Live-in BF just broke up, but CRIED and said he LOVES me!

[newheart]

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

 

I really have to say that I do not see any hate or negativity here, it is just that people are giving you advice that you don't want to hear. I am not saying that to be harsh, but sometimes outsiders can see a situation with more clarity and it can be difficult and painful to read. If you have no doubt about his love, I am not sure you would be posting here.

 

Going through a "blip" in a relationship is rough, whether or not it is a breakup or a major change like your living arrangements you described. I know you mentioned being away from home - do you have other friends there you can get support from?

[kendahke]

He also has financial trouble, problems at work and with his ex-wife whom he has two daughters with. She is causing him a lot of problems and is always angry and acting crazy. He is afraid that she wouldn’t allow him to see his daughters and is always taking her insults and refusing to do anything about it. He is also still getting over the fact that he cannot see his children everyday as they are very attached to him.

 

(Sorry, I haven't read where this was addressed yet. If it is, what number post is it?)

 

What is the nature of the demise of their marriage? If you two haven't been together long, then she's most likely apoplectic that he's bringing them around his new girlfriend and depending upon their ages, feels she has to protect them. Can't blame her--she is their mother and has to look out for her children.

 

Because going from living together to living separately is a backwards step in a relationship. When a partner suggests a backwards step, it is a sign that they are emotionally disconnecting from the relationship, and that the relationship is on its last legs.

 

Yep. This has been my personal experience.

 

When a guy wants a future with me, he acts like it. When he doesn't, he acts like it. Never listen to what they say, because they'll say anything to keep the status quo. What is he doing? What is his consistent, go-to behavior when it comes to your relationship?

 

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

 

Because human nature never waivers.

 

We don't have to know him or you to recognize, through our own first hand, personal experience, what the nature of his behavior and motivation is... it isn't hate or negativity to tell you the honest truth of what your situation is as you've laid it out in this series of posts. It's not what you want to hear, but you need to consider it.

 

While it's great that you don't doubt your love, by the same token--DON'T UNDERESTIMATE HIS LOVE FOR GOD. To believe it to be less than what either of you feel for one another is a humongous disservice to your sanity. He is questioning being with you and doing all he's doing with you, outside of what he knows to be righteous behavior. If his love for God was less than his love for you, this whole conversation wouldn't even be taking place. He'd have shrugged that off by now.

 

You were content with life once before when you didn't know him, so yes, you can be content without him in your life again--and probably a whole lot happier not being with someone who is at the mercy of his ex wife. That isn't a clean break--there is a lot of messiness there if neither of them are staying in their own lanes.

 

Don't sell yourself short. Let go of what isn't in alignment to your life and headed in the same direction you're going.

[Poe77]

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

 

 

Why would I waist my time and energy on hating a complete stranger thousands upon thousands of miles away just because hes splitting from a women ive never met IRL? do you realize how silly that sounds? after I post this I will go back to cleaning my home and doing the things that keep my life going you will go back to stewing over this situation you find yourself in I took time out of my life to read whats going on and try to offer you some advice from a clear point of view there is no hate or judgement in it...

 

Not to sure why you keep saying we all hate him we are just not telling you exactly what you want to hear cause we are being honest as we see it some of us myself included are a bit older then you and have seen stuff like this happen before so we have more life experiences with it then you at the moment that said I im sorry if honestly upsets you..

 

EDIT TO ADD....

 

"What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond" <---This is just Naive and if you two hadn't already been living together it might hold some weight BUT you two have already taken that step FORWARD and now hes choosing to slam the brakes on and take a step BACKWARDS... you cant tell me you think that has absolutely 100% nothing to do with your relationship? if you honestly deep down thought that I dont think you would have been saying you were suicidal and being as upset as you were in your 1st post.. its almost like now you feel you have to defend whats left of this relationship so you are in defense mode and are ignoring your gut instincts? in the end its really up to you but at 27 you are still young this man has already lived a decent part of his life so sure hes fine with not moving fast or not moving at all mean time the best years of your life will be spent waiting on a guy that's been there and done that and has the family to prove it already...is this really how you want to end out your 20s? 30s and beyond?

Edited November 2, 2016 by Poe77

[Els]

I don't mean to be negative, OP, but his reasons sound fairly, well, reasonable to me. Especially if he doesn't agree with cohabitation before marriage for personal/religious reasons, I don't think you should expect him to put his beliefs aside for you. He offered you to live with him when you were jobless and unable to stay in the country due to that - I don't think he did it because he wanted to 'live together', he just didn't want you to leave the country. Now that you have a job, he was probably feeling that it was time to each get your own place again.

