Live-in BF just broke up, but CRIED and said he LOVES me!

November 1, 2016

I am going to try and tell my story and I hope I could get all the support and help that I need at the moment from you guys. I tried to write in forums before about other things but I mostly got attacked and negative comments, so please do not do that, as at the moment I am almost suicidal and on the verge of a breakdown.

So here goes, I am 27 years old and have only been in two relationships, my current one and one that has lasted for three years, and ended three years ago. We didn’t live together, but we loved each other and dated for three years, two of which were long-distance, he then cheated on me and it ended.

Eight month ago, I quit my job in my country and moved here in Dubai to start fresh. I started looking for a job but that went on for months. Couple of weeks into moving here, I met my current boyfriend (41 years old). We started off as friends, him trying to be there for me, helping with the job hunt, driving me to interviews, talking to me every night. But we both could tell we were starting to have feelings for each other. We dated for three weeks, then I had to go back to my home country to renew the visa. I told him that I was thinking about not coming back to Dubai because I was totally broke and the job hunt wasn’t going anywhere, he encouraged me to come and look again and offered for me to stay with him.

I travelled and came back, things were great. We fell crazy in love. We have so much in common, have much fun together, understand and fully support each other. We take care of house chores together, and spend most of our time with each other not because we are possessive or anything but because we are not very social people and we enjoy each other’s company very much. We could tell our relationship was something special, even after the honeymoon period has ended, and we started noticing each other’s quirks and negative characteristics, we still never fought, rarely argued but always made up like nothing ever happened. We have full trust in one another and not a shred of doubt about our love.

I have to mention that during those seven months we have been living together, we moved twice as his rent was short-term and now we are living in the third apartment which we have to move out from in 10 days.

We both have stressful lives outside of our relationships, I have big financial problems and debt back home, and I finally just got a new job a month ago, and since then I have started to pay for rent as well. He also has financial trouble, problems at work and with his ex-wife whom he has two daughters with. She is causing him a lot of problems and is always angry and acting crazy. He is afraid that she wouldn’t allow him to see his daughters and is always taking her insults and refusing to do anything about it. He is also still getting over the fact that he cannot see his children everyday as they are very attached to him.

A few months into our relationship we discussed the possibility of us getting married. He opened the subject and I told him it was too early for us to be discussing marriage and that I didn’t wanna get married anytime soon. He said that he is letting me know that he cannot get married anytime soon either as he has just ended his marriage with his ex and he cannot jump into a new marriage right away. He said he loved me so much and definitely wanna marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, but he is not sure when he will be able to take that step. I told him that that was fine by me, and I really meant it.

Anyways, things were going great, until two days ago, he suggested that at the end of our lease (10 days) we both should find different places until we are both more financially stable and are able to rent long-term. (although I am not sure he meant it when he said we would move in again together) I was shocked and very upset, I asked him why and he said it was:

1- Because he wanted me to move closer to my work and live with a room-mate and not spend so much money on our rent (he is very much aware of my debt)

2- Because he might not be able to rent a new place and will probably just crash with a friend. I told him that its better for us financially since we split the cost, he said that he might not even be able to pay rent at all this month and wont let me pay it alone.

3- Because we have been moving a lot and he is saying he feels like he is dragging me with him, and he is not feeling like he is taking good care of me

4- He said because he will be travelling a lot these coming months and might spend a couple of months abroad for work. And that the first thing that came to his mind after knowing that was his daughters and me. And how I would be able to pay the rent on my own.

5- Because in our religion, it’s forbidden to have pre-marital relationships, let alone live together, and we are both kind of religious, he said that he has always felt guilty about us living together (he mentioned it quite a few times, but said he loved me too much and didn’t wanna live away from each other) He said that there is a war in his mind about this.

6- And lastly he said that although he loved me very much, he is feeling guilty about not being able to promise me anything regarding our future together. He said he is not sure if/when we will get married and even though it was fine with me, he still loved me way too much and was being honest way too much to not tell me this. He also said I was young (I am 27 years old) and that he is too scared that in a year or two he will have wasted my time and is not able to marry me. Even though he says he wants.

