I fell off the wagon

[BetrayedH]

Ok, Ms Designer, here's the deal. You need to do ONE thing at ONE time. Get your divorce.....first. Don't get in affairs.....second. You say you have been without any lovin for years...right? So a few more months are going to make a difference?

You want to divorce to make a better life for yourself, because you deserve it. So how does this jibe with cheating? This new guy is opium, pure and simple. Yes, he makes you feel good, so does opium. But opium isn't good for you and doesn't make you a better person, does it?

After my affair, I REFUSED to see my AP until she had been on her own enough to know what she wanted and improved her self esteem, so she was able to approach a relationship with her head held high and no baggage.

That is what you should be thinking of, your future as a strong and honest woman. Leave the new guy opium alone, until you are free enough to handle it.

 

I have to say that this post probably resonates the most with my thoughts.

 

You've been on the divorce precipice for a while now and I've been hoping to see you make a move forward on that front. And while this event may have been the eye-opener for you, it really should stop. You may not "care" at the moment but I do think you'll care about it later and I speak from some experience. The affair won't help you heal. It's just going to damage your self-pride, which drives your want for external validation. And this divorced guy is no hero if he's all good with sleeping with another man's wife. My hope is that you can shake your head from these "feelings" and just focus on the task at hand...making the divorce happen and getting your head straight.

 

Please don't take this as a scolding. I'm glad to see you'll move on from your marriage. But I'd be remiss if I didn't also suggest that continuing the affair is a bad idea all around.

 

Good luck, LD.

[wmacbride]

I won't say I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, because I;m not. You've been treated like crap for a long time, and you deserve better.

 

You have been emotionally abused for such a long time, but it sounds like you are getting to a position where that will soon be over.

 

Is there any sort of support group where you live so that you can talk, in person, with other people who are going through a similar situation?

 

I do hope that you can take the time to find yourself again. Somewhere, underneath the protective shell you may have put up around yourself after putting up with your abusive spouse for so long, you are still there. the old, pre- wayward husband you from 20 years ago. I hope you can find her again and that your next 20 years are some of the best in your life.

[understand50]

ladydesigner,

 

Sorry for your troubles, good luck in moving forward. With your affair, now is the time to file, and start on the legal path to end your marriage. The only honorable way left, is for you to take the lead and file. Life gives us chooses, and you have taken yours, now take action and move to a better you and life. With all you have been through, you need to see that by only taking this action can you heal and be happy. Forgive yourself, and strive to be better in the future.

 

I wish you luck.....

[ladydesigner]

My plan right now is to not see this OM and to focus on the D and get into therapy! Thank you all I know what I did is absurd, but it gave me a BIG push in my desire to D so I am going forward with that. I let my WH know today I want a separation.

Edited November 16, 2016 by ladydesigner

[dreamingoftigers]

My plan right now is to not see this OM and to focus on the D and get into therapy! Thank you all I know what I did is absurd, but it gave me a BIG push in my desire to D so I am going forward with that. I let my WH know today I want a separation.

 

Honestly, I think you should start with a lawyer before you approach your narcissistic husband.

[ladydesigner]

Honestly, I think you should start with a lawyer before you approach your narcissistic husband.

 

Too late:( he has been harassing me left and right for anything he can and it is making me feel like I am walking on eggshells, actually have been feeling this way for awhile now, that's why I asked for separation I just can't take feeling like this anymore. This is scary he is spiraling. I need to get the eff out now!

[dreamingoftigers]

Too late:( he has been harassing me left and right for anything he can and it is making me feel like I am walking on eggshells, actually have been feeling this way for awhile now, that's why I asked for separation I just can't take feeling like this anymore. This is scary he is spiraling. I need to get the eff out now!

 

Then take the kids and go!

[BluesPower]

Separating may give you the time, clarity and peace that you need to get everything filed.

 

That should be your goal. You need to end this ASAP, for you and the kids.

[BetrayedH]

Honestly, I think you should start with a lawyer before you approach your narcissistic husband.

 

I probably would have agreed with this, too. What's done is done. And I'm sure the decisiveness of that action was something you needed.

 

That said, might be wise to make a note of where the bank accounts were at. Hopefully he doesn't blow your "joint" finances. In my state, the date of filing is a very significant date from a financial standpoint. Any debt he incurs from that point forward would be his own. You might be at risk in the interim.