 

I'm not saying that his beliefs are right or wrong (I personally disagree with them), but they are what they are and when you pick a partner, they come along with him. If you want a man who wants to live with you before marriage, unfortunately this isn't the right man.

 

Out of curiosity, what are the laws in Dubai re: an unmarried couple of opposite sexes living together? Could you get in legal trouble like other Middle Eastern countries, or is it more liberal there?

[SoleMate]

Dubai is under Sharia law and cohabitation is illegal: Living together in Dubai Enforcement is spotty but always possible if there is a complaint.

[broken-hearted89]

So my live-in boyfriend just broke up with me last week, and I miss him terribly and would appreciate any advice on how to get back with him. I am 27 years old, and he is 41 (I know there is an age gap but we get along perfectly and I prefer mature me than men my age). We met eight months ago and I was a total mess back then. We met through Craigslist as I was trying to find a temporary place to stay for a couple of weeks as I was completely broke at the time and just moved to a new country. So my ex responded to my message and offered me his place. We met, and immediately hit it off, however I wind up not staying with him as I felt kind of attracted to him and was afraid of making a mistake.

 

We started being friends and our chemistry was over the roof, but we both knew this was more than friendship. Over the course of our friendship he admitted that he was married and that he had two daughters. He said he was separated from his wife for three months now, and they both live in different cities. He told me all about his failed marriage and what a disaster it was. He explained how crazy she was and how she used to drive him insane all the time, screaming and shouting for no apparent reason, cursing him, always belittling and insulting him because he lives in her house (her job gives her free accommodation), driving their daughter away from him, and ultimately kicking him out of the house. At the beginning, I found all that hard to believe, since I know all divorced or separated couple speak bad of each other, but it all turned out to be true, and worse as I have witnessed myself.

 

One thing lead to another and he confessed that he liked me, we just could not hide it anymore. We dated for a few days, and around that time I had a huge fight with my best friend/room-mate at the time and she kicked me out of her house. I had to leave the country anyways and re-enter to renew my visa and I had just started a new job, but I had no idea where I’d stay when I came back, and that’s when he offered me his place. I travelled and we stayed in touch, and after I came back things really developed and we fell head over heels. We were both going through some really bad stuff at the time, family, financial, debts, work problems, and I believe that’s what made our bond grow even deeper. We were there for each other and fully supported one another. We had so many things in common, loved each other’s company so much that even when we were apart those 9 hours at work, we deeply missed each other. We were basically each other’s best friend, room-mate, and lover all in one. When he told me he loved me that was one of the best moments of my life.

 

On the other hand, nothing is perfect. His previous marriage was poisoning our lives bit by bit. His ex was giving him so much problems that it was affecting him badly, and taking a toll on our relationship. She would still curse at him for no reason, asking him to pick up the girls so he can see them for a few hours (we lived two hours away from her at the time) and stand him up, and finally she filed for divorce, and asked for child support. That was devastating to him, as he was already paying for everything for his daughters, and didn’t wanna be dragged into court, and wanted to settle things peacefully. That day we talked for hours about how miserable he was when he was married and how she still is making him miserable. I listened patiently, and sympathized but that day we had our first fight. He told me that he was pretty overwhelmed at the time, and that he doesn’t wanna waste my time, he said that he doesn’t know when/if he would ever get married again but he loved me too much and didn’t want me to leave him. I told him that it was too early for us to even be speaking about marriage now (that was 3 months into our relationship) and that it’s better to just enjoy ourselves at the moment.

 

Days and months went by, and we grew more attached to each other, and she grew more evil and insane. She would go to his place of work when he wasn’t there and speak badly about him to his boss and say that he doesn’t support his children. One day he took his daughters to a hotel nearby and she showed up there unannounced and hit him (yes, hit him!) bearing in mind she didn’t even know about us.

