Understanding and anger

[Aina_2016]

Hello,

 

my boyfriend and I have been together for 6,5 years. We are in our late 30s and have been living together half of this time. We live abroad, I moved here for him when he got a job two years ago. We both want to have a family and move to the next level but he has reservations and says he cannot commit before I understand him and see the problem I'm having with him. He also has a very demanding job and has deadlines and the job in general requires about 60-70 hours every week. Life is stressful for him which means running the everyday life such as cooking, cleaning etc is mainly my responsibility. This is fine with me and I'm happy to do this as I have time. However, as long as I do not have his commitment and the family I really want, I cannot feel content. I also have reservations about his behaviour and have been trying to talk how it makes me feel.

 

The issue is this. Our conflict resolution is not working. My boyfriend says the problem is that I don't understand him and cut his sentence when he tries to speak. And he does not feel safe with me because of this. I admit I do this and it is in situations in which he gets angry, twists my words and says things I have never said. Then I interrupt him and say he cannot talk to me this way. I want to be talked respectfully. Usually when I do this he gets really angry, do not listen anything I say to him and then has a temper tantrum or rage during which he says very hurtful things about my character. I have two options, to listen his blaming and twisted words or deal with him getting angry. I do not feel good doing either. When he gets angry, I then need to apologise him and basically walk on the eggshells until he is calm. If I follow him and ask him to calm down, he gets more angry. If I do not do that, he says I never come to him to make peace. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

He usually calms the next day and says he is sorry but he felt I pushed him over the edge and don't take his concerns seriously. When I try to explain this is not the case and I just want respect, he says I'm wrong and I should see my stake in this. He then asks me to say how I'm the problem and contributing on this. I have a hard time doing so because I feel so small and hurt by his anger, swearing and demeaning words. He also throws small objects and punches tables which makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked him to talk to me about his concerns in a friendly manner but he seems unable to do so and I cannot talk to him when I hear his anger, it makes me so uncomfortable, scared and my mind is not clear.

 

What could I do to connect with him and show I'm taking his concerns seriously? I do not want to give impression I'm not taking him seriously, I don't seem to get through to him.

 

Also after these intense fights and him getting angry, if I show any anger, annoyance how it has made me feel he gets upset and says he cannot be with me any longer if he is not understood. Which makes me feel the responsibility is all mine. His responsibility seems to be just to apologise but it means nothing this way to me. Basically I should understand him lashing out on me and how I have triggered it. He says if I just would change this and take the concerns seriously everything would be good. He is convinced it has come this way because over the years I have not been there for him to understand. And I'm convinced, this anger problem is something deeper.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Aina_2016

[Gaeta]

And I am convinced the both of you need to head to some therapy asap.

 

Why would you want to bring a child into this dysfunctional relationship? A relationship filled with disrespect and manipulation?

 

He feels you take him over the edge, wait till you have a baby with colic or teething and both have not slept in days.

 

At this moment none of you, him or you, are equipped to become a parent.

 

Take the phone now and find yourself a relationship therapist.

[olivetree]

I get that you are 38 and so the window for having children is closing.

 

However, your bf is right.

You should not be moving to the next level until your conflict resolution issues are resolved.

Your relationship is unhealthy and not working, and introducing children into this mix is not fair for them and will only strain the relationship further.

 

How a couple resolves conflict is one of the most important factors in determining if a relationship will last. I would try couples counselling first and if that doesn't work, time to let go. Being verbally abused by your partner is never okay.

[Aina_2016]

I also agree we should not take this to the next level before the issue is solved. Apart from the therapy, is there anything I can do personally to make him feel more understood? I care for him, see his pain and would like to do something.

[Gaeta]

I also agree we should not take this to the next level before the issue is solved. Apart from the therapy, is there anything I can do personally to make him feel more understood? I care for him, see his pain and would like to do something.

 

He told you exactly what he needed from you but you are unwilling to provide it to him. He said he wanted you to listen to him through and not interrupt. You tried, you can't. From there the resentment has built so much that I don't believe you can fix this relationship without the help of professionals. You are both late 30s, no kids yet, you can effort therapy.

 

Communication is not only about talking, it's a lot about listening and understanding the message the other person is trying to send.

[Aina_2016]

He told you exactly what he needed from you but you are unwilling to provide it to him. He said he wanted you to listen to him through and not interrupt. You tried, you can't. From there the resentment has built so much that I don't believe you can fix this relationship without the help of professionals. You are both late 30s, no kids yet, you can effort therapy.

 

Communication is not only about talking, it's a lot about listening and understanding the message the other person is trying to send.

 

You are right and we can afford therapy but it is difficult for my boyfriend to commit to because of his work schedules and travelling. It is also true, I have tried and been unsuccessful. But I'm willing to try still as I do care about his feelings. The problem I have is the way he comes across. Or am I wrong to ask to be treated in a manner we can both talk in a safe environment?

[Gaeta]

You are right and we can afford therapy but it is difficult for my boyfriend to commit to because of his work schedules and travelling. It is also true, I have tried and been unsuccessful. But I'm willing to try still as I do care about his feelings. The problem I have is the way he comes across. Or am I wrong to ask to be treated in a manner we can both talk in a safe environment?