 

Get thyself to an attorney.

Edited November 16, 2016 by BetrayedH

[Cephalopod]

Just file for D. Separation is useless and will only end up costing you more in filing fees. That is prolonging the inevitable. Just file for D and have your husband served. Get out of there and take your kids with you.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Dear LD!

 

I sincerely wish you all the best!!

 

I read many of your posts, and read your story as well. I know how much pain you've endured. I hope everything turns out the best for you! You deserve it! You struggled for so long... Too long! You've been one of the most supportive, insightful, and emphatetic members here! And, your posts helped many, many people. Myself included. And, you did all that while being in so much pain yourself.

 

Thank you!

 

Be strong! Wish you nothing but happiness! Be strong!

[MJJean]

Just file for D. Separation is useless and will only end up costing you more in filing fees. That is prolonging the inevitable. Just file for D and have your husband served. Get out of there and take your kids with you.

 

She might not be able to. Some states require a period of separation before a divorce can be filed. Others require a period of separation and more if there are kids involved.

 

I was also in a shyte abusive marriage I was not willing to leave for the kids and for financial reasons and because I was scared of the unknown. Multiple affairs on both sides. I was completely numb for the last year.

 

I met my exit AP at the end of the year I spent on auto-pilot in the Pit of Despair. He made me feel again. I'd never felt anything like what I felt with him before and I'd had my share of men.

 

He also wasn't happy that I was married and it was a struggle for him, but the feelings were like nothing he'd ever felt before, so he took a leap of faith. I did, too.

 

A lot of people gave me some form of the same advice you have gotten here. While I agree you should watch for red flags, I also remember "knowing it when I felt it" and "it" turned out to be the real thing as evidenced by the fact that I have been picking up his messes and listening to him softly snore for nearly 17 years and I still think he's amazing.

 

Sometimes, "the one" has really shyte timing and appears before he is supposed to.

[ladydesigner]

I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart! Many of your posts brought tears to my eyes. I have struggled in an emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive M for years and yes I have been in extreme pain. If it weren't for LS I don't know this place has helped me SOOOOO much. I appreciate all the wisdom here and even the harsh responses.

 

My STBXH and I told the kids last night. My daughter was crying and my son seemed a little quiet. STBX is upset and sad, but I can't do the same dance again at the risk of my mental health. I am saving ME now.

 

Thank you again!

[Cephalopod]

LD I hope you can move on to a better life. I also hope that STBXH is triggered by this to take a hard look at his behavior and maybe choose to better himself through therapy or some kind of counseling, so that the two of you can co-parent effectively and with as little animosity as possible.

 

Oh....and don't cheat anymore...okay? You are better than that.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Cephalopod

[CommittedToThis]

I am saving ME now.

 

I'm very happy to hear this, LD, and especially that you ended the A. I was afraid that, as others mentioned, your OM may have been love bombing you, seeing you as a vulnerable target to be exploited.

 

Sound familiar?

 

You definitely know what to look for in an abusive partner -- your STBXH handed you every single lesson you needed to hear in order to become the strong and self-assured woman you need to be to avoid creeps like him.

 

Ironic, isn't it?

 

Consider STBXH and the experience with the horrible M as an AID in your life: an angel in disguise.

 

Because, really, STBXH taught you exactly what you need to do, personally, to avoid finding yourself in these kinds of situations over and over again.

 

As fun as your newfound sexual freedom may be, earth to LD: you need alone time now. First and foremost you need to learn self-love, self-care, and if needed self-parenting or re-parenting.

 

Starting tonight, lock yourself in the bathroom/loo and turn on the lights; look at yourself in the mirror, see yourself the way the rest of the world does. Pretty nice, huh? Smile at your soul, your self, and OUT LOUD say, "Lady Designer (your real first and last name), I love you, woman. I will never, ever let you down. You are wonderful and worthy and have been made to feel otherwise, incorrectly and not your fault or doing. I rock this world and I deserve all the love I can give myself. I love you, Lady Designer."

 

Then hug yourself, stroke your hair, coddle yourself as you would a child.

 

Give yourself the relationship you really need -- with your own self. "Self-partnering" they call it, which makes me laugh but, hey, whatever works, right?