I was really hurt and started blaming him and I told him that if we move out, that will be the end for us and that he can consider it a break-up. He was shocked and told me why I would say that and that he doesn’t wanna break up, and that whatever happens between us, he doesn’t want us to break up. He said that he loved me too much, but because of his current situation, he is not even able to show me a quarter of the love he has for me. He said that he never knew how much he loved me and how much I meant to him until this very moment. I told him then why does he wanna do this when we both loved each other, he said that it needed to be done, and that he is feeling too much stress and guilt right now. I asked him if moving away from each other would relieve him, he said no, that he too needs me, and this is harder on him than me, but it’s just something that needs to be done at the moment. He said that what would relieve him was for us to talk and see each other everyday and still be together and not break up.

I cried, he cried for the first time infront of me. Actually, he cried four times. First time was when he saw me crying, and couldn’t handle it, he hugged me very tightly and started crying. Second time when I told him that its like I had a feeling yesterday and I took you to the first place we met. And the fourth time was when I kissed him and told him that this was the last time we are ever gonna kiss (yes, I was being a little dramatic, but you should have been there). After he stopped crying he said I was over-reacting and I was acting like one of us was dying, and that we were not even breaking up, we were just gonna stop living together. I again told him that this will mean breaking up to me. We talked for hours, hugged, cried and slept in each other’s arms.

In the morning, he had to go to a business trip for one day and I was supposed to go with him to the airport, but I didn’t. He begged me to come with him but I refused. I told him he might come home the next day and find I was gone. He asked me not to do anything stupid and we said goodbye. I slept for an hour and went to work a complete mess. I cried all day while he is on his business trip. He is home now and got back from his trip yesterday. I have decided that I will take a hotel room next to my work for a couple of days for two reasons. First I am still very upset and angry and Im afraid if I see and talk to him im only gonna make it worse. And second, I want him to miss me and know how it’s like to live away from me. We both don’t have other friends and we live away from our families. I was his entire world and his safe space, and where he usually vents out. That doesn’t mean we don’t give each other space, he often zones out with his phone and I leave him, and I sometimes do the same.

He hasn’t spoken to me all the day and a half he was on his trip. But I think its probably because he knows that if he speaks to me, I will not respond which is true. When we argue, I usually silent treat him. Which happened maybe like three or four times during our 8 months relationship, as I said we rarely argue.

I don’t wanna break up, I love him so much and I cannot imagine not waking up next to him, or having coffee with him in the morning, or not kissing him goodnight every night, and not sit and just talk for hours. But I am afraid that if we move out we will start drifting apart, not to mention it’s a huge step backwards. I am not looking for a step forward at the moment, but I definitely don’t wanna take one backwards. My question is, is it really a step backwards and is our relationship going to fail? Or can we do this and still be together and hopefully move in together again one day? I have researched this a little bit, found lots of failed stories and lots and lots of success stories. But most of the success stories I found were couples who couldn’t stand living together because of their incompatibilities, and that they were driving each other crazy, and found that when they moved away from each other, they started working on that and moved in together again and this actually saved their relationships. For us, we are 100% compatible and never fight about dirty dishes, toilet seats, socks on the floor, or any small or big issues. He doesn’t take me for granted or has ever mistreated me, he is very generous, caring, passionate, supportive, understanding and exactly what I want out of a relationship, so losing him would be devastating to me.

The thing is if he tells me he wants to break up, I will obviously still be devastated but far less if I initiate the break up and he doesn’t want it. Cause then I will always wonder what if. At the same time, I am afraid if we move out, our relationship would go downhill from there. So what should I do? Move out and break up or just cut contact and tell him I need a break. Or move out and still be together? And how can I do that? How can we move from living together to just dating? Or do I wait these ten days until our lease is finished and maybe he can change his mind? And if I move out, should I move out now, or wait for the lease to end in 10 days? I would really love to hear your thoughts on that matter.

I spent last night in a hotel room near my work, and he called me many times and texted me saying he was really worried about me, and that he wants me to answer him and tell him where I was so he could come and get me. I didn’t answer him at all, but im not sure if im doing the right thing. Im gonna go to a hotel room again today, and im thinking of going back home but I dunno what to say to him. If he calls again today, should I answer him? Im totally confused and lost, help!

