we could.

 

Some people view "moving on and moving past or going forward" as rug sweeping. But in my mind... when push comes to shove.. we have to make a conscience decision to learn the lessons from our past and hope for our future.

 

Hindsight is always 20 20.. and it is easy for others to pass judgement on the facts as they have been revealed.

 

Unfortunately as we who are really living out those situations... we don't have the advantage of predicting the future.

 

Have you made mistakes? Have you made bad choices? Do you have regrets?

 

Don't we all?

 

The one thing I have learned in my 61 years is this truth.

 

I will never be able to please everyone... everyone always has an opinion...and the one person I have to live with... is me.

 

At the end of the day... I am the one who has to be at peace with myself.

 

I believe that you gave your relationship with your husband your best shot. I believe that you failed each other. And sometimes.. I believe the damage caused by infidelity is too deep to overcome.

 

No affair is the right answer... none.. regardless of the circumstances surrounding it.

 

Your husband... like me...took from you something he can never give back to you when he had his affair. And like my husband... you made a bad choice in having a revenge affair. Of all people... I truly understand your mindset and I believe I even understand why.

 

And hindsight tells you now .. that you probably should have gone ahead and divorced ... and none of us knows why you hung on... and you may not even know why you hung on... but regardless ... you did... and you have it your best shot.

 

The one thing I know is sometimes we are our own worst enemy... and the damage we do to ourselves emotionally can be staggering.

 

Get yourself into therapy... if for no other reason... but to help you sort out all of the sorrow that you carry... not just from your husbands affair ... but from your own disappointment in yourself.

 

If I could... I would give you the tightest hug and tell you that this too will pass love. It takes time and lots of reflection of who you were... who you are ... and who you want to be.

 

Never give up on yourself.. you have proven that you are a fighter.

[2.50 a gallon]

I don't want to mess with you head, but tread carefully.

 

 

My Story: Was engaged at age 27, broke up by age 29, married another at 35. On our 6 month anniversary I caught her cheating, turned my back and walked away for good.

About 6 months after that began a relationship with a gal who was just starting divorce proceedings. Started to fall for her, and she for me, all my friends said it was too soon, so I backed off, a year later when I saw her again, I realized this is what I wanted. Too late, on her list of those to never see again, I was right below her ex-husband.

It would be another 15 years before I finally found that special one again.

I am now in corner of When loves knocks answer.

[ladydesigner]

Ladydesigner...

 

We can live the rest of our lives contemplating the would haves and should haves... but we both know.. we cannot undo the past .. and god knows we both would if we could.

 

Some people view "moving on and moving past or going forward" as rug sweeping. But in my mind... when push comes to shove.. we have to make a conscience decision to learn the lessons from our past and hope for our future.

 

Hindsight is always 20 20.. and it is easy for others to pass judgement on the facts as they have been revealed.

 

Unfortunately as we who are really living out those situations... we don't have the advantage of predicting the future.

 

Have you made mistakes? Have you made bad choices? Do you have regrets?

 

Don't we all?

 

The one thing I have learned in my 61 years is this truth.

 

I will never be able to please everyone... everyone always has an opinion...and the one person I have to live with... is me.

 

At the end of the day... I am the one who has to be at peace with myself.

 

I believe that you gave your relationship with your husband your best shot. I believe that you failed each other. And sometimes.. I believe the damage caused by infidelity is too deep to overcome.

 

No affair is the right answer... none.. regardless of the circumstances surrounding it.

 

Your husband... like me...took from you something he can never give back to you when he had his affair. And like my husband... you made a bad choice in having a revenge affair. Of all people... I truly understand your mindset and I believe I even understand why.

 

And hindsight tells you now .. that you probably should have gone ahead and divorced ... and none of us knows why you hung on... and you may not even know why you hung on... but regardless ... you did... and you have it your best shot.

 

The one thing I know is sometimes we are our own worst enemy... and the damage we do to ourselves emotionally can be staggering.

 

Get yourself into therapy... if for no other reason... but to help you sort out all of the sorrow that you carry... not just from your husbands affair ... but from your own disappointment in yourself.

 

If I could... I would give you the tightest hug and tell you that this too will pass love. It takes time and lots of reflection of who you were... who you are ... and who you want to be.

 

Never give up on yourself.. you have proven that you are a fighter.

 

Thank you Mrs. Adams for your heartfelt post! It means a lot to me! I can so relate to the bolded. I have been my own worst enemy! It couldn't get any more real than that. It always has been that way because I am used to abuse, but it is time to change that part of myself!

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH thank you. Your post is exactly what I needed to read. The decision to leave and since has been very traumatic and I can tell will be for some time. This is not easy at all.

 

Yes, but you know it's necessary and I suspect you'll end up wishing you did it sooner. So let that give you some confidence in your choice as the drama unfolds.

 

You can't control everything. You can really only control how you respond. So make as many smart, respectful, reasonable, and thoughtful decisions as you can but don't allow this to fill you with self-doubt. And don't let him manipulate your emotional well-being. He can try but he will fail.

 

I have confidence that you've got this. And I know it gets better.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, but you know it's necessary and I suspect you'll end up wishing you did it sooner. So let that give you some confidence in your choice as the drama unfolds.

 

You can't control everything. You can really only control how you respond. So make as many smart, respectful, reasonable, and thoughtful decisions as you can but don't allow this to fill you with self-doubt. And don't let him manipulate your emotional well-being. He can try but he will fail.

 

I have confidence that you've got this. And I know it gets better.

 

Yes have already been feeling this way so many years wasted due to me being emotionally paralyzed.