A few days after that incident, while he was dropping his kids at her place, she told him that she still loved him and that she was gonna drop the charges! When he got home and told me that we both laughed and I told him there’s no way you would even consider that. He later went on to shock me and say that he doesn’t know what to do, and that even though he doesn’t love her, and never loved her for that matter (they had an arranged for marriage and knew each other for a month before getting married) but he would do anything for his daughters to see them happy. His daughters are 6 and 8 and don’t even know what a divorce is. He said he would never pick me or anyone else over his daughters, and he would rather be miserable than see them suffer. I was shocked, he went from “I hate her and cannot wait to divorce her” to “I might consider it.” I tried explaining that it was way better for his daughters to have divorced parents than those who hate each other and repeatedly insult each other, but he said that was a decision he needed to make without any influence from my side.

We didn’t talk for two days, and that was hard since we lived together, but later he told me that his ex was travelling and that he was gonna go to their old house to spend the weekend with his daughters (she wasn’t there). I told him not to go and got really upset. Needless to say we got in a big fight and he went anyways. I was devastated and cried continuously while he was gone, I even thought about packing and leaving, but I didn’t. When he came back, he explained to me that since our lease was coming to an end in a week, it’s better if we both lived separately. At the time I had just quit my job, and couldn’t afford a place on my own, but I didn’t even think of that, I felt like he was abandoning me. He said there were many reasons for his decision, first that he was having big financial trouble (that was true) and couldn’t afford to rent a new place so he would just crash with a friend and he said he would help me and pay for a room for me which I refused of course. At that time, I wasn’t paying for rent, but I was paying for many other things, bills, groceries, and I l gave him some money and didn’t ask for it back.

 

Second, he said that he has been feeling guilty because he is a bit religious and it’s against our religion to have pre-marital sex or live together. He said he has been thinking about this since we moved in together but he loved me too much and got attached so he just suppressed it. Third, he said that I was over-whelming him lately always interfering with his relationship with his ex and that he needed to deal with that on his own. Needless to say, I was devastated. I cried for the first time in front of him and just couldn’t hold back. He hugged me and said it was for the best and that didn’t mean the end for our relationship, we would just be living apart but we will see each other all the time.

 

I finally accepted it, but days went by and he came to me and said that one of his friends have agreed to rent him his apartment for a cheap price so we can both move there. So we moved there and split the rent since I just started a new job (that was our third place to live in 8 months). We continued living together like this argument never happened, but I could tell something was missing, he was less attentive, and less romantic and I felt like I needed to make an effort to get his attention. I figured this was normal, our honeymoon period has ended. But it was more than that.

So two weeks ago, his friend called him and told him that we needed to move out in 10 days as he is selling the apartment, so again we needed to move. So we began searching together for a new place to move. Few days later I received my first salary from this new job and as we were sitting together having coffee after work, laughing and just chatting, he again brought up us living separately after our lease ended. He said it was for my own good, because we lived really far from my place of work, and that he didn’t feel like he is taking care of me dragging me around from apartment to another. I told him that didn’t bother me at all but if there were a different reason he needed to tell me. He first said there was no other reason, but when I pushed him to talk he again said all the former reasons, about religion, money, and the fact that he is feeling like he is wasting my time because he is unable to make a deeper commitment to me by promising when we could get married. I again told him that I am not looking to get married at the moment and that I loved him and that was enough. He said that he felt I deserved better and that it was time for me to find someone better without all his baggage. I was deeply hurt by what he said, I cried, and he cried four times that day for the first time in front of me, and he is not the emotional or sensitive type at all. I thought he was breaking up with me but he said he wasn’t. He said he loved me too much, and that he isn’t showing me one quarter of his love because something is holding him back, he said he didn’t even know how much he loved him till this moment. He hugged me tight and we slept after hours of arguing. Next morning he needed to go on a business trip for two days, and we didn’t talk for those two days. When he came back home, I was gone.

 

I packed just a couple of outfits for work and stayed in a hotel for two days and didn’t answer his calls or texts. He came to pick me up the second day from work, but again I ignored him. He sent me a text that day asking me to come home, and that he has packed his things and will stay with a friend, so the house is empty and I can go back. I answered that I didn’t want him to leave, and that I was coming the next day, and that I wanted to talk to him and that I missed him. He didn’t come home that night and said that his daughter was sick and in the hospital and had to go see her, and I have no idea where he spent the night. The next morning he called me and said his car was towed, I immediately sent him some money even though I was mad at him. That evening we saw each other for the first time in a week.