November 1, 2016

send him a text and tell him that you are alive and well. not where you are.

i think you need a clean break.

i think this has something to do with the reasons he's giving you. money, work, travel, couch surfing.

and my instinct is also telling me that maybe there is somethinng going on with his ex/wife?

you have alot of debt. and it's to your credit that you understand that you need to repay those debts.

it's also better for you to stop spending on a hotel and find a roommate. somewhere near work.

he's given you his reasons for not living with you anymore and in spite of the fact that he still wants you, he doesn't want you in his room.

accept it.

let go. move on.

it's over.

sorry.

i have a brother, i loved him dearly. his favorite song was "when a man loves a women".

..."when a man loves a woman,he'd give up all his comforts, he'd sleep out in the rain.."

November 1, 2016

So ok a few things come to mind here one you are a stranger in a foreign land yes? be careful I know Dubai is kinda modern but they still have some very old mind sets when it comes to women I thought so dont bring any unnecessary drama into your life in that regard.

Second im sorry but im not buying his "reasons" if things were really that great and he was that happy he wouldn't want to split like you say it makes more sense to help each other out thu bad times so ether hes not being fully honest and there is some one else or hes not happy for what ever reason.

And lastly I do think you are taking things a little to far and creating more drama in general then need be! you two are adults act like it stop running off face your problems like an adult. you cant force him to want to live with you or be honest with you about whats really going thu his mind.

All you can do is decide on how you are going to react to it and what direction your going to take if its all to much for you then do as he says and get your own place and tell him you need some time to think and calm down..but dont play these games in telling him you are leaving him when you honestly have no intention it makes you look immature and indecisive..most 44 year old men with their head on half straight will not want to deal with that..

November 1, 2016

I am sorry to say I think this is the end.

There are several factors going on here.

1. Money. Issues with money like the pair of you have cause major problems in relationships. Its one of the most common factors in break ups.

2. Age. He is at a different stage of life to you. In your conversation I can see you both wanting different things right now.

3. Time. He doesn't feel like he will be there for you.

Couple this in with you saying no (not yet sinks in as a no in their brains) to marriage and he is feeling pretty useless right now.

Then start adding in the guilt about marriage and the religious aspects...

Sorry but you two are on a sticky wicket here. You need to let go.

My advice is this. Do as he says and get a flat share or rent a room close to work. Get your finances sorted out and under control. Go and do your own thing and the things that make you happy. Please note here he doesn't make you happy, he is just icing... I am talking about the cake.

Hurts but I am afraid he is right.

November 1, 2016

Why is everyone saying i should break up? He disnt mention breaking up and is just saying he wants us to stop living together for a while. Im the one who told him i wanted to break up and he was shocked and asked me not to do it.

I dont (not) see a future and Im happy with where we are at the moment commitment wise. I dont wanna get married anytime soon and that matches his situation perfectly.

There is nothing going on between him and his ex. Thats a long story I disnt wanna get into. But Ive seen and heard how she acts like and I know how much he despises her. He shares everything with me and show me everything she says to him as he is very honest, all the name calling, insults, and hate they have for one another.

Hope you see this from a different prespective than what a jerk he is.

November 1, 2016

Why is everyone saying i should break up? He disnt mention breaking up and is just saying he wants us to stop living together for a while. Im the one who told him i wanted to break up and he was shocked and asked me not to do it.

I dont (not) see a future and Im happy with where we are at the moment commitment wise. I dont wanna get married anytime soon and that matches his situation perfectly.

There is nothing going on between him and his ex. Thats a long story I disnt wanna get into. But Ive seen and heard how she acts like and I know how much he despises her. He shares everything with me and show me everything she says to him as he is very honest, all the name calling, insults, and hate they have for one another.

Hope you see this from a different prespective than what a jerk he is.

He is telling you he doesn't want to live together at the very least that shows that hes not going to be around when things get bad hes going to high tail it out of there and let you survive on your own do you see that OP? he might not be a jerk but he unsupportive of course he wants to continue the relationship he gets to still have you with zero commitments he can come and go as he likes..

November 1, 2016

Why is everyone saying i should break up? He disnt mention breaking up and is just saying he wants us to stop living together for a while.

Because going from living together to living separately is a backwards step in a relationship. When a partner suggests a backwards step, it is a sign that they are emotionally disconnecting from the relationship, and that the relationship is on its last legs.

His logical, sensible, financial reasons for separating are just that: cold, logical, unemotional. If he were truly in love with you then he would never suggest such a thing. If he were truly in love with you then he would not let money or debt or rental agreements come between you.