 

Do the "mirror" thing every night for a week, two weeks, and I guarantee you will start to see some tangible results. You might find yourself catching negative self-thoughts as they happen, addressing and discarding them in the moment. You might find yourself sleeping and dreaming better. You might find yourself wanting to get involved with a charity or other non-sexual/dating activity, something done for it's own sake and beauty.

 

You might find yourself liking yourself, and that's when self-respect really kicks in.

 

Once you have that, there's no stopping you. Once all of us have self-respect, no one can f*ck with us. We are, as that stupid meme says, "un-f*ck-with-able."

 

A year from now, maybe you'll want to date again; you'll definitely be horny after a year of learning to love yourself (like the Yellow Pages™, let your fingers do the walking).

 

You can start dating with pure confidence and the ability to trust people, utterly. Because believe me, no one can tell a covert narc or sociopath at first glance. Maybe you (and I) do attract them, we're vulnerable and sensitive souls after all. Targets, if you will.

 

But damn, girl, when you're ready you can date anyone with supreme confidence that you can spot and act on major red flags in an instant.

 

You're 3 weeks into a new romance and the dude tells you some chick at work is hitting on him? You'll see it as a red flag and dump him instantly. A guy tells you he loves you and feels you're soul-mates on the second date? Dump!

 

Hopefully there will be no real red flags (everyone has minor quirks that can be overlooked, right?) and you will know, deep inside, you can continue the relationship with the idea of, maybe, giving your heart to someone again, and forming an unbeatable bond together forever.

 

Just, dude -- don't rush things. Work on that self-love thing first and everything will fall into place naturally.

 

Proud of you for your honesty and strength.

[ladydesigner]

I'm very happy to hear this, LD, and especially that you ended the A. I was afraid that, as others mentioned, your OM may have been love bombing you, seeing you as a vulnerable target to be exploited.

 

Sound familiar?

 

You definitely know what to look for in an abusive partner -- your STBXH handed you every single lesson you needed to hear in order to become the strong and self-assured woman you need to be to avoid creeps like him.

 

Ironic, isn't it?

 

Consider STBXH and the experience with the horrible M as an AID in your life: an angel in disguise.

 

Because, really, STBXH taught you exactly what you need to do, personally, to avoid finding yourself in these kinds of situations over and over again.

 

As fun as your newfound sexual freedom may be, earth to LD: you need alone time now. First and foremost you need to learn self-love, self-care, and if needed self-parenting or re-parenting.

 

Starting tonight, lock yourself in the bathroom/loo and turn on the lights; look at yourself in the mirror, see yourself the way the rest of the world does. Pretty nice, huh? Smile at your soul, your self, and OUT LOUD say, "Lady Designer (your real first and last name), I love you, woman. I will never, ever let you down. You are wonderful and worthy and have been made to feel otherwise, incorrectly and not your fault or doing. I rock this world and I deserve all the love I can give myself. I love you, Lady Designer."

 

Then hug yourself, stroke your hair, coddle yourself as you would a child.

 

Give yourself the relationship you really need -- with your own self. "Self-partnering" they call it, which makes me laugh but, hey, whatever works, right?

 

Do the "mirror" thing every night for a week, two weeks, and I guarantee you will start to see some tangible results. You might find yourself catching negative self-thoughts as they happen, addressing and discarding them in the moment. You might find yourself sleeping and dreaming better. You might find yourself wanting to get involved with a charity or other non-sexual/dating activity, something done for it's own sake and beauty.

 

You might find yourself liking yourself, and that's when self-respect really kicks in.

 

Once you have that, there's no stopping you. Once all of us have self-respect, no one can f*ck with us. We are, as that stupid meme says, "un-f*ck-with-able."

 

A year from now, maybe you'll want to date again; you'll definitely be horny after a year of learning to love yourself (like the Yellow Pages™, let your fingers do the walking).

 

You can start dating with pure confidence and the ability to trust people, utterly. Because believe me, no one can tell a covert narc or sociopath at first glance. Maybe you (and I) do attract them, we're vulnerable and sensitive souls after all. Targets, if you will.

 

But damn, girl, when you're ready you can date anyone with supreme confidence that you can spot and act on major red flags in an instant.