 

You start with one session and therapist will give you basic communication tools you can use till your next meeting. If your boyfriend has no time to commit to something that will save your relationship, then he has no time for parenthood either.

 

In life all is about choices. He will have to make the choice to salvage your relationship or the choice to continue working as he does and lose it all.

[Downtown]

When he gets angry, I then need to apologise him and basically walk on the eggshells until he is calm.

Aina, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've lived together for three years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as heavy verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

When he gets angry, I then need to apologize him and basically walk on the eggshells until he is calm.

If you've been living for 3 years with a BPDer (i.e., a person exhibiting strong and persistent BPD traits), "walking on eggshells" is exactly how you should be feeling. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

If your BF is a BPDer, this no-win predicament is to be expected. It arises from the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort him and assure him of your love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

He usually calms the next day and says he is sorry but he felt I pushed him over the edge.

If he is a BPDer, he is so emotionally immature that he never learned how to do self soothing. It therefore will take him a long time to calm down. A BPDer's rage typically lasts 4 or 5 hours but, on some occasions, may last as long as 18 to 36 hours.

 

When I try to explain this is not the case and I just want respect, he says I'm wrong and I should see my stake in this. He then asks me to say how I'm the problem and contributing on this.

If he is a BPDer, his subconscious protects his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all his bad thoughts and hurtful feelings onto you. Because that projection takes place entirely at the subconscious level, he will be convinced -- at the conscious level -- that those feelings and thoughts are originating with YOU, not him. This is one reason that a BPDer is convinced he is "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

What could I do to connect with him and show I'm taking his concerns seriously?

If he exhibits only mild to moderate BPD traits, it would be helpful to learn validation techniques so he knows that you're listening and that you're aware that his hurt feelings are very real. Yet, if he exhibits strong or severe BPD traits, all the validation in the world likely won't make a dent in his dysfunctional behaviors.

 

He says if I just would change this and take the concerns seriously everything would be good.... I'm convinced, this anger problem is something deeper.

Although your BF is blaming his anger issues on you, it sounds like he had them well before he ever met you. And, if your descriptions are accurate, it sounds like his anger issues may go far beyond a lack of basic communication skills. I therefore join Gaeta in recommending that you seek professional help if you are not yet ready to walk away from your BF. Specifically, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Because a strong abandonment fear is a very important warning sign for BPD, I am especially interested in learning whether you've seen evidence of such a strong fear over the past six years. For example, have many of his false claims (i.e., his "blaming and twisted words") consisted of irrational allegations about you behaving inappropriately around other men? I ask because a serious abandonment fear is most commonly exhibited as irrational jealousy. This fear arises in BPDers largely because they have low self esteem and live in fear that, once the partner discovers how empty they are on the inside, she will walk away.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation -- and may help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking professional advice from a psychologist. Take care, Aina.

[Els]

Hello,

 

my boyfriend and I have been together for 6,5 years. We are in our late 30s and have been living together half of this time. We live abroad, I moved here for him when he got a job two years ago. We both want to have a family and move to the next level but he has reservations and says he cannot commit before I understand him and see the problem I'm having with him. He also has a very demanding job and has deadlines and the job in general requires about 60-70 hours every week. Life is stressful for him which means running the everyday life such as cooking, cleaning etc is mainly my responsibility.

 

What does he do for you? If his career is his main focus and you are doing all the housework, he should at the very least pay the majority of the bills, or otherwise pay for stuff that reduces your workload (hiring a cleaner, getting takeaway, etc).

 

Especially given that you mention this at the start of your post, my thoughts are that this is the primary issue in your relationship, with all of the other issues (conflicts, etc) stemming from it. And I don't blame you at all - anyone would get resentful if they moved to be with their partner and were doing all the housework but their partner wasn't doing anything extra to make up for it.

 

Marriage and children is not going to solve the issue, in fact children will make it worse because you will likely be doing all the childcare in addition to everything you are already doing.

 

Also, if he frequently throws objects around when he is angry, I would seriously reconsider the relationship if I were you. That's a sign of poor anger management and it can escalate very quickly into physical violence.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Elswyth

[Sunkissedpatio]

Aina what you described is two people who are stuck in a gridlock and power struggle.

 

The pattern you two have built together is very difficult to break because neither one is listening to the other, you by cutting him off when he is trying to prove a point and he by gaslighting you or twisting your words to prove his point. Therapy can certainly teach you tools to communicate better but breaking the power struggle has to come from both of you.

 

The marriage thing is being used as a pawn to get you to submit to him, ie. give in your power and accept that YOU need to change in order for HIM to marry you. What he is doing is telling you that you are the sole problem and he won't give you what you want unless you change. Rather, you should be having reservations about marrying him as well.

 

Until you feel the same way and refuse to stay with him unless you both do your work to fix your communication style, he will use "marriage" as a pawn to get you to fix yourself because he believes you are the sole problem.

That is not a good place to be.

 

You should get away from the whole marriage discussion and say to him I am willing to do couple's therapy with you and see if we can change our communication style, failing that, we should go our separate ways. That will position you on equal footing.