I don't think he is a jerk. I just think he doesn't feel as strongly about you, as you do about him. And I think he is trying to distance himself from you and from the relationship, hoping it will fizzle out naturally rather than going through an acrimonious dumping. He is basically trying to fade away slowly from your life.

That is why everyone is saying you should break up. Because that kind of slow painful ending to a relationship is not nice to go through. Better to end it cleanly.

November 1, 2016

When he originally offered to let you stay with him, was he asking you to actually move in with him, or just offering that you could stay with him until you found a job and got your feet on the ground? I'm just asking because things seemed to have moved quite quickly, and I wonder of his original intent considering your religion and that you two have been floating through short term rentals. He may have intended it to be short term, not forever.

I think his reasons for getting your own places sound very reasonable. What is your response to them? Can you afford the rent in your own if he leaves for 2-3 months or can't contribute to the rent? Shouldn't you both focus on clearing your debt?

November 1, 2016

I also think it is all over, bar the shouting.

He has unilaterally decided to effectively end the "serious" and committed" part of your relationship.

I guess your age, his ex wife, his kids, his religion and the fact he wants to go "travelling" abroad for work. has influenced his decision.

Relationships often have a beginning, a middle, and an end, this one despite his protests is ending.

He is the one who has the knife in his hand only he doesn't yet want to just cut that cord. The operative term being YET.

Personally, I would not be surprised if he went back to his wife and kids (plenty of divorced/separated couples who on the surface "hate" each other, end up back together as happy as Larry), or he sees his future with another.

DO NOT accept this "lesser" arrangement, he may just want to be free, yet keep a ready supply of sex and affection (ie you) on tap, for when he feels like it.

November 1, 2016

When he originally offered to let you stay with him, was he asking you to actually move in with him, or just offering that you could stay with him until you found a job and got your feet on the ground? I'm just asking because things seemed to have moved quite quickly, and I wonder of his original intent considering your religion and that you two have been floating through short term rentals. He may have intended it to be short term, not forever.

I think his reasons for getting your own places sound very reasonable. What is your response to them? Can you afford the rent in your own if he leaves for 2-3 months or can't contribute to the rent? Shouldn't you both focus on clearing your debt?

Clia, that's a good point I forgot to mention. When we actually moved in together, we didnt discuss it in the sense that we love each other and we wanna take our relationship a step forward. It was only 1 month into our relationship, and I was in a terrible situation, basically homeless (yes, I know it's not a valid reason to move in together, but being on the streets was far worse for me than moving too fast in a relationship). And he offered for me to stay with him until I get a job and become more stable. But as we continued living together, we actually loved it and fell more in love, and he told me its become harder to stay apart now.

He always used to say how guilty he feels because he is feeling further away from God now, and that he feels like maybe God is punishing him with all his problems because of our situation (having pre-marital sex is totaly against our religion) But that he loved me very much and couldnt stand being away from me. Also he is feeling stressed because he isn't able to promise me when we will get married, as he hasnt been divorced long ago and of course it wouldnt seem right to get married again in a matter of months. Although I told him that I understood this and I am not looking to get married now, and that the idea of getting married and tied down now isnt appealing to me (which is true despite how much I love him, but i am a commitment-phobic myself) he still said that he feels like if things dont work out and we break up in a year or too, he wouldnt be able to forgive himself.

And no, he isnt lying or gaining sympathy, i know for a fact that he is very honest to the extent of hurting me with his honesty sometimes. i know a liar and a manipulator when i see one, and i have been with a fair share myself.

I have already started looking at studios to rent on my own, so Ill be moving out anyways. But Im not sure if breaking up is really the best decision right now. And honestly, if its ever gonna happen, Id rather he initiates it, instead of me always wondering if I made the right decision.

November 1, 2016

You moved in with him after one month? And you moved in as a matter of convenience - for financial reasons.

I too think that the relationship is being redefined. I don't know if you will break up, but I think you have all the major stressors for a relationships - money issues, religious expectations, traveling for work, ex wives, and on and on and on... I think you need to prepare yourself for the idea that this relationship may not go the distance. I'm sorry.

November 1, 2016

Signs the relationship is going downwards : when a person doesn't want to be around you as much. And here, he is moving out completely. What he says, doesn't really matter. He has taken the first step to detach himself emotionally. Rest is history.