 

I gathered all rationality and tried to be as calm as possible at the beginning. I told him that our love meant so much to me, and that it isn’t tied to us staying together, and if living separately is what it takes, I’ll do it. I told him that there were only two things that mattered. The first if that he loved me, he without hesitation said yes, and the second was if he wanted to continue in this relationship with me. And that’s when he said some of the worst words I had ever heard. He said: I cannot continue in this relationship with you. “I want to” but “I cannot”. He said that he loved me way too much but again listed same reasons “religion, money..” and told me that he feels like this is not fair to his daughters. He said that he is extremely happy with me but has accepted the fact that he will never be happy. He said that he feels sorry for his daughters and it breaks his heart each time he goes to see them. I asked if I was keeping him away from them, he said no, but he is unable to “love them”. I don’t even know what that means. He again said that he is afraid that he might be wasting my time, and that he wouldn’t forgive himself if in a few years, he’s unable to marry me. I didn’t again say I wasn’t thinking about marriage and that we should live in the moment, I was more decisive and told him that if he thinks that we won’t ever get married, then it’s better that we are breaking up.

 

In a moment of anger he said that he didn’t wanna get married again, then He said he doesn’t even know if he would ever get married again, and if he does of course it would be to me. But he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t wanna string me along. I told him I loved him and I would wait for him if he wants me to and if he loved me. But he said he loved me way too much and is doing this for me. I told him that he wasn’t scarifying anything for me because I am the one telling him if we wont get married, then we cant be together, and that he is breaking up with me because he doesn’t wanna get married to me. I broke down, and I started crying, and he cried a river too. I told him that he didn’t love me as much as I love him, he said that I was hurting him by what I was saying, I said that if he really loved me he would wanna be with me no matter what and fight for me, he said it doesn’t always work that way.

For a few moments, he was the one crying and I was trying to calm his down. He kept saying how much he loved me and wanted me in his life, and didn’t wanna lose me. I said we couldn’t be friends and that it would be too hard for me. He said we didn’t have to be friends. I told him if you don’t want a friendship or a relationship, then what do you want? He said I could call it whatever I wanted to call it but that he couldn’t imagine a life without me.

 

That was last Thursday, we slept for a couple of hours that night from exhaustion and the continuous crying. He tried to have sex, but I turned him down. He tried for hours, but I told him it would be too hard for me. We just cuddled and slept. Next morning, we tried to lay off the crying and just enjoy each other’s company that last day. I still couldn’t help it and broke down, that evening he took me out to the movies because he said he wanted me to clear my mind and have some fun. We went out and did have fun, and when we went back home later that night, we just went to sleep for the last time together. He cried and I didn’t. Again he tried to make a move, but I refused, we just made out so passionately and so intimately that although we didn’t have sex it was our best night together. So next morning, we woke up and he had to leave early to go to an important meeting. That was our goodbye, it was BRUTAL, we cried, reminisced, and he begged me not cut contact with him and to even tell me where I was gonna stay but I refused. He kissed me and told me he loved me, but that he would respect my decision if I didn’t wanna speak to him. I asked him not to forget about me, and asked him if he thought it was possible that we could meet some day by chance in a year or two, and get back together. He said of course it was possible. We hugged so tightly and he left.

 

Needless to say I was devastated, but I had to gather all my power because I wanted to pack and leave before he came. I did pack but over-slept because I was exhausted and then he surprisingly came back at mid-night. I had mixed feelings, I was happy to see him but upset because I didn’t wanna go through all that agonizing heart-ache again saying goodbye one more time. He told him me he had a feeling that I wasn’t gone yet and wanted to see me. I tried not to speak to him much that night and I went to sleep on the couch. Next morning we both had to go to work, and I was all packed and was gonna take my luggage and drop it at a hotel and go to work. He had to leave for work before me and I broke down again, he asked me to be strong and that it tears him apart when I cry. He said that he wanted to see me yesterday that’s why he came but he was afraid it would be hard to say goodbye again so he asked me not to cry. Then he cried himself. He told me that yesterday morning when we said goodbye was like, and I quote “someone ripped his chest open, and tear it slowly apart with their hand”. He was late for work, but I kept asking him to stay for a few minutes and ran after him to the elevator, and we said our final goodbye in his car.

After he left, I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him and that if he ever reconsider that I would take him in a heartbeat. I reminded him of all our good times and how perfect we were for each other. I also left him a flash drive with all pictures we had together (bit dramatic I know) Then I left.

