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I fell off the wagon

ladydesigner

By ladydesigner
in Infidelity

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Furious Established Member

Furious

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yes that is what i will be doing. I don't think this man has any interest in me long-term. All of this is one big red flag i am waving here and now i need to get out and get help. That is my plan. I want to live a peaceful and happy life and i haven't had that for a pretty long time.

 

(((((((ld)))))))

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Do not jump from the frying pan into the fire to quickly.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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Do not jump from the frying pan into the fire to quickly.

 

Totally! Great advice!

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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I know this is not standard advice.

 

I would just enjoy myself while going through the divorce. You may as well have a little comfort.

 

Just don't fall in love with anyone for a long time...

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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I know this is not standard advice.

 

I would just enjoy myself while going through the divorce. You may as well have a little comfort.

 

Just don't fall in love with anyone for a long time...

 

Blues Power that is key for sure! ;)

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Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

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I think my situation has been so dire since False R and I have asked for a Divorce more times than I can count, but I am planning on leaving my M soon (I have to consult an attorney and a few other loose ends first).

 

Anyways I have found myself in another A. This time I feel no guilt, I just want out of my M. I am not looking for another relationship or to get married, but I do want to see other people now. What this new A gave me was something I have not experienced with ANY man I have ever been with. He is sweet, kind and gentle. He snuggles and wants to hold me. I have never had this kind of intimacy with my WH (and that is the truth and I have been on both sides of the fence!) I am tired of being mentally and emotionally abused by my WH. Tired of my WH never coming home, tired of getting no help, just plain tired :(

I have to admit this A has been a godsend compared to everything my WH has put me through. :(

 

Oh sweety.. I am so very sorry to hear this. I know how you have tried to heal your marriage.. and sometimes the damage is just too great to get past.

 

Do what is right for you...

 

You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

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Lillyp32 Established Member

Lillyp32

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I just wanted to send you hugs Lady. Lots and lots of hugs. I can relate to you so much. Leaving an abusive marriage is so hard. Especially after years of abuse. Your entire sense of self is completely diminished and you almost begin to own all of the terrible things that have been said/done to you. I'm happy to hear that you're taking steps to leave that marriage. Your deserve much more than what he has given you. So much more!

 

I do believe that ending your affair as well is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it will be hard after finally feeling that level of intamacy after so long without it. My affair gave me the same and its been so hard to let go of. But you need time alone. Time to find yourself and to love yourself again. Time to heal from the damage your husband has caused you. In the end, it will be the best you can do for yourself and your kids.

 

Sending you LOTS of strength. You got this!

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BTDT2012 Established Member

BTDT2012

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Yes that is what I will be doing. I don't think this man has any interest in me long-term. All of this is one big red flag I am waving here and now I need to get out and get help. That is my plan. I want to live a peaceful and happy life and I haven't had that for a pretty long time.

Do you live in a no fault state? Don't give you husband ammunition to use against you.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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Do you live in a no fault state? Don't give you husband ammunition to use against you.

 

Yes I do I live in California.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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I just want to add that I did not post this to condone my behavior I am really distraught and am desperate to leave my M. I will start taking the steps to do that and will probably start posting in Separation and Divorce next.

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aileD Established Member

aileD

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You're supposed to get out of the marriage before you start another relationship.

 

You say he makes you feel "like no other man ever did"

 

But do you hear yourself? That's what everyone says, otherwise it doesn't justify it to yourself.

 

I know your M is bad. But you're just making things worse.

 

You need to get out and spend some time working on yourself

 

This OM has already proven himself to be someone who doesn't care about commitment.

 

I agree with what someone else said about being drawn to a certain type of man. Do the work on yourself first. You're worth it.

 

Focus on divorcing.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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You're supposed to get out of the marriage before you start another relationship.

 

You say he makes you feel "like no other man ever did"

But do you hear yourself? That's what everyone says, otherwise it doesn't justify it to yourself.

 

I know your M is bad. But you're just making things worse.