November 1, 2016

... he hasnt been divorced long ago and of course it wouldn't seem right to get married again in a matter of months.

The fact he is newly divorced and the haste of you getting together, is indicative of a "rebound" relationship.

He moved far too fast, he substituted you for his wife and slotted you right into her place, now he is stepping back as he has had time to think and realises you are NOT his wife, and the truth is he hardly knows you.

He doesn't however want to be completely alone with no-one, so he needs to keep you hanging around.

Be careful.

November 1, 2016

Why is everyone saying i should break up? He disnt mention breaking up and is just saying he wants us to stop living together for a while. Im the one who told him i wanted to break up and he was shocked and asked me not to do it.

I dont (not) see a future and Im happy with where we are at the moment commitment wise. I dont wanna get married anytime soon and that matches his situation perfectly.

There is nothing going on between him and his ex. Thats a long story I disnt wanna get into. But Ive seen and heard how she acts like and I know how much he despises her. He shares everything with me and show me everything she says to him as he is very honest, all the name calling, insults, and hate they have for one another.

Hope you see this from a different prespective than what a jerk he is.

It's a soft break. He's letting you down in stages. Even if you asked for the break up, another partner can do that if you felt you had no choice or were trying to get a reaction from him or let him know that a serious step like this would inspire you to want to break up. I agree a step backwards is not a good thing. I don't know any relationship that has survived this sort of step.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. If you feel suicidal, that is your/our first concern. Everything else should be on the back burner. Being with or without a guy should not drive you to feeling like this--so if you do, you must take care of yourself first. Good luck

November 1, 2016

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

November 1, 2016

Most importantly, take care of yourself. If you feel suicidal, that is your/our first concern. Everything else should be on the back burner. Being with or without a guy should not drive you to feeling like this--so if you do, you must take care of yourself first. Good luck

Restated for truth. Take care of yourself.

November 1, 2016

First of all, since you said you feel suicidal, you must get help for that. Call a hotline or visit a center. Try "Suicide Help Dubai" at https://twitter.com/suicidedubai?lang=en or The Indian Workers Resources Centre (IWRC) runs one. It was originally set up for Indian expats but anyone can call. The IWRC hotline can be reached at 800 46342.

Suicide help line for Indians receiving more calls | The National

Secondly, to address this comment:

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity?

No one truly knows with certainty what's going on in another's mind. All any of us can do is look at the actions and draw the most likely conclusions. Our minds are mostly clear and objective on the topic of your bf's behavior and we can all see that he is pulling back from this relationship as shown by actions. His words still show attachment, but his actions do not. When words and actions don't align, it's the actions that are most reliable.

Nobody here has expressed any hatred or even negativity for your bf. I don't think he necessarily deserves hatred either. I think the most likely reality is, as nearly everyone has noted, that he wants to pull back from this relationship but without drama and still keep you as an option.

I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me.

Well, we do. If he wanted to live with you he wouldn't be telling you to get your own place.

I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

You've been very dependent on him at a time and place when you had very few other resources. That's not really a bond. I understand you felt very close but that is now ending. We would rather see you break cleanly and build your new healthy life, than stay dangling in distant orbit around him which will prolong the pain. Good luck for your future and please do talk to someone about the way you feel.

November 1, 2016

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

There is no hate here, there is no negativity. Just acceptance. That is just you making assumptions about what we are saying. Most of the posters here have been there, done that and seen this so often its just dull. So while you think its all unique and special and yes I agree it is awful when you are going through it yourself but this happens every day to thousands of people world wide... We are warning you because you have what is commonly known as rise tinted glasses on and you are going to come down with a thump if you don't get yourself ready and prepared for this. Because it is going to happen.

Truth is this relationship is on its way out and he is starting to let you down gently. Probably because he knows you will over react if he does it harshly. He probably does like you and hold you in high regard but that is not enough to hold a relationship together. While he has strong feelings they are not love. Not the sort of love that you get married for and live with someone for the rest of your life kind of love.

Of course you can be content living away from him and after you have split up. It hurts for a bit then gradually you get over it and move on and find someone new. Because that is how life works. How you get there is up to you. If you follow the advice you will get there quicker. If you don't its a long old slow and painful process...