 

That was last Sunday. It still hurts so bad, especially today I found one of his t-shirts that I packed by mistake and I smelled it and cried. We haven’t talked since, as I asked him not to contact me in order to get over him. We haven’t blocked each other from anything, but yesterday I found that he deleted my number (since I could not see his profile picture and status on WhatsApp). I know we are meant for each other, we get along so well, we never fight, and we love each other so much. Although sometimes I feel like he didn’t love me, and if he did he wouldn’t leave me.

 

Sometimes I feel that he left me in order to get back with his ex for his daughters. I don’t know what to think, but I feel like he still loves me. I want him back, he is the love of my life. I never felt so much harmony and complete with someone. It’s like we were made for each other. I hope he is missing me now and hasn’t forgotten about me. I want him back and I miss him so much. We both don’t have anyone else here as we are both expats, we were each other’s world. Thing is, and I am not saying my break-up is unique or anything, but we didn’t break-up because we were incompatible, fought, or grew bored of each other, cheated or stopped loving one another. We broke up while we were still in love, and he admitted that he can’t even remember one time where I upset him, hurt him, or where I was anything but the perfect girlfriend. And that he was extremely happy with me.

 

I miss him, and I want him back. I feel like if he saw me moving on like all relationship experts say, he wouldn’t be angry or want me back, I think it would relieve him since he told me that he loved me too much and wanted me to be happy. Do you think I have a chance of getting back with him? And if so, how? I am dying inside!

 

I should mention that I didn’t eat for 4 days after we broke up, I lived on water, coffee and cigarettes. I do smoke heavily unfortunately. Also, I have been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I initially started taking them for health anxiety and he was the one who convinced me to stop taking them. But I have started again since the break-up.

[ExpatInItaly]

Way too much drama. He's gone back to his wife; she and his children are his priority and his actions indicate that.

 

I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10-foot pole.

 

You are better off without him. I know you won't believe it now, but you are far too young to get dragged into this mess. This break-up is a good thing.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say, it looks like you were simply a rebound for him, all along. The chances of him coming back to you are very slim indeed... and even if he does, you will forever be entangled in the drama between him and the ex (they have kids so she will always be in his life). The chances of you having a successful, happy relationship with this guy are zero.

[Noideanow]

I think you should stop smoking and stop antidepressants and begin to live healthy if you dont already, such at sweet but sad story, hope i turns out well, unfortunately i cant give you any advice:(

[broken-hearted89]

Way too much drama. He's gone back to his wife; she and his children are his priority and his actions indicate that.

 

I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10-foot pole.

 

You are better off without him. I know you won't believe it now, but you are far too young to get dragged into this mess. This break-up is a good thing.

 

You are probably right. Sometimes I even think that he may not have loved me at all despite what he said and despite all those tears he has shed when we were breaking up. Sometimes I feel like he was pitying me because I dont have anyone else here and didnt wanna kick me out of his place out of a sense of obligation. When we were breaking up he said that when we first discussed moving out the first time a month before, he changed his mind and wanted us to still live together because he was fearful for my safety as at the time I was still unemployed and couldnt afford a place on my own. I was angry and asked him if he stayed me was me out of pity, he said he only stayed with me out of love. It is killing me to think that he might be back with his ex at the moment living under the same roof even though he swore that was not happening anytime soon. I have not contacted him since our last goodbye, 10 days ago and it has not been so hard honestly cause at the moment Im all drained.

 

The day we last saw each other was definitely agonizing, but for that week I felt almost nothing, all the hurt and pain was almost gone and I felt I was getting over him, I was shocked at myself. But lately I have been missing him greatly, And it is starting to hurt more than the day we broke up. I feel like it is happening backwards with me.

 

I hope he is at least not over me and is still missing me and that I was not just being used. Funny that I actually thought this was real. I had no reason to think otherwise, we had a very deep but at the same time fun relationship, both very supportive and appreciative of each other. But what do you know...

[broken-hearted89]

I think you should stop smoking and stop antidepressants and begin to live healthy if you dont already, such at sweet but sad story, hope i turns out well, unfortunately i cant give you any advice:(

 

Thank you

[Buddhist]

Regardless of what you think is there he....

 

- Doesn't want to marry you

- Doesn't want to live with you

 

He's made that very clear. So the future of any relationship with him will be living separately and dating forever. Is that what you want? Your desperation to get him back is just fear of being alone. Because when all's said and done I think you aren't happy with what he's willing to offer you. That won't change.