 

You need to get out and spend some time working on yourself

 

This OM has already proven himself to be someone who doesn't care about commitment.

 

I agree with what someone else said about being drawn to a certain type of man. Do the work on yourself first. You're worth it.

 

Focus on divorcing.

 

I know I know it sounds as crazy as it does. Honest no one, not one man that I have ever been with has made me feel this way. You know it when you feel it. I hope I can find this with someone else.

 

As far as my M. It's been over and dead for a long time, guess I was too weak to pull the plug or too scared or both, but it needs to be done. I realize I can no longer be monogamous in THIS M.

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goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

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No judgement from me. You have been through so much I find it difficult to believe an a would or could be worse than your marriage. I hope this gives you strength to leave no matter what the a turns into. Much love to you.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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No judgement from me. You have been through so much I find it difficult to believe an a would or could be worse than your marriage. I hope this gives you strength to leave no matter what the a turns into. Much love to you.

 

Thank you goodyblue!

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goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

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I know I know it sounds as crazy as it does. Honest no one, not one man that I have ever been with has made me feel this way. You know it when you feel it. I hope I can find this with someone else.

 

As far as my M. It's been over and dead for a long time, guess I was too weak to pull the plug or too scared or both, but it needs to be done. I realize I can no longer be monogamous in THIS M.

 

This is exactly how my husband felt. When I would try to relay this on LS I was eaten alive. But it does happen. He was so miserable.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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You're supposed to get out of the marriage before you start another relationship.

 

You say he makes you feel "like no other man ever did"

 

But do you hear yourself? That's what everyone says, otherwise it doesn't justify it to yourself.

 

I know your M is bad. But you're just making things worse.

 

You need to get out and spend some time working on yourself

 

This OM has already proven himself to be someone who doesn't care about commitment.

 

I agree with what someone else said about being drawn to a certain type of man. Do the work on yourself first. You're worth it.

 

Focus on divorcing.

 

I agree. You also don't "know" this OM well at all, only in an affair setting and you're basing everything on how he makes YOU feel, the intimacy etc.

 

Glad that you're going to go to therapy, it'll help you get stronger and be in a healthier frame of mind.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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I agree. You also don't "know" this OM well at all, only in an affair setting and you're basing everything on how he makes YOU feel, the intimacy etc.

 

Glad that you're going to go to therapy, it'll help you get stronger and be in a healthier frame of mind.

 

You are absolutely correct I do not know this OM at all but I don't know my WH anymore either. I am basing this on feelings, I haven't had ANY feelings for the last 3 years. I have been numb and continually tortured by my WH (when I say torture I mean he stays out until midnight, does not help with the kids, does not comfort me or hold me. He is all talk always has been and this hasn't changed over our 20 years together).

 

Therapy is a must for me! Thank you WWIU you have helped me here from day 1 and I appreciate you! ;)

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BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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Come on guys...

 

Hopefully she is not falling in love. There are a lot of men that know how to treat a woman, so don't think he is the only one.

 

But with what she has gone through, I say let her enjoy herself. Just keep working on the divorce.

 

And have as much fun as you can until it is final. Then you guys can date for real and you can see if he is the real deal or not.

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Kitta78 New Member

Kitta78

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ladydesigner- this can always be hard, it seems like you've finally found someone that treats you the way you have felt you should have been treated a long time ago in your M but wasn't. It also sounds like you know what you do/don't want in regards to dating and knowing that you don't want to get into another relationship.

Divorces and relationships in between that can be tough, I would just encourage you to be safe, sure of your decisions, and do what is best for you in this sensitive time period.

R

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Midwestmissy Established Member

Midwestmissy

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Feelings aren't facts. Very good advice given to me a long time ago.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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Hi LD,

 

I would honestly be right where you are if it wasn't for this forum and seeing the emotional effects even an Exit A can have on you and your kids.

 

But, jeepers, get out. Get out, even just for one of us!

 

Why do you 'need' man right now? Can't you be on your own and rely on friends and family to keep you busy? Going to yet another MM isn't the answer, now you're involved in helping HIM cheat on his wife, a whole other can of worms that could blow up in your face if you're caught by his wife/BS.