November 1, 2016

Please seek emotional and mental support, first and foremost. If you are feeling suicidal, you need to reach out for help.

I get the impression your boyfriend is letting you down "easily" because he knows you are emotionally very fragile and he doesn't want to upset you too much. Does he know you have felt suicidal? Please, send him a quick message to let him know that you are at least physically okay.

From an outsider's point of view, this relationship moved far too fast and you became far too dependent on him, emotionally-speaking. Having him at the centre of your universe with no other external support or friends isn't healthy for you or anyone else. Before you jump to conclusions, this isn't a personal attack on you. Instead, you can use this knowledge to make some positive changes for yourself. I know you won't feel like it right now (understandably) but you simply must begin to build your life in a more healthy way. I am also an expat living abroad, so I know it can be an isolating experience. That is why fostering friendships and other social outlets is so important when you are in a strange land where you know nobody.

I think - for what it's worth - that your boyfriend does love you but he knows this relationship simply isn't viable right now. It sounds like you both have some big issues to work out, and he needs time on his own to do just that. He has some pretty big problems to sort out in terms of his ex-wife, their shared children and his finances. Now isn't the time for a relationship.

This isn't to say he will never come back. He might, someday. But you really must reflect on positive changes you make for yourself. You deserve it.

November 1, 2016

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

Nothing here has been hateful or negative.

You may not like the advice or opinions that are being shared, but that certainly doesn't make them hateful.

If you're feeling suicidal, please get help.

November 1, 2016

My opinion is that he had no intention of living with you on a permanent basis for various reasons -- the newness of the relationship, religion, his recent divorce, etc. He was merely helping you out and has now realized it has gone on far longer than he is comfortable with, given that he does not intend to marry you anytime soon, so he wants out. Whether you continue to date him in this circumstance is up to you, but I think you are likely wasting your time with him.

November 1, 2016

Clia, that's a good point I forgot to mention. When we actually moved in together, we didnt discuss it in the sense that we love each other and we wanna take our relationship a step forward. It was only 1 month into our relationship, and I was in a terrible situation, basically homeless (yes, I know it's not a valid reason to move in together, but being on the streets was far worse for me than moving too fast in a relationship). And he offered for me to stay with him until I get a job and become more stable. But as we continued living together, we actually loved it and fell more in love, and he told me its become harder to stay apart now.

He always used to say how guilty he feels because he is feeling further away from God now, and that he feels like maybe God is punishing him with all his problems because of our situation (having pre-marital sex is totaly against our religion) But that he loved me very much and couldnt stand being away from me. Also he is feeling stressed because he isn't able to promise me when we will get married, as he hasnt been divorced long ago and of course it wouldnt seem right to get married again in a matter of months. Although I told him that I understood this and I am not looking to get married now, and that the idea of getting married and tied down now isnt appealing to me (which is true despite how much I love him, but i am a commitment-phobic myself) he still said that he feels like if things dont work out and we break up in a year or too, he wouldnt be able to forgive himself.

And no, he isnt lying or gaining sympathy, i know for a fact that he is very honest to the extent of hurting me with his honesty sometimes. i know a liar and a manipulator when i see one, and i have been with a fair share myself.

I have already started looking at studios to rent on my own, so Ill be moving out anyways. But Im not sure if breaking up is really the best decision right now. And honestly, if its ever gonna happen, Id rather he initiates it, instead of me always wondering if I made the right decision.

Take this one step at a time. Find yourself a suitable apartment and get established and focused on your own individuals needs. There is no reason to make a decision about a break up at this moment. Get established and then observe from there regarding what's going to happen with the relationship.

You know you have to move, so work on that first then look at the bigger picture. Deal with the relationship a little later.

November 1, 2016

Your man is trying to get a solid foundation for himself so that he can at some point marry you. He is acting in a practical fashion. He is going through a terrible time with the divorce and nothing is more stressful and most people you date during that time don't last because they won't give the space and feel threatened and everything. And as an aside, you know nothing about the custody issues and are quick to blame the wife, but the truth is the father of her kids is off moving around from place to place AWAY from the kids and is not being a reliable father, and that is what is complicating him seeing the kids. He wants to do what he wants to do and she does not and cannot go along with it because the kids need stability, not to be carted around from one place to another. If he wants to maintain joint custody, he has to live nearby the kids and do half the kid chores, half the kid taxi-ing, and of course either way has to pay child support.