 

You're 3 weeks into a new romance and the dude tells you some chick at work is hitting on him? You'll see it as a red flag and dump him instantly. A guy tells you he loves you and feels you're soul-mates on the second date? Dump!

 

Hopefully there will be no real red flags (everyone has minor quirks that can be overlooked, right?) and you will know, deep inside, you can continue the relationship with the idea of, maybe, giving your heart to someone again, and forming an unbeatable bond together forever.

 

Just, dude -- don't rush things. Work on that self-love thing first and everything will fall into place naturally.

 

Proud of you for your honesty and strength.

 

Oh geez thank you so much. I really like the mirror idea! And yes I have been a target for these types of men my whole life due to my childhood abuse.

 

I am focusing on just me, no outside relationships until I get healthy. Right now it is hard enough pushing back against my STBXH and his 'hoovering' I am just not feeling it anymore and he is dumbfounded by my strength. Not my problem!

[ladydesigner]

Ok he is blaming me for not being committed these past two years but he hasn't come home early. I don't give a flying f**k anymore what the f**k he thinks! And f**k this!

[cocorico]

Ok he is blaming me for not being committed these past two years but he hasn't come home early. I don't give a flying f**k anymore what the f**k he thinks! And f**k this!

 

LD you know the truth. His claims, though outrageous, can't touch that. You tried. He can say what he wants, it changes nothing.

 

If you are worried about what he might tell your kids, sit down with them yourself and let them ask you questions. Don't carry his guilt just because he refuses to pick it up.

[BluesPower]

LD you have just got to put his BS out of your head...

 

Do not engage with him. Just let his ranting roll off your back like a duck.

 

You know that he is full of **** so why would you try to talk to him at all.

 

Just let it go and ignore him, try not to be around him at all if possible.

 

Just move to get the divorce and start a new life. He is upset because he is losing control over you. He does not love you he loves controlling you. He has some real issues that you cannot fix.

 

Just keep moving forward...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Ok he is blaming me for not being committed these past two years but he hasn't come home early. I don't give a flying f**k anymore what the f**k he thinks! And f**k this!

 

Go get'em Tiger! Don't ever take any more $hit from anyone! (((Hugs))) You got this!

[goodyblue]

Ok he is blaming me for not being committed these past two years but he hasn't come home early. I don't give a flying f**k anymore what the f**k he thinks! And f**k this!

 

There is nothing I hate more than blameshifting. My h did some of that in the beginning of our r and I made sure that garbage came to a sh+t rolling halt quick. Once in a while he still tries it and I let him know I don't play that.

 

If you are truly on your way out, just shut him out. You don't need any more blows to your self esteem and he is panicking because you have taken control of your own life. Don't give him one inch of control. Work on an escape plan. I have such high hopes for you!!!

[summerdowling87]

LD

 

The only people you have to worry about is your children and yourself.

 

Get healthy for yourself and for your children. Good luck to you I hope that you finally find peace and safety.

[ShatteredLady]

Your thread has made me cry...the good, soul cleansing, relief sobbing.

 

Right from the start I've seen myself in you & your situation & empathized with you tremendously.

 

Huge hugs for being so very brave. I envy your strength, I truly do. I've read you rise from the depths & would give almost anything to get to where you are now.

 

Congratulations on taking those first steps towards being the woman that you deserve to be. I'm so very jealous & pleased for you. We all deserve some happiness don't we?

[beatcuff]

Ok he is blaming me for not being committed these past two years ...

 

and you are surprised by this? you expected him to be happy for you? you made a choice in your best interest. accept it for what it is (your choice in your best interest) and expect some push back.

 

i found this entire thread interesting:

 

glad to see an A is not always wrong, fine, some posters (but rather mildly) took you to task, but otherwise it was near praise. if he came on this site and told 'his version' i seriously doubt there would be many on your side.

 

but more importantly this is evidence A is not the problem it is a symptom of other (larger) issues.

 

i hope you find what you are looking for. it certainly appears your current situation is not it.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'd stop being intimate with him until your divorce is final especially if he has mentioned he has concerns about you still being married. He will respect you more if you do so. Last thing you want is for to have finally met a good man who will treat you right and to loose him because of him seeing you being willing to cheat on your husband. A good honest man won't put up with that and will walk away.