 

Please think about counseling so you can heal and make healthy decisions for yourself. Relying on someone else to create a false sense of happiness and security is going to bite you badly... You didn't learn from the first time around sadly..

 

It's a very hard thing to explain how deep the hole goes in relationships like this, you lose trust in yourself that you'll be strong enough to go. Especially after all of the crap you've taken.

 

I don't like cheating. I really really don't. I also don't think her husband can expect better behaviour from a partner than he is willing to provide, while also completely being an abuser and lacking most empathy.

 

He's not married I am.

 

My M is toxic and I just need out. It has been years since I have had any intimacy or emotional connection.

 

Yes Yes Yes I need therapy like there is no tomorrow!

 

Edited to add: I don't need a man, but this man is making me feel like crying because I have never experienced such intimacy on this level.

 

LD, don't forget that the intensity of this is heightened because of 1. your situation and 2. you have some kind of attraction to narcissistic individuals. You could very well be getting love-bombed left and right only leading to disappointment. Leave your marriage anyways. You know intellectually that you've put up with far too much. Hopefully your feelings come around and align with that stance soon. You can still leave and be perfectly successful if your A falls apart.

 

I know I know it sounds as crazy as it does. Honest no one, not one man that I have ever been with has made me feel this way. You know it when you feel it. I hope I can find this with someone else.

 

As far as my M. It's been over and dead for a long time, guess I was too weak to pull the plug or too scared or both, but it needs to be done. I realize I can no longer be monogamous in THIS M.

 

Well, that makes two of you.

 

Has your husband EVER made a repair gesture?

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What_Did_I_Do Established Member

What_Did_I_Do

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Aw LD...many hugs to you. No judgement. You struggled for so long. I've followed your story and you laid down the trail. You were talking to us in pain and your recent posts were like the final chapters in a book.

 

I agree with DoT but this man's attention may be the boost you need to leave your damaged M.

 

Wishing you strength....

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MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

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I just want to add that I did not post this to condone my behavior I am really distraught and am desperate to leave my M. I will start taking the steps to do that and will probably start posting in Separation and Divorce next.

 

At least he is single. But the danger is that you will get hurt again if he bolts when you file for divorce. No judgement here at all. I just don't want more pain for you.

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Maddieandtae Established Member

Maddieandtae

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Hi Ladydesigner,

 

I was in a similar marriage, it was exhausting the pain and drama that occurred for almost 22 years of our marriage. My ex-husband had a lot of demons and I spent a lot of years afraid of him. I didn't have the courage to leave and this is just my experience but I became a victim and it took me a lot of years to change my behaviour. I still didn't get it right though, a few years after my husbands affair I also had an affair. I was so mad about his affair and I had buried that pain pretty deep. I left my husband three months into my affair and while our marriage needed to end it has taken me ten years to process our marriage, divorce and all that happened between the two of us. Having a third person involved in the process added another layer to an already difficult situation. I can't tell you not to pursue your affair I can only share that sometimes what we thought we needed turns out to be exactly what we don't need. Absolutely no judgement from me, you do what is best for you just be patient and kind to yourself during your divorce:)

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JustJoe Established Member

JustJoe

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Ok, Ms Designer, here's the deal. You need to do ONE thing at ONE time. Get your divorce.....first. Don't get in affairs.....second. You say you have been without any lovin for years...right? So a few more months are going to make a difference?

You want to divorce to make a better life for yourself, because you deserve it. So how does this jibe with cheating? This new guy is opium, pure and simple. Yes, he makes you feel good, so does opium. But opium isn't good for you and doesn't make you a better person, does it?

After my affair, I REFUSED to see my AP until she had been on her own enough to know what she wanted and improved her self esteem, so she was able to approach a relationship with her head held high and no baggage.

That is what you should be thinking of, your future as a strong and honest woman. Leave the new guy opium alone, until you are free enough to handle it.

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