Right now he is spending money on you who are in debt and a place for you two to live when he needs to be taking care of his kids. So he is willing to live on someone's couch to do that, and that is a GOOD thing, because that means he is not a total deadbeat dad unwilling to make any compromises to meet his family's needs.

You need to respect that.

This does not mean you can't have a relationship with him, but you are never going to own him and rid him of his children and those obligations and the need will always be there for him to communicate with his ex-wife, which is emotional.

He cannot and should not be taking you on as a responsibility right now. You need to take care of yourself and stop being childish and melodramatic about breaking up with him just because he can't take care of you right now. He's trying. Realistically, you should take a second job and pay down your debt so that he can marry you without sinking himself financially because of your debt. You need to hold up your end of things financially. He doesn't have money enough to bail you out and pay your way, and he's been doing that for most of this time, it sounds like. So get a second job and get yourself out of debt. Get the cheapest living arrangements you can find with roommates or a tiny apartment, and pay down your debt. Date him when you have time.

Don't punish him because he is mature enough to understand that financially, he cannot go on like this. His first responsibility is to his children and keeping himself afloat, and then once he finds the balance to do that and IF you work extra hard to keep yourself solvent, then maybe you two can marry, and you can both continue working hard to stay afloat -- because marriage doesn't solve any financial shortfalls.

November 1, 2016

The fact he is newly divorced and the haste of you getting together, is indicative of a "rebound" relationship.
He moved far too fast, he substituted you for his wife and slotted you right into her place, now he is stepping back as he has had time to think and realises you are NOT his wife, and the truth is he hardly knows you.
He doesn't however want to be completely alone with no-one, so he needs to keep you hanging around.
Be careful.

This up there ^, I agree 100%

Everyone is making assumptions like they know what is going on in his mind, and they know my relationship better than I do. Why all the hate and negativity? I mentioned I have no doubt about his love or him wanting to be with me. I am only doubting whether I'll be able to be content living away from him. What we share isn't a home, it's a bigger bond.

People are going on what you wrote his actions have been and that he said:

And lastly he said that although he loved me very much, he is feeling guilty about not being able to promise me anything regarding our future together. He said he is not sure if/when we will get married and even though it was fine with me, he still loved me way too much and was being honest way too much to not tell me this. He also said I was young (I am 27 years old) and that he is too scared that in a year or two he will have wasted my time and is not able to marry me. Even though he says he wants.

He asked to live separately and told you point blank he can't make you any promises about the future which means he is having doubts about being with you. You might be able to work through those doubts living apart but quite honestly it seems like he is slowly disengaging from the relationship.

Where was his head when he agreed to live with you, if living together for him is feel so morally wrong?

No man/person is worth taking your life over. I really hope you are taking steps towards fixing your depression or anxiety because life is full of wonderful surprises and you have SO much to live for even if today things are hard. I promise you, life will turn around and when it does you will look back and think "to think I wanted to leave this world...and now look at where I am"

Edited November 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

November 1, 2016

His reasons sound sensible to me, but your silent treatment is what could push him to want to break up with you. Men from certain cultures see that they areresponsible for protecting and looking after their women and he isn't in a position to do that right now. He doesn't sound happy about that.

It's never a good idea to be so so in love with someone like you are .... to the point that you feel suicidal. Human beings can let you down and disappoint you. That's life.

I had a friend actually commit suicide over a man she was so in love with. She did it when he said he didn't love her anymore and they'd never get back together.

Nobody in the universe is worth that. So you seriously need to get a grip of yourself and realise your life and happiness is not dependant on another human being.

His life is complicated. He has an Ex and kids and a lot of debt to be dealing with.

It just seems like your forcing him to live with you or break up. If you force the issue, then be prepared for whatever decision he makes.

Sign In

Live-in BF just broke up, but CRIED and said he LOVES me!

Recommended Posts

broken-hearted89

Miss Clavel

Poe77

Toodaloo

broken-hearted89

Poe77

PegNosePete

clia

elaine567

broken-hearted89

BaileyB

mikeylo

elaine567

Versacehottie

broken-hearted89

BaileyB

SoleMate

Toodaloo

ExpatInItaly

BoxerMomma

clia

Redhead14

preraph

Sunkissedpatio

sandylee1

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...